Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Young Man's Heart ❯ Shed My Skin ( Chapter 12 )

Make It Quick
For the record, life is both terrible and wonderful. Life sucks but watching it fly past and disappear before my very eyes is a pain beyond bearing. My life is flashing by. And I am attempting to grasp what I can of it as it does. I won't promise another chapter within any period of time. But I will promise there will be more chapters.
Let It Burn

 

Crossfade - Dead Skin

So I'm the king
Of all these things
Of this mess I have made
Such a waste
What a shame
My whole life is a fake

Well I'm a bore
And I'm sure
I'm a thorn inside of you
That has torn at you for years

The alcohol
The Demerol
These things never could replace
What a minute with you could do to put a smile on my face

I'm a bore and I'm sure
I'm a thorn inside of you
That has torn at me for years

I can't get out of this dead skin
I can't shed my skin
I'm not sure where to begin
Why can't I begin again
I can't get under my dead skin
I can't shed my skin
Can I sleep till then

Phenobarbital and alcohol
These two surely will do
To knock me out
Keep me down at least a day or two

When I'm awake
I can taste how bitter I've become
And it's more than I can bare some days
I pray someone will blow me away

Make it quick
But let it burn
So I can feel my life fade

Well I'm a waste and I can taste
How bitter I've become
And It's more than I can bare
I can't shed my skin
I can't shed my skin

 

“Leave me alone, Bulma.”

He hung up the phone and picked up his last untried pill bottle. He took eight at once, swallowing them without thought. That was the point after all. To not think anymore.

Rolling onto his back he stared at the ceiling and just concentrated on breathing.

 

 

Characters - Gohan and Lian, very slight Goku, and return of two miner human characters from an earlier chapter, Kris and Tom.

 

Warnings - Drug abuse, depression

 

Shed My Skin

 

 

The bed shook irritatingly and wouldn't stop. He tried to ignore it, tried to stay buried in the foggy gloom of unconsciousness. The dark was so much better…than anything else could be. The dark was so empty and quiet and…desolate. He wanted it to last forever. Please…just let him wrap himself in darkness forever and just…cease. It was so good to…just cease. He moaned, praying that the disturbance would stop and leave him be. Maybe it was an earthquake. Maybe the building would collapse and bury him. Oh, yes, he hoped so… But the shaking continued and no debris came down, so finally he forced his sticky eyelids open. Bright blue stared down at him.

 

“Thank goodness, Angel. Will you wake up for me? I've missed you.”

 

Gohan made a soft, sleepy sound as he gazed blearily up at Lian's curiously hopeful expression. Why was she looking at him like that? His brain couldn't keep the question in focus for long as his thoughts skipped and fluttered in and out of groggy reach. She was always so soft spoken even when she was excitedly droning on a mile a minute. It was a nice thing to wake up to…her calm, considerate voice. It made the prospect of leaving the darkness much more hospitable. He made another soft sound and smiled rather absently, rolling with some difficulty so that he could try to climb into a semblance of a sitting position.
“…mmmmm…sure...”

 

She held up his bottle of pills and examined it even though she had seen it before. She had told him what they were, after all. “How many of these did you take?”

 

His voice was slow and lumbering and he wavered where he sat, eyes half closing again. “Nhhm…how many are missing…?”

 

She took off the lid and peeked into the big bottle. “Oh…I don't know…somewhere between 1 and 35? Don't you remember?”

 

Gohan groaned at her quiet sarcasm, or maybe it was at the uncomfortable numb feeling of floating, or maybe it was because he was so thirsty… “I only had a few…I had…four…no…um…four…plus four…that's… How many is that? I can't think…”

 

“Dang... No wonder it was hard to wake you up. I guess you had trouble falling asleep, huh?”

Lian sounded impressed and…or something else? She was looking at him oddly. He wasn't sure. She sounded…interested? Concerned? He couldn't tell. He really couldn't tell much…except that he…Kami, he was so thirsty. It finally registered that there was something in front of his nose and he focused on it. It was a glass of water. No, it was the most beautiful glass of water he had ever seen and he reached clumsily for it only to find that it was attached to equally pretty fingers which were gloriously helpful in getting the liquid from the glass into his mouth without spilling too much of it down his chest.

 

It was those cold droplets skimming along his skin that caught his attention once the glass was empty and he looked down at himself in dull incomprehension.

“Oh, look…I'm naked…”

That simple statement came without any of the usual embarrassment and insecurity. It was just an utterance of neutral surprise. Lian's giggles made his brow furrow.

“I mean…don't look…uh…”

He reached over and dutifully dragged the sheet over himself without really thinking about it, acting more out of automated programming than embarrassment.

 

“Do you feel okay, Angel? Think you can stand up? Or are you dizzy or anything?”

 

Gohan groaned sluggishly again. He felt…so…just…disconnected. Like…like…being piss drunk, but without the vertigo and splitting headache. It was…kind of good.

“No…I…just… I'm fine. …I just…” He sighed as he remembered and was again bombarded by emotions he'd been trying so hard to hide from. “I couldn't take it. …Came home from work and…I just…wanted to stop for a while…”

 

She gave him that odd look again. “You took them when you got home from work?”

 

Gohan just nodded his response, resting his head in his hands, his eyes stubbornly refusing to stay open. He didn't realize that he had started to fall until after thin arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders and Lian had already pulled him upright again, steadying his heavier figure with some difficulty. He groaned and forced some tension back into his body again so that she wouldn't have to do that. He didn't want her to hurt herself trying to keep him sitting up. She was too little to be stuck with the task of keeping his ass planted on the bed.
“Naw…sorry…I'm awake…I'm up…”

 

“Angel, you slept for three days. It's Monday. I came over to walk you to work.” Came her quiet voice. It took a moment for the words to make it through to him.

 

His brow furrowed again and he tried to focus on her face. “…What…?”

 

She nodded, looking like she was trying not to laugh. “You slept the whole weekend away. I told you these pills were strong.”

 

He groaned and rubbed his face sleepily. “It's Monday? ...the whole weekend?” His confusion was palpable. “The whole weekend…” Then he smiled goofily. “…it was nice too.”

 

Lian did finally laugh. “Come on, you need a shower. Think you can do that without drowning?”

 

Sure, he could do that. He didn't have a tub in his shower, how would he drown? His smile slipped and fell suddenly and he sobered just a little. That thought brought unwanted images filtering through which he'd tried so hard to drown. Why couldn't he drown them? He didn't want to remember them. He didn't want them. There was a new face to haunt him and he couldn't erase it. He couldn't brush it away. It had gotten under his skin where he couldn't reach it…he ached to tear it out…sink his fingers deep down and tear it all out. …the itch was back in his shoulder, that worming itch…he wanted to tear that out too.

 

Lian watched him with a sympathetic gaze and patted his cheek gently. “Come on. It's time to get up.”

 

She pulled him away from the bed, not phased by his unclothed state, steadying him as he stumbled and then leading him into the new day. He was too lost in a haze to try and decline her help and he didn't have energy enough to even be properly shamed for needing it. What else could he do but go? There wasn't anything he could do. Everything he did always went so wrong. Every time he tried…it all went so wrong… He didn't want to try anymore. It had been good in the darkness with no thought and nothing to go wrong. But of course…nothing so good could last. He let her lead him back into it all. As long as he let her lead…then maybe it would be okay…if he just let someone else lead the way…

 

Then, surely it wouldn't be his fault, at least.

 

~

~

 

 

He smiled as he walked Lian to lunch hand in hand.

 

“I'm glad you're feeling better, Angel.” Lian beamed up at him as she bounced along, as infectiously jovial as ever.

 

Once again he was so thankful for her presence. There was just something about her that made the simple, unimportant things they did together so much more enjoyable. It felt odd at the same time too. He wasn't used to this. He'd never felt anything quite like it before. He could only think that this was what it was like for Goten and Trunks or for Videl and Erasa or…or…for anyone except him. He'd never had the chance to have that one friend that everyone else seemed to have. It made him ache to be able to understand this feeling and to finally see that he had been missing it all this time and just never knew.

 

This wasn't anything like it was when he was with Videl. Then again, Videl was the only girl he had ever really interacted with. He had assumed that that was just how it was when you dealt with girls…it certainly explained why most males bitched so much about women. But this felt so different. This…company. This…companionship. Or maybe Lian was just different…or Videl was different… or maybe he was different…or…damn it, he didn't have the slightest idea. All he knew was that Lian had stayed with him since Monday morning and he was so grateful for that. He wasn't sure why she stayed. She never said anything. She was just there. It was nice...comforting. Maybe she thought he had tried to kill himself…like Gary had. He would never do something like that. He knew better, of course. She never said a thing, though. Not about Friday or about the weekend. She was just…company.

 

She never asked him to explain. He loved that about her so much. She never judged or chastised or lectured him. She didn't make him feel like a failure. He didn't have to struggle to meet her expectations. They both did their own things. They just did them in each other's company and it really didn't matter. It never ceased to amaze him that such a thing was possible.

 

He wanted to know why no one had ever told him how nice it was to touch someone. Or be touched? Not sexually. He already knew about that. Videl had graciously taught him that. No, it was just touch. Just for the sake of touch. Touching anyone for any reason. Putting an arm around a shoulder or a waist or just letting a hand rest on warm skin or a thigh or sitting close enough to feel the person beside you without ever thinking anything about it…just doing it, just knowing the other person was there... How could no one have told him it was okay? He felt like he'd missed out on a whole portion of existence. He'd been cheated, never having known that there was more to closeness than fighting or sex or awkward hugs.

 

Even curled up on the floor in front of his tv…he really had to get a couch sometime…she snuggled so comfortably against him and it was nice and that was all. It was so casual, no expectations, no nervousness, no awkwardness…it just was. He loved it.

 

It was Wednesday now and the little blond hadn't left him alone for the last three days. Not for more than a few hours at a time. Despite the hazy, blurred, prescription induced calm that the days floated by in, he knew she was almost always there, her presence was crystal clear. When she wasn't around, his alone time was punctuated by the return of all those low and disturbingly quiet thoughts that were so very uncomfortable. She had this uncanny ability to drag him into focus when he drifted too far away and her presence alone staved off the melancholic depression that continuously tried to swallow him. They had just…hung out. They had just enjoyed each other's company, never doing anything important. Neither of them ever had anywhere to go or anything they had to do.

 

It occurred to him once to ask when her classes were. She had a dorm room, she had to have classes. She only grinned and responded that she was taking all online classes this semester and…well, what else did he think she did when she wasn't answering the phone? This job was doing wonders for her class attendance since she hardly had anything to do, sitting for seven hours at a little desk in front of two phones and a computer. They laughed and he thought to himself about what a great idea that was and wondered why he hadn't thought of that? That was an ingenious idea! And then they continued to just ignore the world and…exist.

 

They talked about nothing and everything or just watched tv or walked, wandering aimlessly, or “buzzed” together as Lian called it. He'd found his new umbrella. He couldn't believe that he'd had it all along and had just been too afraid to find it. His last bottle of pills was exactly what he'd needed. It was wonderful. He could feel the medication as it soaked into his bloodstream. The pills took away the pain in his shoulder and made him ignore the nasty numb crawling feeling beneath his skin. They made everything seem so far away and they lasted for so long, lingering in his system rather than speeding away and leaving him bereft and empty. He was so calm. So much of his torment could have been avoided if he'd only known that the answer was right there, sitting on the counter in his bathroom all along.

 

Family called, he ignored the phone. Videl called, he ignored her too. His father appeared once with a bright smile while he and Lian had been curled on the carpet, staring at the television in the dark of his living room. He couldn't remember everything all that clearly, but he was sure his father had visited for a while, sitting down and watching in curious fascination whatever movie happened to be on. His father didn't normally watch television, but they weren't really watching it either. They talked. Or…rather…Lian talked and his father responded in kind and enthusiasm abounded while Gohan looked on silently and marveled at how well the two of them got along from the first instant they met. It was so rare to see his father so animated with anyone; it was almost like they were two of a kind. Once again, Gohan wondered how it was that he lacked so much of anything in common with his own father. The two of them could never have a conversation like this, just talking about nothing and everything and smiling at one another. There was just…something missing.

 

It was nice to see him even if they didn't say much. Goku was always so optimistic and positive and encouraging…even though Gohan knew that he never lived up to what his father wanted of him. His father was another person that never asked him difficult questions. He was always ready to accept that everything Gohan ever did as worth the effort made…even if he failed miserably. He never outright told Gohan he failed, he just would say that “next time will be better” and moved on. But that didn't change the fact that Gohan knew he was a disappointment. Sometimes he wished his father would just admit it, but the thought scared him at the same time. After a while the visit ended and his father had a hug ready for both himself and Lian and left with a promise to let Chichi know that Gohan was fine, she was worried about him. When he was gone, Lian had said that Goku was a sweetheart and that she could see where Gohan got it.

 

He had merely stared at her in disbelief and then shrugged with a mumbled “…guess so.” How could she say something like that? He certainly couldn't see it. His father was a hero and an amazing man despite his alien heritage which made him ultimately…very strange…but with that strangeness aside, Gohan just couldn't see whatever it was that she saw in the both of them.

 

They went to work, but to be honest, Gohan did hardly any work at all. Even his fellow coworkers noticed his change of mood. Or maybe it was because of the scene he had made on Thursday and then the blackness of the following Friday. They didn't bother him so much anymore. Things were going back to normal, where everyone went about their work without the overwhelming need to ask after his health and whether he was okay. It was about time! It was good to be able to talk and laugh and relax again and not think about all the eyes watching him. He didn't want to care about their eyes anymore and it was refreshing to be non-productive for once. It was about time that he threw off all the nasty things that had plagued him for so long.
It felt really good…to throw it all away.

 

~

~

 

After work, he wandered into Lian's dorm room and thumped down on the bed, bunching up her pillow and curling up on the cozy multi-colored quilt while she rutted around the small room and changed out of her work clothes. Only a week ago, this very scene of a half naked girl would have had him blushing beet red and stuttering and staring at his shoes, but this was Lian. It didn't faze him at all. Anyone who knew Gohan would have been amazed. Gohan was amazed.

 

Was this what it was like? He'd always seen it in other people. Was this what it was like to be free? He felt freed.

 

Lian appeared before him with a bright grin. “You still awake?”

 

“Mmmm…”

 

She ruffled his messy spikes. “Good, let's go, huh?”

 

“Mmmm…go where?” He was so comfortable, he wasn't sure he wanted to move.

 

A pause. “It's Wednesday.”

 

The silence stretched for a long moment.
“…yeah, it is.”
He answered finally, eyes riveted to the blanket under him. He'd managed not to think…for the last three days. He'd staved it off, held it away, kept the monsters locked in the closet. Now he could hear them scratching. It was foolish for a grown man to be terrified of the things scratching at the closet door…wasn't it?

 

“You don't have to go, you know. It's alright. But you can come with me if you want to.”
It was such a simple statement accompanied by her fingers threading through his hair. It was too simple a thing to cause such turmoil to boil beneath his skin.

 

“…naw…I think I'll just go home…” He said quietly.

 

“Alright. I'll walk you home on the way.”

 

There wasn't even a pause. Not that that really surprised him. She'd said it was alright if he didn't want to go and…he didn't want to go…but…he did… He didn't want to be alone. He wanted to go with her, surely it would be okay if he went with her…but…he didn't want to go there… He didn't want to see it again. He was such a weakling, so pathetic, to need…he didn't even know what he needed right now. He was just…he felt like a rabbit. What a stupid thing to feel like.

 

“No. That's okay. I'm just…gonna wander a bit. You go ahead.”
He climbed up from her bed and tried to smile. He didn't need her to walk him home like some little kid, even if he felt like a little kid. He wasn't that pathetic. She was the one person in his life that didn't look at him and see Gohan - The Pathetic Loser. He didn't deserve a bud like Lian if he was that pathetic.

 

Buds. They were buds. That was the term Lian had used. Not friends. Gary had called him a friend. A good friend. Look at what happened to him. He didn't want to be anyone's friend. Lian never said they were friends. Somehow that made things better, more lax.
Buds.
That felt miles better.
It had a whole new meaning to it.
Lian was his bud and she never stuck her nose into uncomfortable places best left in the dark. Buds didn't make you feel guilty just for existing. So it was okay that he didn't go with her and it was okay that she didn't try to make him and didn't question his reasons for not going. It was good that he didn't have to explain and wasn't tethered by that invisible leash he was so used to with everyone else.

But he already missed her company.

 

“I'll see you tomorrow. Have fun.” He asserted with a very small smile and turned to head down the hallway.

 

A light arm encircled his waist and squeezed and he looked down at Lian's bright smile. “Okay, Angel. Will do. How about I walk you to work in the morning, though?”

 

His smile became more honest then. “Sure.”

 

She grinned and he watched her bounce away for the evening. He didn't wander long. Just long enough to prove it hadn't been a total lie. Then he walked back to his lonely, dark apartment where he planned to disappear…for a few hours…he hadn't felt the need to disappear so much in the last three days, but he could feel it coming back. He didn't want to face what was waiting for him at home. Not alone. What was waiting for him seemed so insignificant and yet so huge at the same time. How could he dread nothing so much? But it was such a very tangible nothing… Videl and his mother and all his failures in the form of broken scattered white plaster and death burned black into the carpet and bloody glass swept carefully out of sight in the bathroom. There were so many little nothings that all compounded and coalesced and manifested into one huge, malevolent, crushing darkness that felt so very alive. All waiting for him.

 

He walked home all alone. Alone with his thoughts. Was he as alone as Gary had been when he'd let him walk away? When he told him it would all be okay and then let him go off to be alone. He had kept his pill bottle close ever since then. He wanted the calm that came with it. He wanted the security. He needed it to get him through the day and make everything alright. Because of this medication, he couldn't feel the twanging in his shoulder and the creeping sensation had been replaced with a pervasive wellbeing. It was wonderful.

 

But now he was alone.
Now he felt alone.
He hadn't been alone since Monday morning.
He never would have expected it to bother him so much.

 

His dark musing was cut off when a warm body crashed into his and knocked him tumbling into the grass beside the sidewalk.

 

“Oh, man! I'm sorry. Didn't see you there.”

 

Gohan found himself staring up at a familiar shiny silver chain running across one of its owner's grinning cheeks.

 

“Hey, neighbor! Long time no see!”

 

It took Gohan a moment to place a name with the chain…er…face.
“…Hi…uh…uh…is it Kris or…Tom…?” His voice was still dull, the collision not having quite managed to tear him out of his morose state.

 

“It's Tom. Sorry about that. My roommate is trying to cook and I guess he didn't like my constructive criticism…” He winked one eye, both of which were heavily outlined in black, almost like a raccoon mask, but more stylishly Goth.

 

Kris's dryly annoyed face appeared in the sky above them. “If you're going to bitch about my food, at least have the decency not to hide behind innocent bystanders. Are you okay, Angel?” He wore eyeliner as well, but it was only noticeable enough to make the clear blue of his eyes stand out brightly in comparison.

 

Tom hauled Gohan to his feet and thoughtfully patted him down before pronouncing him injury free. Kris just shook his head wryly and asked Gohan again if he was okay.

 

Gohan shrugged. “Yeah. I'm fine. It's alright.”

 

Tom grinned jovially. “Hey! I know. To apologize for mauling you, why don't you join us for some grub? Misery loves company.”

 

Kris glared. “My mandarin chicken does not equate to misery!”

 

Tom just grinned wider. “And we've got a kung fu movie. Huh?” He nudged Gohan with his elbow. “So, yeah?”

 

Gohan rubbed his bruised ribs gingerly. “Really…it's okay. I barely felt it…you don't have to…”

 

Tom quickly shook his head. “Of course we have to!”

 

Kris just rolled his eyes. “Tom loves having company over. It's one of his things…” He shrugged rather nonchalantly, as if it didn't really matter either way. “You're welcome to come over.”

 

Gohan didn't know what to say, but when Tom hooked an arm with his he figured he really didn't have much option to decline. They were honestly inviting him...and he really wasn't in any hurry to go back to his apartment...so... "Well…I guess…sure…"

 

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