Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Saved? ❯ Insecurities ( Chapter 4 )

Warnings: mentions of past abuse, non-consensual sex

 

*Italics indicate a character's thoughts.

 

Chapter 4: Insecurity

 

“Well Mr. MacLean, it seems as though you are ready to go home. Just take an easy for the next couple of days and avoid any strenuous activity.” Dr. Jacobs ordered.

 

“No problem.” Ryo said gratefully.

 

“Do you have someone to take you home? Because you shouldn't be driving,” Dr. Jacobs explained.

 

“I just have to phone. Thanks for everything,” Ryo replied. He left his room and walked towards the exit. He was so happy to be leaving and going home. He just hoped that Berkeley would forgive him. Pulling out his cell phone, Ryo dialled the number of the precinct. “May I please speak to Detective Adams?” Ryo asked when his call finally went through.

 

“Of course, please hold.” The receptionist said politely.

 

Ryo tapped his foot as he stood waiting. He would have asked for Dee but he didn't want to enrage Berkeley anymore, especially with the way Berkeley reacted the other day. Ryo absently rubbed his face where Berkeley had hit him, wishing that Berkeley believed him, that he and Dee were just friends, that's all. Berkeley was just protective of him, he tried to rationalize. He sighed, realizing that he probably would have reacted the same way if he had seen Berkeley with someone else, maybe just less violently. “I really hope he forgives me,” Ryo said out loud, blushing when he realized that people were staring at him strangely.

 

“Hello, this is Detective Adams. How may I help you?” JJ. said over the phone.

 

“Hey JJ. It's me, Randy. Can you pick me up at the hospital and give me a ride home?” Ryo asked.

 

“Can you hang on for one second? I have to go ask.”

 

“Sure,” Ryo replied, confused of why JJ. had to ask permission.

 

A few minutes later, JJ. came back on the phone. “Yeah, I can. Right now?”

 

“Yes, please. Thanks a lot JJ.” Ryo said thankfully.

 

“I'll be there in five minutes.” JJ. answered and hung up the phone.

 

Ryo turned off his cell phone and glanced around, looking for a spot to sit down. His back was killing him. The doctor had told him that he hit his tailbone really hard against the pavement, which would hinder certain movements and cause pain and stiffness through the back region. He had prescribed some painkillers, advising Ryo to take them only if necessary. Ryo finally located a bench and carefully sat down. The different position helped the pain in his back and allowed him to enjoy a few minutes of peace and quiet.

 

*****

 

As JJ. drove to the hospital, two thoughts kept going through his head. Why did Randy call me for a ride? What about Berkeley or Dee? Surely either of them would have given Randy a ride. Besides, I don't really want to talk to Randy, I know that he's hurt because of me. I don't know what to say to him or how to act around him. It was all my fault.

 

JJ. arrived at the hospital, feeling as if the drive was shorter than what it really was. He pulled his car into the patient pickup area and looked around for Ryo. Noticing him sitting on a bench, JJ. honked the horn and waved when Ryo looked his way.

 

*****

 

As Ryo sat watching everyone around him, a car horn suddenly sounded, drawing his attention to where JJ. was waiting for him. He slowly got up from the bench using his good arm to balance him as the other one was still in a sling. He made his way over to JJ.'s car, opened the door and dropped gingerly in the passenger seat. “Thanks for coming, JJ.” Ryo commented, once he was settled with his seatbelt done up.

 

JJ. just nodded and turned up the radio, trying to avoid conversation with Ryo. Just seeing the pain that Ryo was in, all because of him, made JJ. feel so guilty that all he wanted to do was cry.

 

The ride to Ryo's apartment was quiet, with the only conversation consisting of Ryo giving JJ. the appropriate directions. At the building, JJ. pulled up to the entrance, planning on dropping Ryo off and leaving. However, remembering what the doctor said about someone being at home with Ryo, JJ. decided to at least make sure that Ryo got to his apartment alright. During this conversation with himself, Ryo had already exited the vehicle.

 

“Thanks again, JJ. I'll see you in a couple days at work.” Ryo turned and started towards the entrance.

 

“Wait!” JJ. exclaimed. Ryo stopped walking and turned towards JJ. “At least let me help you to your apartment,” he mumbled.

 

Ryo smiled, glad to hear JJ.'s offer. “That would be really appreciated JJ.”

 

The two men entered the building. Ryo led JJ. to a group of elevators and pushed the up button. “My apartment is only on the third floor. I normally take the stairs but I don't think my back could handle that today,” Ryo explained.

 

JJ. bowed his head, knowing that he contributed to Ryo's pain. Ryo noticed JJ.'s reaction and resolved to talk to him once they reached his and Berkeley's apartment.

 

The elevator dinged, indicating that it had approached the ground floor. Ryo and JJ. went up to the third floor and walked down a long hallway. Fishing the keys out of his pocket, Ryo opened the door and motioned for JJ. to follow him inside. JJ. entered reluctantly and couldn't help gasping, Ryo's apartment was huge! The door opened to a spacious living room, with a beautiful white couch-sofa set with sparkling glass tables. At one end was an entertainment system with a large screen television and at the other end was a black grand piano.

 

“Would you like some coffee, JJ.?” Ryo asked, playing the role of a host.

 

“Sure,” he replied. He took off his shoes, following Ryo's example and entered the living room. “Can I help you at all?” JJ. asked after hearing Ryo clang around in the kitchen.

 

“I'm fine.” Ryo came back into the living room, holding a tray with two coffees. He carefully set the tray on the table and sat down with a slight grimace. “Thanks. It's really all because of Berkeley's salary. Being the commissioner does have its perks even though it requires more hours at work.” Ryo replied, after hearing JJ.'s gasp when he first saw the apartment.

 

JJ. was slightly surprised to hear that Berkeley spent a lot of time at work. From what he's heard from the 26th, Commissioner Rose is rarely seen in his office. Maybe he just spends more time in the field, JJ. tried to rationalize.

 

“Look JJ., we need to talk.” Ryo's voice had gone serious.

 

“About what?” JJ. replied, acting like he didn't know what Ryo was talking about, even though he did.

 

“You know exactly what I mean JJ.” Ryo said harshly, tired of JJ.'s antics.

 

“Randy, I'm sorry. I know what you mean, I just don't want to talk about it, okay?” JJ. asked hopefully.

 

“JJ., we need to talk about it. I want you to know that I don't blame you for what happened. I blame myself,” Ryo said quietly, reflecting back to what Berkeley had said.

 

“But Randy…” JJ. started to say, only to have Ryo cut him off.

 

“No buts JJ. I put myself into the situation. I asked you to take down Takashi and you tried, I just got in the way.”

 

“Randy! What are you saying? I was the one who shot you, not yourself! It was my fault!” JJ. blurted out.

 

“No JJ., it wasn't your fault. It was mine.” Ryo concluded, unwavering.

 

JJ. wanted to refuse, to tell Ryo that he was wrong, that it was all his fault, but he could tell that Ryo wasn't going to change his mind. “If you say so, Randy.” JJ. stated, not willing to continue with the argument. “I better get going. I've been put on probation so I need to reduce time away from work.”

 

“Okay,” Ryo replied. As JJ. was putting his shoes back on, Ryo added. “Please tell Dee thanks. And tell the chief I'll be back to work on Thursday.”

 

“Sure. Talk to you later. Please phone if you need anything,” JJ. answered and left the apartment.

 

Ryo sat back down on the couch, debating what to cook for dinner. Before he could think about it for too long, he drifted off to sleep.

 

*****Precinct*****

 

“Hey Drake, have you seen JJ. at all?” Dee asked, worried about his lover getting into more trouble.

 

“He went to go pick up Randy at the hospital.” Drake replied, too preoccupied with the files on his desk to notice Dee's disappointment.

 

“Oh, thanks Drake.” Dee answered and gloomily walked back to his office. Why didn't he call me? Dee asked himself, upset that Ryo didn't call him for a ride. But wait, why do I care? Left to debate over that last thought, Dee didn't notice JJ. come in until he felt someone slam into him, yelling “Dee-sempai! Dee-sempai!”

 

“Hey JJ.” Dee replied, turning around to give JJ. a kiss. “So how's Randy doing?”

 

“Well…it's kind of hard to explain. Physically, he seems to be doing better, although he isn't moving around very fast due to his back. But mentally, I just don't know. He was blaming himself for what had happened, saying that it was all his fault.” JJ. finished sadly, worried for Ryo.

 

“JJ., you were guilty of that too but you got over it. So will Randy.” Dee replied positively.

 

“I don't know Dee. He seemed so depressed.” JJ. replied, thinking back to Ryo's behaviour, silent, withdrawn and almost scared.

 

“Maybe I'll go visit him and see what's up,” Dee commented, becoming concerned. JJ. was known to be oversensitive but maybe something was really wrong with Ryo.

 

“That is a good idea, but maybe you should wait. After all, he just got out of the hospital.” JJ. said rationally.

 

Dee nodded, “You're right, JJ.”

 

“Well I have to go talk to the chief, see you at home?” JJ. questioned Dee.

 

“Yeah, I just might be a little late.” Dee replied. He wanted to check up on something. More particularly what Berkeley was up to the other day when Ryo was in surgery. What kind of lover returns to work when their boyfriend is in the hospital? Needless to say, it was suspicious and he was curious.

 

“Okay then. Bye Dee.” With that, JJ. left the office and Dee was left to contemplate his means of investigating Berkeley.

 

*****

 

Berkeley knocked on the door, frowning slightly when no one answered. He thought that Ryo would be home by now. After a minute of searching, he located his keys and entered the apartment. Upon entering, the reason for Ryo not answering the door became apparent. Ryo was sprawled on the couch, fast asleep. Berkeley crossed the room and leaned down to give Ryo a kiss. “Babe?” He asked, gently touching Ryo's shoulder.

 

Ryo slowly awoke to see Berkeley next to him. “Hi, koibito,” Ryo said tiredly, “When did you get home?”

 

“Just now. How are you feeling?” Berkeley asked.

 

“Better.” Ryo sat up, wincing as his back decided to take revenge for the awkward position it had been in.

 

Berkeley sat down next to Ryo, putting an arm around his shoulder. “You don't sound that much better, love.”

 

“I'm sorry koibito.” Ryo put his head against Berkeley's shoulder. “You were right, it was my fault and I'm sorry.” Tears started to well up in Ryo's eyes.

 

Berkeley carefully wiped away the tears that started to fall. “It's okay baby.”

 

“No, its not. I insinuated that you didn't care for me and I know that's not the case. Please forgive me koibito, aishiteru.” Ryo said desperately, clinging to Berkeley's shirt, wanting some kind of contact to reassure him.

 

“I forgive you Ryo.” Berkeley said, pushing Ryo back down on the couch, lust filling his eyes.

 

“Koibito?” Ryo asked questioningly, wondering what Berkeley was going to do and hoping that it wasn't what he thought it was. If it was, he wasn't sure his back was up to it.

 

“Shh…” Berkeley whispered before leaning over Ryo, capturing his lips in a passionate kiss while his hands began to un-tuck Ryo's shirt.

 

Whimpering, Ryo parted his lips, allowing Berkeley's tongue to enter and caress his mouth. Ryo grasped Berkeley's hair, not wanting his lover to stop the assault on his mouth, although at the same time, not wanting him to continue.

 

Successfully, un-tucking Ryo's shirt, Berkeley's hands began to unbutton it, hurriedly discarding the unwanted garment. Berkeley's tongue made its way down to Ryo's sensitive nipples, licking over each one and smiling at Ryo's moans of pleasure. His hands traced down Ryo's chest and came to rest over the bulge in Ryo's pants.

 

Moaning over the contact, Ryo arched his back, thrusting his erection further into Berkeley's hands, crying out as a sharp pain shot through his back, caused by his sudden movement. Not noticing Ryo's pain, Berkeley continued his ministrations. Ridding Ryo of his pants, Berkeley began to stroke Ryo's hard cock while his other hand teased Ryo's tight bud.

 

“Berkeley,” Ryo panted, “We need to stop.” Small spasms were shooting down his back, causing extreme amounts of pain.

 

“Mmmm…what did you say?” Berkeley answered, not paying attention to Ryo's request. His hand pumped Ryo's member faster as he inserted one lubed finger into Ryo.

 

“We need to stop!” Ryo yelled, trying to push Berkeley off him, as the pain had only intensified. “It hurts too much,” Ryo whimpered.

 

“Ryo, baby, that's just because we haven't done this for a while. It will get better in a minute, I promise.” Berkeley said in an exasperated voice. Really Ryo was too much of a baby sometimes. To prove his point, Berkeley inserted a second finger and continued to stretch his lover.

 

Tears started rolling down Ryo's face. “It's not that, koi. I hurt my back when I was shot. I'm not...”

 

He was cut off by Berkeley's mouth, silencing his protests. “Stop thinking of excuses, Ryo. I want to get off and I want to do it by fucking you. So shut up and deal with it.” Berkeley said harshly. He inserted a third finger and moaned as his fingers were engulfed in Ryo's warm heat. His shaft quivered as the thought of being buried in that heat ran through his body.

 

Ryo's dark eyes opened in surprise at the way Berkeley had just spoken to him. His lover had never spoken such harsh words to him before, especially not in the middle of making love. And what is wrong with him? He's never forced me into sex before, Ryo thought to himself.

 

Berkeley bent Ryo's legs back and posed ready to enter his lover, but paused, finally noticing the look of pain and sadness on Ryo's face. He slumped back onto the couch, disappointed in Ryo and in himself. Why did he just do that? He knew that if Ryo wasn't willing there were many that were, like Diana. Maybe it was the way that Ryo encouraged him and then pulled back. Yeah, that was the reason.

 

“Koibito?” Ryo asked nervously, wondering if Berkeley was finally going to stop. He tried to sit up but the torture that his back had just been through resisted the movement. He closed his eyes, breathing deeply and waited for his lover's explanation.

 

“Dammit, Ryo.” Berkeley said gruffly, running his hands through his hair. “You can't tempt me like that and then stop halfway through. It doesn't work that way.” Berkeley sighed, glancing down at his now lost erection.

 

“I'm sorry koibito, I really am. I just can't do it right now. I'm still not fully healed.” Ryo finally managed to prop himself up on the couch. Reaching out towards Berkeley, Ryo added, “I can help you finish, just not the way you want me too.”

 

“Just forget it Ryo.” Berkeley pushed Ryo's hand away. He got up from the couch and walked over to the door. “I'm going out for a bit. Don't stay up.” Berkeley walked out the door, not telling Ryo where he was going or when he'd be back.

 

Ryo sat on the couch, staring at the door as a few tears slowly escaped. He couldn't believe or comprehend what had just happened. “What is wrong with me?” Ryo asked himself. “Why can't I make him happy?”

 

Ryo was interrupted from his thoughts as the sound of a ringing cell phone rang through the apartment. After realizing that it was his cell phone ringing, it took him a couple minutes to answer it, as it required him getting off the couch. Finally locating his cell phone, Ryo answered with a painful, “Hello?” and sat back down on the couch.

 

“Hey Randy, it's me, Dee.” Dee said casually, slightly concerned by the tone of Ryo's voice.

 

“Oh, hi Dee. Did something come up at work?” Ryo asked, figuring that that would be the only reason that Dee was calling him for.

 

“No, not at all. I was just calling to see how you were doing.” Dee said honestly. After what JJ. had told him about Ryo sounding depressed, he wanted to check up on him.

 

“I'm doing…fine.” Ryo said shakily, his mind still reeling from the events that had just taken place.

 

“Are you sure? You don't sound that great,” Dee replied anxiously.

 

“Yeah, I'm okay, just a little sore. Thanks for checking though,” Ryo said, a little clearer than before.

 

“No problem, Randy. Just give me or JJ. call if you need anything or want to talk, okay?”

 

Ryo paused, debating whether or not to take Dee up on his offer. He really did need to talk to someone…to help him…but no, Dee wasn't the one to talk to, not right now. “Thanks Dee, I'll see you in a couple of days. Thanks for calling and re-thank JJ. for me, will you?” Ryo answered quickly, not wanting to change his mind.

 

“Sure, can't wait to have you back at work.”

 

“Night Dee.” Ryo said quietly, turning off the phone. That was nice of him, Ryo thought to himself, he didn't need to phone, after all, it's not like I'm important to him. Ryo stood up and entered his bedroom, intent on staying up for Berkeley, but losing the battle to the alluring peace of sleep.

 

*****

 

Dee hung up the phone slowly, his mind on what Ryo had sounded like, in pain and hurting. Drat, I thought for a moment that he was going to talk to me, but then he closed himself right back up. I hope in time that he'll be able to trust me. He glanced towards the door, waiting for JJ. to come back from picking up pizza, wondering if he should do something more.

 

The sound of keys was heard and the door was opened. JJ. walked in, pizza in one hand and a bag of pop in the other. He dropped them on the table and went to sit next to Dee on the couch, wanting to be comforted by Dee's presence.

 

Noticing JJ.'s mood, Dee quickly opened his arms, allowing JJ. to cuddle up against him. Rubbing JJ.'s arm, Dee asked “What's wrong?”

 

“Berkeley and Randy are lovers, right? I mean they live together because they love each other, right? Just like we do?” JJ. questioned quietly.

“Yes, JJ. That's what I believe to be the case anyways. Why?” Dee answered, confused at where JJ. was going.

 

“I saw…Berkeley at a bar, without Randy.” JJ. looked at Dee, expecting him to know what he meant. Dee tilted his head, still confused. JJ. noticed Dee's lack of understanding and summed it up into one sentence, “Making out with a woman…why would he do that? Randy seems to be a good person. Why?” JJ. asked futilely, leaning his head on Dee's strong shoulder, confused why Berkeley would do that to Ryo.

 

“I don't know JJ. but I'll promise you, that I will never do that to you, never.” Dee said earnestly, holding JJ. tighter. “Never.” With that stated, Dee lifted JJ.'s face upward and kissed him.

 

The pizza lay forgotten as Dee and JJ.'s kiss turned into something more passionate. However, as Dee lied in bed, listening to the man sleeping in his arms, he couldn't help but think of Ryo.

 

*****

 

Author's Notes:

 

I apologize for being so slow in updating. This chapter had many struggles, one of the hardest being the forced lemon scene. This was my first “lemon” so I hoped it was okay. Thanx again to shinigami-koi and septemberfaerie for helping, without you guys, I would go insane.

 

To my reviewers:

 

FreakyYaoiGirl: Thanx for reviewing, and I'm glad you like it. I hope you enjoyed the new chapter. Please keep reading!

 

Gddsinferno: I know it was a bit short but it seemed like the perfect place to end it. Anyways, thanx for your continued reviews. I hope you enjoyed the update.

 

Jiki: Thanx for your review. I'm glad you like it.