Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction ❯ The Abridged Script Archive ❯ Parasite Eve II (PSX) ( Chapter 11 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: jbullions 
The short mockery script for Parasite Eve 2
Non Anime: Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Psychological / / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 09.03.2002 | Updated On: 10.13.2002 | Pages: 6 | Words: 1.7K | Visits: 466 | Status: Completed
The short mockery script for Parasite Eve 2
Non Anime: Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Psychological / / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 09.03.2002 | Updated On: 10.13.2002 | Pages: 6 | Words: 1.7K | Visits: 466 | Status: Completed
PARASITE EVE 2: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
by Jack Bullions
EXT. LOS ANGELES CUT SEQUENCE
Assorted PIECES OF CGI, pretending to be SWAT, are running
towards the AKROPOLIS TOWER.
PIECE OF CGI #1
It's such a lovely day today. Too bad
we're all going to die gruesomely.
PIECE OF CGI #2
Jennifer Love Hewitt pretending she has
a singing career again?
PIECE OF CGI #1
Worse. I think we're going to get our
faces eaten by rejected Resident Evil
models, and whatever else the Graphic
Artists decide to throw at us.
PIECE OF CGI #2
Of course.
They enter the Tower and DIE gruesomely. HELICOPTERS crash
onto the street resulting in FIERY CGI EXPLOSIONS which
ignite nearby CARS and cause more EXPLOSIONS. More BODIES
and CARS continue to EXPLODE until the CUT SEQUENCE finishes.
DIRECTOR KENICHI IWAO
Burn, baby, burn!! Yeah! Yeah!
INT. AKROPOLIS TOWER
AYA BREA, looking mysteriously younger, appears and uses her
intense concentration of mitochondria elements to defeat
DISGUSTING PIECES of mitochondria-controlled CGI, or blow
them up in FIERY CGI EXPLOSIONS if time permits.
AYA BREA
What? Don't tell me we're still
fiddling around with this heinous
quasi-scientific bullshit after three
years?
GRAPHIC ARTISTS
Hey, Iwao-sama... no one told us that
this sequel was going to be set three
years after. A 27-year old woman?
Unheard of! We can't jack off to our
conceptual drawings now. She is so...
mature and old!
DIRECTOR KENICHI IWAO
Kuso! We certainly can not allow that
in our teen-obsessive corporation. I
will now tack on one obscene quasi-
scientific explanation to justify the
absurdity about to happen next. We can
even call this game a cinematic RPG
even though I haven't a God's honest
clue why. I mean what in the hell is
so cinematic about a hack with no
voice-actors, right?
OBSCENE QUASI-SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION occurs.
AYA BREA
Wow! I'm suddenly younger, sexier, and
more blonde. If this isn't a great
example of our many annoying marketing
ploys used to sucker gamers into buying
our mediocre sequels, I don't know what
is. I hope the gamers don't notice.
RABID SQUARE FANATICS
Miniskirt! Tits! Tits! Miniskirt!
AYA BREA
Excellent.
A CGI monster creeps up to AYA while she poses seductively.
RUPERT BRODERICK appears and saves AYA from the monster.
RUPERT BRODERICK
Hey, you really should be careful out
here. You only have 100 Hit Points,
biz-natch.
AYA BREA
Thanks, Rupert. Not only have I gone
younger physically, but apparently in
the three years since the first game
I've gone from a reserved, hard-ass cop
to a boring, mindless tart.
RUPERT BRODERICK
Yeah, okay, just don't expect me to bail
you out everytime. What's going to
happen if I get hurt?
(injures arm)
Well shit, I suppose that's it for me.
From now on you can just refer to me as
meaningless character.
AYA BREA
Hmm, something tells me you won't be the
only meaningless character. So what
should I do now?
RUPERT BRODERICK
Well let's see, common sense dictates we
should call for back-up, but since this
game is all about you, we'll send no
one.
AYA BREA
Aren't you the least bit worried about
my well-being?
RUPERT BRODERICK
Actually, I'm more worried everyone will
confuse this game with Resident Evil.
Now go wander by yourself.
EXT. ROOFTOPS
AYA BREA meets NO. 9, the LEVEL BOSS and they go into BATTLE
MODE. Director Kenichi Iwao, believing he hasn't kicked
Rabid Square Fanatics' collective balls hard enough with this
hack, re-arranges the wiring on the PLAYER CONTROLS and
shifts the CAMERA into neck-craning angles. This lasts
throughtout the game.
AYA BREA
You seem to be quite inept and slow-
witted in this fight. Quite clearly my
mitochondria and rambunctious
maneuvering are far superior to yours.
NO. 9
Yes, very impressive indeed, but I can
not die here. I haven't showed up
randomly enough to emulate true horror
and suspense. We will meet again.
NO. 9 performs a MATRIX maneuver and leaves in a FIERY CGI
EXPLOSION.
INT. MITOCHONDRION INVESTIGATION & SUPPRESSION TEAM
HEADQUARTERS
AYA and RUPERT enter, walking past numerous PRODUCT
PLACEMENTS and juvenile UNREALISTIC FEDERAL AGENTS. They
explain their mission results to the M.I.S.T. boss, ERIC
"HAL" BALDWIN.
AYA BREA
(holding a Coke can)
I met some walking CGI with a mask
making vague threats about something or
another. Guess those NMCs are back at
it again, I don't know, I'm not paying
attention to this damn game.
ERIC "HAL" BALDWIN
(also holding a Coke can)
I see. Well, there's only one thing to
do... act oblivous... and drink Coke.
Look gamers!!! Coke can!! You are
thirsty! Very thirsty! BUY COCA-COLA!
RUPERT BRODERICK
Hey boss, maybe you oughta do something
to help move this plot along?
ERIC looks at RUPERT in bewilderment.
ERIC "HAL" BALDWIN
What plot? This game has one?
RUPERT BRODERICK
Yeah, we need info files, man.
ERIC "HAL" BALDWIN
Oh, right, excuse me...
(handing Aya the Resident
Evil and Fear Effect game
CDs)
... here are the information files for
your next mission. We are currently
somewhere between character
introductions and killing zombies I
think. Check it out.
AYA BREA inserts Resident Evil GAME CD into the office's SONY
PLAYSTATION. She picks up the CONTROL PAD.
AYA BREA
Hmmm, select character. Got it. Okay,
according to this, I have to go pay a
visit to some locales set in the middle
of nowhere.
RUPERT BRODERICK
You're kidding, right?
AYA BREA
Nopers. And hey, looks like they're
overrun with monsters created from
freakish genetic experimentations, too.
RUPERT BRODERICK
Jesus Christ, was there any effort put
into making this game unique or
original? This is absolutely
ridiculous.
ERIC "HAL" BALDWIN
That's nothing. If Aya wants some gear,
she'll have to buy it from us, employee
or not. BWA-HA-HA-HA!
EXT. MOJAVE DESERT
AYA puts on her best Lara Croft attire, and arrives in the
desert.
AYA BREA
I am, like, so hot, in every sense of
the word.
EXT. DRYFIELD
AYA wanders around town and meets several PARASITE EVE 2
cartoon characters.
GARY DOUGLAS
Yee-haw. Gun-toting American here. I
am a game merchant, which means I have
no real personality.
KYLE MADIGAN
Private Investigator here. I am the
game romance. I have no real
personality either but I do play a very
well unabashed idiot.
(trying to look young and handsome)
Say, you wanna climb into the backseat
and test out the shocks on this baby?
AYA BREA
Whatever. Just fulfill your meaningless
roles and either sell me weapons and
body armor to fight these zombies... uh,
mitochondria-controlled mutants, or help
me kill them.
AYA and KYLE wander around town, pumping ONE-HUNDRED ROUNDS
into FUCKING ZOMBIE RATS for crying out loud, while also
solving inane puzzles that were rejected from RESIDENT EVIL.
KYLE MADIGAN
We need the key locked inside this cash
register to help us progress plot.
AYA BREA
Well, let's see... in order to open
this, we need to solve a math problem,
which will require us to retrace our
steps and check every nook and cranny
for birthdates. What fun!
RABID SQUARE FANATICS
To open a cash register? Why don't I
just break it instead?
DIRECTOR KENICHI IWAO
What? And make this game coherent and
short? We must add as many puzzles as
we can to extend length of this game.
This is Squaresoft thinking!
AYA and KYLE retrace their steps, searching CABINETS and
DRAWERS by pushing X-Button too many times to discover CLUES.
RABID SQUARE FANATICS
How are you expecting this to be any
good as the original? This entire game
is a brainless amalgam of everything
that happened in Resident Evil which in
itself was a mindless translation from
Biohazard.
AYA BREA
Uh, oh. Looks like even the most rabid
of Square fans are getting antsy. I
think I'll slip into something
gratuitous, or better yet, go take a
shower. That'll wake them.
Aya shows a whole lot of NECK, SHOULDER, SOME LEG, and
nothing else. This gives RABID SQUARE FANATICS enough
excitement to endure the last half of this monstrosity.
EXT. RANDOM LOCATIONS IN DRYFIELD
AYA and KYLE move around the town, gathering more clues,
consuming more time, and shooting ZOMBIE... uh-MITOCHONDRIA-
CONTROLLED MUTANTS.
AYA BREA
I have carefully calculated the point
of origin of this intricately copied
game.
KYLE MADIGAN
Yes, indeed. Who would have thought
there's an underground installation
here that caused this unfortunate
accident?
(pause)
Oh, wait...
Aya and Kyle head out to the desert and walk onto the set of
JURASSIC PARK.
KYLE MADIGAN
Yes, yes, this certainly looks like the
place.
AYA BREA
Hmm... look at all of these experiments
and genetic mutations. They seem
familiar.
NO. 9 reappears to explain plot.
NO. 9
Indeed they are! Human evolution is so
limited and as a result of that
incredible enlightenment we took your
DNA when you were a little girl and made
clones of perfect super-zombie-humans!
Like Eve!
AYA BREA
That's the dumbest plotline I've ever
heard.
NO. 9
You obviously have never seen the rest
of our games.
AYA BREA
True. Oh well, guess I should go kill
Eve all over again, unless something
distracts us.
MARINES arrive, distracting plot.
INT. WHITE HOUSE
AMERICAN PRESIDENT
I am a President, and I live in America,
therefore, I must be an American
President.
DIRECTOR KENICHI IWAO
Ha ha! Take that Capcom! We're using
an actual American President we have
concocted mindlessly. I will now draw
attention to American stupidity.
OFFICIAL LOOKING MAN
Mr. President, our men have secured the
area but our Graphic Artists Division
firmly believes its necessary that our
predicament can only be resolved by one
massive CGI explosion.
AMERICAN PRESIDENT
Very well. Use the Super Secret Happy
Yamato Death Ray Thingamajig.
EXT. MOHAVE DESERT
THE TOWN, assorted COCA-COLA DISPENSERS, and ALL RATIONALITY
blow up in a FIERY CGI EXPLOSION.
EXT. JURASSIC PARK SET
ULTIMA-WHATEVER-EVE
What the hell am I doing back in this
game?
AYA BREA
As a reminder that this is Parasite Eve
and not a carelessly recycled Resident
Evil game. That's a good one, right?
Time to die.
Ultima-Whatever-Eve DIES.
AYA BREA
I love you, Kyle!
KYLE MADIGAN
Huh? Uh, sure.
AYA and KYLE jump on board a COCA-COLA BLIMP and fly away
into the sunset.
GAME OVER.
by Jack Bullions
EXT. LOS ANGELES CUT SEQUENCE
Assorted PIECES OF CGI, pretending to be SWAT, are running
towards the AKROPOLIS TOWER.
PIECE OF CGI #1
It's such a lovely day today. Too bad
we're all going to die gruesomely.
PIECE OF CGI #2
Jennifer Love Hewitt pretending she has
a singing career again?
PIECE OF CGI #1
Worse. I think we're going to get our
faces eaten by rejected Resident Evil
models, and whatever else the Graphic
Artists decide to throw at us.
PIECE OF CGI #2
Of course.
They enter the Tower and DIE gruesomely. HELICOPTERS crash
onto the street resulting in FIERY CGI EXPLOSIONS which
ignite nearby CARS and cause more EXPLOSIONS. More BODIES
and CARS continue to EXPLODE until the CUT SEQUENCE finishes.
DIRECTOR KENICHI IWAO
Burn, baby, burn!! Yeah! Yeah!
INT. AKROPOLIS TOWER
AYA BREA, looking mysteriously younger, appears and uses her
intense concentration of mitochondria elements to defeat
DISGUSTING PIECES of mitochondria-controlled CGI, or blow
them up in FIERY CGI EXPLOSIONS if time permits.
AYA BREA
What? Don't tell me we're still
fiddling around with this heinous
quasi-scientific bullshit after three
years?
GRAPHIC ARTISTS
Hey, Iwao-sama... no one told us that
this sequel was going to be set three
years after. A 27-year old woman?
Unheard of! We can't jack off to our
conceptual drawings now. She is so...
mature and old!
DIRECTOR KENICHI IWAO
Kuso! We certainly can not allow that
in our teen-obsessive corporation. I
will now tack on one obscene quasi-
scientific explanation to justify the
absurdity about to happen next. We can
even call this game a cinematic RPG
even though I haven't a God's honest
clue why. I mean what in the hell is
so cinematic about a hack with no
voice-actors, right?
OBSCENE QUASI-SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION occurs.
AYA BREA
Wow! I'm suddenly younger, sexier, and
more blonde. If this isn't a great
example of our many annoying marketing
ploys used to sucker gamers into buying
our mediocre sequels, I don't know what
is. I hope the gamers don't notice.
RABID SQUARE FANATICS
Miniskirt! Tits! Tits! Miniskirt!
AYA BREA
Excellent.
A CGI monster creeps up to AYA while she poses seductively.
RUPERT BRODERICK appears and saves AYA from the monster.
RUPERT BRODERICK
Hey, you really should be careful out
here. You only have 100 Hit Points,
biz-natch.
AYA BREA
Thanks, Rupert. Not only have I gone
younger physically, but apparently in
the three years since the first game
I've gone from a reserved, hard-ass cop
to a boring, mindless tart.
RUPERT BRODERICK
Yeah, okay, just don't expect me to bail
you out everytime. What's going to
happen if I get hurt?
(injures arm)
Well shit, I suppose that's it for me.
From now on you can just refer to me as
meaningless character.
AYA BREA
Hmm, something tells me you won't be the
only meaningless character. So what
should I do now?
RUPERT BRODERICK
Well let's see, common sense dictates we
should call for back-up, but since this
game is all about you, we'll send no
one.
AYA BREA
Aren't you the least bit worried about
my well-being?
RUPERT BRODERICK
Actually, I'm more worried everyone will
confuse this game with Resident Evil.
Now go wander by yourself.
EXT. ROOFTOPS
AYA BREA meets NO. 9, the LEVEL BOSS and they go into BATTLE
MODE. Director Kenichi Iwao, believing he hasn't kicked
Rabid Square Fanatics' collective balls hard enough with this
hack, re-arranges the wiring on the PLAYER CONTROLS and
shifts the CAMERA into neck-craning angles. This lasts
throughtout the game.
AYA BREA
You seem to be quite inept and slow-
witted in this fight. Quite clearly my
mitochondria and rambunctious
maneuvering are far superior to yours.
NO. 9
Yes, very impressive indeed, but I can
not die here. I haven't showed up
randomly enough to emulate true horror
and suspense. We will meet again.
NO. 9 performs a MATRIX maneuver and leaves in a FIERY CGI
EXPLOSION.
INT. MITOCHONDRION INVESTIGATION & SUPPRESSION TEAM
HEADQUARTERS
AYA and RUPERT enter, walking past numerous PRODUCT
PLACEMENTS and juvenile UNREALISTIC FEDERAL AGENTS. They
explain their mission results to the M.I.S.T. boss, ERIC
"HAL" BALDWIN.
AYA BREA
(holding a Coke can)
I met some walking CGI with a mask
making vague threats about something or
another. Guess those NMCs are back at
it again, I don't know, I'm not paying
attention to this damn game.
ERIC "HAL" BALDWIN
(also holding a Coke can)
I see. Well, there's only one thing to
do... act oblivous... and drink Coke.
Look gamers!!! Coke can!! You are
thirsty! Very thirsty! BUY COCA-COLA!
RUPERT BRODERICK
Hey boss, maybe you oughta do something
to help move this plot along?
ERIC looks at RUPERT in bewilderment.
ERIC "HAL" BALDWIN
What plot? This game has one?
RUPERT BRODERICK
Yeah, we need info files, man.
ERIC "HAL" BALDWIN
Oh, right, excuse me...
(handing Aya the Resident
Evil and Fear Effect game
CDs)
... here are the information files for
your next mission. We are currently
somewhere between character
introductions and killing zombies I
think. Check it out.
AYA BREA inserts Resident Evil GAME CD into the office's SONY
PLAYSTATION. She picks up the CONTROL PAD.
AYA BREA
Hmmm, select character. Got it. Okay,
according to this, I have to go pay a
visit to some locales set in the middle
of nowhere.
RUPERT BRODERICK
You're kidding, right?
AYA BREA
Nopers. And hey, looks like they're
overrun with monsters created from
freakish genetic experimentations, too.
RUPERT BRODERICK
Jesus Christ, was there any effort put
into making this game unique or
original? This is absolutely
ridiculous.
ERIC "HAL" BALDWIN
That's nothing. If Aya wants some gear,
she'll have to buy it from us, employee
or not. BWA-HA-HA-HA!
EXT. MOJAVE DESERT
AYA puts on her best Lara Croft attire, and arrives in the
desert.
AYA BREA
I am, like, so hot, in every sense of
the word.
EXT. DRYFIELD
AYA wanders around town and meets several PARASITE EVE 2
cartoon characters.
GARY DOUGLAS
Yee-haw. Gun-toting American here. I
am a game merchant, which means I have
no real personality.
KYLE MADIGAN
Private Investigator here. I am the
game romance. I have no real
personality either but I do play a very
well unabashed idiot.
(trying to look young and handsome)
Say, you wanna climb into the backseat
and test out the shocks on this baby?
AYA BREA
Whatever. Just fulfill your meaningless
roles and either sell me weapons and
body armor to fight these zombies... uh,
mitochondria-controlled mutants, or help
me kill them.
AYA and KYLE wander around town, pumping ONE-HUNDRED ROUNDS
into FUCKING ZOMBIE RATS for crying out loud, while also
solving inane puzzles that were rejected from RESIDENT EVIL.
KYLE MADIGAN
We need the key locked inside this cash
register to help us progress plot.
AYA BREA
Well, let's see... in order to open
this, we need to solve a math problem,
which will require us to retrace our
steps and check every nook and cranny
for birthdates. What fun!
RABID SQUARE FANATICS
To open a cash register? Why don't I
just break it instead?
DIRECTOR KENICHI IWAO
What? And make this game coherent and
short? We must add as many puzzles as
we can to extend length of this game.
This is Squaresoft thinking!
AYA and KYLE retrace their steps, searching CABINETS and
DRAWERS by pushing X-Button too many times to discover CLUES.
RABID SQUARE FANATICS
How are you expecting this to be any
good as the original? This entire game
is a brainless amalgam of everything
that happened in Resident Evil which in
itself was a mindless translation from
Biohazard.
AYA BREA
Uh, oh. Looks like even the most rabid
of Square fans are getting antsy. I
think I'll slip into something
gratuitous, or better yet, go take a
shower. That'll wake them.
Aya shows a whole lot of NECK, SHOULDER, SOME LEG, and
nothing else. This gives RABID SQUARE FANATICS enough
excitement to endure the last half of this monstrosity.
EXT. RANDOM LOCATIONS IN DRYFIELD
AYA and KYLE move around the town, gathering more clues,
consuming more time, and shooting ZOMBIE... uh-MITOCHONDRIA-
CONTROLLED MUTANTS.
AYA BREA
I have carefully calculated the point
of origin of this intricately copied
game.
KYLE MADIGAN
Yes, indeed. Who would have thought
there's an underground installation
here that caused this unfortunate
accident?
(pause)
Oh, wait...
Aya and Kyle head out to the desert and walk onto the set of
JURASSIC PARK.
KYLE MADIGAN
Yes, yes, this certainly looks like the
place.
AYA BREA
Hmm... look at all of these experiments
and genetic mutations. They seem
familiar.
NO. 9 reappears to explain plot.
NO. 9
Indeed they are! Human evolution is so
limited and as a result of that
incredible enlightenment we took your
DNA when you were a little girl and made
clones of perfect super-zombie-humans!
Like Eve!
AYA BREA
That's the dumbest plotline I've ever
heard.
NO. 9
You obviously have never seen the rest
of our games.
AYA BREA
True. Oh well, guess I should go kill
Eve all over again, unless something
distracts us.
MARINES arrive, distracting plot.
INT. WHITE HOUSE
AMERICAN PRESIDENT
I am a President, and I live in America,
therefore, I must be an American
President.
DIRECTOR KENICHI IWAO
Ha ha! Take that Capcom! We're using
an actual American President we have
concocted mindlessly. I will now draw
attention to American stupidity.
OFFICIAL LOOKING MAN
Mr. President, our men have secured the
area but our Graphic Artists Division
firmly believes its necessary that our
predicament can only be resolved by one
massive CGI explosion.
AMERICAN PRESIDENT
Very well. Use the Super Secret Happy
Yamato Death Ray Thingamajig.
EXT. MOHAVE DESERT
THE TOWN, assorted COCA-COLA DISPENSERS, and ALL RATIONALITY
blow up in a FIERY CGI EXPLOSION.
EXT. JURASSIC PARK SET
ULTIMA-WHATEVER-EVE
What the hell am I doing back in this
game?
AYA BREA
As a reminder that this is Parasite Eve
and not a carelessly recycled Resident
Evil game. That's a good one, right?
Time to die.
Ultima-Whatever-Eve DIES.
AYA BREA
I love you, Kyle!
KYLE MADIGAN
Huh? Uh, sure.
AYA and KYLE jump on board a COCA-COLA BLIMP and fly away
into the sunset.
GAME OVER.