Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Alone in Eden ❯ O ( Chapter 3 )

Disclaimer: Gravitation is property of Maki Murakami. Sadly, I do not own anything. -_-

Note: This is dedicated to l_n and patosan for introducing me to the wonderful world of Tohma and Eiri. Thanks! ^_^

Alone in Eden

Part Three

Uesugi Eiri's seventeenth birthday was in exactly two days, and his older sister, the only one he had, in fact, had asked if he'd wanted to spend it with her and her fiancé rather than at the temple.

Of course, he'd answered with an excited, definite YES! Celebrating something that significant to him in a place as solitarily confined as his home hadn't been very appealing, anyway.

Besides, Eiri didn't have friends in Kyoto.

He'd always been the weird Japanese boy with light hair and light eyes and pale skin; no one had ever dared approach him in a friendly manner.

Eiri wasn't bothered by the fact that he wasn't liked, however. He loved his privacy, and his writing was the only companion he truly had a need for.

Although…

Tohma was quickly becoming even more important that that.

Eiri stared out the window of Mika's car, sighing as he watched the boring scenery pass by with relative quickness.

He hadn't seen the blonde in a long time, eternity it seemed. Eiri had been lonely without him, had nearly been driven insane by the younger brother who NEVER shut up, but he had preserved, knowing, in his heart, Tohma thought about him as much as he thought about Tohma.

It was non-stop. Whether he was attending school or sweeping the temple steps, the older man occupied his mind in such a way that it made Eiri blush every time he thought about it. He couldn't remember when those images of Tohma had altered into something sexual.

In fact, he couldn't really understand WHY.

Tohma had never given him the indication that there was something like that between them, anyway.

Yes, there had been the random, informal touch here or there, and yes, Tohma did like to smile at him in an uncharacteristic way or whisper to him in a mesmerizing voice that left Eiri aching for something he couldn't name, but there had never, NEVER been any hint to a relationship involving more than those occasional things.

He'd thought about it.

Over and over, he'd thought about it.

When he was alone in his room or at school in the corner desk, undisturbed and free to contemplate, he'd thought about it.

And, the funny thing was, he could not find anything wrong with the idea.

Sure, Tohma was going to marry his sister, but Mika would understand.

Wouldn't she?

Eiri knew she had to.

Mika was understanding and caring, though her sometimes spiteful attitude frightened those around her, but Eiri thought she had a right to be spiteful when the occasion arose because she was a woman. It didn't bother him, anyway.

Out of everyone in his immediate family, Eiri loved his sister the most. His brother remained eternally annoying, the complete opposite of Mika's understanding personality, and his father was...well, his father. He was too wrapped up in his religious idoticy and still mourning the death of his wife to care. Eiri knew he could have fallen off the face of the planet and his father wouldn't have noticed or even sympathized the loss of his eldest son.

He shyly glanced at the woman driving, unable to stop from frowning.

Eiri almost felt...guilty.

Almost.

He couldn't believe the ideas surfacing in his head, but some part of him liked the prospect of Tohma sauntering towards him with that distinctive swagger of his and grabbing him, assaulting him with his mouth.

Eiri ran his tongue along the back of his teeth.

He wondered what Tohma would taste like.

He'd spent many sleepless nights thinking about it, writing about it, obsessing over it.

Oh, the things his brains had concocted.

At first, Tohma had been like vanilla, smooth and creamy with the slightest hint of the prowess Eiri knew he had, but then, as he'd slowly driven himself insane with the thought, it had altered.

It had become...erotic.

Tohma was pure fire.

It would begin slowly, his taste, flooding Eiri's mouth like a tumultuous tsunami, and then it would drown him in merciless bliss, the hot dampness of his tongue and lips upon his own divinely wanton.

Eiri clenched his teeth and closed his eyes, controlling his breathing with a quick intake of breath so as not to alarm his sister.

He shouldn't be thinking thoughts so dangerous in close proximity of the fiancé of his...obsession.

When he'd read over the ridiculous non-sense he'd written that time, Eiri remembered what had happened, could distinctly recall the flavor of the pillow in his mouth, between his teeth as he'd relieved himself with several jerks of his hand. He imagined the way that tiny voice in his head had repeated the other's name, never ceasing in its attempt to destroy him.

Tohma, Tohma, Tohma!

He'd moved his hand faster, burning his skin, squeezing his eyes shut.

TOHMA...

He'd moaned into the fluff against his mouth.

TOH...MA...

He'd screamed...

"What are you thinking about, Eiri-kun?"

His sister's voice pulled him from the memory of self-inflicted orgasm, a light blush spreading across his face.

"Oh -uh- nothing." He looked at his lap. "W-why do you ask?"

Mika laughed.

"No particular reason. You just seemed...intense."

If only you knew, Mikarin. If only you knew...

"I was just wondering what I was going to be doing when we got to Tokyo. I...I know that both you and Tohma-san are very busy and-"

"Don't be silly, Eiri! We're not going to leave you alone the entire time." Mika began to ramble about the trips and other "fun" things she had planned, and Eiri only sunk further into his seat, wishing he could have somehow been somewhere else, someone else with an easier life.

Everything in the world seemed to be against him, and sometimes...

Sometimes, Eiri just wanted to disappear.

Eventually, the car grew quiet again, the sound of the engine and hum of the tires upon asphalt the only noise breaking the silence. Eiri stared out the window and continued to think.

Perhaps he was too naive to believe such things about Tohma. He didn't know any better, anyway...not really.

Eiri knew what he, himself, was capable of. Thanks to a certain Kitazawa Yuki in America, he knew all the secrets people tried to hide.

But...

He was messed up because of it, too.

Irrational thoughts occupied his mind every hour of every day, and sometimes, Eiri couldn't stop himself from thinking those terrible things he tried so hard to forget.

He remembered, with amazing detail, the advances his sensei made when Tohma wasn't around. He didn't like to recall how his fingers would feel sliding through his hair and down the back of his neck, how hot his breath on the flesh of his ear.

Yet, something sparked the curiosity in him.

Slowly, Eiri began to wonder what it all meant, but he could never find the courage to ask or tell Tohma about it. Tohma had been so tired, anyway. Eiri hadn't wanted to burden him with such a juvenile topic, and therefore, had kept quiet.

He shouldn't have, though.

God, he knew he shouldn't have.

But, he did because he was the good little boy who ALWAYS listened.

Then, oddly, Yuki wasn't touching him anymore or whispering to him, and Eiri, the innocent boy he had been, had began initiating the contact between them, still inquisitive, still clueless. His smile was a dead give-a-way.

Still, Yuki did nothing.

Eiri lost his confidence, then, and tried to spend as much time with Tohma as he could, instead. He even went to work with him once, but with the attention he'd received from crooning secretaries on every floor, Eiri decided to never do it again.

So, he went back to those lonely, lesson-filled days with Yuki, and as time passed, his nervousness grew.

It got so bad that he eventually stopped sleeping, and it was during those sleepless nights that Eiri finally took his writing ability seriously.

He'd always done it as a hobby, a way to express himself or pass the time, but he'd discovered the convenience of Tohma's laptop, and he hadn't been able to stop. His fingers had flown across the keys as though their place had always been upon the keyboard, and Eiri had typed page after page, pouring his emotions, his fear, his aspiration into the swarming words.

A week passed, and the document grew longer.

His sensei contributed to the insomnia-inspired project, too.

Eiri had no other way to express the anxiety he felt.

Yuki made an advance that had both frightened and excited Eiri to the extent he almost told Tohma.

But, he'd remained as quiet as ever after Yuki had hushed him, desperate to experience more, to know the love he had been denied, to have his questions answered...no matter the consequences.

Yuki promised him that...and so much more.

"You're so cute, Eiri. So cute."

Like so many times before, Eiri had believed him, and when Yuki finally had him pressed up against the wall one dreary day when Tohma had worked late, his lips fastened to his own, Eiri's boyish soul died.

He now knew what everything meant.

He was not ignorant anymore.

Maybe he truly hadn't been in the first place...

And, as he had stood there, allowing his teacher, the man he trusted second most in the world, to toy with him, tease him as though he wasn't anyone "special" to him, tears fell freely down his face.

Eiri felt used.

Worse than that, he knew, knew deeply in his breaking heart, that he WAS being used.

Being used...

By the man who was supposed to love him...

Tohma save me...

But, Tohma wasn't there.

He was NEVER there.

Yuki only continued to play with him, taking his silence for compliance, and over those months that followed, the combined mixture of quiet abuse broke Eiri's innocence into a deadly vise of cold emotion.

He wrote more, talked less.

His skin grew pale, sheet white.

His thinness evaporated into skin and bones.

His hair lost that golden sheen he was loved so much for.

"You're so cute, Eiri. So cute."

He hated those words.

He hated Yuki for saying them every time.

He hated Tohma for not saving him.

But...

He couldn't really hate Tohma...

Instead, Eiri cried at night, in his sleep, in the bathroom huddled in a corner, alone and miserable.

No one cared...

No one...

Tohma was worked too hard to really spend time with him, anymore. He rarely acknowledged him, too.

That made Eiri-

"We're here, Eiri-kun!" Mika announced rather abruptly, the brakes slamming as she swerved into a designated parking spot and turned the car off.

Eiri quickly rubbed his hand over his face to rid himself of the tears.

He could still feel his eyes burning.

"That was quick," he replied conversationally, gathering the books in his lap into his arms. "Do you think..." He was almost afraid to ask. "Do you think Tohma-san is home?"

Mika glanced at him from beneath a silky wave of chestnut hair, but Eiri could not read the expression on her face.

His sister was the enigma of his life.

"Perhaps," she murmured after a moment, opening the driver side door to step out. "Come. I'll help you carry your things inside."

Obediently, he obeyed. It was a contradiction inside himself, though.

He wanted to listen to Mika; he loved her.

But, he'd learned not to pay attention. Of course, his notice of detail was inevitable, he thought himself an aspiring writer, after all, but he disliked authority, hated it.

Hated it like Kitazawa.

Sensei...

"Eiri!" Mika, one suitcase in hand, turned around, tresses of her hair caressing the side of her face and neck, her clothes elegant upon her petite body.

A BEAUTIFUL enigma, his sister...

"I'm coming," he answered, tugging at the bag wedged between his seat and the floor.

It harbored his most precious possession- his writing.

Eiri scrambled from the car, long limps flying gracefully after his sibling. His smile was bright, the sun filtering through blonde now a searing gold.

His laugh echoed above the noise of the city, causing Mika to smile as they moved together.

Neither noticed the shadowed figure in the window above drawing away from finger-parted blinds.

- - - - -

Tohma had argued with Mika the moment she'd brought it up.

"No. Absolutely not."

He was calm, demure.

"Why not?" She glanced at him from her position on the couch. "I thought you would have wanted to see him."

How to answer her and not sound obvious?

Poor Mika...

"I...I do," Tohma answered, taking a breath and smiling. "But wouldn't it be too inconvenient for everyone? What about your father?"

There...

Safe...

"My father?" She appeared angry and stood, the hem of her flowered skirt sliding around her knees. "My father doesn't give a damn-"

"Mika!"

She scowled.

"It's true. It's true and you know it." An accusing finger pointed at him. "What has he ever done for any of us...especially Eiri?"

Eiri...

Lovable...

Gorgeous...

T ortured...

Eiri...

"How am I supposed to answer that?" Tohma entered into the debate with the analytical mind he had been born with, but in the end, he knew he would lose. "He's your father, Mika."

"But you know! You've seen how miserable Eiri is staying there. Tohma..."

Not that...

Please...

Not that...

Don't look at me...like that...

"Tohma...please?" Her eyes were wide, shining an indescribable blue, a blue that reminded him of...

No...

Don't think about HIM...

"I-"

He was giving in.

He could feel the solid barrier of his conscience shattering into jagged edges capable of piercing his heart.

"Do what you want."

Mika smiled like he had just given her the most wonderful gift in the world.

Tohma died a little on the inside because of it.

Like that, he'd given in, and now, he sat behind his synth, repeatedly smacking his head against it.

Stupid!

He hit his head again.

Stupid! Stupid!

Twice more he abused his skull, and it still didn't faze him.

How could he have just surrendered like that?

"Do what you want."

Dammit...

That's not what he'd wanted to say. Not at all.

It wasn't that he didn't WANT to see Eiri. Oh, God, did he NEED to, but he just...couldn't.

Tohma didn't have the will to say no when it came to matters concerning Eiri.

Eiri...

He loved Eiri.

He wanted Eiri in a terrible, terrible way.

Terrible...

Forgive me.

Please...

"I love you," he whispered against the sleeve of his arm, his head spinning, his eyes glazed with unspilt tears. "I love you, and I'm not supposed to."

Not supposed to...

Like the dream that haunted him.

IN the dream that haunted him.

There had been others, too.

Many, many others.

But, none had been as prominent as…that.

His words…

The taste of his seemingly virginal mouth…

A shiver ran up Tohma's spine, and he hugged himself tightly, afraid that if he surrendered, his fall would shake the earth.

He had already ran out of words to describe himself.

Pedophile, boy-lover, pervert…

They were heavily over-used, over-rated…

Tohma was…ill-hearted.

He tried to remind himself that he loved his wife, had married her because of love and not an arrangement, but he knew he was only lying.

Lying and murdering his soul.

He should have been locked up, beaten, tortured.

He didn't deserve anything he had, much less Mika or…

No.

NO!

He didn't want to think about…

"Eiri." His voice came out mournful, in a moan.

Tohma was already lost to the imaginative world ruled by Eiri and only Eiri before he realized it.

"Eiri…" He hissed.

Dammit.

His fingers were trembling as he reached for the zipper to relieve the pressure on his groin. It was loud amidst the silence as he slid it open, his breathing heavy and labored, harsh, scratchy.

Must…

"God!" His hand was chilling upon the burning flesh of his cock, those digits his anguishing prison, a thankful relief.

Never…

He flicked his wrist, drawing his hand down in a familiar rhythm he'd grown used to in the bathroom, alone with those horrid, arousing images.

Even lying in bed with his wife beside him, sleeping peacefully…

And now, here, near his instrument…

His beloved instrument…

His beloved Eiri…

Tohma tried to imagine Eiri's mouth engulfing him, helping to extinguish that flaming heat in his blood, but his senses wouldn't play along.

Touch…

Tohma growled low in his throat, his other hand brushing the edge of his lips. He drew those shaking fingers into his mouth and sucked, wrapping his tongue around them, imagining.

Saliva slid down his chin.

His hand clenched tighter, moved faster.

The seat he sat upon swayed.

His hips jerked, his body twitching.

He shuddered.

Air caught in his throat.

Eiri…

"Eiri." Tohma felt himself sob around the fingers in his mouth, heard the muffled, begging sounds, felt liquid heat soaking into his cheeks.

Must never touch...

His back arched into a perfect arch, blonde hair falling to caress his tense, slender neck, and Tohma experienced a moment of pure silence before his orgasm peaked into a rainbow of shining stars.

He screamed, cried out in blissful agony, screeched and howled like a dying animal, something that wasn't him, Seguchi Tohma.

Not Seguchi Tohma.

Not...

Anything...

Tohma found himself unable to breathe afterwards, the warmed coolness of the splattered cum on the floor soaking into his socks, and he took his hands from his body, from his mouth and spent penis, shivering and angry and sick to his stomach all at once.

Dirty...

So...

Then, he found himself frantically rubbing his face with soiled fingers, spit, tears, and semen mingling together.

Tohma tried to wash it away, erase everything.

A dream...

Had to be a...

Dream.

He blinked and still found himself slouched before his keyboard, clothes awry, hair mussed, the distinct smell of solitary sex wafting around him. Tohma slowly slipped to the floor, his pants undone, his clothes absorbing the puddle of cum from his own body.

He pressed his palms against his eyes and cried.

He was so pitiful, so dishonorable to the values he used to respect, to the woman he was supposed to cherish...to the boy he loved.

"Oh, God, Eiri," he sobbed, staining his face with hated tears. "I don't mean to do this. I-I don't mean to. I can't help it...c-can't help it..."

It was the only excuse he could give, and it was a poor one.

Yet, he didn't know what else to say.

He was like a frightened child, not a man, but there was still no forgiveness for him.

"I'm sorry..."

No one was there to hear his confession, and Tohma continued to sit amidst his uncleanliness, knees drawn up, arms embracing himself. He would sob every now and then, waiting for his punishment to end, but he knew that it never would. He would die harboring the emotions for Eiri he was supposed to feel for his fiancé, and when he was to be judged before whatever had seen fit to make him, there would be no cease to the relentless torment of having Eiri only a hand's length away...for eternity.

Just once, he wanted to hold him, kiss him...

Oh, God, make love to him...

But he couldn't...

Not ever...

Time passed without Tohma's conscious reckoning, minutes easily slipping into hours, and he couldn't remember if the squeal of tires had been part of his imagination or not, but he found himself on his feet, the window calling to him as he walked toward it.

Were they here?

Was Eiri...

Tohma parted the blinds with his fingers, and he stopped breathing, his heart refusing to work.

Eiri's figure ran after Mika, his hair a blazing ring of gold.

Oh, God...

Oh, God...

What was he going to do now?

TBC-

A/N: For those that are curious, Alone in Eden is going to be a total of 11 parts. Thank you for reading!