Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ History Repeating ❯ Chapter 4 ( Chapter 4 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Gravity-Of-Love 
Shuichi's POV.
Anime/Manga: Gravitation Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Angst | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 06.14.2006 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.2K | Visits: 288 | Status: Work In Progress
Shuichi's POV.
Anime/Manga: Gravitation Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Angst | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 06.14.2006 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.2K | Visits: 288 | Status: Work In Progress
Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Hope you like this chapter.
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Chapter Four
Shuichi (POV)
The alarm clock near my ear jolted me out of a deep sleep. I blindly lift my hand and whack the off button, savouring the silence that descends upon the place. I try to go back to sleep, but I suddenly feel sick, my mouth filling up with warm saliva.
Jumping out of bed, I wince as my head pounds. I just about make it to the bathroom, falling to my knees and puking, the toilet filling with blood. I grimace, this has been happening a lot lately. I haven’t told anyone. I figure it’s just stress, and I seem to be under stress a lot lately.
Standing up, my stomach feeling like it’s on fire, I pull the flush, and strip off my clothes, getting into the shower. The warm water wakes me up, soothing my aching muscles.
When I’m dressed and drinking my second cup of coffee, I remember what happened yesterday. I can’t believe Yuki’s back. I must have seemed like a baka, but I really didn’t know how to handle it, I was glad Tohma was there. I know I’ve become good at concealing my emotions, but last night they played across my face like a television.
I wonder what Yuki thought about Tohma and I being so close. Knowing him, he probably thought we were lovers. But that might be a good thing, hopefully he will stay away from me. Oh kami-sama what am I saying, I know I want to see him again…but I have to be strong, I can’t let him into my life again…it’s just too hard.
As I walk to NG, my mind wanders to Yuki again. He looked good, it’s like he hasn’t aged at all. I was more than surprised to see him wearing jeans and a t-shirt, he looked more than hot. I still love him, but I don’t know if I can let him into my heart again. I don’t think I would survive if my heart was broken again.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about Quinn, about how he betrayed me and how I killed him. At night the dreams are the worst, there’s always so much blood. All around me, puddles of warm blood. Blood dripping down my face, filling my mouth. I always wake up screaming most nights. Sometimes I want to go to America, back to where it happened. Maybe it would help me, or screw me up even more.
Stopping suddenly, my hand grips my stomach. The pain seems to be getting worse, always in my stomach, sometimes shooting pains in my side. A copper taste fills my mouth, and a few drops of blood drip on to the pavement.
To be honest, I’m not really that worried. My life’s full of shit anyway, what else could go wrong? Spitting out the blood, I breathe through the pain, until it slowly fades, then continue walking. I stop thinking about my past and Yuki. I need to keep my mind on other things, so I think about the song I’m working on. My lyrics have become more depressing. I used to always be able to write happy ones, but when I got my inspiration back, I could only write dark, depressing ones.
It was Tohma who helped me get my inspiration back. He is the one who saved me. I can’t tell you how much I owe him. I know I should tell him about all the blood I seem to be coughing up, but I’m already a burden to him. If I need him, he drops whatever he’s doing to help me. Mika has been really understanding, and she helps as much as possible, but if I was her, I would be pissed at Tohma for always being here for me. It’s my fault that he neglects her, I guess maybe I should try and get myself sorted. Tohma has his own life, I can’t expect him to always be there for me, even though he would be, no matter what.
But I know it’s going to be hard. I don’t want to be alone again. I know Hiro’s eager for me to talk to him, but I can’t share my secrets with him. I know it’s putting a strain on our friendship.
He and Ayaka are having a party tomorrow, they’re getting married soon. I know Hiro’s making a mistake. He deserves more than what she can give him, she’s a bitch. All she cares about is Yuki, and I think she likes me, she always seems to flirt with me when Hiro’s not around. I smile evilly, maybe I can finally show Hiro what a slut she is.
I know Fujisaki is in love with Hiro, and Hiro… well, I think he likes Fujisaki, but I know he’s afraid. He’s in denial, he doesn’t want to admit that he’s gay. That’s why he’s marrying that bitch. But hopefully I can do something about that.
With the evil smile still in place, I enter NG and make my way up to Bad Luck’s studio.
--
After working for the past eight hours, I feel exhausted. Hiro made me promise to be at his party tomorrow. I know he’s just trying to make sure I’m still a part of his life, and I want to be a part of his life. I’ve been thinking, maybe I should tell him about what happened to me, maybe it would help, unless it makes him afraid of me.
I guess I have to think about it. The only person who would understand is Yuki, he is after all the same as me. But do I want to be vulnerable to him? Why is it when I think to much, the pain flares through my stomach? Maybe it’s a sign, telling me something. What? I have no idea.
As I walk home, I detour to the park, and sit on a bench. I don’t know why I always come here, am I torturing myself? I can’t explain it, but this place pulls me here. I light a cigarette, and feel my stomach protest as I take a drag, but I ignore it.
I feel eyes on me, and before I know it, Yuki is sitting beside me. His familiar smell of cigarettes and his cologne makes my heart accelerate. But I don’t allow any emotions to show on my face. After putting out my cigarette, I finally turn to face him, only to find him staring at me intently. The emotion in his eyes is almost overwhelming.
“How are you?” He asks.
Okay, so he wants to have a normal conversation. I can do that, I hope.
“I’m fine…you?”
“Yeah, I’m fine too…” He pauses, looking a little uncomfortable.
I guess this is really hard for him. Like I said before, now that I know what it’s like, I don’t blame him for leaving like he did. I think maybe I would have done the same.
“You don’t have to apologise you know, I understand.”
“What?” He asks.
“About leaving me…I understand. I don’t blame you.”The relief on his face is more than overwhelming, and if I’m not mistaken there are tears in his eyes. I have an urge to tell him what happened to me. I really want to share it with someone who has been there, someone who will understand, but something is stopping me.
“Shuichi, I…love you.”I freeze at that. What the fuck is he saying? I might have said I don’t blame him, but I don’t think I can go back to what we had before. Yeah, I still love him, but I don’t know if I can let him into my life again.
“Yuki, I may not blame you for leaving me, but I can’t forgive you. I don’t think telling me you love me is a good idea…” As he opens his mouth to say something, I hold up my hand to stop him. “I expect Tohma told you everything that happened to me while you were gone. Well, everything except what happened in America. He probably told you I wont let anyone into my life, and he’s right… I can’t let anyone into my life.”
I stand up, pain once again flaring to life in my stomach, but I keep my face expressionless. Before walking away, I turn to look at him.
“Do you know…I think I would have preferred for you to cheat on me then leave me. At least then, I would have known where you were.”
I walk away, and don’t look back. Truthfully, I didn’t mean a word of what I said, but I don’t want to be vulnerable again. I wish I had the guts. I want more than anything to have him back in my life again. But by saying that to him, hopefully he will stay away from me. As I walk home, I find tears making there way down my cheeks.
--
After my talk with Yuki, I went home and drank through the contents of my fridge. Tohma found me sprawled on the floor, unconscious… that’s what he told me anyway. Apparently Yuki had been to see him, and he was rather upset.
That made me feel guilty. I take the mug of coffee from Tohma. He sits next to me, his face clouded with concern.
“You know I didn’t mean what I said to him, I do still love him.” I say quietly.
“I know.” He answers quietly.
“I’ve been thinking…I want to go back to America.”He looks at me curiously, and frowns.
“Why?”
I shrug. “I don’t know, but maybe it would help. It’s just something I need to do.”He remains silent for a moment. Before he can say anything, his cell phone rings. I drown out his voice as he speaks with Mika. She has been more than understanding, but, like I said I still feel guilty about taking Tohma away from her at all hours. I have sort my act out. Tohma has his own life, he can’t worry about me for the rest of my life.
I turn my head to find him looking at me, and I know he can tell what I’m thinking. We’ve had this conversation a lot. He always says he doesn’t mind, but come on… how much can one person take before they snap?
“Tohma, go home to your wife. I’m fine.”He just nods, and gets up. He knows arguing with me is useless.
“When you want to go to America, let me know. I’ll sort it out.”I just smile at him, but I know if I do decide to go, I will do it by myself. I think deep down, I know I won’t be coming back. I don’t like the way my life has gone, and I can’t see it ever getting any better. I think it would be best for everyone if I wasn’t here. Plus, the guilt I feel for killing Quinn is eating away at me. I know it’s not all my fault, Quinn pushed me into a corner, and I just defended myself. But I should have been able to control my temper. If I would have just hit him once to knock him out, I probably wouldn’t be in this situation now.
After drinking the rest of my coffee, I head to bed. Hiro’s party is tomorrow. I know what to do. I have to show Hiro that Ayaka’s not good enough for him, and that he would be happier with the one he loves.
I have to sort everyone’s life out first, before I can leave.
--
Thanks for reading, and please review to let me know what you think.
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Chapter Four
Shuichi (POV)
The alarm clock near my ear jolted me out of a deep sleep. I blindly lift my hand and whack the off button, savouring the silence that descends upon the place. I try to go back to sleep, but I suddenly feel sick, my mouth filling up with warm saliva.
Jumping out of bed, I wince as my head pounds. I just about make it to the bathroom, falling to my knees and puking, the toilet filling with blood. I grimace, this has been happening a lot lately. I haven’t told anyone. I figure it’s just stress, and I seem to be under stress a lot lately.
Standing up, my stomach feeling like it’s on fire, I pull the flush, and strip off my clothes, getting into the shower. The warm water wakes me up, soothing my aching muscles.
When I’m dressed and drinking my second cup of coffee, I remember what happened yesterday. I can’t believe Yuki’s back. I must have seemed like a baka, but I really didn’t know how to handle it, I was glad Tohma was there. I know I’ve become good at concealing my emotions, but last night they played across my face like a television.
I wonder what Yuki thought about Tohma and I being so close. Knowing him, he probably thought we were lovers. But that might be a good thing, hopefully he will stay away from me. Oh kami-sama what am I saying, I know I want to see him again…but I have to be strong, I can’t let him into my life again…it’s just too hard.
As I walk to NG, my mind wanders to Yuki again. He looked good, it’s like he hasn’t aged at all. I was more than surprised to see him wearing jeans and a t-shirt, he looked more than hot. I still love him, but I don’t know if I can let him into my heart again. I don’t think I would survive if my heart was broken again.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about Quinn, about how he betrayed me and how I killed him. At night the dreams are the worst, there’s always so much blood. All around me, puddles of warm blood. Blood dripping down my face, filling my mouth. I always wake up screaming most nights. Sometimes I want to go to America, back to where it happened. Maybe it would help me, or screw me up even more.
Stopping suddenly, my hand grips my stomach. The pain seems to be getting worse, always in my stomach, sometimes shooting pains in my side. A copper taste fills my mouth, and a few drops of blood drip on to the pavement.
To be honest, I’m not really that worried. My life’s full of shit anyway, what else could go wrong? Spitting out the blood, I breathe through the pain, until it slowly fades, then continue walking. I stop thinking about my past and Yuki. I need to keep my mind on other things, so I think about the song I’m working on. My lyrics have become more depressing. I used to always be able to write happy ones, but when I got my inspiration back, I could only write dark, depressing ones.
It was Tohma who helped me get my inspiration back. He is the one who saved me. I can’t tell you how much I owe him. I know I should tell him about all the blood I seem to be coughing up, but I’m already a burden to him. If I need him, he drops whatever he’s doing to help me. Mika has been really understanding, and she helps as much as possible, but if I was her, I would be pissed at Tohma for always being here for me. It’s my fault that he neglects her, I guess maybe I should try and get myself sorted. Tohma has his own life, I can’t expect him to always be there for me, even though he would be, no matter what.
But I know it’s going to be hard. I don’t want to be alone again. I know Hiro’s eager for me to talk to him, but I can’t share my secrets with him. I know it’s putting a strain on our friendship.
He and Ayaka are having a party tomorrow, they’re getting married soon. I know Hiro’s making a mistake. He deserves more than what she can give him, she’s a bitch. All she cares about is Yuki, and I think she likes me, she always seems to flirt with me when Hiro’s not around. I smile evilly, maybe I can finally show Hiro what a slut she is.
I know Fujisaki is in love with Hiro, and Hiro… well, I think he likes Fujisaki, but I know he’s afraid. He’s in denial, he doesn’t want to admit that he’s gay. That’s why he’s marrying that bitch. But hopefully I can do something about that.
With the evil smile still in place, I enter NG and make my way up to Bad Luck’s studio.
--
After working for the past eight hours, I feel exhausted. Hiro made me promise to be at his party tomorrow. I know he’s just trying to make sure I’m still a part of his life, and I want to be a part of his life. I’ve been thinking, maybe I should tell him about what happened to me, maybe it would help, unless it makes him afraid of me.
I guess I have to think about it. The only person who would understand is Yuki, he is after all the same as me. But do I want to be vulnerable to him? Why is it when I think to much, the pain flares through my stomach? Maybe it’s a sign, telling me something. What? I have no idea.
As I walk home, I detour to the park, and sit on a bench. I don’t know why I always come here, am I torturing myself? I can’t explain it, but this place pulls me here. I light a cigarette, and feel my stomach protest as I take a drag, but I ignore it.
I feel eyes on me, and before I know it, Yuki is sitting beside me. His familiar smell of cigarettes and his cologne makes my heart accelerate. But I don’t allow any emotions to show on my face. After putting out my cigarette, I finally turn to face him, only to find him staring at me intently. The emotion in his eyes is almost overwhelming.
“How are you?” He asks.
Okay, so he wants to have a normal conversation. I can do that, I hope.
“I’m fine…you?”
“Yeah, I’m fine too…” He pauses, looking a little uncomfortable.
I guess this is really hard for him. Like I said before, now that I know what it’s like, I don’t blame him for leaving like he did. I think maybe I would have done the same.
“You don’t have to apologise you know, I understand.”
“What?” He asks.
“About leaving me…I understand. I don’t blame you.”The relief on his face is more than overwhelming, and if I’m not mistaken there are tears in his eyes. I have an urge to tell him what happened to me. I really want to share it with someone who has been there, someone who will understand, but something is stopping me.
“Shuichi, I…love you.”I freeze at that. What the fuck is he saying? I might have said I don’t blame him, but I don’t think I can go back to what we had before. Yeah, I still love him, but I don’t know if I can let him into my life again.
“Yuki, I may not blame you for leaving me, but I can’t forgive you. I don’t think telling me you love me is a good idea…” As he opens his mouth to say something, I hold up my hand to stop him. “I expect Tohma told you everything that happened to me while you were gone. Well, everything except what happened in America. He probably told you I wont let anyone into my life, and he’s right… I can’t let anyone into my life.”
I stand up, pain once again flaring to life in my stomach, but I keep my face expressionless. Before walking away, I turn to look at him.
“Do you know…I think I would have preferred for you to cheat on me then leave me. At least then, I would have known where you were.”
I walk away, and don’t look back. Truthfully, I didn’t mean a word of what I said, but I don’t want to be vulnerable again. I wish I had the guts. I want more than anything to have him back in my life again. But by saying that to him, hopefully he will stay away from me. As I walk home, I find tears making there way down my cheeks.
--
After my talk with Yuki, I went home and drank through the contents of my fridge. Tohma found me sprawled on the floor, unconscious… that’s what he told me anyway. Apparently Yuki had been to see him, and he was rather upset.
That made me feel guilty. I take the mug of coffee from Tohma. He sits next to me, his face clouded with concern.
“You know I didn’t mean what I said to him, I do still love him.” I say quietly.
“I know.” He answers quietly.
“I’ve been thinking…I want to go back to America.”He looks at me curiously, and frowns.
“Why?”
I shrug. “I don’t know, but maybe it would help. It’s just something I need to do.”He remains silent for a moment. Before he can say anything, his cell phone rings. I drown out his voice as he speaks with Mika. She has been more than understanding, but, like I said I still feel guilty about taking Tohma away from her at all hours. I have sort my act out. Tohma has his own life, he can’t worry about me for the rest of my life.
I turn my head to find him looking at me, and I know he can tell what I’m thinking. We’ve had this conversation a lot. He always says he doesn’t mind, but come on… how much can one person take before they snap?
“Tohma, go home to your wife. I’m fine.”He just nods, and gets up. He knows arguing with me is useless.
“When you want to go to America, let me know. I’ll sort it out.”I just smile at him, but I know if I do decide to go, I will do it by myself. I think deep down, I know I won’t be coming back. I don’t like the way my life has gone, and I can’t see it ever getting any better. I think it would be best for everyone if I wasn’t here. Plus, the guilt I feel for killing Quinn is eating away at me. I know it’s not all my fault, Quinn pushed me into a corner, and I just defended myself. But I should have been able to control my temper. If I would have just hit him once to knock him out, I probably wouldn’t be in this situation now.
After drinking the rest of my coffee, I head to bed. Hiro’s party is tomorrow. I know what to do. I have to show Hiro that Ayaka’s not good enough for him, and that he would be happier with the one he loves.
I have to sort everyone’s life out first, before I can leave.
--
Thanks for reading, and please review to let me know what you think.