Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ On the Outside ❯ Chapter Five ( Chapter 5 )

My brother has a weird boyfriend.

Shuuichi has a calendar marked 'top secret!! touch on pain of death!!' followed by about half a dozen smiley faces and little pink hearts. I had to wonder who the hell he was trying to intimidate.

Really. A calendar. Not a journal. Not a diary. Not some food shoved in the back of the fridge he wants to save on his own. Nope. Shuuichi has a calendar. I discovered this while he was working the morning after my hangover fiasco and having to be dragged home by Ryuuichi. The nice thing to do would have to put it back where it belonged, shoved in the back of a closet, beneath a pile of rotted old clothes and underneath a brick. But really, if he didn't want people to look at his personal things, he just shouldn't leave them lying around like that.

Heh.

So I peeked. And you know what it is? A calendar marking the days of he and Eiri's relationship. There are some days with little hearts on them. Some days with evil faces. I can only assume those are 'grumpy Yuki' days. And then there are some that are filled completely with smiley faces and hearts. I don't want to know what those days are.

I flipped through it out of curiosity. Turns out, it'll be a full year in another month. Sweet. Sweet if you like to gag to death, of course.

I put it back where it belonged and didn't really think much of it until the night of the concert.

Ryuuichi had mentioned it to me at the cafe, just not in great detail. It was some free concert thing to raise money. Didn't really hear what kind of charity it was for. I had gone in with Shuuichi that morning to the studio so they could do their practice before the show, and even there nobody could tell me much. It was hard to with K-san running around with that, 'Hah hah! Publicity!' schpiel of his. ... which is combined with numerous guns and demanding Shuuichi get the lyrics right or die.

But anyway.

I was standing in the kitchen over the stove. Eiri could cook, but he seemed to think a proper meal was composed of a few crackers and a glass of water. And Shuuichi... Shuuichi thinks burnt to a crisp is just slightly well done. So I had naturally gotten myself into a position where I was doing all the cooking. I didn't mind so much. I like cooking. It's kind of calming to me. Keeps my mind distracted from my usual perverted thoughts, hey?

Eiri, would wonders never cease, had come out from the black hole of existence, otherwise known as his study. Shuuichi was standing in front of him looking pathetic. Poor kid. Dressed completely in his concert gear and having to stand there in front of his boyfriend and convince him to do something he didn't want.

That was all Shuuichi had come back from the studio for. To convince Eiri to come to the show. He should have stayed to practice more, but he had sworn up and down that he would be back in an hour at the most. I had come along with him. My plan was to get some dinner out of the trip. Listening to him whine at Eiri was just an added bonus.

"Yu~ki~!" That was his argument. Pretty good, huh?

Eiri just sat there, cigarette hanging out the side of his mouth, saying nothing.

I started to wonder about the calendar. A year in a month. And Shuuichi still had to convince Eiri to come to the shows? I thought it had a whole lot more to do with Eiri enjoying watching Shuuichi squirm and then surprise him when he did show up. No matter how many times he did, it still delighted Shuuichi more than anything.

I don't know. I've never claimed to understand the mating habits of psychos.

"Please, please, please, please! Tatsuha is going to come!"

I hummed cheerfully over the stove. Mm-mm, stir fry. Makes you forget people talking about you as if you weren't five yards from them.

"So take him as your date," Eiri intoned.

Oh hell no.

"Yuki~!"

Eiri sighed, rolled his eyes, tapped out the ash of his cigarette. I was beginning to wonder if he was just doing this to jerk Shuuichi's chain or if he seriously didn't want to go. Social stuff really isn't his thing. Social stuff that involves screaming girls and guys alike was far worse.

"Dinner's done," I announced. "You eating, Shuuichi?"

"Nah," he said, a bit dejectedly, "I don't eat before a show."

"He threw up on stage once," Eiri said. He took the plate I held out to him and sat down at the table. "So now he never eats."

Shuuichi turned a very amusing shade of flaming red. "It was just the one time! I wasn't feeling very good..."

That would have been hilarious to see. I was kind of sorry I had missed it.

I piled up my own plate and joined Eiri at the table. I, on the other hand, can eat five million and one things and never get sick unless drunk, in classic teenager fashion. Drinking made all previous rules about the endless capacity of a teenager's stomach null. Particularly when we're talking nasty scrambled eggs and alcohol, I'd learned.

"You're still going to come, right, Tatsuha?" Shuuichi asked me.

I nodded. "Yeah, sure. Why the heck would I wanna stay cooped up with Eiri anyway?"

Eiri wasn't insulted. He wouldn't be. He just kept on eating, ignoring the two of us.

"You can come back stage after the show, if you want." Shuuichi really seemed to like the idea of having someone around that he could drag around to share his whole musical career with. Come to think of it, it wasn't all that surprising. The friends he had were the people he worked with and the other guys in Bad Luck. He didn't really have any normal friends like from high school, not that I knew of, anyway. I guess I was the closest he had.

Didn't really have the heart to tell him I was more going for the sake of seeing Ryuuichi. It's not that it was the only reason I was going. It was just a big part of it.

"Sure," I said. I grinned back at him.

I finished up eating and dumped my dishes in the sink. I glanced at the clock, not really knowing why, but it was probably a good thing I did.

"Hey, Shuuichi. Didn't Sakano-san ask you to be back at seven? It starts at eight."

If his jaw could have done it, it would have unhinged itself and dropped to the floor when his eyes fell to clock. Seven twenty. Not too late, but late all the same.

"Oh crap, crap, crap, crap! I gotta go!"

"You go ahead," I said. "I'll meet you there."

"Okay, okay. Crap, crap, crap! See you!"

He zoomed out the door at the speed of light. Eiri and I blinked after him. After a second or two, I shook my head and smiled.

"Got yourself quite the weirdo there, big bro."

"You don't have to tell me that." He sighed a little as he brought over his own plate to the sink. I watched him as he moved. He seemed to be out of sorts. I couldn't really tell what was wrong. Tired, maybe, I figured. Probably he was pulling his usual all-nighters to meet a deadline.

"So you're not going to go?" I asked. I turned on the faucet and started scrubbing the dishes.

He lit up another cigarette. "Maybe."

"You could at least gimme a ride."

"Maybe," he said again. I'd've strangled him if he hadn't looked as drained as he did.

I decided to go for light-hearted. "You could always give me the keys to your car."

"Like hell."

I grinned.

I watched him from the corner of his eye as I set my cleaned plates aside to scrub his. He went over to the medicine cabinet and started to root around in it, looking for something. There were about ten of those prescription bottles -- the orange colored ones with the white labels. I wondered how many of them he was taking.

He took out a bottle of aspirin and popped a few pills in his mouth. As he turned toward me, I looked back down at the dishes. As if I had been watching something I shouldn't have seen. Big deal; he had a headache.

Okay. Truth? The prescription bottles did worry me.

"I can take the bus," I said. I started to dry the plates, but Eiri took the towel from me and did it himself.

"I'll take you," he said. He finished drying a plate and handed it to me. I took it and put it in its cabinet. It didn't take me long to get used to his kitchen. Days spent with nothing better to do I used to go lurking about the house, everywhere but his study. That would have resulted in death. But I knew everything else like the back of my own hand.

"You sure?" I asked. I tried not to sound concerned.

"Mm."

I let it go. Headache, that was all. Nothing to worry about.

I put away the dishes as he finished drying them and soon enough we were done. He went to get his keys to drive us. I didn't bother to ask if he was just going to drive me or come along with me to the show. Probably wouldn't have answered me anyway.

Ryuuichi had a nice ride, but I still drool at the sight of Eiri's car like I'm looking it for the first time. I've got a thing for black. Leather interior. A freaking awesome stereo system. I'd kill for a car like that.

Kill or become a country-wide famous author. Decisions.

Dad would never even think to consider getting me a car. Eiri bought his. Touma gave Mika hers as a gift -- anniversary or birthday or something, beats me. It's not like I need one. I can walk almost anywhere I need to go when it comes to Kyoto. Anywhere else, there are always cabs or buses or the subway. Besides, I'd probably just drool all over it if I had a car.

And it symbolized a kind of freedom I wasn't going to get. Not as long as I had to be the good son.

Eiri and I didn't talk as he drove through the congested streets, and I didn't mind it. He's not exactly Mr. Sunshine, and I'm not a person that needs to talk all of the time. I like quiet just as much as the next guy. But I like being loud and obnoxious just as much. It depends on my mood.

Parking was bloody hell at where the concert was being held, but we found a place after about thirty minutes of just circling around and around looking for somewhere. I wasn't surprised when Eiri killed the ignition and got out with me. I knew he had only been jerking Shuuichi's chain around a little. Maybe. Maybe it was that, or maybe the headache really was bothering him, but he didn't want to disappoint Shuuichi. Who knew. But I wasn't going to ask.

We squeezed through the usual horde of screaming fan girls to get inside. Shuuichi had already given me two tickets and some back stage passes for after the show. He said the extra was for Eiri, if he wanted to come. I handed them over to the guy taking tickets, took back the stubs, and shoved them into my pocket. Another stub for my wall o' stubs back home. About a third of those at Nittle Grasper, too.

Eiri just let me lead the way. Bright boy. I'd been to more of these things than him.

I nearly rammed into a girl I hadn't noticed as I pushed through the crowd. Instinct had me reaching out automatically to grasp her shoulders and keep her from falling.

"Geez, I'm sorry--" I started, and then stopped short.

"Ayaka-chan!"

Oooh, coincidence.

"Tatsuha-san." She sounded a little surprised, but at the same time, happy to see me. I think. She was smiling, so I figured that was a plus.

Same old Ayaka-chan.

"I should've figured you'd be here," I said. I tossed an arm around her shoulders. "Gotta come to see the boyfriend, huh?" Never let it be said I'll let an opportunity go by where I can tease somebody about their significant other. Really, where would my joy go if I didn't get my jollies somewhere?

She turned red, just like I expected her to. She was about to open her mouth, probably to give my ears a bruising, when Eiri pushed his way through the crowd and appeared beside us. Her expression changed completely. She just stared at him.

"Eiri-san..."

Hoo boy.

So. Truth or dare again. Truth? I like Ayaka-chan, I really do. But if one thing frustrates the hell out of me about her, it's that she's still hung up on Eiri. It seems like forever ago now, to me anyway. You'd think she would have gotten on, especially with a guy like Hiro head over heels for her. I guess old habits die hard. She grew up knowing she was going to marry this guy someday. She made this image of him in her head that he just hadn't fit into. It wasn't an easy thing to let yourself down from.

It almost made me think of Ryuuichi. Here was this guy I had never met, but always admired and even started to have a pathetic little crush on, and I had no idea who he really was.

But not like Ayaka-chan, Ryuuichi hadn't done anything to disappoint me yet.

Eiri nodded his head as his sign of greeting, which considering the considering the kind of guy he is, was quite a bit. He could have just ignored her, after all.

I didn't much want to have to look at her making googly eyes at him, so I interjected quickly, "Hey, why don't you hang out with us for tonight? I don't think Hiro'd appreciate it if we just left his girlfriend stranded all alone. Unless you came with a friend or something?"

She shook her head. "No, I came alone."

"Then stick with us," I said.

We found somewhere near the pack of the crowded place that Eiri would be all right with, but still was close enough to see things. It was a small area. Probably maybe holding about six-hundred, seven-hundred people at the most. It was the usual places Bad Luck and Nittle Grasper played. Big, enormous stadium things like the Tokyo Bay Music Festival are a special thing, for events just like that. Festivals and huge concerts and that sort of thing. The rest of the time, it's just these small ones.

"How's life?" I asked Ayaka-chan. Small talk is something I'm really good at it. Most of the time. Not when I'm absolutely tongue-tied like whenever I'm around Ryuuichi and not drunk enough to be blabbering about my inner most secrets, anyway.

"Nothing exciting," she said, smiling a little. "Not like yours."

I gave her a funny look. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I heard about what happened."

Oh, goody. The tale of my amazing upchucking capabilities had already spread as far as Kyoto.

"Do one thing wrong and you're eating it for the rest of your life," I muttered. I slumped low in my chair, as though I thought somebody was going to overhear us and give me one of those scrutinizing 'what's with this guy?' looks.

Ayaka-chan sat prim and proper beside me, shoulders back, straight as a board, hands in her lap. Eiri was slumped on the other side of her, but not like me. He was smoking a cigarette and looking more interested in something off in the distance than us.

"In matters aside from woofing up one's own cookies," I said. "Anyway, I asked what's up with you, not what's coming up from me."

She shrugged a little. "Nothing," she repeated. "Really, nothing at all."

"You're going to university soon, huh?"

"Mmhm. I don't know if I should go in Kyoto or here."

"Go here," I said. "You'll be closer to Hiro, and you and I both know Kyoto's a snore."

She might have said something. I knew I was embarrassing her talking about Hiro. Not even teasing her or anything, just mentioning him while Eiri sat right there beside her. Like Eiri would care. I didn't tell her he wouldn't give two shits less.

Might have responded. But the lights went out then, and the screaming of fan girls drowned out our voices.

Bad Luck first. I knew by the first two notes it was Shuuichi and them. They were starting with one of their older songs. The lights came on as the music picked up. Flashy colored lights, screaming fans, music blaring in my ears. Ah, heaven.

I just listen to the music when I go to a concert. Everything else fades out like it was never there. Me, the music, and the band playing. The world could have crashed down on all of us, and I would just keep standing there, listening to the music. I wouldn't snap out of it until the music stopped.

Bad Luck played out a set of six or so songs. They were starting their sixth when suddenly the crowd started screaming louder than ever, breaking even me out of my stage.

All hail Sakuma Ryuuichi-sama.

He and Shuuichi were sharing a microphone. Noriko and Touma had come out too, both to their keyboards, so that Bad Luck and Nittle Grasper were playing in unison together. It made the crowd fricking ecstatic. Me too. I'm just quiet when I'm ecstatic about something. ... sometimes.

Ryuuichi was waving to someone in the crowd. It was hard to tell who really. I looked around. Who the hell was it?

Ayaka-chan nudged me. "Sakuma-san is waving to you."

... oh. Me.

I was too bewildered to do anything. Not that it mattered. When I had picked up my jaw from the ground, his attention was taken somewhere else.

Out of hundreds of people, he had picked me out of them all. I think I was still riding that high when the song finished and Bad Luck disappeared, and Nittle Grasper started to play in their place.

I recognized all of the songs. I could tell you what album they were on, what track number it was, the length of the song. Probably even recite the lyrics word for word if someone asked me to.

It's not obsession. It's dedication. Damn you all who say otherwise.

The high may have lasted through the entire show. The next thing I knew, Ayaka was shaking my shoulder, and people were milling past us to leave. Eiri was giving me a funny look. I could feel myself blushing under his gaze and had to look away. It'd ruin my cool guy reputation if either of them saw I was embarrassed.

"Hiro gave me a back stage pass," Ayaka-chan said.

"Yeah, us too. We'll come with."

Eiri didn't object, so I figured it was okay. We waited until most of the people had gone to make our way towards the stage. A bodyguard was positioned outside, but looking at our passes, and receiving the Glare of Doom from Eiri, he let us through without a second glance.

Eiri seemed to know where he was going, so Ayaka-chan and I just followed him. He took us down a few hallways and into some room with a sign pinned on the door, proclaiming "Bad Luck" in squiggly characters.

He opened the door, and I had no idea what happened then. Someone squealed, "Yu~ki~!" and suddenly I was looking down at Eiri, flat on his back, with Shuuichi straddling him. I blinked a few times.

"Can't you two do that at home?" I paused. "Wait, don't do it at home, I'm staying there too."

Eiri rolled his eyes. Shuuichi looked embarrassed.

I helped Ayaka-chan to step over them and into the room. It wasn't much. They may have been famous musicians across the country, but there was only so much they could be provided with. There was two couches that looked comfortable enough and a table piled high with food someone had supplied. At least that was generous. I wasted no time in snatching some things.

"So, so." Shuuichi was practically dancing on his feet.

"It was good," I said. Praise was what he wanted, after all.

He whirled on Eiri. "Did you think so, Yuki?"

I watched Eiri from the corner of my eye. Some of the hardness in his face melted away. Not much, but some. He still looked tired.

"Aa." That was all he dared to even murmur, but it was enough.

He folded his arms. "But your lyrics still suck."

Shuuichi face-faulted. I had to hide my grin.

I wondered where K-san and Sakano-san were, but didn't really let it bother me. Probably doing whatever it was managers and producers do after a show. Sakano-san was probably flipping out somewhere, and K-san... was probably polishing his guns. Ayaka-chan and Hiro were being cute, blech. And Fujisaki was no where to be seen -- probably with K-san or Sakano-san, I figured.

No time to think about it anyway. The door was flung open again, and in strutted Nittle Grasper. Mika completed the ensemble. I had the amazing urge to squeak and hide behind Eiri.

"Tatsuha-kun!"

Kaboom. Down I went, Ryuuichi glomped onto me.

"E-er.. hi..."

He beamed down at me. "I was hoping you would come."

Everyone else was giving us a funny look. I sat up and tried to be dignified.

Much to my joy, the attention was taken from us when Mika suddenly asked, "Eiri, what are you doing out? You look awful."

Well, she had the bluntness to say it. I sure hadn't. I sat on the floor, Ryuuichi latched onto me, watching the two of them.

Eiri gave her an irritated look. "Don't worry about it."

But she was worrying, and when someone else worried, Shuuichi worried. He stood on his tiptoes to inspect Eiri. He slowly lowered himself back down to his feet, and I saw him take Eiri's hand in his. Eiri looked a little bothered by the spontaneous affection, but at the same time... comforted? I didn't know.

"We can go home," Shuuichi said.

Eiri opened his mouth to argue.

"It's okay," Shuuichi said quickly. He smiled brightly. "I'm tired anyway. Let's go home, okay, Yuki?"

He might have argued, if he weren't so exhausted. He glanced over at me instead.

"I guess that means me too," I said. I started to sit up, but Ryuuichi stopped me.

"I can take Tatsuha-kun home."

It took a second, but Eiri nodded. Both he and Shuuichi left together. I glanced at Mika and Touma. Something was up. I knew something was up, and whatever it was, they knew.

And they weren't telling me.

Goddammit, it's not like he wasn't my brother too.

"Tatsuha-kun, come with me."

I blinked out of my daze and looked up at Ryuuichi. He looked serious. Not overly serious, like he knew something was up to. But not his usual dopey smile or anything. I nodded after a moment and let him hoist me up to my feet.

We left everyone else behind in the room. I looked at Mika as I let Ryuuichi lead me out. She wanted to say something. I knew by looking at her that she wanted to say something, tell me something, but she just held her tongue. Just stared and let me go. I didn't know why, but I was suddenly mad at her. Why the hell wouldn't she tell me? Why wouldn't anyone? Why the hell was I always treated like a child?

Ryuuichi took me down a hall, and just like that, we were on the stage. The lights were dim, but enough to still see everything. No one had come to pick up the instruments yet. Hiro's guitar still sat in its open case. The keyboards were out wide in the open. Ryuuichi stepped ahead of me, out to the middle of the stage. I watched him. It was almost like seeing him like I always did, from the distance, just watching and never being able to see anything else. But here I was, on stage with him. On a stage with Sakuma Ryuuichi.

"Come out here," he said. I did as I was told. I stepped out to the middle of the stage with him. He took me by the shoulders and moved me a little until I stood in the dead center, staring out into an empty crowd.

I couldn't explain the feeling I had all of a sudden. It was like I could see everything. Screaming fans and the music blaring around me. I wasn't just watching from the outside. I was on the inside.

"I guess it'd be better with the crowd," Ryuuichi said suddenly, with a laugh. I glanced back at him. He was smiling at me. I smiled back.

"Nah. I still get it," I said. "I still can tell what it's like."

Yeah. Sure, I could tell. But it was a bittersweet feeling. I could taste what it was like. But I'd never have anything like it.

I stepped away from the center of the stage.

"The show was really good," I murmured.

He smiled then, but I knew it wasn't real. He was smiling for my sake.

"If you liked it, then it was good," he said.

I nodded a little. "Yeah. I liked it. I mean, I like all of your shows. I've only been to all of them since I was ten years old." For some reason, I was embarrassed to admit that. I looked away, pretending something had caught my interest, and started walking around aimlessly. I finally stopped near the edge of the stage and plopped down, my legs hanging over the side. I heard footsteps from behind, and then Ryuuichi sat beside me.

"Do you remember Touma's wedding?" I asked him. I don't know why I did. It just came out.

He nodded. "Yah, it was a lot of fun." He smiled that bright smile.

"I remember because I met you there."

I glared down at my hands. Would not blush, would not blush, would not blush.

"I was twelve, I think," I continued. "Nittle Grasper broke up a few months later, after I'd turned thirteen. I remember that. And I remember I didn't want to be there. Mom had just died.

"I remember sitting alone and watching everyone. And you came over and sat with me. You gave me Kumagoro and told me to I looked sad, and that he would cheer me up."

God, I remember that day like it had happened yesterday. The sun was shining. Music was playing. People were laughing and smiling and carrying without a care in the world. Mika was beautiful, dressed in this amazing kimono that had belonged to my mother. She had smiled a lot that day. She smiled more then than I had ever seen her smile before.

But I had sat alone and just watched the smiling people and thought... it was wrong. It was all wrong. Mom had died. How could they all be so happy?

And then I saw that pink bunny.

You look sad, he said. Kumagoro will make you happy.

"Do you remember?" I asked.

Ryuuichi nodded.

"I... I guess I wanted to say thanks." Bumbling along again. I felt like an idiot. "Thanks for cheering me up."

He smiled at me, and that was all he needed to do. The smile spoke words of its own.

Thanks, I thought.

Thanks for this time too.