Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ On the Outside ❯ Chapter Six ( Chapter 6 )

I don't brood by nature. I mean, what the hell? Why would I want to waste time I could be spending doing far more productive things complaining and carrying on about how much the world hates me and how much my life sucks, and oh woe, I did bad on that test, and oh no, I totally bombed with that girl last night. There are more important things in the world. Like gorging yourself, for instance. Or blaring music really loudly. There are other ways to brood than to sit around and just mope all of the time.

Me, I went for the gorging option. But all I had to eat was a box of pocky I was carrying in my jacket pocket as I strolled down the streets of Tokyo. Real pocky, none of that 'men's pocky' crap. Yeah, sure, I know it's not masculine to go around eating chocolates. But hey, they're good. And I like the so called girls pocky better than guys pocky.

Shuuichi was at work. Eiri was locked up in his study. I had come home late the night before after the concert. Ryuuichi had dropped me off at the apartment complex around one or two in the morning. I guess I wasn't following Eiri's curfew rule very religiously.

He had been asleep when I came in. Shuuichi was awake, sitting on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket and lit up by the glow of the television set. He had flipped it off when I came in, said he had just wanted to stay up to make sure I got home safe, and then disappeared down the hall. Something was bugging him.

Eiri?

I sighed and pulled out another stick of pocky, popping it into my mouth. Mika and Touma knew something was up. Did that mean Shuuichi did too? In that case, I really was going to be the last one to know. They would probably wait a week after he was dead to tell me he had even died.

I wasn't really worried. I knew it couldn't be something that dramatic. Aside from the cigarettes and the occasional boozing, Eiri has more mental diseases than he does physical. He wasn't going to kick the bucket anytime soon. Sure as hell not until Dad goes.

It was kind of comforting to think that.

Once again, the sun was shining and the birds were chirping, mocking me and my misery. Well, not really misery. More like my thoughtful brooding. Maybe not even brooding. Just thoughtful. Yeah, that works. Never let it be said that Uesugi Tatsuha broods.

The apartment was boring. I had left, telling Eiri I would probably go to the studio to hang out with Shuuichi and them. But I had never had it in my head to go to the studio. Didn't want to. I just wanted to get outside.

I was beginning to wonder what it was Mika wanted me to find in Tokyo. She said that it was good for me to see new things, meet new people, broaden my horizons, all of that big load of crap. Sure, it was good. Gave me a better perspective of a life that was most definitely not going to be mine. Nope. Me, Uesugi Tatsuha, sixteen-year-old professional fan boy, brother of famous author Yuki Eiri, brother-in-law of NG Records president Seguchi Touma, was going to be a priest. A monk. A man of the cloth. A man of Shinto faith.

Kind of made me want to become Christian.

I sighed. Tokyo hadn't brought me any of the things Mika wanted me to see. It only reminded me of what I had to go back to.

Then again... there was Ryuuichi. Tokyo had brought me to Ryuuichi.

I wondered what he was doing. Was he at the studio recording? Maybe doing some interview for a magazine. Who knew. Maybe he wasn't doing anything at all. What did Sakuma Ryuuichi do in his free time? I thought of his apartment. It was nice. Simple. Kitchen, living room, bedroom and guest bedroom. There was a TV and stereo, but I hadn't seen anything else. It had all been pretty amazingly... simple. Modern. Not what I would have expected from what all I had seen of Ryuuichi over the years. What could he do there in his free time?

I knew I sounded weird. I could hear the thoughts in my head and knew they were strange. Here I was, walking down the street, through dozens of people, and I was thinking about Ryuuichi, and where he was and what he was doing. It's not even like we had a relationship... aside from the connection through Touma, there was nothing these. He was just nice to me, some random kid who was a big fan of his. It wasn't anything else.

"Dammit," I cursed under my breath. Here I was, brooding. And I hate brooders. All hypocrites, please raise your hand.

I needed to do something. Something that would distract me. Something that would keep my mind away from Ryuuichi, away from my sister keeping things from me, away from my brother and his issues, away from everything.

And lo and behold, what did I come across, but an arcade.

Hey, distraction is distraction.

I had some money stashed in my jeans. Eiri was not going to be expecting me back for awhile. He still thought I was at the studio with Shuuichi. So I could go in, waste some time there, and go back to the apartment. And I would just have to hope Shuuichi would not bring up that I hadn't been at the studio at all. Eiri would probably want to grill me, and I had a feeling that by the time I got home, I still wouldn't be in the mood to dish it all out.

I found the nearest machine that had blood and gore and fighting and shoved my money in. Nothing better to take your frustrations out on than fictional characters on a 3D platform. (It was either fighting games or Dance Dance Revolution -- and I am not idiot enough to play that game in public.)

I played. I beat the crap out of some mass of flesh and muscle. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered what game I was even playing. But then I figured what did it matter? I didn't play video games for the substance in them. I just played for distraction.

And it wasn't working. Figures. I see animated blood splatter up (blood seriously can never splatter like it does in games) and I think about my family. I wonder if any of them would be offended by that.

Not just them. Shuuichi was there too, lingering somewhere. And the rest of Bad Luck, and even their ridiculous producer and trigger-happy manager. And Ayaka-chan. Even Haruka-chan, my ex-girlfriend.

And Ryuuichi. Always Ryuuichi.

I sighed. Whups. Game over. Should have been paying better attention.

I didn't want to play any more games. I wandered back out of the arcade, pockets still filled with money, pocky still in my jacket. I pulled out a stick and popped it into my mouth, just gnawing on it a bit as I walked. The sun would be setting soon. Eiri wouldn't yell if I didn't come back for dinner. But I'd definitely get a raised eyebrow and maybe a snide comment.

There was a park across from the arcade. I don't know why, but I wandered over there. I found a bench and sat down, stretching out my arms across the seat, and slumping down. I let my neck fall against the back rest and I just stared up, skyward, munching on my pocky.

Tokyo was kind of lonely, I realized. Oh, yeah, sure. There was Shuuichi. There was Fujisaki and Hiro if I ever wanted their company. Ayaka-chan was still in the city. Mika lived here, and there was always Eiri. But it was lonely. I realized it wasn't my place. Tokyo wasn't my place anymore than standing in the center of that stage was my place. I wasn't on the inside. Not ever on the inside, but just watching. Always the viewer, never the actor.

Blah, blah, blah.

I think I fell asleep. I don't know. The next thing I knew, I was snapping from my daze, and two high school girls were standing above me. I think I might have stared for a moment or two before it clicked in my head what I was looking at, like bulb coming on. 'Oh, so that's what you are! High school girls.'

They were both dressed in the same school uniform. The one on my left looked intimidating. One of those loud, obnoxious girls that would say anything she damn well pleased and not think of what she was saying until it was said. The other reminded me of my ex, Haruka-chan. She seemed quiet and petite compared to the other girl. When I met her eyes, she would look away, embarrassed.

"Ladies," I greeted. Never let it be said I'm not a gentleman. (Or as close to one I can be before I get annoyed enough to act like my usual jerk of a self.)

The one on the left giggled, a kind of grating sound. One of those 'ohohoho' laughs.

"Geez," she said, "we thought you were dead or something."

That would be why I was breathing. But I held my tongue.

"Nope. Just catching a snooze." I folded my arms and gave them both a scrutinizing look. "Shouldn't you girls be home? It's late. Tokyo's no place for girls at night."

The obnoxious one laughed again. "We've live here our whole lives. We're fine."

I stood up. "I don't believe it. I'll walk you both home."

The flirting is completely and utterly natural, I swear to God. I didn't mean to. I could have consciously said to myself, 'Tatsuha, you are not going to flirt with these girls. You will not. Bad, Tatsuha, bad!' And I would still have flirted with them. I blame it on the Uesugi slut gene. I also blame the fact that flirting is my second nature. It comes to me like breathing or blinking.

The obnoxious one had crossed her arms across her waist. "Well, I guess since we were heading that way anyway, you can walk us."

"Thanks for deeming me worthy of your company," I said. I grinned as I did. Sarcastic, me? Nah. Besides, no one can notice sarcasm when you smile with the charm I do. Not arrogance. It's the truth. Charming personalities is another trait of we Uesugi boys. It's not until you get to know us for who we really are that you realize we're complete assholes beneath it at all.

"I'm Atsuo Emiko," the obnoxious one said, "and this is Norikazu Miyame."

"Tatsuha," I said, smiling. Another of my many talents. I can smile when I don't want to. I can be the nicest guy on the planet when I want to beat the living daylights out of someone. I just keep on smiling. I'm good at it. I could make a career of lying. I should be a lawyer.

"You're not from around, are you?" Emiko asked.

I glanced at her. "What makes you say that?" I had no idea where we were going, so I walked between the two girls, letting them lead the way.

She put a finger to her chin. "Well, if you were, you'd be wearing a school uniform from around here. Unless you're skipping. And if you were from around here, you'd know girls in Tokyo can take care of themselves."

I kind of doubted that. I did not doubt the capabilities of women. Far from it. I had two incredibly strong female role models in my life, my mother and Mika. But any woman against five or ten men is not going to be able to protect herself. But it's not just for girls. If five or ten guys jumped me, I'd be flattened into a pancake too.

"You're right," I said. "I'm not from around here."

"Where are you from?" It was the first time Miyame had spoken. I glanced at her. Our eyes met and she immediately looked away, blushing. I had to smile. I couldn't help it. I was reminded a lot of Haruka-chan.

"Kyoto," I answered. "I ran away from home."

"Liar!" Emiko accused.

"No, I swear. I really did." I sighed, dramatically. "My father is forcing me to get married and run the family business. I ran away in protest." It sounded like I was describing one of Eiri's dumb novels. It was hard to keep up the act without laughing my ass off.

"Really?" Miyame asked, eyes wide and mouth open. Looking at her, I felt bad for lying.

"No, not really," I said. "I was messing with you. I'm just here visiting my brother."

She almost looked relieved. I wondered if it was because she thought if I was a run away, that automatically meant I was probably some high school drop-out delinquent, or because it really did bother her, the thought of me being a run away kid with no place to turn. I didn't ask which it was.

"I live in Kyoto," I continued, casually.

"What about school?" Emiko asked.

I shrugged. "They won't miss me."

It's not like I was ever there anyway. How I managed to skip as many days as I did and still pass was absolutely beyond me. Usually I just lied to whatever authority figure wanted to get on my case about my absences, explaining most dramatically that with my father so dangerously ill these days, it was necessary I stayed home more often. I played it up with such heart-warming theatrics they always let me off without a second word. 'Well, if that's the case, it's all right, Uesugi-kun. Please give your father my regards.'

I sometimes felt guilty about using him as my excuse. But not guilty enough to stop doing it.

"Oh, Miya-chan!" Emiko exclaimed abruptly. "I finished the book! I'll let you borrow it."

She dug around in her bag for a moment or two before finally finding whatever it was she was looking for. And wouldn't you know, it was one of Eiri's novels. One of the newer ones. I hadn't read it. I had read up until his fifth or sixth book, just because I wanted to know what it was my brother was doing that made him as famous as he was, before I realized it was the same thing over and over again. It was boring. But women country-wide gobbled up his flowery words and cheesy romances, and who am I to complain? He knows how to play to the people's needs.

"You read that stuff?" I asked.

Emiko clutched the book to her chest, hugging it like it was some precious stuffed animal or something. "Yuki Eiri is the greatest author ever," she said. She sighed. "I'm going to marry him someday."

I tried not to laugh aloud. I guess I didn't try very hard. Next thing I knew, she was glaring at me as though I were the spawn of Satan.

"What's wrong with Yuki Eiri?" she asked.

"Nothing, nothing," I said. "I know for a fact he's not a half-bad guy."

Miyame was looking at me now, curious. "How?"

Eiri had told me after the fiasco in Kyoto when I had told my entire class that he was my brother, that if I did it again, he would make sure that I would never bear children. Of course, he hadn't said it that delicately...

But right then I didn't give a damn what he wanted.

"He's my brother."

They both stared at me for a moment, eyes wide, mouths open. Pure and utter shock.

"You're lying," Emiko said.

"Nope. I don't lie."

She flipped through the book, to the back pages where there was a small author's biography, complete with a picture of my expressionless brother. She stared at the picture, up at me, back to the picture, back to me. Miyame wasn't rude enough to do the same, but I could tell she wanted to compare too.

"I guess you sort of look alike," Emiko relented. Sort of? Yeah, that was why Shuuichi had thought I was Eiri, just with black hair. Oh well. Maybe it was the fact the camera adds ten pounds that made Eiri and I look different.

"Except he's blonde," she added. She looked up at me, eyes narrowed in a scrutinizing gaze. "You have black hair."

"Yup." Thank you for stating the obvious, Emiko-san.

"Does he bleach?" she asked with sudden great delight. The fan girls would just love to know.

I shook my head. "Nope. Our mother was European." How Eiri had managed to come out with blonde hair and me with black was beyond me. I guess I took more after our father in that department. And poor Mika, she just got a combination of the two and was stuck being a brunette. If we had a redhead in our family, the entire spectrum of hair color would be complete.

"Wow. He's really your brother?"

I glanced at Emiko. "I told you I don't lie."

We were walking through a less populated area of the city. Not much of a suburb. There aren't exactly suburbs in Tokyo. But where there was more housing than there was businesses, mostly apartments, and occasionally a huddled group of houses somewhere along the line. Kids were outside playing. It wasn't going to be long before their moms called them in for dinner.

"What's he like?" Emiko asked.

I got that a lot. Whenever someone found out my brother was Yuki Eiri, and they were addicted to his books (like every female in the world, it seemed), they would ask me what was he like. What was I going to tell them? The truth? 'He's kind of an asshole.' I didn't think that'd fly by too well.

"Quiet," I answered. Sure. That worked.

She sighed wistfully. "It must be great to have a famous brother." She paused. "Oh no, here's my house. Miya-chan, here's the book." She pointed a finger at her friend. "If you mess up even one page, I'll never forgive you!"

Miyame laughed nervously as she took the book. "I'll be careful," she promised.

Emiko turned to me with a smile. "It was nice to meet you, Tatsuha-san. Make sure you get Miya-chan home safe."

"I will," I said. "See you."

She waved the both of us and disappeared up a flight of stairs and around the corner of an apartment complex. Miyame and I stood, watching, until we saw her go into one of the numerous doors facing out onto the street. Once she was safely inside, we both turned without a word and started back down the sidewalk. I trailed slightly behind her. She knew where we were going, and I still had no idea.

"I'm sorry if Emiko-chan was rude," Miyame said quietly. I glanced at her. She wouldn't look at me. She kept her head bowed, arms clutching the book to her chest. I had met hundreds of girls and dated hundreds more, and it never failed. It was always the quiet ones I liked. I mean honestly liked and wanted to date. That was how it was with Haruka-chan. All the other ones, they were loud and obnoxious like Emiko was. They never lasted more than a few days.

Miyame was cute and all, but I didn't want to flirt with her for some reason. I knew if I wanted, I could have gotten her number, probably a date, but I didn't want to. Strange as it sounds, I think it was a sort of innocence issue. Haruka-chan was always the quiet, good school girl, and the second I had started dating her, I had dragged her into things she really didn't need to be messed up in. I still felt guilty about what it had done to her. And I wasn't willing to drag another person down like that again.

I sighed. "It's okay. Everybody asks about him."

She looked at me, very briefly. "Are you okay?"

Figured I would start thinking of things like that and it would show through. I quickly nodded.

"Sorry," I said. I grinned at her. "I was just thinking of some things. You remind me of a friend of mine."

She inclined her head slightly. "Really?"

"Yeah." I wanted to call Haruka-chan all of a sudden. I don't know why. I just wanted to call her and apologize to her for what an ass I had been and anything I had done to hurt her when we were dating. I shook my head. I hated getting into those moods, when I felt like everything was my problem and I had to apologize for every damn little thing I had ever done. Thank God I don't get them much. I'd shoot myself before I'd go through life like that.

But Haruka-chan did deserve an apology from me. It was months before that we had broken up, but we still saw each other at school, around Kyoto, and it was always uncomfortable. I didn't want it to be like that anymore.

"Do you live close?" I asked Miyame.

"It's not much further," she said. I nodded.

We kept walking, me following and Miyame leading. We didn't talk. But it wasn't awkward. It was just one of those companionable silences.

A few more blocks and we were in a more populated area. There were more houses than there were apartments or businesses. The sun had already set and dusk was setting in, so most of the kids we saw outside as we passed were just then being called inside by their mothers. Miyame stopped in front of a small house nestled between two larger ones.

"This is my house," she said.

"All right." I smiled. "Well, thanks for letting me walk you home."

She smiled back, but it was a shy, embarrassed smile. "You didn't have to."

"I wanted to," I said.

She blushed then. It was incredibly cute, but I didn't say so aloud.

"Well, Tatsuha-san--"

"Tatsuha," I interrupted.

"Tatsuha," she said slowly. She smiled a little. "Maybe I'll see you later."

"Maybe."

I waited on the sidewalk until she had disappeared inside the house. I wondered who was waiting for her inside. Her parents were probably there, her mom making dinner, her dad reading the newspaper. Maybe she had some siblings that would tease her about being walked home by some guy she barely knew. Something perfectly happy and modern. Perfect little family. I had never had that.

I started walking away. I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jacket for warmth and felt my fingers brush over the number pad of my cell phone. I thought about Haruka-chan. I could call her and apologize. What an idiot I would sound like.

I glanced down at the phone as I took it out of my pocket and blinked. Five new voice mails? Who the hell had been trying to call me?

The first message was from a friend of mine in Kyoto. "Tatsuha, where the hell are you! When are you going to be home? Yeah, that's all. Uh, call you later!"

Ryouma. A dork of a friend. Ah well.

The next four were all from Mika.

The first three were mostly asking where I was and what I was doing. The fourth bothered me.

"Tatsuha, where are you? Answer your phone, Tatsuha. It's important."

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. I knew it was Eiri. Something had happened.

I fumbled with the phone. It was hard to dial when I was convinced that something had happened. I kept thinking of all of the worse possibilities. Something had happened to Eiri. Something had happened to Shuuichi. Something had happened to Touma. A car accident, any kind of accident. Maybe Shuuichi had just shoved his finger in an electric socket or something, who knew.

I listened to the phone ring. One, two, three, four...

"Dammit, Mika. Come on."

Five. Six.

"Tatsuha?"

Thank God. "Mika," I said. "You scared the living crap out of me. What's up?"

"It's Dad," she said.

I relaxed. It was Dad. It wasn't Eiri. I felt like an asshole for being so relieved it hadn't been my brother, but I was glad it wasn't him. Dad I knew was dying. I knew it was coming and I was ready for that. But if something happened to Mika or Eiri, so abruptly as my mother had died because no one had told me what was wrong... I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I wouldn't be able to take it.

"What's wrong with Dad?" I asked.

"He's back in the hospital," she said. "I have to go home to Kyoto."

"Okay," I said slowly. "How bad is it?"

She sighed, exasperated. "We don't know. You might have to come home."

I didn't want to go home. But I didn't say so aloud.

"I'm at the train station now." I could hear the sounds of a conductor and trains pulling away from the station. Yeah, she was really going home.

"I'll come home." I said it before I knew what I was saying. I didn't want to go home. But I knew I had to. I had an obligation. I couldn't just run away like Eiri did. I had an obligation to our family whether I liked it or not.

"You don't have to," Mika said. She sounded exhausted. "If we need you home, I'll let you know."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

"All right. Get some sleep, sis. You never take care of yourself."

"I will," she said. But I knew she wouldn't.

I hung up and put the phone back into my jacket pocket. It wasn't Eiri. It was just Dad. Probably another bad relapse. But he would come back from it. I knew he would. He came back from everything. The treatments had been working too long now to just stop all of a sudden. But leave it to Mika to turn a small thing into an enormous thing.

I sighed. She really had scared me there.

I started back down the sidewalk. If it had been Eiri she was calling, I wondered if he would think something bad had happened to me. I wondered if he would get as worried as I was.

Nah. Probably not.

I don't know when it was that I was out of the housing district and back into the city. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. I knew that I was headed in the direction of Eiri's apartment. But I didn't really see where I was going.

If they had told me all of what was happening to Mom when it was happening, would I have been as resigned to her death as I was to my father's? Would I have even cared when she died?

I didn't want to know. I didn't want to think that I wouldn't have cared when my mom died. Not like I knew I wasn't going to care when Dad went. Because I knew I wouldn't cry. He would die, but I wouldn't cry for him, not like I had for Mom. I knew it was coming. And I felt more guilty than I had ever felt before when I knew I wouldn't cry for my father.

A car pulled up alongside me. I didn't notice. Not until the window rolled down and someone asked, "Tatsuha-kun?"

I froze. "S... Sakuma-san." Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought I sounded like a serious idiot to be stuttering.

He had his arm resting on the car door and was leaning against it, looking out at me. Sunglasses hid his eyes. A bandana kept his hair away from his face. His mouth was curved downward slightly, a sort of concerned frown. I just stared at him. Weird coincidence.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I shrugged after a moment. "Sure."

"Do you want a ride home?"

I thought about it. I shook my head.

"No... but, uh... do you think we could just go somewhere?"

I didn't know what I was asking. I didn't know what he would say. I just knew I didn't want to be rejected.

"Sure," he said. He smiled at me. "Hop in."

I sighed.

"Thanks."