Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Sky Arc ❯ Holding The Light - 02 ( Chapter 3 )

Sky Arc - Holding The Light (2/?)

Pairing : 2+5, (1x2, 1x5)
Ratings : PG-13
Warnings : Yaoi, angst
Disclaimer : Gundam Wing belongs to Bandai, Sotsu, Sunrise and associated affiliates, not me.

Summary : Confronted, Duo and Wufei have to come to terms with each other, and with themselves. Duo POV.

A/N : First and foremost, this arc is a more emotional exploration of what might have been between the three main characters. There's angst, there's unrequited feelings, there's selfishness, and yes, there's very possibly, OOC. Forgive me. ^^ Some liberties have to be taken with characterisation, especially with a plotline such as this. I hope readers will enjoy following the story, though! Feedback very appreciated! ^^

"Shall we talk?" Duo said as lightly as he could, yet his heart was racing so badly he thought Wufei would surely hear it.

Yet Wufei probably wouldn't hear anything right now...Duo wasn't sure if Wufei was even *seeing* him. A swell of pity rose in Duo as he finally halted in his advance towards the Chinese man. Any nearer to Wufei and he'd probably bolt. Had it been that long since he had been in the Preventers, Duo wondered, that he had actually stopped noticing things? Now, at this very moment, just standing there and looking at Wufei - truly looking - Duo was just stunned at the change in his colleague.

Those black-as-ebony eyes that stared back at Duo were wide, almost expressionless if not for the pinpricks of sheer mortification that gleamed too brightly. The copper skin whose colour Duo had admired once upon a time had a sickly pallor to it, and it stretched tight over the angles of bones that protruded too sharply for Duo's liking.

"What are you doing here?"

Duo frowned openly. What - even Wufei's *voice* had changed! He couldn't believe this tremulous croak was from someone he knew to be always strong and unyielding. "What the fuck happened to you?" he blurted, then winced at his own bluntness.

Dark eyebrows stitched together in instinctive anger, but it dissipated swiftly. Shrugging his shoulders in a startling uncharacteristic display of nonchalance, Wufei crossed his arms before his chest. "What do you want?" he said flatly.

Slowly, lazily, Duo draped himself onto the desk, leaning his hip against it. "Let's stop playing dumb, Wufei," he said pointedly, raising one eyebrow in a near-smirk, knowing it would infuriate. "You know what I'm here for."

Still, Wufei remained blank. "I don't."

Duo's carefully-planned mental script flew out of his mind. Before he knew it, he had already straightened himself and glaring at Wufei with every single ounce of frustration he had been feeling for every minute and every day for the past few weeks.

"I'll say this again, Wufei," Duo responded with a grim smile. "I don't appreciate your little charade right now."

Wufei met his furious glare straight on, obsidian eyes unblinking. Then, just for that sliver of a moment, a fleeting shade of self-deprecation ghosted over Wufei's features, and at length, he nodded, shoulders easing.

"I apologise," Wufei unfolded his arms and they fell limply to his sides. "Shall we have the talk now?"

Duo reeled back a little, startled at the sudden change in reaction from the Chinese man. But well, things were working like they should now, so he wasn't anywhere near complaining. "Not here." He shook his head, easy charm slipping back into place. He cocked a thumb in the direction of the door. "I say we go get a drink."

There was a moment's silence as Wufei stared from door to Duo, and back to the door. "All right," he said quietly.

++++++++++

They ended up in a quaint little drinking parlour just a street away from their workplace. It was one of those places that was by far more decent than most. They spoke little along the way, but they *did* speak. About their work, about their extra-curricular activities outside of work, even about the one topic that never failed to creep into any ailing conversation - the weather.

All eyes in the parlour focused on them once they entered. Nonchalantly, Duo discreetly steered Wufei towards a corner of the interior that was situated further away from the rest of the patrons. The lighting was just enough to illuminate their faces like ghostly masks, but the dimness was welcoming. It felt...comfortable. Once settled, Wufei ordered a bottle of whisky with two shot glasses. Duo smiled wryly to himself. He'd admit that he almost expected Wufei to ask for water.

"Shall we talk now?"

The talk. Duo had almost forgotten about it, wanted to forget about it, but there was no escaping it. He chanced a glance at Wufei and was instantly arrested by a haunted, obsidian gaze.

"What do you want to know?" Wufei continued relentlessly. "From the beginning to the end?"

Duo shook his head. "You don't have to tell me those."

"You said you wanted to talk."

Yes, he did. He was the one who wanted the talk, and now that the time and opportunity had presented themselves, he couldn't do it. Curling a shaking hand around the glass, Duo knocked back his drink. Maybe...maybe he didn't want to know so much, he realised all too late.

"You're afraid of knowing."

Duo laughed bitterly. For all of the time he and Heero had been together, all those moments of sharing days and thoughts, and their *lives*, and Heero never managed to get right into Duo's mind. And now, just ten minutes into sharing drinks with Wufei and Duo was laid bare.

"You read minds in your spare time?" Duo took a long slug of his drink, hardly tasting it.

They stared wordlessly at each other. Duo for the most, felt ridiculous - at himself. Where was all his poise? All that mental preparation he did before he stepped into the HQ and headed right for Wufei's office, and then knocking on that forbidding door…and the *talk*, of course. God forbid he should forget that he was the one who asked for it. Practically begged for it too.

And now here they were, two…Duo's mind grasped weakly for the right words. Two love rivals. He wanted to crawl into himself at that thought. This wasn't a contest for love, this wasn't a competition, and hell no, it wasn't even for Heero! It was just...just...

"Like that."

Duo glanced up sharply. Wufei could read minds better than he had thought.

"It's just like that," Wufei rephrased slowly, tiredly, fingers fiddling with the glass. He looked like he's rather be anywhere else in the world than here trapped in a pub with Duo Maxwell, and yet...he looked like he wanted to be here too. Obsidian eyes refocusing on Duo, Wufei finally stopped his fiddling. "You're here," he pointed to Duo, then himself. "And I'm here. What are we waiting for?"

Duo decided there and then if there was just one thing someone would ever love Chang Wufei for, it would be the way he pointed out the simplest workings in...*everything*. Well, in that case, Duo could try to be the same just for the day.

Duo nodded. "Fine." He gestured to the waiter and relayed his order.

Their bottle of whisky was taken, and brought back with its contents emptied into several glasses. A second table was pulled to join theirs, and the empty bottle and all the glasses were carefully positioned on both tables. A discreet display of Duo's easy charm that he could switch on at will, and aided by generous tip, the waiter agreed readily to keep their corner undisturbed by other patrons.

Wufei watched it all blankly, only letting slip his disapproval when Duo waved the empty bottle at him, then placed it flat on the centre of their table. Once everything was settled, Wufei rounded on him. "I'm not here to play games, Maxwell," he fairly hissed.

"Who is?" Duo retorted swiftly, but was just as quick to drop his sharpness. "Can you think of a better way to do this?"

Glowering dark eyes tracked deliberately over the empty bottle and all those glasses of whiskey. When they shifted back again to meet Duo's gaze, the fire was replaced by a painfully clear wretchedness.

"Well..." Wufei said softly, hesitantly. "Shoot."

Duo's gaze was unflinching. "When did it start?"

"Eleven months and three weeks ago."

Nearly a year. He had been kept completely in the dark for nearly a whole, fucking year! Chest tightening painfully, Duo had to restrain the urge to swing his fist into Wufei. Instead, he crossed his arms tightly. "Your turn. Anything you wanna know?" he asked, satisfied to see the grim discomfort on those pale features. Wufei didn't look like he had expected to get a chance to ask questions. He hesitated, mouth opening, then closing again. It reminded Duo of the Wufei in the video clip.

"It's over," Wufei's voice was quiet.

The video clip jumped to mind again, a mocking testimony of secrets that might be better kept buried. Forcefully shutting out that memory, Duo laughed. It sounded angry to his own ears. "That's not a question."

In reply, Wufei took up his glass and drained it one draught - his punishment for breaking rules.

"You say it's over," Duo went on relentlessly, words spilling from his lips in a tone so cold he would been horrified that it came from himself...on another day. "How do I know for sure?"

For one flitting moment, Wufei might have grimaced. Yet he was expressionless as he replied. "I told him...and he understood."

"What do you mean he understood?"

"I told him to leave and he did."

"You mean he wouldn't normally?"

"You should know."

Well, if that wasn't the obvious. Duo almost snickered at that. He polished off a glass, the liquid burning a trail down his throat and he hardly tasted it anyway. Fuck the rules. "How did it start?"

Silence. Wufei's gaze wavered.

"Why did it end?"

Another glass, another draught of punishment.

"Do you truly want it to end?"

Feverish copper hands curled around a glass, the contents sloshing against the sides. It was lifted to pale lips and shakily emptied.

"Do you still love him?"

Time might have stopped, for all of two seconds as that question hung between them. Then, for the fourth time, Wufei reached blindly for a glass, snatching it up like it was a lifeline that could somehow save him from the drowning depths of his despair. Before it could touch his lips, Duo's hand clamped over his wrist, stopping him.

"Enough," Duo said softly, his other hand coming up to gently pry away the glass from Wufei's quivering grip. "No more questions. Ok?"

Wufei's head snapped and he stared wide-eyed at Duo. He might be drunk, but Duo could not be sure if that gleam in Wufei's eyes was the manic glint of intoxication, or just what Duo feared the most. He stared helplessly as Wufei suddenly stood and made for the back-exit. But he didn't stare for too long. Slapping a handful of bills onto the table, Duo quickly snatched up his jacket and ran after his colleague.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Wufei! Wait up!"

Duo burst into the alley breathlessly, eyes trying vainly to quickly adjust to the startling change in light intensity and consistency of the very air he breathed in just a moment ago. His feet found themselves and he moved, dashing and almost stumbling as he covered the ground between himself and the lurching figure further deeper into the back-street. The walls sped by Duo in a blur.

"Wufei!" Duo hollered, his chest starting to constrict with his efforts. He felt like he was chasing a shadow.

It might have been some trick of light that allowed Duo's eyes to see a dark figure hunched by the wall, climbing to its feet shakily like it had fallen not so long ago. Duo's hands closed onto thin shoulders and whirled Wufei around. Duo wanted to apologise, to say he was sorry for everything that had gone on back there, that even though there were so many he just had to ask but had little idea of the weight of the answers.

"Wufei, I..."

"Let go!"

"Goddammit, will you just stop it!"

"Look at me...just...*look* at me!" Wufei sounded like something had died in him. You could see the self-loathing roiling in his eyes, and in the tears that even now he tried to keep back. "I'm *disgusting*! Look at what I've become!"

"Wufei..."

"Don't pity me. Don't...just, don't pity me."

"I don't pity you - I said I - are you fucking listening?!" the voice that barrelled out of Duo's mouth was shrill with desperation and something dangerously akin to manic despair, but Duo heard only his own need to make Wufei understand. "I don't pity you, Wufei."

Unseeing onyx eyes stared back at Duo in painful, abject incomprehension. Then, slowly, wearily, Wufei sank back against the dirt wall. "Everything, Duo," he said softly. "Everything can go on like it always did."

Duo blinked, almost recoiling in his confusion. "What?"

"Go back," Wufei raised his head. There was sudden calm in his countenance, something near serenity, as unreal as it was painful. "You have your life waiting for you."

And it was then Duo understood what Wufei wanted of him. But of course...it was Duo's own stupidity for not seeing it earlier. He smiled bitterly, releasing his hands on Wufei. "Heero isn't an object, Wufei." The silence from Wufei was reply enough and Duo continued, his voice low with the weight from his own emotions. "And don't use me as your little stairway to salvation."

Wufei's reaction came fast, and sharp. "What? I - "

"Shut up and let me talk." Duo cut him off, his words almost snapped off at each syllable in his cresting anger. "So you're letting me have Heero to make yourself feel better? So now you're the saint and I'm the bad guy? You're so noble, and I'm the street rat now, huh? You must feel *so* good about yourself."

"What do you mean by that!"

Duo stopped. Again the transformation in Wufei was nothing short of astounding. One moment he had been practically *consumed* by his own anguish, and now, he was the very picture of wounded pride and trembling self-righteousness. If Duo didn't know better, he'd never have suspected for a moment that fragility actually existed within this shaking, seething Wufei glaring at him.

"I didn't *give* Heero to you, Duo Maxwell. I never gave *anything* to you. All I know is when to retreat. And let me enlighten you on something else. If I hadn't given way, you'd never even stand a - " He stopped suddenly, face flushing in wretched recognition of the meaning behind his outburst.

"Stand a what?" now Duo spoke, weary triumph weighing his words. "Stand a chance?"

The fire seeped out of Wufei's stance and he again, leaned heavily against the wall as if for support. He closed his eyes and shook his head. "Forgive me, Maxwell. I did not mean - "

"Yeah you did." Duo followed suit and thudded his back against the comforting hardness of the structure. Crossing his hands behind his head, he stared up into the darkening sky. Night would come soon.

Both of them kept quiet for a long moment, just absorbed in their own thoughts. It was perhaps not much of a surprise that Duo realised that he had not much else to say. He had found out all he wanted to know from Wufei. He had even found out more than what he wanted to know. He wondered bleakly if life had been better before the Wars, or after. Before, all they needed to do was fight, risk their lives which were worthless anyway for a purpose that had no definition. They needn't know anything about living. The civilians lived on their behalf. Now...things were different. Even they - five men still too young, and yet too old for this world - had lives now. And of course, as far as Duo was concerned, he had managed to spectacularly screw it up again.

Beside him, Wufei was a tensed, unnatural presence. He was probably not used to having to deal with life either. If there was anything even remotely funny about their situation right now, they probably should be...maybe trading punches, instead of well...silence. So, it startled him, when Wufei was the one who broke this silence.

"Why are you asking so many questions? All Heero needs is you. You opened him up, taught him how to be a person again. There is nothing else he would need if he just has you."

Duo shook his head without looking at Wufei. He couldn't because he knew what he would find. He would see a thin, wide-eyed face with that haunted yet earnest expression of someone still unschooled in the ways of the world. It was the same expression that had drawn Duo to Heero. A simple desire of wanting to teach Heero, to dig deep to uncover the person behind that stony veneer, had led to Duo falling hard for his own subject.

"Can't judge like that, Wufei," Duo explained with a soft sigh. "Doesn't work that way. If I were all he need, he wouldn't have turned to you, would he?"

"But I don't understand. I did nothing for him."

A wry smile crept across Duo's face as he turned his head. It was as he had thought. He found a very confused-looking Wufei staring back him. The Chinese man looked like he had fought hard to understand, and now was struggling with his own inability to comprehend. Duo could see it in the kink of frustration between black eyebrows and rare vulnerability on oriental features.

"Maybe," Duo paused as he sought to articulate himself through the whirl of unnamed emotions churning within him. "Maybe you have something he needs, and I can't give him that." It hurt badly to say it, but he had to say it.

"You are far stronger than me, Duo."

Duo smiled, a genuine one. Reaching towards the other man, he curled his fingers around one white-clad arm.

The gasp was both unexpected and startling. Duo withdrew with a start, just as Wufei backed away, grimacing. It was a split-second later when Duo realised it was pain on Wufei's face that he was looking at.

"Wufei," Duo said leadenly, and without giving the other man a chance to escape this time, he caught the same arm by the wrist this time and pulled it up. The sleeve rose easily, maybe a little too easily for Duo was hardly prepared to the thick bandages cinching Wufei's arm. Duo took a sharp intake of breath. How could he not have noticed them earlier?

Chestnut brows slammed together as Duo looked up again. "You said I was stronger, Wufei," Duo spoke with difficulty through his warring emotions of both horror and disbelief. "Because Heero used you - and not me - as a punching bag?!"

Amethyst and obsidian were for a moment, just fixed doggedly on each other. Duo's gaze was unrelenting, almost accusatory as he waited for an answer that would confirm something that he had never been able to believe in. And Wufei...just gazing wide-eyed.

Duo gritted his teeth as he waited. He could almost feel the struggle that Wufei was trying to overcome. He knew Wufei could either confess, or bolt. But Duo wasn't sure which option Wufei would choose, and this uncertainty only meant Duo was determined to wrangle a reply out of the silent Chinese man. It wasn't as if it would be the first time Duo played villain.

"Wufei!" Duo pressed harshly. "This - " he glanced down at the bandages, a stark testament. "Did Heero do this? Look at me - did he do this!"

Obsidian eyes cleared suddenly and Wufei wrenched his arm away. He was shaking.

"Wufei, did Heero - "

"No!"

Duo lapsed into disbelieving silence, then shook his head hard. "You can tell me, Wufei. I swear no one else - "

"No," Wufei said again, calmly this time. His sleeve had fallen back into place. There was finality in his tone. "Don't judge us, Duo. It doesn't work that way."

That did silence Duo. It was one thing to spout philosophy, and another to have your own words thrown back into your face.

"Go back, Duo. Heero would be back from the function by now. He doesn't like being alone at night. You would know that."

Duo leaned away from the wall. It seemed the civil talk was over then. He was sure he wasn't the only one between them who could feel the bonds that he and Wufei might have forged dissipate as they regarded each other. A kind of stoicism hung over them, something that they might have both learnt from the one ever-present link between them - Heero Yuy. He was the one thing they both could never run away from.

Again, it was Wufei who spoke first. Later that night, when Duo had the time to reflect on things, he then realised that the tables had turned too at that moment Wufei spoke.

"Let me give you something else to think about, " Wufei had said softly before turning to leave. His eyes bored right through Duo. "I got this injury on the Rosen mission. It was on the twelfth. Think about that."

++++++++++

Duo did think about it. He thought about it the whole way home, and even after he had entered his apartment. But his thoughts were interrupted by the near-darkness that enveloped the whole apartment. That was strange. Heero was supposed to be back. And...Duo tried not to cringe at the thought...there was no way Heero could be with Wufei tonight.

Carefully, Duo eased along one wall, his whole body tensed. The sloping shadows that were cut into irregular shards by the single, forlorn balcony lamp, disoriented his senses in a way that would have been unnerving if he weren't in his own home.

"Duo?"

That voice out of the darkness was startling, but Duo relaxed, relieved to hear that it was Heero like it should be. Duo reached for the light switch, stopped when Heero's voice said again, "Don't."

Violet eyes strained through the dimness, peered hard before making out the faint outline of Heero sitting on the sofa. His posture was so rigid that he looked carved out of marble. and there was something about the almost unnoticeable quivering of strong shoulders that was just...wrong. Duo practically bounded over to his lover, kneeling down before Heero, and covering Heero's hands with his own concerned ones.

They were so close, Duo could feel the faint rise and fall of his lover's frame with each breath, yet Duo had to see Heero from under that faint balcony light. He thought Heero's face looked deathly pale, the eyes unnaturally stark.

"What happened, Heero? Something went wrong at the function?" he peered anxiously into Heero's bleak blue gaze. "What is it?"

Nothing. There was not a single flicker of reaction from Heero at first. Then, slowly, he blinked, a barrage of emotions flooding - montage-like in Heero's inability to mask them - into those deep blue eyes. And abruptly, he threw his arms around Duo.

Heero never spoke again the entire night. Neither did Duo. They stayed in the living room, with Duo just holding his lover as the man shook in his arms. Duo might have asked what was wrong like he would normally, pressing and prodding until Heero gave up his troubles to Duo's comforting. But Duo couldn't bring himself to say anything, for he knew the reason behind the anguished trembling that he was embracing now.

He saw the beeper by the coffee-table, its panel a blur with the numerous messages from Relena trying to reach Heero. Heero never went to the function. And he saw the mini-disc that was clutched in Heero's fist. The same disc that Duo himself had recovered and watched in the morning.

It was on the twelfth. Think about that.

A slow smile - an expression that might have been the residue of a distilled pain - ghosted over Duo's lips. It was gone before it registered, yet its fleeting existence was enough to draw an ache to Duo's eyes.

Wufei had gotten that injury from his mission. That was the twelfth. Heero didn't come home that night, now Duo remembered. On the thirteenth, Duo had visited Wufei at the ward and the nurse had joked that Wufei was really lucky to have a friend accompanying him for the whole of the night before.

Don't judge us, Duo.

Heero was no longer holding onto Duo, but was being held instead. His arms hung limply by his sides. It made Duo feel like weeping to see the thin streams of blood that trickled from one of those clenched fists.

Don't judge us.

Wufei wasn't just referring to himself and Heero. He was talking about them - all three of them. Duo had thought that all the while, he was the one who saw things clearly, and for what they were. But he had been blinded by his own mind, and he could see only now. Wufei loved Heero enough to let him go. Heero loved Duo enough to be let go.

And Duo...

It took Duo all his strength of will to stay with Heero then, keeping his arms locked around his lover like he was a precious doll, and even stronger will to keep his tears where they belonged - inside him.

Duo wasn't sure he could even love.

*~ fin ~*~
March 2004