Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ Concerning him ❯ Concerning them (the promised part II.) ( Chapter 6 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
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Chapter 04
Concerning them (the promised part II.)
by Stray
21. 11. 2003
rating: R
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi hints, pairing: HxA, IxW
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Another WARNING: contains errors since I just finished it and didn’t have the time to reread and correct it!
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After he woke up Touya had to remain for five more days in the hospital. He was questioned by the police (the same two officers who took me in custody) and gave them his statement about the incident. He also told them he didn’t want to denounce his attackers and wants to put the matter to rest. They seemed to show more sympathy towards him like I thought they would and didn’t force him. They understood he isn’t particularly determined to let the wide public know about that embarrassing incident. They also seemed to feel a bit ashamed of their former attitude towards me and were careful to be very polite with their words when they were about to question me.
Thank God, the reporters haven’t got any hint of the occurrence and there weren’t any in the hospital inquiring me or Touya or the personal. The only mention of it appeared in Go Weekly and it contained a three-line summary about him gotten hit and currently recuperating in hospital but nothing about rape or which hospital he was in. After five days his condition got better and the doctors considered him able to leave the ward. He still had to go into the Hospital for vaccination against the virus every second day. They said he was lucky to have had his infection discovered in time so the virus couldn’t multiply in his organism to aggravate the illness. And that it was the less dangerous type of hepatitis.
I had a busy schedule for those weeks, I was rarely at home though I wished it wouldn’t be like that. He insisted on that he doesn’t need me baby-sitting him by forfeiting my matches and abandoning my tutoring. His owns were rescheduled after I've informed the institute of the 'accident' he was in, but he also could busy himself with arranging the moving since I agreed on it and - like mentioned before - he had to go to the hospital every now and then. Now it wasn’t strange that he had no wish to go out alone to the streets after the sun has fallen, so I asked Isumi at times he had to, to accompany him. And he did. Surprisingly Waya also offered his help though he couldn’t stand Touya's guts. Seemed like the situation had changed somehow for he hadn’t shown hostility towards him anymore. He even told him about the incident that I was in after arriving in the hospital on that fateful night - all thanks to his father. Of course Touya was mad at me because I haven’t told him myself, but he seemed to accept the explanation about how I feared his reaction because it was his father who did that.
On our last night in my old apartment I arrived home late like usually. I found him still awake and waiting for me with diner. He even cooked ramen though I knew he didn’t like it particularly. I smiled hungrily 'cause I've thought I would have to eat sandwiches again and it was a pleasant surprise to discover that I am going to have a warm meal and my favorite food to boot. I washed my hands in haste (for I didn’t want him to tell me off because of table manners again) and proceeded to sit down on the other side of the table facing him, grinning at his seemingly disapproving grimace when I put a mountain of pasta on my plate. He always told me that I exaggerate with my love for ramen and I eat too much against what should be healthy and reasonable. However, he also always cooked an extra amount for me alone.
We ate up in silence (only the occasionally slurping was audible). When my plate was clean again, I leant back and patted my full stomach with a satisfied grunt. "Thank you for the meal!" I said and closing my lids because of the tiredness suddenly overwhelming me. I heard him stand up and rattle with the dishes. I opened my eyes and put my hand on his forearm reaching for my plate to stop his movement.
"Leave it there, I will do it later!" I said.
He slowly shook his head. "We are moving tomorrow, the dishes must have been dried and packed when the transport arrives, so it must be done now."
"Wrong! The truck won't be here until ten, so we will have plenty of time for that. Now I feel, we have to do more important things."
"What's more important?" he asked bemused, but his hand didn’t stop. I've got the feeling, he clutched the plate to himself because he wanted to free his arm from my touch. But he was nervous, the clattering of the china in his hands gave him away.
I tried to smile at him to get him relaxed. I didn’t intend to scold him or something the sort. "What's the cause you cooked ramen for me? I know you wanted for me to be happy when you have to say or do something that would make me sad…" '… you're just like a wife in that manner,' I thought remembering my mom often doing the same with my dad thinking he hadn’t already figured her out. I was grinning even more and that got him more confused. But I got him to put down the dishes and turn his attention to me.
We walked into the bedroom and sat down on the futons that were laid down for the night for my bed and the other pieces of our furniture were neatly packed and shoved together in the middle of the living room. It was the first night after he moved in there that we were going to sleep in the same room. And I couldn’t help to prevent old memories to arise in my head at the thought of sleeping with him once again, though not under the same blanket.
"I'm listening," I said leaning back on my futon, my arms folded under my head and my eyes staring at the ceiling. I knew it made for him easier to talk when he didn’t feel my gaze on him.
"I only wanted to ask your forgiveness because of the things I said before I left you and then got…" he didn’t finish, but I certainly knew what he was talking about. I sat up surprised.
"I know, you were upset, and I understand and all… But why now?" I asked in confusion. He didn’t look at me directly; his gaze was fixated at one point in the height of my bellybutton and his fingers fumbled nervously with the corner of his blanket.
"Lately I have talked a lot with Waya-san. He told things about you I didn’t even thought of and I was surprised how little I knew about you. I mean, _really_ knew."
My mouth went dry all of a sudden. "He told things to you, like what?" I asked anxiously.
He looked at me for a second then diverted his gaze nervously. "That I wasn’t right accusing you not to understand my feelings. I was wrong when I believed that you never have felt something akin love. I always thought that you couldn’t return my feelings for you are just not the type to fall deeply in love with someone. You like people, that’s okay, but you have never felt anything intense for anyone. Never got hurt because of love…"
He fell silent. I looked at him directly. "And now that you know better?" I asked.
"I just wanted to ask your forgiveness. I know it doesn’t prove me a good person to assume something like that when I didn’t know the truth, and I didn’t have the right to accuse you that even if I believed I was right."
"That's true." I said my voice suddenly harsh. I didn’t want it to sound like that. I didn’t want him to think I was still angry with him for what happened in a weak moment.
He shuddered a little but didn’t stop.
"If you won't forgive me, I can understand that just as well." His voice also cracked and I felt a hint of coldness slipping into it, and it shook me out of my mind. What was I doing again? I didn’t want him to feel anxious about me, now did I? Then why was the conversation slowly drifting into that way? Because I let it.
"It hurt me when you said it." I whispered softly but in the silence of the nearly empty room it echoed with a meaningful dullness. Finally my words made him look at me. I wanted him to see me that I am not lying when I told him how I really felt, I wanted him to understand. So I locked my eyes deep into his and proceeded with my speech. "It hurt that you were thinking of me being that shallow. But you couldn’t know better, I haven’t told you the truth about myself, I let you believe I was like that. It is just what everyone believes… But after you left, I realized that it didn’t matter anymore. You hurt me because I have hurt you and I did it intentionally. Even now I think that I was right with what I said, but that didn’t ever matter, for I was just as wrong as you were. So if you want me to forgive you then you have to forgive me first."
Wow! That was a long speech, kinda something my mom or Isumi would hold.
For a while we were just sitting there in silence, contemplating about the words issued. Then I heard him shift in his position. He laughed softly. "So we were both wrong. How convenient!"
I looked up at him. "I know. But give it a rest now, let's not overcomplicate things unnecessarily. I am tired…" I stood up yawning and stretching my muscles to indicate that I _really_ was tired and wanted to go to sleep now.
"Don’t!" he started me when he stood up abruptly and put his hand on my shoulder to stop me from going to the bathroom. "I don’t want to end it like that! It only leaves more anxiety and confusion in both of us. And I haven’t said yet what I wanted to."
I turned back to look at him. His face wore a frown. "Ok, then say it!" I told him.
"I… I cannot just say it, you have to listen to me!"
"Proceed! I am listening."
He paled suddenly and pulled back the hand that was resting on my shoulder in a movement that betrayed his uncertainty. He turned his glance to stare on his feet and went silent. 'Great!' I thought. 'What did I commit in my previous life to deserve that?'
"Speak up, or you will find me sleeping when you finally feel up to it!" I growled annoyed.
"It's about that promise… " he said still looking at the ground. "You don’t have to keep it, I know you only said it because you thought that if you didn’t I might have done something maybe even suicide. So it isn’t valid, it was forced. I set you free of it."
"You want me to break my word?" I asked now really irritated. "And you think, I lied to you. That's just fine!"
"No Shindo! You seam to completely misunderstand everything I say! Or are you doing it intentionally?" he looked at me suspiciously. I grinned.
"Come on! Let's sleep! It's damn late!" I yawned. I could tell he was utterly perplexed, but at least he wasn’t cynical and gloomy anymore. "My brain isn’t working when I am tired, let's discuss that another time!" I said when he opened his mouth most likely to protest against.
He sighed but for now he was willing to abandon the topic.
While I was busy with brushing my teeth and taking a fast shower I heard the water running and china rattling out of the kitchen that indicated he _had_ to take care of the dishes before we went to sleep. I stifled a giggle as I stepped out of the bath to let him in and lay down on my futon. It was uncomfortable and strange to sleep on a futon when I practically never slept on one in my whole life except school trips and like. I was still squirming to find a passably comfortable position when he stepped in wearing his usual pajamas, and slipped under his blanket. I didn’t want to disturb his sleep so I forced me to stop wiggling but next time I just caught myself doing that again.
"Troubles falling asleep?" Touya asked in a quiet voice.
I yawned in response. "Just need some time to adjust myself… It's kinda hard. The futon I mean."
"You want my pillow?"
"No thanks." 'Just why was he offering?' I pondered… "You're afraid, I won't let you sleep?"
He growled confirming me. "You're capable of staying awake the whole night and making… noises to hinder me by sleeping."
"It's not that I do it intentionally!" I frowned.
Silence. I shifted to my side but it didn’t help. Then I tried on my stomach and the floor was hurting my pelvis bone. Then I shifted back to my backside.
"Stop that!" I heard an annoyed Touya sitting up and I virtually felt his intense stare on me. He crawled out from under his blanket and next minute I felt his hands on my arms pulling me out as well. When I got out confused he took my futon and placed it on his own then spread his blanket on the top, placed the pillows next to the other on the head-side and showed me towards the wacky construction.
"Lay down and be quiet!" he ordered then covered me with my blanket and crawled into the "nest" from the other side. He turned his back to me and tried to sleep ignoring the wiggling on his left.
"Um… Thank you, Touya!" I said. It was that much better! Almost like sleeping in my bed. With him… 'Haven't done a long time!' I thought. I felt happy about it. That it wasn’t needed. But now I realized that somehow I really had missed it. The warmth of a person next to one. The feeling of the other person turning resulting in a slight touch on one's shoulder. The warm, regular stroke of even breathing brushing on one's skin. The undertone sound of a heart beating resonating with one's own coming out of the ribcage pressed to one's side. An arm thrown over one's hips, Cuddling and snuggling, just like Touya did…
I froze and woke up from the half-asleep state I was in when I recognized that in the mean time he somehow moved in his sleep and now was spread out half over me. Oh, the futon wasn’t half the size of my bed. There wasn’t much space. Or nearly no space to move.
I contemplated on waking him just a little but I figured he would be mad at me, and possible be fully awake. So I shrugged mentally and let him stay like he was. It wasn’t _that_ unpleasant, I thought before I drifted into sleep as well.
Not at that time at least, but next morning…
"You were pawing me while I slept!" that was his first sentence after he opened his eyes.
"Good morning to you as well!" I smirked. "But if you want it in detail, I wasn’t the one to start it, you were the first who crawled full on top of me while I tried to fall asleep."
"That's not true!" he exclaimed.
"You wanna say, I'm lying? Then why are you still holding on to me?"
He looked at me pouting. "You are laying on my arm." He said. That was true; his arm was thrown over my chest and crooked under my shoulder. Not that he couldn’t move it. I shuddered. "Just like you are laying on mine." I patted his back with said arm and simultaneously pulled him closer.
His eyes went wide as he felt my grip tighten. I grinned and shut my eyelids. "Don’t move! I wanna sleep a little bit more till we have time!" I said and pretended to be dozed off already. He didn’t protest. Instead he also drifted back into a light slumber. I slowly opened my eyes to look at him and saw a faint smile bending his light-colored lips.
That was the last occasion for a long time I witnessed him smile in honest.
…..
The moving went without complications since it was so well planned by him. The furnishings from his old apartment were transported there the day before and we were finished with arranging them quite early in the afternoon. Only the cleaning remained, but I succeeded coaxing him into a dinner at the nearby restaurant before we did that. Unfortunately we met Ochi and Kuwabara there. We exchanged a nod for greeting but didn’t want to sit at their table for we weren’t invited and were glad about that. We chose a place in a quiet corner far from them. Regardless, for nearly one and a half hour they were throwing pointed glances at us and it was evident that they were speaking about us. Touya was uncomfortable and though I tried to pretend not to notice their discomforting attention, I felt just as uneasy and finished my meal quickly. We didn’t eat dessert just paid and left.
"Uh! What was that about?!" I exclaimed when we were outside after a few hurried steps.
"I don’t know," he shuddered. "Can we go home?" he asked then. I wasn’t protesting.
After we arrived home, we did the cleaning and went straight to bed. I wasn’t sleeping very well that night, and I heard him squirming from the other side of the wall. Well after midnight I was still up and went into the kitchen for a glass of water when I heard footsteps behind me.
"Cannot sleep?" I asked like he asked just a night before.
"It's nothing new," he said, "I don’t sleep well since…" he stopped and I felt awkward.
I must admit it never occurred me that that single event could have affected him so much to cause him sleepless nights. I didn’t think it was much different from the other incidences when he actually _let_ that happen. Maybe it was different because he never realized before that he was helplessly and utterly submitted to the will of others. Maybe he thought that he had the situation under control? I haven’t thought about asking him but knowing him, I assumed, he did. However, it was just another scar on his already wounded soul. I sighed in frustration.
"Last night though you slept like a baby!" I muttered slowly.
He turned away his head but I saw a faint blush on his cheeks. "That was because… it was too warm with you under the same blanket and the heat made me."
I looked at him speechless for a moment. That was the weirdest explanation I ever heard. Like he was ashamed of that he found my presence reassuring and comforting enough to be able to forget his fears and discomfort for a good night sleep. I knew he did but he wouldn’t admit it, because he was just too… Touya-ish.
"Is your futon soft enough? Maybe you cannot sleep because it's hard…" I said slowly.
He looked down at his feet and gulped. "Maybe…" he nodded tentatively.
"Then you can sleep in my bed till you buy another one…" I offered.
He looked at the floor hesitating, with wide eyes and I could not ignore the fear I saw in them. He was scared of accepting my offer. Thinking maybe that he would became too addicted to the feel of me being there. That it would be more difficult to sleep on his own again after this night. But he was just as scared of being alone and tempted to throw away his reluctance.
I must admit, I felt a little uneasy myself, not knowing (or knowing just too well) where the situation could lead eventually; and contemplating that if I care about him I shouldn’t do that because it would become worse for him in the long run. But at that moment, looking at his shrinking features, I felt an urge to protect him and soothe him and I couldn’t think of anything else.
"Just this one night…" he whispered. I nodded though he couldn’t see me since he wasn’t looking at me, perhaps too ashamed, because he just admitted that he needs me in that way. I felt him already questioning his mind and maybe contemplating about backing out.
"Then come, we really should be sleeping now!" I grabbed his arm and lead him into my room before he could say anything else. After we were under the blanket, I threw an arm around his waist and pulled him close without a word, like it would be a natural thing to do so. I heard him gasping but after the initial shock he loosened his muscles and let me comfort him. He was grateful for not questioning and not embarrassing him more and drifted almost instantly into sleep.
Like on many nights before I listened to his even breathing and stared into the darkness of my room for several hours.
When I woke up on the next day, he was already gone. I found a note on the kitchen table he wrote. It read that he went to the hospital but would be home at the time we awaited Isumi and Waya for a visit. We didn’t plan a big house-warming event. I suggested that we could have a party with my friends (he said, he didn’t have anyone besides me) and also invite various people from the Go world, so he wouldn’t feel out of place. But he just frowned and tried to tell me politely that he wasn’t interested in a party. I think he meant he didn’t want to have people inquiring about his 'accident' and look suspiciously at him. Not to mention questions about why we were moving in together in the same apartment. As I remembered the glances Ochi and Kuwabara gave us a day ago, I thought it was possibly better that I had agreed to his request. They didn’t know us enough to understand. So we ended up inviting only Waya and Isumi.
I allowed myself to sleep in a little since I had practically nothing to do that day - at least nothing official. I managed to rearrange my schedules to have a day off for I suspected to get more troubles with the moving. Now I had time to relax and prepare everything for the evening. When I was at it, I went to buy groceries and dropped by the dry-cleaner's to fetch our suits we gave in last week. Home again, I called my parents' house and chatted with them half an hour promising that I would visit next time. My mom asked something about Touya, but her voice indicated that she didn’t want to meddle with our life only wanted me to know that she cared. I was grateful for her concern but I gave her the standard reply that he is fine and everything is all right. I didn’t want to load my problems at her; somehow I felt that she wouldn’t understand even if I told her and that I had to deal with them on my own.
After I put down the receiver I stood up to go to the kitchen, but then a thought slipped into my mind. I sat back and looked at the phone before deciding whether it was a good idea what I intended to do; then settling my resolve I picked up the receiver again and dialed a number that I still remembered from long ago.
"Touya residence" I heard a middle-aged female voice from the other end of the line. I cleared my throat and called: "Mrs. Touya? Here speaks Shindo Hikaru."
I heard silence echoing through the line then the voice answered in a slightly nervous and definitely repressed tone. "Touya Akiko here. Shindo-kun? Why did you call? Has something happened to Akira-san?"
"No, nothing happened. Don’t worry! I just thought… maybe if you want to see him… maybe you didn’t know that he moved to another address now…" I stammered. I didn’t know what to say, but as I felt chilly sweat dropping down my spine, I was overly glad that it wasn’t Touya's dad who answered the phone.
"Oh…" she said then stopped. "I would like…" her voice chocked. "… but I cannot. I have to put down now! Please, take care of him in my place!" she whispered in a hurriedly muttered tirade then I heard a click and the connection broke.
I put down the phone silently cursing about my idiocy. Just what did I think? 'Touya must not learn about this!' I thought desperately. But at least now I knew that his mother still cared for him. Except that she sounded really scared when she heard my name. I thought of thousand causes why she would be that, but I couldn’t think clearly, the adrenaline was still rushing in my veins and I still felt the blood pulsate in my temple. I looked at the clock an decided to put the matter away for another time to think over for I had to prepare the dinner for our friends visit.
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Author's note: I know! It's awful! The story of this part doesn’t seem to give a whole and it's too long for the poor content. I don’t know if it's not finished or maybe I shouldn’t even have posted it, but for now I just couldn’t think of anything else. Some things needed to be said and others to initiate the main plot that is just about to take shape. Things will develop later in this chapter (that didn’t end even with this part -- booo!). So expect another part of chapter 4 that will be more eventful since this one contained mere sap (though a little angsty I must admit). Now I am confused and perhaps I will rewrite the whole part later when my mind works again. I have only one excuse for this junk: I didn’t want to delay more since I promised that I would put up the next part a week after the first and I exceeded the deadline with nearly one week now. Huh! You can send me flames, I don’t mind, since even I am not content with it, but I would like better if I read some constructive opinions between the scoldings.
Oh! And before I forget: thanks for grammar and spelling corrections. I still appreciate them!
(a little ashamed) Stray
Chapter 04
Concerning them (the promised part II.)
by Stray
21. 11. 2003
rating: R
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi hints, pairing: HxA, IxW
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Another WARNING: contains errors since I just finished it and didn’t have the time to reread and correct it!
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After he woke up Touya had to remain for five more days in the hospital. He was questioned by the police (the same two officers who took me in custody) and gave them his statement about the incident. He also told them he didn’t want to denounce his attackers and wants to put the matter to rest. They seemed to show more sympathy towards him like I thought they would and didn’t force him. They understood he isn’t particularly determined to let the wide public know about that embarrassing incident. They also seemed to feel a bit ashamed of their former attitude towards me and were careful to be very polite with their words when they were about to question me.
Thank God, the reporters haven’t got any hint of the occurrence and there weren’t any in the hospital inquiring me or Touya or the personal. The only mention of it appeared in Go Weekly and it contained a three-line summary about him gotten hit and currently recuperating in hospital but nothing about rape or which hospital he was in. After five days his condition got better and the doctors considered him able to leave the ward. He still had to go into the Hospital for vaccination against the virus every second day. They said he was lucky to have had his infection discovered in time so the virus couldn’t multiply in his organism to aggravate the illness. And that it was the less dangerous type of hepatitis.
I had a busy schedule for those weeks, I was rarely at home though I wished it wouldn’t be like that. He insisted on that he doesn’t need me baby-sitting him by forfeiting my matches and abandoning my tutoring. His owns were rescheduled after I've informed the institute of the 'accident' he was in, but he also could busy himself with arranging the moving since I agreed on it and - like mentioned before - he had to go to the hospital every now and then. Now it wasn’t strange that he had no wish to go out alone to the streets after the sun has fallen, so I asked Isumi at times he had to, to accompany him. And he did. Surprisingly Waya also offered his help though he couldn’t stand Touya's guts. Seemed like the situation had changed somehow for he hadn’t shown hostility towards him anymore. He even told him about the incident that I was in after arriving in the hospital on that fateful night - all thanks to his father. Of course Touya was mad at me because I haven’t told him myself, but he seemed to accept the explanation about how I feared his reaction because it was his father who did that.
On our last night in my old apartment I arrived home late like usually. I found him still awake and waiting for me with diner. He even cooked ramen though I knew he didn’t like it particularly. I smiled hungrily 'cause I've thought I would have to eat sandwiches again and it was a pleasant surprise to discover that I am going to have a warm meal and my favorite food to boot. I washed my hands in haste (for I didn’t want him to tell me off because of table manners again) and proceeded to sit down on the other side of the table facing him, grinning at his seemingly disapproving grimace when I put a mountain of pasta on my plate. He always told me that I exaggerate with my love for ramen and I eat too much against what should be healthy and reasonable. However, he also always cooked an extra amount for me alone.
We ate up in silence (only the occasionally slurping was audible). When my plate was clean again, I leant back and patted my full stomach with a satisfied grunt. "Thank you for the meal!" I said and closing my lids because of the tiredness suddenly overwhelming me. I heard him stand up and rattle with the dishes. I opened my eyes and put my hand on his forearm reaching for my plate to stop his movement.
"Leave it there, I will do it later!" I said.
He slowly shook his head. "We are moving tomorrow, the dishes must have been dried and packed when the transport arrives, so it must be done now."
"Wrong! The truck won't be here until ten, so we will have plenty of time for that. Now I feel, we have to do more important things."
"What's more important?" he asked bemused, but his hand didn’t stop. I've got the feeling, he clutched the plate to himself because he wanted to free his arm from my touch. But he was nervous, the clattering of the china in his hands gave him away.
I tried to smile at him to get him relaxed. I didn’t intend to scold him or something the sort. "What's the cause you cooked ramen for me? I know you wanted for me to be happy when you have to say or do something that would make me sad…" '… you're just like a wife in that manner,' I thought remembering my mom often doing the same with my dad thinking he hadn’t already figured her out. I was grinning even more and that got him more confused. But I got him to put down the dishes and turn his attention to me.
We walked into the bedroom and sat down on the futons that were laid down for the night for my bed and the other pieces of our furniture were neatly packed and shoved together in the middle of the living room. It was the first night after he moved in there that we were going to sleep in the same room. And I couldn’t help to prevent old memories to arise in my head at the thought of sleeping with him once again, though not under the same blanket.
"I'm listening," I said leaning back on my futon, my arms folded under my head and my eyes staring at the ceiling. I knew it made for him easier to talk when he didn’t feel my gaze on him.
"I only wanted to ask your forgiveness because of the things I said before I left you and then got…" he didn’t finish, but I certainly knew what he was talking about. I sat up surprised.
"I know, you were upset, and I understand and all… But why now?" I asked in confusion. He didn’t look at me directly; his gaze was fixated at one point in the height of my bellybutton and his fingers fumbled nervously with the corner of his blanket.
"Lately I have talked a lot with Waya-san. He told things about you I didn’t even thought of and I was surprised how little I knew about you. I mean, _really_ knew."
My mouth went dry all of a sudden. "He told things to you, like what?" I asked anxiously.
He looked at me for a second then diverted his gaze nervously. "That I wasn’t right accusing you not to understand my feelings. I was wrong when I believed that you never have felt something akin love. I always thought that you couldn’t return my feelings for you are just not the type to fall deeply in love with someone. You like people, that’s okay, but you have never felt anything intense for anyone. Never got hurt because of love…"
He fell silent. I looked at him directly. "And now that you know better?" I asked.
"I just wanted to ask your forgiveness. I know it doesn’t prove me a good person to assume something like that when I didn’t know the truth, and I didn’t have the right to accuse you that even if I believed I was right."
"That's true." I said my voice suddenly harsh. I didn’t want it to sound like that. I didn’t want him to think I was still angry with him for what happened in a weak moment.
He shuddered a little but didn’t stop.
"If you won't forgive me, I can understand that just as well." His voice also cracked and I felt a hint of coldness slipping into it, and it shook me out of my mind. What was I doing again? I didn’t want him to feel anxious about me, now did I? Then why was the conversation slowly drifting into that way? Because I let it.
"It hurt me when you said it." I whispered softly but in the silence of the nearly empty room it echoed with a meaningful dullness. Finally my words made him look at me. I wanted him to see me that I am not lying when I told him how I really felt, I wanted him to understand. So I locked my eyes deep into his and proceeded with my speech. "It hurt that you were thinking of me being that shallow. But you couldn’t know better, I haven’t told you the truth about myself, I let you believe I was like that. It is just what everyone believes… But after you left, I realized that it didn’t matter anymore. You hurt me because I have hurt you and I did it intentionally. Even now I think that I was right with what I said, but that didn’t ever matter, for I was just as wrong as you were. So if you want me to forgive you then you have to forgive me first."
Wow! That was a long speech, kinda something my mom or Isumi would hold.
For a while we were just sitting there in silence, contemplating about the words issued. Then I heard him shift in his position. He laughed softly. "So we were both wrong. How convenient!"
I looked up at him. "I know. But give it a rest now, let's not overcomplicate things unnecessarily. I am tired…" I stood up yawning and stretching my muscles to indicate that I _really_ was tired and wanted to go to sleep now.
"Don’t!" he started me when he stood up abruptly and put his hand on my shoulder to stop me from going to the bathroom. "I don’t want to end it like that! It only leaves more anxiety and confusion in both of us. And I haven’t said yet what I wanted to."
I turned back to look at him. His face wore a frown. "Ok, then say it!" I told him.
"I… I cannot just say it, you have to listen to me!"
"Proceed! I am listening."
He paled suddenly and pulled back the hand that was resting on my shoulder in a movement that betrayed his uncertainty. He turned his glance to stare on his feet and went silent. 'Great!' I thought. 'What did I commit in my previous life to deserve that?'
"Speak up, or you will find me sleeping when you finally feel up to it!" I growled annoyed.
"It's about that promise… " he said still looking at the ground. "You don’t have to keep it, I know you only said it because you thought that if you didn’t I might have done something maybe even suicide. So it isn’t valid, it was forced. I set you free of it."
"You want me to break my word?" I asked now really irritated. "And you think, I lied to you. That's just fine!"
"No Shindo! You seam to completely misunderstand everything I say! Or are you doing it intentionally?" he looked at me suspiciously. I grinned.
"Come on! Let's sleep! It's damn late!" I yawned. I could tell he was utterly perplexed, but at least he wasn’t cynical and gloomy anymore. "My brain isn’t working when I am tired, let's discuss that another time!" I said when he opened his mouth most likely to protest against.
He sighed but for now he was willing to abandon the topic.
While I was busy with brushing my teeth and taking a fast shower I heard the water running and china rattling out of the kitchen that indicated he _had_ to take care of the dishes before we went to sleep. I stifled a giggle as I stepped out of the bath to let him in and lay down on my futon. It was uncomfortable and strange to sleep on a futon when I practically never slept on one in my whole life except school trips and like. I was still squirming to find a passably comfortable position when he stepped in wearing his usual pajamas, and slipped under his blanket. I didn’t want to disturb his sleep so I forced me to stop wiggling but next time I just caught myself doing that again.
"Troubles falling asleep?" Touya asked in a quiet voice.
I yawned in response. "Just need some time to adjust myself… It's kinda hard. The futon I mean."
"You want my pillow?"
"No thanks." 'Just why was he offering?' I pondered… "You're afraid, I won't let you sleep?"
He growled confirming me. "You're capable of staying awake the whole night and making… noises to hinder me by sleeping."
"It's not that I do it intentionally!" I frowned.
Silence. I shifted to my side but it didn’t help. Then I tried on my stomach and the floor was hurting my pelvis bone. Then I shifted back to my backside.
"Stop that!" I heard an annoyed Touya sitting up and I virtually felt his intense stare on me. He crawled out from under his blanket and next minute I felt his hands on my arms pulling me out as well. When I got out confused he took my futon and placed it on his own then spread his blanket on the top, placed the pillows next to the other on the head-side and showed me towards the wacky construction.
"Lay down and be quiet!" he ordered then covered me with my blanket and crawled into the "nest" from the other side. He turned his back to me and tried to sleep ignoring the wiggling on his left.
"Um… Thank you, Touya!" I said. It was that much better! Almost like sleeping in my bed. With him… 'Haven't done a long time!' I thought. I felt happy about it. That it wasn’t needed. But now I realized that somehow I really had missed it. The warmth of a person next to one. The feeling of the other person turning resulting in a slight touch on one's shoulder. The warm, regular stroke of even breathing brushing on one's skin. The undertone sound of a heart beating resonating with one's own coming out of the ribcage pressed to one's side. An arm thrown over one's hips, Cuddling and snuggling, just like Touya did…
I froze and woke up from the half-asleep state I was in when I recognized that in the mean time he somehow moved in his sleep and now was spread out half over me. Oh, the futon wasn’t half the size of my bed. There wasn’t much space. Or nearly no space to move.
I contemplated on waking him just a little but I figured he would be mad at me, and possible be fully awake. So I shrugged mentally and let him stay like he was. It wasn’t _that_ unpleasant, I thought before I drifted into sleep as well.
Not at that time at least, but next morning…
"You were pawing me while I slept!" that was his first sentence after he opened his eyes.
"Good morning to you as well!" I smirked. "But if you want it in detail, I wasn’t the one to start it, you were the first who crawled full on top of me while I tried to fall asleep."
"That's not true!" he exclaimed.
"You wanna say, I'm lying? Then why are you still holding on to me?"
He looked at me pouting. "You are laying on my arm." He said. That was true; his arm was thrown over my chest and crooked under my shoulder. Not that he couldn’t move it. I shuddered. "Just like you are laying on mine." I patted his back with said arm and simultaneously pulled him closer.
His eyes went wide as he felt my grip tighten. I grinned and shut my eyelids. "Don’t move! I wanna sleep a little bit more till we have time!" I said and pretended to be dozed off already. He didn’t protest. Instead he also drifted back into a light slumber. I slowly opened my eyes to look at him and saw a faint smile bending his light-colored lips.
That was the last occasion for a long time I witnessed him smile in honest.
…..
The moving went without complications since it was so well planned by him. The furnishings from his old apartment were transported there the day before and we were finished with arranging them quite early in the afternoon. Only the cleaning remained, but I succeeded coaxing him into a dinner at the nearby restaurant before we did that. Unfortunately we met Ochi and Kuwabara there. We exchanged a nod for greeting but didn’t want to sit at their table for we weren’t invited and were glad about that. We chose a place in a quiet corner far from them. Regardless, for nearly one and a half hour they were throwing pointed glances at us and it was evident that they were speaking about us. Touya was uncomfortable and though I tried to pretend not to notice their discomforting attention, I felt just as uneasy and finished my meal quickly. We didn’t eat dessert just paid and left.
"Uh! What was that about?!" I exclaimed when we were outside after a few hurried steps.
"I don’t know," he shuddered. "Can we go home?" he asked then. I wasn’t protesting.
After we arrived home, we did the cleaning and went straight to bed. I wasn’t sleeping very well that night, and I heard him squirming from the other side of the wall. Well after midnight I was still up and went into the kitchen for a glass of water when I heard footsteps behind me.
"Cannot sleep?" I asked like he asked just a night before.
"It's nothing new," he said, "I don’t sleep well since…" he stopped and I felt awkward.
I must admit it never occurred me that that single event could have affected him so much to cause him sleepless nights. I didn’t think it was much different from the other incidences when he actually _let_ that happen. Maybe it was different because he never realized before that he was helplessly and utterly submitted to the will of others. Maybe he thought that he had the situation under control? I haven’t thought about asking him but knowing him, I assumed, he did. However, it was just another scar on his already wounded soul. I sighed in frustration.
"Last night though you slept like a baby!" I muttered slowly.
He turned away his head but I saw a faint blush on his cheeks. "That was because… it was too warm with you under the same blanket and the heat made me."
I looked at him speechless for a moment. That was the weirdest explanation I ever heard. Like he was ashamed of that he found my presence reassuring and comforting enough to be able to forget his fears and discomfort for a good night sleep. I knew he did but he wouldn’t admit it, because he was just too… Touya-ish.
"Is your futon soft enough? Maybe you cannot sleep because it's hard…" I said slowly.
He looked down at his feet and gulped. "Maybe…" he nodded tentatively.
"Then you can sleep in my bed till you buy another one…" I offered.
He looked at the floor hesitating, with wide eyes and I could not ignore the fear I saw in them. He was scared of accepting my offer. Thinking maybe that he would became too addicted to the feel of me being there. That it would be more difficult to sleep on his own again after this night. But he was just as scared of being alone and tempted to throw away his reluctance.
I must admit, I felt a little uneasy myself, not knowing (or knowing just too well) where the situation could lead eventually; and contemplating that if I care about him I shouldn’t do that because it would become worse for him in the long run. But at that moment, looking at his shrinking features, I felt an urge to protect him and soothe him and I couldn’t think of anything else.
"Just this one night…" he whispered. I nodded though he couldn’t see me since he wasn’t looking at me, perhaps too ashamed, because he just admitted that he needs me in that way. I felt him already questioning his mind and maybe contemplating about backing out.
"Then come, we really should be sleeping now!" I grabbed his arm and lead him into my room before he could say anything else. After we were under the blanket, I threw an arm around his waist and pulled him close without a word, like it would be a natural thing to do so. I heard him gasping but after the initial shock he loosened his muscles and let me comfort him. He was grateful for not questioning and not embarrassing him more and drifted almost instantly into sleep.
Like on many nights before I listened to his even breathing and stared into the darkness of my room for several hours.
When I woke up on the next day, he was already gone. I found a note on the kitchen table he wrote. It read that he went to the hospital but would be home at the time we awaited Isumi and Waya for a visit. We didn’t plan a big house-warming event. I suggested that we could have a party with my friends (he said, he didn’t have anyone besides me) and also invite various people from the Go world, so he wouldn’t feel out of place. But he just frowned and tried to tell me politely that he wasn’t interested in a party. I think he meant he didn’t want to have people inquiring about his 'accident' and look suspiciously at him. Not to mention questions about why we were moving in together in the same apartment. As I remembered the glances Ochi and Kuwabara gave us a day ago, I thought it was possibly better that I had agreed to his request. They didn’t know us enough to understand. So we ended up inviting only Waya and Isumi.
I allowed myself to sleep in a little since I had practically nothing to do that day - at least nothing official. I managed to rearrange my schedules to have a day off for I suspected to get more troubles with the moving. Now I had time to relax and prepare everything for the evening. When I was at it, I went to buy groceries and dropped by the dry-cleaner's to fetch our suits we gave in last week. Home again, I called my parents' house and chatted with them half an hour promising that I would visit next time. My mom asked something about Touya, but her voice indicated that she didn’t want to meddle with our life only wanted me to know that she cared. I was grateful for her concern but I gave her the standard reply that he is fine and everything is all right. I didn’t want to load my problems at her; somehow I felt that she wouldn’t understand even if I told her and that I had to deal with them on my own.
After I put down the receiver I stood up to go to the kitchen, but then a thought slipped into my mind. I sat back and looked at the phone before deciding whether it was a good idea what I intended to do; then settling my resolve I picked up the receiver again and dialed a number that I still remembered from long ago.
"Touya residence" I heard a middle-aged female voice from the other end of the line. I cleared my throat and called: "Mrs. Touya? Here speaks Shindo Hikaru."
I heard silence echoing through the line then the voice answered in a slightly nervous and definitely repressed tone. "Touya Akiko here. Shindo-kun? Why did you call? Has something happened to Akira-san?"
"No, nothing happened. Don’t worry! I just thought… maybe if you want to see him… maybe you didn’t know that he moved to another address now…" I stammered. I didn’t know what to say, but as I felt chilly sweat dropping down my spine, I was overly glad that it wasn’t Touya's dad who answered the phone.
"Oh…" she said then stopped. "I would like…" her voice chocked. "… but I cannot. I have to put down now! Please, take care of him in my place!" she whispered in a hurriedly muttered tirade then I heard a click and the connection broke.
I put down the phone silently cursing about my idiocy. Just what did I think? 'Touya must not learn about this!' I thought desperately. But at least now I knew that his mother still cared for him. Except that she sounded really scared when she heard my name. I thought of thousand causes why she would be that, but I couldn’t think clearly, the adrenaline was still rushing in my veins and I still felt the blood pulsate in my temple. I looked at the clock an decided to put the matter away for another time to think over for I had to prepare the dinner for our friends visit.
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Author's note: I know! It's awful! The story of this part doesn’t seem to give a whole and it's too long for the poor content. I don’t know if it's not finished or maybe I shouldn’t even have posted it, but for now I just couldn’t think of anything else. Some things needed to be said and others to initiate the main plot that is just about to take shape. Things will develop later in this chapter (that didn’t end even with this part -- booo!). So expect another part of chapter 4 that will be more eventful since this one contained mere sap (though a little angsty I must admit). Now I am confused and perhaps I will rewrite the whole part later when my mind works again. I have only one excuse for this junk: I didn’t want to delay more since I promised that I would put up the next part a week after the first and I exceeded the deadline with nearly one week now. Huh! You can send me flames, I don’t mind, since even I am not content with it, but I would like better if I read some constructive opinions between the scoldings.
Oh! And before I forget: thanks for grammar and spelling corrections. I still appreciate them!
(a little ashamed) Stray