Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ Concerning him ❯ Concerning them (part IV.) ( Chapter 8 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: Stray 
Anime/Manga: Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Hentai / Psychological / Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 08.18.2004 | Pages: 4 | Words: 8.2K | Visits: 1.2K | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Hentai / Psychological / Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 08.18.2004 | Pages: 4 | Words: 8.2K | Visits: 1.2K | Status: Work In Progress
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Chapter 04
Concerning them (part IV.)
by Stray
17. 08. 2004
rating: R / NC-17
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi, pairing: HxA, IxW
Warning2: This part contains an actual lemon scene, which is graphic; hence I cut it out neatly form the version to be posted on FF.net. If you want to read the full (uncut ?) version, got to mediaminer.org (same fandom, same title, same author's name).
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"How did that happen?" I asked Isumi. Touya went into the bathroom to wash his face.
"Hard to tell," he said shrugging. But his face was serious and thoughtful. "I've spoken to Amano-san. He said, that the man was arrested two days ago. He was interviewed by a freelancer reporter who usually writes for gossip press. Then a minor article was published in a regional newspaper. After that the press was eager to interview the man, and the police gave permission for the man told them he would give the names of his accomplices if he could talk to the press. I think that's the summary of all this…"
"But why didn’t we know when he got caught?" I asked puzzled.
"Well, there would be an explanation. Namely that Touya revoked the charge and you haven’t told the police your new address and phone number, I guess?"
I scratched the back of my head embarrassed. Because he was right. "Not yet…"
We heard the water gushing from the bath and Isumi turned to face me. His expression turned suddenly more serious and I knew there was something more to the topic I didn’t know yet. I noted that in that moment the gazes of all who were present became fixated on us and the subtle chatting faded into an apprehensive silence.
"What else is there?" I asked frowning. Isumi opened his mouth but stayed silent for a moment before he began to tell me.
"There is a rumor inside the Go Institute that they want to suspend Touya for an undetermined length of time."
"What?" I nearly yelled. Then I remembered that he could hear. "What kind of explanation can they provide to justify that decision? Does he know about it?" I asked a bit quieter. I was stupefied and couldn’t believe that something like that could happen. No, it wasn’t right!
Isumi nodded. "He knows," he said solemnly. I understood only then that that must have been the reason why all the other pros were there.
"They already cancelled all his future games and didn’t schedule him another ones," he continued to tell me. "They haven’t excluded him yet, but…"
He didn’t need to continue. I understood what he meant.
At that moment Touya stepped out from the bath and came to me.
"So, you know now… " he said, not a question. I nodded silently.
It was the moment that everyone chose to inform me about the past days' events. I haven’t asked how anyone besides me knew about them. I learned that it was a decision they brought after the TV broadcast of the humiliation they call interview. It was a Thursday. Of course they would know about it, they all were there. And it was a coincidence that I wasn’t; being my match cancelled that day, because of the illness of my opponent. So I decided to have my tutoring rescheduled. Well, I couldn’t know better, could I?
They came to me one on one - Naze, Fuku, Honda, Saeki-san, even Kurata-san was there - or in pair whose came together like Akari and her husband, Mitani. I got from all the people either that they don’t believe in the crap the press wants to make believe about Touya, or that we mustn’t worry because it all will turn good in time. Like I heard my own words back. Only this time the one said it didn’t believe it would actually come true.
Did I?
I think I had to be grateful to these people because they were supporting us and not against us (whether they knew what they talked about or not). Apparently Touya didn’t feel like enlighten them about the whole situation, and who am I to question his decision. If he doesn’t want to tell them, then it's his right. So I tried to stay neutral and didn’t give them real answers to their question. And they didn’t force the topic knowing that Touya was near and could perhaps hear us. So everything was fine until that moment when Akari came to me.
We talked a few sentences about everyday matters and in the whole time I knew she wants to get out to something. She didn’t know how to ask and got every moment tenser and louder. Then she lost her patience and bluntly blurted out the query on me.
"You two aren’t really a couple, are you?"
Her voice just happened to be a little above the general noise level.
I literally felt the air freeze and all the sounds of chatting people die down around us as everyone focused their attention on the answer I was about to give her. My eyes caught the figure of Touya. His face was pale like lime and I couldn’t capture his gaze to give me directions about what my answer should be.
So I just laughed and said out loud: "What do you think?"
She begun to babble that she read every article about us and the comments we gave the reporters earlier about our living together but she didn’t seriously think it would be true. So in the end she ended up apologizing to us and I tapped her shoulder and gave her a forgiving smile and said "Nothing happened."
The general atmosphere became awkward afterwards. My eyes searched after Touya but I couldn’t find him anywhere. Then I spotted him sitting on the sofa in the same position as earlier when I entered our apartment.
"I don’t feel well, can you handle our guests?" he asked. I nodded and then he retreated into his room.
Seeing that all the people were squirming and preparing to leave, I thanked them for their supportive words and that they came and let them out of the flat. Finally only three people remained: Waya, Isumi and my mom.
"Thank you for coming." I said to them bowing my head. It was an unfamiliar move for me, even Waya noticed because he smiled encouraging and waved with his hand.
"It's time for us to go." Isumi said mimicking the smile of his friend.
Then I turned to my mom and wanted to say something. I must admit, I was afraid and a little embarrassed, but I wanted to be honest with her. Even if it hurt. I had faith in my parents; to know them enough that certain kind of revelations I was about to make wouldn’t quaver their love and thrust in me. But she was aware of my anxious and confused state because she went before me.
"It's OK," she said comfortingly.
I saw a flicker of sadness flashing through her eyes that I couldn’t quite place but then it disappeared and she looked at me with a genuine understanding and unshaken love. She laughed a little and said, she had known in a way that the two of us were a couple since we spent Christmas with them. I started to argument with her about it, explaining that we haven’t been then, but it served mainly for easing the tension and give both of us time to get accustomed with the fact that she knew now. Because I may have fooled other people with my comment giving them a way to think what they wanted to believe in, but not my mother.
At least they all left, Isumi offering mom to drive her home what I was thankful for.
I entered Touya's room. I found him sitting motionless on the floor on his heels, surrounded by semi-darkness and silence. The only light that penetrated the room was the faint, grayish gleam of the sun from behind thick clouds that covered the sky. Though it was afternoon, because of the gloomy weather it seemed like the moment just after the sun has set, when there is a bit of light lingering but the warm colors have already faded.
He looked at me and I stepped before him just centimeters away and crouched down to be in one level with him. Neither of us said a word he only looked at me and I couldn’t avert my gaze of his look. It seemed like sacrilege to break the silence. At least I just gave him a reassuring smile and offered my hand to help him up.
He took it but didn’t make any attempt to eventually stand up, just held it enclosed within his fingers. Slowly he diverted his gaze and looked at my hand like it was a custom of his, learnt from his father. I felt my smile reappear seeing this gesture. I lifted my other hand to brush some longish, black strains away covering his eyes as he bent his head.
"What are you thinking about?"
He didn’t look at me, his gaze still examining my hand.
"I'm sorry," he said in a flat voice.
My fingers lightly touched his cheek and he lifted his face to look at mine again. "What for?" I asked.
It felt strange to touch him like that - such intimacy and gentleness - almost awkward. As the strangeness of the feeling got stronger I couldn’t resist the sudden urge to detract my hand from his face, and however I tried to calm my motion it just seemed like a jerk.
Touya just looked at me with a hint of sadness in his gaze that seemed so tired of everything that happened lately. He could tell I was nervous.
"You don’t have to pretend anymore. I know it wasn’t for real." He looked at my hand again then put it down carefully like it were a fragile thing, then retracted his arm and lay his palms on his knees in an almost awkwardly controlled gesture. But his hands betrayed him; they were shaking.
I hung my head. I was really ashamed of myself thinking about how he must have felt right then. I really was careless last night. How could I think I could get away with all of it easily, knowing that there were emotions involved I should not stir up with deceivingly carefree moments? Like he could read my thoughts he answered right to what was on my mind.
"You must not blame yourself. We both were drunk. If I had been in the right state of my mind it would have never happened…"
"But to tell the truth, I don’t regret it, so you shouldn’t either if it's only for my case. I was really happy with that illusion, you gave me. Even if I know now that I cannot continue to pretend it was real. Not for me and of course even less for you. And that hurts, but it's a kind of good hurt. The moments I could spend with you will be always precious for me… even when they were a lie."
I was forgiven. But I didn’t feel relieved at all. In fact, his words made me feel a slight distress. I realized just in that moment that even I thought deep in my heart that this could be more than simple carnal desire between the two of us. And it saddened me to have been confronted with the reality. I had to admit to myself, that the previous night not only for him was an illusion, but in a way for me as well. However he was still my friend. Someone I cared for. And I wanted to do what was right for him.
I realized that I was looking the entire time on his hands, not in his eyes. They weren’t shaking that strong anymore; only a slight trembling that could also be caused by fatigue.
"And I'm sorry for making you worry about me."
I lifted my gaze to his face. I saw unshed tears glimmering in the corners of his eyes. He didn’t want me to see them, because he lowered his face so his hair was obscuring them. I turned my head to the side and took up slowly still not looking at him to not to embarrass him.
"It's only natural, that friends are worried for each other. If I hadn’t be worried, I couldn’t be calling myself a friend."
He nodded, but didn’t say anything in return, only made a hasty movement to wipe away a betraying teardrop rolling down his face that broke away from the restrains of tightly squeezed eyelids.
"I am about to make something for dinner." I said pretending that I haven’t noticed. "Feel up to helping me?"
"Go ahead! I will come right after." He said in a hoarse voice.
I did as he requested and closed the door of his bedroom after me.
Past ten minutes he really was there and took over some tasks silently, not asking what he should do. It was fine with me. I instinctively handed over the basic cooking chores to him as we were already used to do it, and kept the preparations and cleaning for me. We didn’t talk a word the whole time. They weren’t needed. We finished cooking in half an hour, but neither of us could eat much after what happened. Even I got a sour taste in my mouth.
After doing the dishes we sat down in the living room for a match or two of Go, but both of us played terribly, so it wasn’t a successful distraction either. It merely got us in a more depressed atmosphere then we were in before. So in the middle of our third game Touya only hissed disdainfully and stood up saying that it was enough for that night. I nodded and put the stones and the board back into their place in my room. When I got back, he already went to shower. I waited for the bathroom to empty watching some TV, but I switched between channels so I wouldn’t have to watch the news repeating the events of the afternoon.
Finally he came out in his pajamas and bade me good night.
I bathed and tried to relax in the hot water. It got me slack enough to be able to try some sleeping. I wound a towel around my hip and let the water down then went into my bedroom. On the way I couldn’t resist to stop before his door and place my ear to the wooden surface. I heard some barely audible but still distinctive weeping sounds coming out. My hand was on the lever but I hesitated. I thought that he definitely does not want me to bug in into his privacy. Crying is good, I thought, and understandable. It will help him to let down the tension and get a clear mind. So I walked instead into my room and lay down to my bed willing me that it will cease eventually and then both of us can sleep.
When you are lying in the dark and you can only hear the little noises of the nighttime streets, every little sound gets louder when you concentrate on it. After half an hour when I still could hear him cry I finally got up and went to his door. I didn’t knock, only pressed down the handle and stepped in. His curtains were not closed, so I could see the outlines of the objects in the room. But even without my sight I knew where his futon lay and what the layout of his room was like.
He hasn’t heard me coming, so he jerked away almost hysterically when I touched his shoulder under the blanket. I thought he would order me to go away and let him be alone, but he only turned to face me and lifted an arm towards my shoulder. I bent down and took him into an embrace burying his face in the crook of my shoulder. I tried to calm him so I cradled him and whispered some encouraging words into his ear, stroked his hair and the backside of his neck. His skin felt hot and the fine hair just under his hairline made the texture so unbelievably silky under my touch. I pressed my temple to the top of his head and inhaled the scent of his hair - it smelled like rain and wind.
Suddenly I felt warm, salty-wet lips touch my owns in a chaste kiss, that had somehow a desperate tinge. I didn’t resist or back up. I thought, he needed this to be able to forget about everything else, even if it was an illusion - as he himself said earlier. Then I realized that I also might have needed this.
The kiss didn’t grow deeper; it remained only by lips touching each other's, a little suckling and barely opening. It was slow, patient and reassuring. It lasted long minutes until the salty taste of his tears was completely gone. Then he drew back and looked at me in the dark with damp, glimmering eyes. He was hesitating; his mind and logic that told him to stop fought his instincts and feelings that wanted him to continue.
"I… we shouldn’t…" he said slowly.
"Maybe." I said in a hoarse voice and I was willing to stop anytime he wanted me to. Albeit his hesitation and the reluctance to his own words in his voice indicated otherwise.
I put my hand down on his pillow to support myself and felt the dampness of his shed tears soaked into the drapery of the bedding. It was overall, already turning cold and it must have been right uncomfortable to lie on. I didn’t hesitate much; I lifted him up and carried him over into my bedroom (thanking silently to the hours spent in the gym next to my old apartment). I put him down onto my bed, got rid of the T-shirt that was also wetted with his tears then lay next to him bracing myself on my elbow.
"Shindo…" he said my name hesitantly, not knowing what to expect.
"It's all up to you," I said trying to sound reassuring.
"What if I don’t want to…" he didn’t finish it, but of course I knew all to good what he wanted to ask.
"Then we sleep." I stated.
He nodded weakly. I waited for him to say something, but he didn’t. So I had to say it out for him.
"You know, you don’t have to restrain yourself. Illusions are just a part of life. And sometimes illusions can feel more reliable than reality itself."
He froze for a second then looked straight into my eyes and a rear smile appeared on his face. "Thank you!" he muttered barely audible. Then twined his arms around my neck and pulled me down into a kiss, not demanding but persistent and through. My head began to spin and I had to close my eyes.
I rolled down from his body and positioned myself on my side hugging him close to me so we were lying opposite to each other. He didn’t rush like the last time and I let him have his piece. We didn’t do anything else for a while beyond embracing each other and making out. The kiss hasn’t lost anything form it's former gentleness and lightness as it grew more passionate and needy. Even this happened slow and gradually. He wasn’t getting aggressive or urging me to take that role. These were the only moments in our life when neither of us wanted to overpower the other. We just took what the other was offering and gave it back. In every other aspect of our lives he was my rival and I was his. Only sex wasn’t ever about competition. It was something, we both wanted to do as equals, there was no need for fighting for dominance in it.
I started to caress his back lightly and he touched my hip above the waistline of my boxers. My hand drifted under his pajama top and I drew slow circles along his spine just barely touching the heating skin. I could feel the goosebumps building there and the fine hairs standing up under rippling muscles where my fingers passed. Meanwhile I felt a hand sliding up my throat and gently cupping my jawbone to hold my head in place. I did the same with my other hand and in answer I felt his body sliding closer and our erections grinding together through the cloths.
I stopped. He looked at me patiently, waiting, pleading with his eyes for me to continue. I sat up and grabbed the rim of his top and pulled it down then I did the same with the bottom. It was hauntingly like dressing him after his escapades in the past - he even lifted his arms for me - except for the part that I was doing this to have sex with him. Back then I always thought that he looked weak but now he felt strong and determined and I felt this observation appealing.
I did the same with my own boxers since I wasn’t wearing anything else. He embraced my hip from behind as I sat back on the bed sitting up himself and cradling me between his thighs. I felt his lips on my neck and I tilted my head instinctively to give him better access. His hands caressed my torso and found my nipples. Then they slid lower bypassing my throbbing erection taking time coaxing me to open and lift up my knees by caressing the sensitive skin of my inner thighs.
This position wasn’t something I was used to. It was embarrassing and shameful, letting me question my masculinity but the embarrassment I felt somehow only triggered the pleasure. My body felt hot and I found myself moaning and floundering against the firm body pressed to my back. My hand slid on his thigh and I tried to caress him like he did with me but I didn’t have enough space between our bodies. He didn’t seem to care. His lips sucked on the crook between my shoulder and my neck and I felt his hot tongue brushing against the tormented skin. I knew it would cause a hickey but I didn’t care because it felt so good. Meanwhile he slid his arm under one of my legs and pulled it up so he could reach lower with his other hand. His fingers touched the sweaty skin between my thighs and grazed the tight ring of muscle there. He begun to rub persistently and it felt definitely alien. But I fought the sudden panic and tried to relax my body and my mind. He must have felt my tension because he worked forward real slowly. Suddenly my mind registered that we are lacking something important.
"Touya," my voice sounded harsh but I didn’t need anything else to say, because he understood. He kissed my throat once more and then eased my body down onto the sheets.
"Don’t move, I am back in a second," he said then I heard him going back into his own bedroom. I couldn’t not obey him, the only thing I was capable of was panting and sweating. Then I recovered my breathing again I remembered that I had to get the rubber out of my drawer. I was about to fetch it when he entered my bedroom again with a tube in his left hand. He saw me kneeling on my bed, as I rummaged the contents of said drawer. He hugged me from behind and put a light nip on the small of my back. I was so startled that I dropped the found accessory and soon I found myself in my former position again.
"That can wait," he said directly in my ear as he busied himself with licking the lobe and coaxing some shivers and sighs out of me. "First I want you to feel good…" and then he swiftly opened the tube and pressed some of the translucent gel into his palm. He smeared his finger with it and then put it back onto the entrance of my body. I shivered again, this time both from the coldness of the sensation and the fearful thought of something entering me but when he kissed me I quickly forgot everything uncomfortable and tried to concentrate on the pleasant part.
First he only grazed the outside of the muscle, his caresses evoked light tingling on my skin and I felt an intense heat starting to gather within my guts. Then a finger pushed in lightly and I was surprised how easily it slid into my body causing only a little burning and prickling sensation, but a sudden coolness from some extra gel replaced the uncomfortable feeling. I felt it warm up along with the enormous flow of desire that pooled up down there like molten lava and threatened to engulf my mind and body with raw, mindless passion.
I didn’t want this feeling to end because I feared if this would happen I wouldn’t be able to find it again and the act would be reduced to an awkward procedure of some unfamiliar touches and an unwelcome issue that I would regret it the next morning. I shouldn’t have thought of that, I instantly felt the mood die down and my mind switched back to telling me that I don’t really mean what I am currently about to do.
But then I heard his voice next to my ear - husky and heated. "I want you to touch yourself," he said and I immediately felt goosebumps build on my back and arms. Only the thought that I did what he suggested while he watched my every move did it to me and then his fingers plunging in me felt all of a sudden just as arousing like before. I obeyed his request and lifted my hand tentatively to my erection. First I didn’t touch it. I grazed my nails on my stomach and then lower, nearly touching his gel-slickened hand then I begun to caress my length with fingertips.
A low moan erupted from my throat and I jerked my hand away immediately like I had burnt my fingers. I heard myself gasp and pant fast and my heart was about to explode in my chest.
Touya's hand stopped and his pull tightened on my leg as he tried to clutch my body to himself. "Something wrong?" he asked anxiously. I shook my head but I couldn’t manage a whole sentence at once.
"I… just… didn’t want… to come… yet…"
"Oh." He pulled his fingers out of me and let my leg down. I felt him crawl from under me and fetch the condom from the drawer. Then I was laid down on my side and he was there in a minute embracing me from the back. His skin was warm and smooth to my rear and the realization of something hard and slickened pressed between my cheeks let butterflies gather in my stomach. I would have nearly freaked out once more if not his familiar, strong voice in my ear tried to calm and reassure me. Of course it helped that the need straining that voice started a new wave of desire ripple down my spine onto that certain body part. So that I lifted my leg without any instruction issued and positioned myself to feel the tip of his rubber-clad hardness pressing onto my entrance.
He kissed my jaw and put a hand under my thigh to part my buttocks and make the intrusion easier. He pushed in slowly and I had to bite down on my lower lip to keep myself from letting him know my pain. Of course it was silly to assume he wouldn’t guess it would be painful for me. But he also knew that the quickest way to stop the pain was to penetrate me completely and then wait for the muscles to adjust to the unfamiliar elongation. He did that while caressing the skin beginning at my throat down to my abdomen. It helped and I nearly forgot about the "thing" in me when he moved a bit and the uncomfortable feeling was back again.
I let out a hiss but it wasn’t that bad like before, the pain was mostly gone, I felt only a little discomfort. Then I felt his fingers touching there, gently massaging the stretched skin and muscles. It prickled but it felt good. I instinctively tightened my muscles. As a response I heard a surprised moan and the feeling of his erection in me got thousand times stronger, but now it wasn’t uncomfortable at all. A little awkward, yes, but at the same time… delicious.
"Move!" I ordered him and tried to push down on him as much as I could but since he was fully embedded it was only a small way. But the slight shift in position caused his hardness to graze at something in me that I didn’t anticipate. I also didn’t anticipate the intense pleasure that the friction was eliciting in my body. I couldn’t help but moan and the loudness of my own voice startled even me.
My moans seemed to encourage his determination because he begun to thrust in me first slowly, than his pace constantly increasing. Not all of his moves hit that spot in me, but each time they did it drew me near the edge and I felt like I would burst every second. I wanted to touch myself to get the much needed relief but I didn’t want to come so soon, didn’t want to leave him there. And it wasn’t my own palm I wanted to come from. I wanted him to take me over the edge along with himself.
He stopped abruptly and it hit me like a punch in my stomach. Suddenly I started to feel the mad speed my heart raced at and the mirror of it inside his heaving chest pressed to my back, like both our hearts wanted to explode. He slipped out of me and turned me onto my back. I could only look at him, as his eyes sparkled in the dark and he positioned himself over me. A drop of sweat dripped down from his temple onto my face. He gave a sloppy kiss on my mouth with a focused smile and his breath still short then lifted my legs towards my chest. I obeyed and only seconds later I felt him penetrate me again.
His hips begun to move in long, slow motions forward and back and forward and back and forward…
At some point I had to close my eyes but the look on his face illuminated by the dim moonlight burned into my memory and I didn’t want to forget it. First it wasn’t such a great feeling like before we changed position but it got better by every stroke. Until I couldn’t recall why I had found it awkward for first. All I felt at that moment was the need to make it last as long as I could take it. My concentration on the feeling alone was distracted by another sloppy kiss that I returned hastily with lips and tongue. It caused me to open my eyes a little and stare on his chest. The muscles flexed under smooth skin layered with shining sweat and suddenly his nipples appeared very appealing. I lifted my head and tried to suck on one but his movements made a permanent contact nearly impossible.
"Wrap your legs around me!" he said and stopped for a minute to enable me to do so. I obeyed and felt him slide even deeper and with more ease than before.
"Faster!" I could only manage that one word but Touya complied with my request almost instantly. I felt his turgid flesh throbbing against *that* point again hard and fast. Fluid electricity engulfed all my senses and I felt a swelling of tension in my nerve endings till I couldn’t hold any longer. I heard my voice begging for more and felt his palm encircling my hardness. It took only a few hard, fast strokes and I came shuddering, my breath caught in a low moan. I felt Touya trembling with passion and beginning to thrust in me in earnest. After three seconds of fast, aggressive pounding against my most sensitive flesh he bit down on his lower lip as he came without making any noise himself. Funny, I always pictured him for the loud type.
He rolled down of me and I felt the mattress dip on my side as his weight pressed down on it. We spent some minutes in silence listening to our heavy breathing and the blood drumming in my ears calming down. At once I felt a hand clutching over mine and I rolled my head to the side to look at him. He also was looking at me intently with a satiated expression but his eyes bore something akin worry. I couldn’t determine if it was for me or for what we just did. I tried to reassure him with a lazy smile and I brought up my other hand to lightly caress his face that, I noticed with a pang in my heart, looked strikingly handsome at this moment of calmness. He didn’t close his eyes as my fingers passed his cheek but continued to gaze at me. I found it a little disturbing.
"I need to clean up," I said and attempted to sit up on the bed. I winced at the sudden burning sting at my lower part but could avoid a hiss so not to alarm him. I went to the bathroom and took a fast shower. I didn’t bother with dressing back up. When I got back Touya was still lying in his former position but got rid of the condom and got his pajama bottom up in the meantime.
"Want me to take shower too?" he asked.
Well, it'd be nice, I thought. But I didn’t say it; I only shrugged and lay back on the rumpled sheets. He didn’t waste time to shift close to me and cradle me almost possessively in his arms. He was a bit sticky but his skin was almost fully dried and it surprised me that after some time I actually found the closeness comfortable. I didn’t notice how much our former activity took out of me till I closed my eyes and drifted into sleep immediately.
When I opened my eyes next it was already morning and I was alone in my bed. I closed my lids trying to sleep in a little more and then I heard the sounds of water running in the shower. The door to my room was slightly ajar. I lifted my head but then I thought otherwise and rolled onto my stomach. As I moved a sharp little sting between my legs caused me to wince but when I remembered the most likely cause of it I was surprised it only hurt that much. And that I actually allowed him to do _that_ to me. Maybe the next thought - that next time it sure as hell would be the other way around - should have also fazed me if my mind weren’t so cloudy from sleep. What did make me so sure it would come a 'next time'?
I was lying on my stomach for a long time, eyes closed, trying hard not to think about last night, when I heard him coming in and then felt the other side of the bed dip under his weight as he first sat down then stretched out beside me.
"I know you are not sleeping," he said almost grumpily. His voice sounded anything like content and happy; more like earnest and somehow angry.
I crooked an eye open and squinted at his solemn face that managed to provide him with a commanding appearance - despite the fact he wasn’t wearing anything beside a towel wound around his hips.
"I have to speak with you."
"So? Go on," I said with a deliberately slurry voice as if I was still half asleep. I didn’t want to have this talk right then although I knew we had to have it sometime soon.
My eyes jerked wide open when I felt his palm cradle my cheek I wasn’t lying on. Now he got my full attention but he kept his hand there still. So he wanted to talk, I thought. Why not? I mentally prepared myself on a long and painful discussion about 'whys' and 'how nexts' so his next question caught me unawares.
"Last night when you said that about illusions being sometimes more real, were you speaking about someone in particular?"
I was about to deny it, when the truth in his words sank in. He was right. It sounded like Sai. He was the illusion of my life. I was suddenly startled to feel hot, and prepared myself to the stinging ache in my heart that was bound to come when I was reminded of him and the panic I felt every time when his existence was near to be discovered. But the pain wasn’t so strong now like before and it didn’t scare me now that someone asked about him. In fact I knew it was only because that person was Touya. I promised to tell him about my secret one day, didn’t I? But after the short-lived thrill of the moment, in that I said those words, died down I never found the courage in myself to actually make them true. I still didn’t think that he would have actually believed me if I told him all as it happened, but it felt right that he should know about him if only from a different aspect.
I know my face must have been bearing a funny expression, because Touya looked at me stupefied, maybe even a little scared. I saw him open his mouth to apologize but I beat him for it saying, "Yes".
I still don’t know how I was able to speak to him so freely about my feelings for Sai, and yes, I told him the name. He was surprised, to put it mild. More like shocked, and not just because I was only fourteen when he disappeared - too young for a relationship. I explained that our bond wasn’t that of lovers, more like tutor and apprentice and maybe something akin a very close friendship. So close I haven’t realized that it meant more for me till it was too late. That's why I felt that he was an illusion that I wasn’t meant to reach ever. And that he was - besides the obvious. I didn’t elaborate the circumstances to his disappearance; I think he assumed Sai just died. And he did in a way.
The need to believe is a funny thing. He didn’t doubt my explanation for a second, didn’t ask about the first two games we played against each other - I mean Sai played against him through my help. And I knew he probably never would, still…
"Do you think it is futile to chase after an illusion?" he asked after a few minutes silence.
The question was vague but I knew what he meant to ask. Just like Sai was my illusion, the illusion he was pursuing was I.
"If you don’t have any prospect to reach it, I suppose it is."
He looked at me then sat up on the bed turning his back to me. I could see his dark silhouette against the window. His voice was tiny; I barely managed to decipher his words when he spoke next.
"…do I?"
I was afraid he would ask that. And I knew I mustn’t lie about it. But unfortunately the only answer that didn’t sound to me as a lie was neither the negative, nor the positive.
"I don’t know… I honestly don’t know…"
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In the afternoon we went to the Go Institute together. He managed to arrange his prosecutors to assemble there for a 'discussion' of the situation. I was there with him and Amano-san who got invited by the commission, but stood on his side since the beginning. But of course Touya didn’t want anyone to interfere. He could deliver a worthy fight himself like he always did. But he was condemned to lose this time.
He was told, that the recent occurrences on his side reflect badly on the community of Go and his participation is no longer wanted. If he would have been a lousy player no one would have paid attention to him, he could have remained like before the incidents. But unfortunately his name was bound to appear at the center of attention. They told him straight that he had no future in that department anymore, that he wasn’t going to hold any title and they wouldn’t allow him to represent the institute on any significant event, like national or international tournaments, seminars, etc.
Of course he could retire silently because of personal reasons and spare himself the embarrassment.
They just looked at him with uncaring eyes, some of them nigh on hateful, some displaying a bit of compassion.
"You people really are willing to throw away such a talent?" Amano-san asked with indignation. He got no answer.
I saw Touya's hand - closely fisted beside his thighs - begin to tremble slightly as he turned towards the journalist and told him with a calm, controlled pace of determination, "You can publish my retirement and the cause as well. I don’t want to hide anything."
I choked and nearly yelled at him "What?" but lastly I could control myself not to do so and embarrass him more. I understood his decision. He couldn’t fight something that he hadn’t had the prospect to win against. It would have been futile to attempt that. But I realized just how alone I would be without him there to be my rival. And if he cannot play as a professional he wouldn’t be likely to remain where everything reminded him of what he has lost. He wouldn’t want to stay near me, the proof of what he could have been.
At that moment my mind went blank. I could see my future without Touya Akira. Without my eternal rival, the cause of all the relevant things I achieved and would achieve in my life. He would leave, just like Sai. And he would take away the meaning of my life. Not only as a rival, a fellow Go player, he was much more than that. It was when I realized, that it doesn't matter how I call him. Weather I name him my friend or my lover (love even). If I were to lose him it would hurt the same.
An instant later I found myself standing next to Touya. Looking at the committee and speaking to Amano-san, but my words were directed to him. "If he goes, I'll go with him. You can write that along with the rest."
I felt eyes staring at me from all directions but I only cared for one set of icy blue irises widened with surprise and fear. I didn’t look at him. Didn’t have the courage to do so and retain the pretense of false confidence. Before he or anyone could say anything I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him out of the stuffy room with uncaring audience along the long floor towards the elevator, then after the ride down out of the building and down the streets still clutching his arm like I expected him to vanish into thin air if I dropped my hold on him.
Neither of us spoke a word the whole way long. We got home and then I don’t remember how we ended up on the sheets tangled together again in a mass of limbs and sweaty skin. We made love – I couldn’t conveniently think of it as just a fuck between friends anymore. It was more especially after the revelations I had that day. He saw what I needed and let me be in control this time. But I was still confused, my mind torn between what felt safe or what felt right. It would take time.
After the passion cooled down and we were laying on the bed satiated and lazy with bodily and emotional fatigue, he asked me only one word: Why? But I couldn’t word the thoughts swirling in my mind. So I only sad to him: Because it felt right.
He nodded with acceptance and went to sleep in my arms where I soon followed him.
TBC.
A/N: sorry for the long wait. Thank you for all of you who reviewed or who read the fic. You see it nears the end now and I hope it wont take so long than this part. There is some nc-17 (lemon) part in the middle what is only available in the mediaminer.org version. I didn’t rewrite it I only cut it out from the one I posted on FF.net.
A/N 2: Some of you mentioned my lack at proper English grammar and probably some typos. I told you I suck at English having learnt only 2 years and not that intensive too. Also I don’t have a beta-reader. But if anyone is willing to do that for me, I would appreciate it. Not that I write too much, see I don’t know when I will be able to post any other fic I wrote or am about to write, so… If anyone feels like it, I would be glad for suggestions about this one, because the first chapters are in severe need of it.
You can send corrections at: sourcherrymagic@yahoo.com. Thank you for reading.
Chapter 04
Concerning them (part IV.)
by Stray
17. 08. 2004
rating: R / NC-17
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi, pairing: HxA, IxW
Warning2: This part contains an actual lemon scene, which is graphic; hence I cut it out neatly form the version to be posted on FF.net. If you want to read the full (uncut ?) version, got to mediaminer.org (same fandom, same title, same author's name).
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"How did that happen?" I asked Isumi. Touya went into the bathroom to wash his face.
"Hard to tell," he said shrugging. But his face was serious and thoughtful. "I've spoken to Amano-san. He said, that the man was arrested two days ago. He was interviewed by a freelancer reporter who usually writes for gossip press. Then a minor article was published in a regional newspaper. After that the press was eager to interview the man, and the police gave permission for the man told them he would give the names of his accomplices if he could talk to the press. I think that's the summary of all this…"
"But why didn’t we know when he got caught?" I asked puzzled.
"Well, there would be an explanation. Namely that Touya revoked the charge and you haven’t told the police your new address and phone number, I guess?"
I scratched the back of my head embarrassed. Because he was right. "Not yet…"
We heard the water gushing from the bath and Isumi turned to face me. His expression turned suddenly more serious and I knew there was something more to the topic I didn’t know yet. I noted that in that moment the gazes of all who were present became fixated on us and the subtle chatting faded into an apprehensive silence.
"What else is there?" I asked frowning. Isumi opened his mouth but stayed silent for a moment before he began to tell me.
"There is a rumor inside the Go Institute that they want to suspend Touya for an undetermined length of time."
"What?" I nearly yelled. Then I remembered that he could hear. "What kind of explanation can they provide to justify that decision? Does he know about it?" I asked a bit quieter. I was stupefied and couldn’t believe that something like that could happen. No, it wasn’t right!
Isumi nodded. "He knows," he said solemnly. I understood only then that that must have been the reason why all the other pros were there.
"They already cancelled all his future games and didn’t schedule him another ones," he continued to tell me. "They haven’t excluded him yet, but…"
He didn’t need to continue. I understood what he meant.
At that moment Touya stepped out from the bath and came to me.
"So, you know now… " he said, not a question. I nodded silently.
It was the moment that everyone chose to inform me about the past days' events. I haven’t asked how anyone besides me knew about them. I learned that it was a decision they brought after the TV broadcast of the humiliation they call interview. It was a Thursday. Of course they would know about it, they all were there. And it was a coincidence that I wasn’t; being my match cancelled that day, because of the illness of my opponent. So I decided to have my tutoring rescheduled. Well, I couldn’t know better, could I?
They came to me one on one - Naze, Fuku, Honda, Saeki-san, even Kurata-san was there - or in pair whose came together like Akari and her husband, Mitani. I got from all the people either that they don’t believe in the crap the press wants to make believe about Touya, or that we mustn’t worry because it all will turn good in time. Like I heard my own words back. Only this time the one said it didn’t believe it would actually come true.
Did I?
I think I had to be grateful to these people because they were supporting us and not against us (whether they knew what they talked about or not). Apparently Touya didn’t feel like enlighten them about the whole situation, and who am I to question his decision. If he doesn’t want to tell them, then it's his right. So I tried to stay neutral and didn’t give them real answers to their question. And they didn’t force the topic knowing that Touya was near and could perhaps hear us. So everything was fine until that moment when Akari came to me.
We talked a few sentences about everyday matters and in the whole time I knew she wants to get out to something. She didn’t know how to ask and got every moment tenser and louder. Then she lost her patience and bluntly blurted out the query on me.
"You two aren’t really a couple, are you?"
Her voice just happened to be a little above the general noise level.
I literally felt the air freeze and all the sounds of chatting people die down around us as everyone focused their attention on the answer I was about to give her. My eyes caught the figure of Touya. His face was pale like lime and I couldn’t capture his gaze to give me directions about what my answer should be.
So I just laughed and said out loud: "What do you think?"
She begun to babble that she read every article about us and the comments we gave the reporters earlier about our living together but she didn’t seriously think it would be true. So in the end she ended up apologizing to us and I tapped her shoulder and gave her a forgiving smile and said "Nothing happened."
The general atmosphere became awkward afterwards. My eyes searched after Touya but I couldn’t find him anywhere. Then I spotted him sitting on the sofa in the same position as earlier when I entered our apartment.
"I don’t feel well, can you handle our guests?" he asked. I nodded and then he retreated into his room.
Seeing that all the people were squirming and preparing to leave, I thanked them for their supportive words and that they came and let them out of the flat. Finally only three people remained: Waya, Isumi and my mom.
"Thank you for coming." I said to them bowing my head. It was an unfamiliar move for me, even Waya noticed because he smiled encouraging and waved with his hand.
"It's time for us to go." Isumi said mimicking the smile of his friend.
Then I turned to my mom and wanted to say something. I must admit, I was afraid and a little embarrassed, but I wanted to be honest with her. Even if it hurt. I had faith in my parents; to know them enough that certain kind of revelations I was about to make wouldn’t quaver their love and thrust in me. But she was aware of my anxious and confused state because she went before me.
"It's OK," she said comfortingly.
I saw a flicker of sadness flashing through her eyes that I couldn’t quite place but then it disappeared and she looked at me with a genuine understanding and unshaken love. She laughed a little and said, she had known in a way that the two of us were a couple since we spent Christmas with them. I started to argument with her about it, explaining that we haven’t been then, but it served mainly for easing the tension and give both of us time to get accustomed with the fact that she knew now. Because I may have fooled other people with my comment giving them a way to think what they wanted to believe in, but not my mother.
At least they all left, Isumi offering mom to drive her home what I was thankful for.
I entered Touya's room. I found him sitting motionless on the floor on his heels, surrounded by semi-darkness and silence. The only light that penetrated the room was the faint, grayish gleam of the sun from behind thick clouds that covered the sky. Though it was afternoon, because of the gloomy weather it seemed like the moment just after the sun has set, when there is a bit of light lingering but the warm colors have already faded.
He looked at me and I stepped before him just centimeters away and crouched down to be in one level with him. Neither of us said a word he only looked at me and I couldn’t avert my gaze of his look. It seemed like sacrilege to break the silence. At least I just gave him a reassuring smile and offered my hand to help him up.
He took it but didn’t make any attempt to eventually stand up, just held it enclosed within his fingers. Slowly he diverted his gaze and looked at my hand like it was a custom of his, learnt from his father. I felt my smile reappear seeing this gesture. I lifted my other hand to brush some longish, black strains away covering his eyes as he bent his head.
"What are you thinking about?"
He didn’t look at me, his gaze still examining my hand.
"I'm sorry," he said in a flat voice.
My fingers lightly touched his cheek and he lifted his face to look at mine again. "What for?" I asked.
It felt strange to touch him like that - such intimacy and gentleness - almost awkward. As the strangeness of the feeling got stronger I couldn’t resist the sudden urge to detract my hand from his face, and however I tried to calm my motion it just seemed like a jerk.
Touya just looked at me with a hint of sadness in his gaze that seemed so tired of everything that happened lately. He could tell I was nervous.
"You don’t have to pretend anymore. I know it wasn’t for real." He looked at my hand again then put it down carefully like it were a fragile thing, then retracted his arm and lay his palms on his knees in an almost awkwardly controlled gesture. But his hands betrayed him; they were shaking.
I hung my head. I was really ashamed of myself thinking about how he must have felt right then. I really was careless last night. How could I think I could get away with all of it easily, knowing that there were emotions involved I should not stir up with deceivingly carefree moments? Like he could read my thoughts he answered right to what was on my mind.
"You must not blame yourself. We both were drunk. If I had been in the right state of my mind it would have never happened…"
"But to tell the truth, I don’t regret it, so you shouldn’t either if it's only for my case. I was really happy with that illusion, you gave me. Even if I know now that I cannot continue to pretend it was real. Not for me and of course even less for you. And that hurts, but it's a kind of good hurt. The moments I could spend with you will be always precious for me… even when they were a lie."
I was forgiven. But I didn’t feel relieved at all. In fact, his words made me feel a slight distress. I realized just in that moment that even I thought deep in my heart that this could be more than simple carnal desire between the two of us. And it saddened me to have been confronted with the reality. I had to admit to myself, that the previous night not only for him was an illusion, but in a way for me as well. However he was still my friend. Someone I cared for. And I wanted to do what was right for him.
I realized that I was looking the entire time on his hands, not in his eyes. They weren’t shaking that strong anymore; only a slight trembling that could also be caused by fatigue.
"And I'm sorry for making you worry about me."
I lifted my gaze to his face. I saw unshed tears glimmering in the corners of his eyes. He didn’t want me to see them, because he lowered his face so his hair was obscuring them. I turned my head to the side and took up slowly still not looking at him to not to embarrass him.
"It's only natural, that friends are worried for each other. If I hadn’t be worried, I couldn’t be calling myself a friend."
He nodded, but didn’t say anything in return, only made a hasty movement to wipe away a betraying teardrop rolling down his face that broke away from the restrains of tightly squeezed eyelids.
"I am about to make something for dinner." I said pretending that I haven’t noticed. "Feel up to helping me?"
"Go ahead! I will come right after." He said in a hoarse voice.
I did as he requested and closed the door of his bedroom after me.
Past ten minutes he really was there and took over some tasks silently, not asking what he should do. It was fine with me. I instinctively handed over the basic cooking chores to him as we were already used to do it, and kept the preparations and cleaning for me. We didn’t talk a word the whole time. They weren’t needed. We finished cooking in half an hour, but neither of us could eat much after what happened. Even I got a sour taste in my mouth.
After doing the dishes we sat down in the living room for a match or two of Go, but both of us played terribly, so it wasn’t a successful distraction either. It merely got us in a more depressed atmosphere then we were in before. So in the middle of our third game Touya only hissed disdainfully and stood up saying that it was enough for that night. I nodded and put the stones and the board back into their place in my room. When I got back, he already went to shower. I waited for the bathroom to empty watching some TV, but I switched between channels so I wouldn’t have to watch the news repeating the events of the afternoon.
Finally he came out in his pajamas and bade me good night.
I bathed and tried to relax in the hot water. It got me slack enough to be able to try some sleeping. I wound a towel around my hip and let the water down then went into my bedroom. On the way I couldn’t resist to stop before his door and place my ear to the wooden surface. I heard some barely audible but still distinctive weeping sounds coming out. My hand was on the lever but I hesitated. I thought that he definitely does not want me to bug in into his privacy. Crying is good, I thought, and understandable. It will help him to let down the tension and get a clear mind. So I walked instead into my room and lay down to my bed willing me that it will cease eventually and then both of us can sleep.
When you are lying in the dark and you can only hear the little noises of the nighttime streets, every little sound gets louder when you concentrate on it. After half an hour when I still could hear him cry I finally got up and went to his door. I didn’t knock, only pressed down the handle and stepped in. His curtains were not closed, so I could see the outlines of the objects in the room. But even without my sight I knew where his futon lay and what the layout of his room was like.
He hasn’t heard me coming, so he jerked away almost hysterically when I touched his shoulder under the blanket. I thought he would order me to go away and let him be alone, but he only turned to face me and lifted an arm towards my shoulder. I bent down and took him into an embrace burying his face in the crook of my shoulder. I tried to calm him so I cradled him and whispered some encouraging words into his ear, stroked his hair and the backside of his neck. His skin felt hot and the fine hair just under his hairline made the texture so unbelievably silky under my touch. I pressed my temple to the top of his head and inhaled the scent of his hair - it smelled like rain and wind.
Suddenly I felt warm, salty-wet lips touch my owns in a chaste kiss, that had somehow a desperate tinge. I didn’t resist or back up. I thought, he needed this to be able to forget about everything else, even if it was an illusion - as he himself said earlier. Then I realized that I also might have needed this.
The kiss didn’t grow deeper; it remained only by lips touching each other's, a little suckling and barely opening. It was slow, patient and reassuring. It lasted long minutes until the salty taste of his tears was completely gone. Then he drew back and looked at me in the dark with damp, glimmering eyes. He was hesitating; his mind and logic that told him to stop fought his instincts and feelings that wanted him to continue.
"I… we shouldn’t…" he said slowly.
"Maybe." I said in a hoarse voice and I was willing to stop anytime he wanted me to. Albeit his hesitation and the reluctance to his own words in his voice indicated otherwise.
I put my hand down on his pillow to support myself and felt the dampness of his shed tears soaked into the drapery of the bedding. It was overall, already turning cold and it must have been right uncomfortable to lie on. I didn’t hesitate much; I lifted him up and carried him over into my bedroom (thanking silently to the hours spent in the gym next to my old apartment). I put him down onto my bed, got rid of the T-shirt that was also wetted with his tears then lay next to him bracing myself on my elbow.
"Shindo…" he said my name hesitantly, not knowing what to expect.
"It's all up to you," I said trying to sound reassuring.
"What if I don’t want to…" he didn’t finish it, but of course I knew all to good what he wanted to ask.
"Then we sleep." I stated.
He nodded weakly. I waited for him to say something, but he didn’t. So I had to say it out for him.
"You know, you don’t have to restrain yourself. Illusions are just a part of life. And sometimes illusions can feel more reliable than reality itself."
He froze for a second then looked straight into my eyes and a rear smile appeared on his face. "Thank you!" he muttered barely audible. Then twined his arms around my neck and pulled me down into a kiss, not demanding but persistent and through. My head began to spin and I had to close my eyes.
I rolled down from his body and positioned myself on my side hugging him close to me so we were lying opposite to each other. He didn’t rush like the last time and I let him have his piece. We didn’t do anything else for a while beyond embracing each other and making out. The kiss hasn’t lost anything form it's former gentleness and lightness as it grew more passionate and needy. Even this happened slow and gradually. He wasn’t getting aggressive or urging me to take that role. These were the only moments in our life when neither of us wanted to overpower the other. We just took what the other was offering and gave it back. In every other aspect of our lives he was my rival and I was his. Only sex wasn’t ever about competition. It was something, we both wanted to do as equals, there was no need for fighting for dominance in it.
I started to caress his back lightly and he touched my hip above the waistline of my boxers. My hand drifted under his pajama top and I drew slow circles along his spine just barely touching the heating skin. I could feel the goosebumps building there and the fine hairs standing up under rippling muscles where my fingers passed. Meanwhile I felt a hand sliding up my throat and gently cupping my jawbone to hold my head in place. I did the same with my other hand and in answer I felt his body sliding closer and our erections grinding together through the cloths.
I stopped. He looked at me patiently, waiting, pleading with his eyes for me to continue. I sat up and grabbed the rim of his top and pulled it down then I did the same with the bottom. It was hauntingly like dressing him after his escapades in the past - he even lifted his arms for me - except for the part that I was doing this to have sex with him. Back then I always thought that he looked weak but now he felt strong and determined and I felt this observation appealing.
I did the same with my own boxers since I wasn’t wearing anything else. He embraced my hip from behind as I sat back on the bed sitting up himself and cradling me between his thighs. I felt his lips on my neck and I tilted my head instinctively to give him better access. His hands caressed my torso and found my nipples. Then they slid lower bypassing my throbbing erection taking time coaxing me to open and lift up my knees by caressing the sensitive skin of my inner thighs.
This position wasn’t something I was used to. It was embarrassing and shameful, letting me question my masculinity but the embarrassment I felt somehow only triggered the pleasure. My body felt hot and I found myself moaning and floundering against the firm body pressed to my back. My hand slid on his thigh and I tried to caress him like he did with me but I didn’t have enough space between our bodies. He didn’t seem to care. His lips sucked on the crook between my shoulder and my neck and I felt his hot tongue brushing against the tormented skin. I knew it would cause a hickey but I didn’t care because it felt so good. Meanwhile he slid his arm under one of my legs and pulled it up so he could reach lower with his other hand. His fingers touched the sweaty skin between my thighs and grazed the tight ring of muscle there. He begun to rub persistently and it felt definitely alien. But I fought the sudden panic and tried to relax my body and my mind. He must have felt my tension because he worked forward real slowly. Suddenly my mind registered that we are lacking something important.
"Touya," my voice sounded harsh but I didn’t need anything else to say, because he understood. He kissed my throat once more and then eased my body down onto the sheets.
"Don’t move, I am back in a second," he said then I heard him going back into his own bedroom. I couldn’t not obey him, the only thing I was capable of was panting and sweating. Then I recovered my breathing again I remembered that I had to get the rubber out of my drawer. I was about to fetch it when he entered my bedroom again with a tube in his left hand. He saw me kneeling on my bed, as I rummaged the contents of said drawer. He hugged me from behind and put a light nip on the small of my back. I was so startled that I dropped the found accessory and soon I found myself in my former position again.
"That can wait," he said directly in my ear as he busied himself with licking the lobe and coaxing some shivers and sighs out of me. "First I want you to feel good…" and then he swiftly opened the tube and pressed some of the translucent gel into his palm. He smeared his finger with it and then put it back onto the entrance of my body. I shivered again, this time both from the coldness of the sensation and the fearful thought of something entering me but when he kissed me I quickly forgot everything uncomfortable and tried to concentrate on the pleasant part.
First he only grazed the outside of the muscle, his caresses evoked light tingling on my skin and I felt an intense heat starting to gather within my guts. Then a finger pushed in lightly and I was surprised how easily it slid into my body causing only a little burning and prickling sensation, but a sudden coolness from some extra gel replaced the uncomfortable feeling. I felt it warm up along with the enormous flow of desire that pooled up down there like molten lava and threatened to engulf my mind and body with raw, mindless passion.
I didn’t want this feeling to end because I feared if this would happen I wouldn’t be able to find it again and the act would be reduced to an awkward procedure of some unfamiliar touches and an unwelcome issue that I would regret it the next morning. I shouldn’t have thought of that, I instantly felt the mood die down and my mind switched back to telling me that I don’t really mean what I am currently about to do.
But then I heard his voice next to my ear - husky and heated. "I want you to touch yourself," he said and I immediately felt goosebumps build on my back and arms. Only the thought that I did what he suggested while he watched my every move did it to me and then his fingers plunging in me felt all of a sudden just as arousing like before. I obeyed his request and lifted my hand tentatively to my erection. First I didn’t touch it. I grazed my nails on my stomach and then lower, nearly touching his gel-slickened hand then I begun to caress my length with fingertips.
A low moan erupted from my throat and I jerked my hand away immediately like I had burnt my fingers. I heard myself gasp and pant fast and my heart was about to explode in my chest.
Touya's hand stopped and his pull tightened on my leg as he tried to clutch my body to himself. "Something wrong?" he asked anxiously. I shook my head but I couldn’t manage a whole sentence at once.
"I… just… didn’t want… to come… yet…"
"Oh." He pulled his fingers out of me and let my leg down. I felt him crawl from under me and fetch the condom from the drawer. Then I was laid down on my side and he was there in a minute embracing me from the back. His skin was warm and smooth to my rear and the realization of something hard and slickened pressed between my cheeks let butterflies gather in my stomach. I would have nearly freaked out once more if not his familiar, strong voice in my ear tried to calm and reassure me. Of course it helped that the need straining that voice started a new wave of desire ripple down my spine onto that certain body part. So that I lifted my leg without any instruction issued and positioned myself to feel the tip of his rubber-clad hardness pressing onto my entrance.
He kissed my jaw and put a hand under my thigh to part my buttocks and make the intrusion easier. He pushed in slowly and I had to bite down on my lower lip to keep myself from letting him know my pain. Of course it was silly to assume he wouldn’t guess it would be painful for me. But he also knew that the quickest way to stop the pain was to penetrate me completely and then wait for the muscles to adjust to the unfamiliar elongation. He did that while caressing the skin beginning at my throat down to my abdomen. It helped and I nearly forgot about the "thing" in me when he moved a bit and the uncomfortable feeling was back again.
I let out a hiss but it wasn’t that bad like before, the pain was mostly gone, I felt only a little discomfort. Then I felt his fingers touching there, gently massaging the stretched skin and muscles. It prickled but it felt good. I instinctively tightened my muscles. As a response I heard a surprised moan and the feeling of his erection in me got thousand times stronger, but now it wasn’t uncomfortable at all. A little awkward, yes, but at the same time… delicious.
"Move!" I ordered him and tried to push down on him as much as I could but since he was fully embedded it was only a small way. But the slight shift in position caused his hardness to graze at something in me that I didn’t anticipate. I also didn’t anticipate the intense pleasure that the friction was eliciting in my body. I couldn’t help but moan and the loudness of my own voice startled even me.
My moans seemed to encourage his determination because he begun to thrust in me first slowly, than his pace constantly increasing. Not all of his moves hit that spot in me, but each time they did it drew me near the edge and I felt like I would burst every second. I wanted to touch myself to get the much needed relief but I didn’t want to come so soon, didn’t want to leave him there. And it wasn’t my own palm I wanted to come from. I wanted him to take me over the edge along with himself.
He stopped abruptly and it hit me like a punch in my stomach. Suddenly I started to feel the mad speed my heart raced at and the mirror of it inside his heaving chest pressed to my back, like both our hearts wanted to explode. He slipped out of me and turned me onto my back. I could only look at him, as his eyes sparkled in the dark and he positioned himself over me. A drop of sweat dripped down from his temple onto my face. He gave a sloppy kiss on my mouth with a focused smile and his breath still short then lifted my legs towards my chest. I obeyed and only seconds later I felt him penetrate me again.
His hips begun to move in long, slow motions forward and back and forward and back and forward…
At some point I had to close my eyes but the look on his face illuminated by the dim moonlight burned into my memory and I didn’t want to forget it. First it wasn’t such a great feeling like before we changed position but it got better by every stroke. Until I couldn’t recall why I had found it awkward for first. All I felt at that moment was the need to make it last as long as I could take it. My concentration on the feeling alone was distracted by another sloppy kiss that I returned hastily with lips and tongue. It caused me to open my eyes a little and stare on his chest. The muscles flexed under smooth skin layered with shining sweat and suddenly his nipples appeared very appealing. I lifted my head and tried to suck on one but his movements made a permanent contact nearly impossible.
"Wrap your legs around me!" he said and stopped for a minute to enable me to do so. I obeyed and felt him slide even deeper and with more ease than before.
"Faster!" I could only manage that one word but Touya complied with my request almost instantly. I felt his turgid flesh throbbing against *that* point again hard and fast. Fluid electricity engulfed all my senses and I felt a swelling of tension in my nerve endings till I couldn’t hold any longer. I heard my voice begging for more and felt his palm encircling my hardness. It took only a few hard, fast strokes and I came shuddering, my breath caught in a low moan. I felt Touya trembling with passion and beginning to thrust in me in earnest. After three seconds of fast, aggressive pounding against my most sensitive flesh he bit down on his lower lip as he came without making any noise himself. Funny, I always pictured him for the loud type.
He rolled down of me and I felt the mattress dip on my side as his weight pressed down on it. We spent some minutes in silence listening to our heavy breathing and the blood drumming in my ears calming down. At once I felt a hand clutching over mine and I rolled my head to the side to look at him. He also was looking at me intently with a satiated expression but his eyes bore something akin worry. I couldn’t determine if it was for me or for what we just did. I tried to reassure him with a lazy smile and I brought up my other hand to lightly caress his face that, I noticed with a pang in my heart, looked strikingly handsome at this moment of calmness. He didn’t close his eyes as my fingers passed his cheek but continued to gaze at me. I found it a little disturbing.
"I need to clean up," I said and attempted to sit up on the bed. I winced at the sudden burning sting at my lower part but could avoid a hiss so not to alarm him. I went to the bathroom and took a fast shower. I didn’t bother with dressing back up. When I got back Touya was still lying in his former position but got rid of the condom and got his pajama bottom up in the meantime.
"Want me to take shower too?" he asked.
Well, it'd be nice, I thought. But I didn’t say it; I only shrugged and lay back on the rumpled sheets. He didn’t waste time to shift close to me and cradle me almost possessively in his arms. He was a bit sticky but his skin was almost fully dried and it surprised me that after some time I actually found the closeness comfortable. I didn’t notice how much our former activity took out of me till I closed my eyes and drifted into sleep immediately.
When I opened my eyes next it was already morning and I was alone in my bed. I closed my lids trying to sleep in a little more and then I heard the sounds of water running in the shower. The door to my room was slightly ajar. I lifted my head but then I thought otherwise and rolled onto my stomach. As I moved a sharp little sting between my legs caused me to wince but when I remembered the most likely cause of it I was surprised it only hurt that much. And that I actually allowed him to do _that_ to me. Maybe the next thought - that next time it sure as hell would be the other way around - should have also fazed me if my mind weren’t so cloudy from sleep. What did make me so sure it would come a 'next time'?
I was lying on my stomach for a long time, eyes closed, trying hard not to think about last night, when I heard him coming in and then felt the other side of the bed dip under his weight as he first sat down then stretched out beside me.
"I know you are not sleeping," he said almost grumpily. His voice sounded anything like content and happy; more like earnest and somehow angry.
I crooked an eye open and squinted at his solemn face that managed to provide him with a commanding appearance - despite the fact he wasn’t wearing anything beside a towel wound around his hips.
"I have to speak with you."
"So? Go on," I said with a deliberately slurry voice as if I was still half asleep. I didn’t want to have this talk right then although I knew we had to have it sometime soon.
My eyes jerked wide open when I felt his palm cradle my cheek I wasn’t lying on. Now he got my full attention but he kept his hand there still. So he wanted to talk, I thought. Why not? I mentally prepared myself on a long and painful discussion about 'whys' and 'how nexts' so his next question caught me unawares.
"Last night when you said that about illusions being sometimes more real, were you speaking about someone in particular?"
I was about to deny it, when the truth in his words sank in. He was right. It sounded like Sai. He was the illusion of my life. I was suddenly startled to feel hot, and prepared myself to the stinging ache in my heart that was bound to come when I was reminded of him and the panic I felt every time when his existence was near to be discovered. But the pain wasn’t so strong now like before and it didn’t scare me now that someone asked about him. In fact I knew it was only because that person was Touya. I promised to tell him about my secret one day, didn’t I? But after the short-lived thrill of the moment, in that I said those words, died down I never found the courage in myself to actually make them true. I still didn’t think that he would have actually believed me if I told him all as it happened, but it felt right that he should know about him if only from a different aspect.
I know my face must have been bearing a funny expression, because Touya looked at me stupefied, maybe even a little scared. I saw him open his mouth to apologize but I beat him for it saying, "Yes".
I still don’t know how I was able to speak to him so freely about my feelings for Sai, and yes, I told him the name. He was surprised, to put it mild. More like shocked, and not just because I was only fourteen when he disappeared - too young for a relationship. I explained that our bond wasn’t that of lovers, more like tutor and apprentice and maybe something akin a very close friendship. So close I haven’t realized that it meant more for me till it was too late. That's why I felt that he was an illusion that I wasn’t meant to reach ever. And that he was - besides the obvious. I didn’t elaborate the circumstances to his disappearance; I think he assumed Sai just died. And he did in a way.
The need to believe is a funny thing. He didn’t doubt my explanation for a second, didn’t ask about the first two games we played against each other - I mean Sai played against him through my help. And I knew he probably never would, still…
"Do you think it is futile to chase after an illusion?" he asked after a few minutes silence.
The question was vague but I knew what he meant to ask. Just like Sai was my illusion, the illusion he was pursuing was I.
"If you don’t have any prospect to reach it, I suppose it is."
He looked at me then sat up on the bed turning his back to me. I could see his dark silhouette against the window. His voice was tiny; I barely managed to decipher his words when he spoke next.
"…do I?"
I was afraid he would ask that. And I knew I mustn’t lie about it. But unfortunately the only answer that didn’t sound to me as a lie was neither the negative, nor the positive.
"I don’t know… I honestly don’t know…"
--------------------
In the afternoon we went to the Go Institute together. He managed to arrange his prosecutors to assemble there for a 'discussion' of the situation. I was there with him and Amano-san who got invited by the commission, but stood on his side since the beginning. But of course Touya didn’t want anyone to interfere. He could deliver a worthy fight himself like he always did. But he was condemned to lose this time.
He was told, that the recent occurrences on his side reflect badly on the community of Go and his participation is no longer wanted. If he would have been a lousy player no one would have paid attention to him, he could have remained like before the incidents. But unfortunately his name was bound to appear at the center of attention. They told him straight that he had no future in that department anymore, that he wasn’t going to hold any title and they wouldn’t allow him to represent the institute on any significant event, like national or international tournaments, seminars, etc.
Of course he could retire silently because of personal reasons and spare himself the embarrassment.
They just looked at him with uncaring eyes, some of them nigh on hateful, some displaying a bit of compassion.
"You people really are willing to throw away such a talent?" Amano-san asked with indignation. He got no answer.
I saw Touya's hand - closely fisted beside his thighs - begin to tremble slightly as he turned towards the journalist and told him with a calm, controlled pace of determination, "You can publish my retirement and the cause as well. I don’t want to hide anything."
I choked and nearly yelled at him "What?" but lastly I could control myself not to do so and embarrass him more. I understood his decision. He couldn’t fight something that he hadn’t had the prospect to win against. It would have been futile to attempt that. But I realized just how alone I would be without him there to be my rival. And if he cannot play as a professional he wouldn’t be likely to remain where everything reminded him of what he has lost. He wouldn’t want to stay near me, the proof of what he could have been.
At that moment my mind went blank. I could see my future without Touya Akira. Without my eternal rival, the cause of all the relevant things I achieved and would achieve in my life. He would leave, just like Sai. And he would take away the meaning of my life. Not only as a rival, a fellow Go player, he was much more than that. It was when I realized, that it doesn't matter how I call him. Weather I name him my friend or my lover (love even). If I were to lose him it would hurt the same.
An instant later I found myself standing next to Touya. Looking at the committee and speaking to Amano-san, but my words were directed to him. "If he goes, I'll go with him. You can write that along with the rest."
I felt eyes staring at me from all directions but I only cared for one set of icy blue irises widened with surprise and fear. I didn’t look at him. Didn’t have the courage to do so and retain the pretense of false confidence. Before he or anyone could say anything I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him out of the stuffy room with uncaring audience along the long floor towards the elevator, then after the ride down out of the building and down the streets still clutching his arm like I expected him to vanish into thin air if I dropped my hold on him.
Neither of us spoke a word the whole way long. We got home and then I don’t remember how we ended up on the sheets tangled together again in a mass of limbs and sweaty skin. We made love – I couldn’t conveniently think of it as just a fuck between friends anymore. It was more especially after the revelations I had that day. He saw what I needed and let me be in control this time. But I was still confused, my mind torn between what felt safe or what felt right. It would take time.
After the passion cooled down and we were laying on the bed satiated and lazy with bodily and emotional fatigue, he asked me only one word: Why? But I couldn’t word the thoughts swirling in my mind. So I only sad to him: Because it felt right.
He nodded with acceptance and went to sleep in my arms where I soon followed him.
TBC.
A/N: sorry for the long wait. Thank you for all of you who reviewed or who read the fic. You see it nears the end now and I hope it wont take so long than this part. There is some nc-17 (lemon) part in the middle what is only available in the mediaminer.org version. I didn’t rewrite it I only cut it out from the one I posted on FF.net.
A/N 2: Some of you mentioned my lack at proper English grammar and probably some typos. I told you I suck at English having learnt only 2 years and not that intensive too. Also I don’t have a beta-reader. But if anyone is willing to do that for me, I would appreciate it. Not that I write too much, see I don’t know when I will be able to post any other fic I wrote or am about to write, so… If anyone feels like it, I would be glad for suggestions about this one, because the first chapters are in severe need of it.
You can send corrections at: sourcherrymagic@yahoo.com. Thank you for reading.