InuYasha Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Urusei Yatsura Fan Fiction ❯ The Official Fanfiction University of Rumiko Takahashi! ❯ Badfic: The musical! ( Chapter 20 )

OFURT chapter 20

The students absolutely did NOT want to get their exam results back, but the next day, envelopes were sent to everyone with their scores.

Cait sighed glumly as she read over hers. "At least I only failed 'Lingerie modeling.' Her marks were nothing to brag about, but some had done worse.

Pia was wailing about her 'Nicknames' class mark. "How was I supposed to know that the name 'Sessho-chan' isn't acceptable? It's not fair, Sessho-chan sounds so cute!" Her pet, Sessho-chan the mini Sessho-maru, floated out of his rabbit hutch and cuddled Pia.

After breakfast, there was a school assembly in the theater. After a long wait, and the sounds of bangs and arguing behind the curtain, Ranma came out onto the stage. He tapped the microphone to test if it was on, then reluctantly began to speak.

"Good morning, students." The crowd mumbled 'Good morning.' Ranma read from a piece of paper in his hand. "I'm sure you are all very pleased with your exam results." Groans and mumbles came from the student body. Ranma smiled evilly. "The second trimester will start on Monday, but until then you can relax and prepare for your next set of classes." This got the attention of the audience.

"Yes, your new classes. Although, since some of the faculty think that some of your old courses should be repeated, which they will, you will be taking new classes in the second trimester." Ranma paused, then said very quietly "We have also found the 'no hurting students' rule to be dangerously out of touch with the ethic fiber of this University, and has thus been repealed."

Instant clamor.

Students immediately panicked. "Nooooo!" was the cry heard from all over the theater.

"Calm down! Dr. Tofu and Kaede have built a whole new addition to the infirmary, just for you. Aren't you happy?" More wails of terror followed, the Kasumi-induced absent-mindedness of Dr. Tofu was not the thing to comfort them with. Ranma kept talking. "By the way, now that you've become acquainted with the University and your classmates, we will be holding Student Council elections in the near future."

Pia nudged Cait and mouthed 'Food Reform!' silently. Cait shook her head and blushed.

"Whatever." Ranma shook his head. "Just letting you know; we, your teachers, have been preparing a sort of... educational theatrical performance. A informative play. We'll be performing it later today, so make sure you are back the theater by 6:00, right after an early dinner. You have the rest of the day free."

This was the first good news the students had heard all day. As they rushed out of the crowded theater, Cait and Pia decided to go with some other kids and explore the campus. "We haven't had much free time to just walk around at all!" Pia said excitedly. "Maybe we'll find some exciting hidey-places where we can hide when Ten and Toto-sai go wild with their fire-breathing!" Pia raced ahead of them, peeking under bushes and trees.

The campus of OFURT was very pretty, despite the horror that went on inside its walls. There were lots of flowers, recently regrown from the last fire-breathing incident. Walking out of the student dorm building, (which had been built by the students themselves as you remember) a stone path led to the mess hall, where they ate and Akane's Cooking class took place. Next to it was a large building where most of their classrooms were. Some, like Ryoga's Wilderness Orienteering, and Kagome's and Kikyo's Archery class took place on the grounds, about 200 meters to the right. Cait wondered what new classes they would be taking next trimester. The partially demolished staff building loomed on the horizon, casting an ominous shadow on the mess hall. The reason that it was partially demolished was shared between a caffeine-hyper Inuyasha, a sleep-walking Ten, and an woken-up-angry Shampoo, but no one knew what _exactly_ had happened, only that not one of them slept that night. (Don't go crazy with your hentai mind now, nothing like _that_ happened.) Beside the staff building, there was the infirmary, which was how their day's adventure got started.

Eventually their expedition led them to the back of the staff building. They stared at the crumbling building like a kid looks at a store full of toys.

"It's big..." Pia drooled slightly

"And forbidden..." Cait looking longingly at the building.

"And...oh my god, the door's open!" Reiko, whose dorm was right next to Cait and Pia's, squealed excitedly. "Let's go in!"

Cait immediately felt her inner oracle scream 'NO!' really loudly. But of course, she said "Cool."

Pia sped up to the door, rushing in. All of a sudden, a large panda hit her on the head, and she fell down, unconscious.

"Oh my, I'm sorry!" Kasumi peeked out of the infirmary, which was conveniently located right next to the staff building. "Were you caught by that naughty trap set by my colleagues?"

Cait made up a lie. "We were... going to help repair the crumbling building, but she... tripped and fell, then..." She pointed to Pia, who was pinned under a fat panda.

"Oh my! I'll go call him off at once. I'm terribly sorry about this..." Kasumi whistled to the panda. "Come on, Mr. Saotome! You're hurting the poor student!"

The Panda, now revealed as Ranma's father, rolled off of Pia and waddled back into the Infirmary, carrying Pia over his shoulder.

"She'll need to be treated." Kasumi said pleasantly. "Please come inside."

Cait and Reiko followed Kasumi into the Infirmary. "This brings back baaaaaad memories for me..." Cait said, remembering the time she was hospitalized from the gooey green OOC-niichuan influenced... but it was better not to bring such up. She and Reiko sat down in the waiting room. Cait picked up a nearby magazine, then another. "'Sessho-chan obsessers monthly?' 'Slash-fic times?' 'Kikyo bashers bonanza?' 'Mary sue..." Cait stopped reading off the titles of magazines. Reiko, on the other hand, read them intently. Cait stared at the ceiling, waiting for Pia to come out.

THREE HOURS LATER

"Did you know that if only someone would bash Kikyo on the head 666 times, she would die for good? That's just awful, why would someone want to do that?" Reiko read from a magazine. Cait was ready to die of boredom. She would have fallen asleep, but the receptionist Kasumi always played loud rap music, and Cait was sitting right next to a speaker.

"Ain't nothing but a gangsta party..." she hummed along to the song. It was the fifth time she'd heard the CD which Kasumi had on a loop. Of course, it was a good change from the University's policy of not bringing any music from home to OFURT.

"Yeah..." Reiko nodded to the beat of the music. 'This 'All Eyez On Me' shit is so dope... Have you noticed that in Tupac's Greatest Hits Album, they censor out the words 'Dolores Tucker' in 'How do U want it,' but in 'All Eyez On Me' it isn't? Interesting..."

"Only if you're obsessed with Rap, Reiko. I wish Pia would hurry up and get better... we might be late for that 'educational performance' the teachers prepared." Cait sighed.

"You know..." Reiko said brightly "I'm the reason that we get to listen to rap music in the waiting room." She smiled at Cait's puzzlement. "In a blundered attempt to suck up to the teachers about our new 'Healing and Treatment of Students' class, Kasumi got the impression that I actually cared about it, so I get to pick music and video games."

"Video games?" Cait was puzzled. "In a waiting room?"

"Well, not in this waiting room, in the other one. See, when they added on to the building they added a new waiting room..." Reiko stood up. "Let's go to that one! It has games, at least." Cait and Reiko got up and walked through the building to get to the other waiting room.

When they got there, what greeted them was Pia with a bandage on her head, undergoing what seemed a vigorous Halo tournament with Miroku.

"Ha! I won again!" Pia exclaimed. "Hi Cait, hi Reiko! Wanna play? I keep beating Miroku. What took you so long? I've been waiting for hours!"

There was a momentary silence, then Cait grabbed Pia's head and shook it. "WE were waiting for YOU!"

Pia brushed her hands off. "Watch it, I'm recuperating. I guess that's the problem with having two waiting rooms." She smiled sweetly.

Miroku threw down his controller in aggravation. "I just cannot seem to master this... 'Halo' thing... from the future!" He stomped off, full of anger.

Pia shrugged. "He's a sore loser. Wanna play?"

Cait and Reiko dragged her away from the game before she could start another game. They let her go once they were outside.

Reiko suddenly gasped, looking up. "The staff building!"

A deliberative silence followed. "Should we try it?" Cait whispered, event though they were the only ones there.

"Yeah!" Pia was about to run in, but Reiko and Cait restrained her.

"If we're going to do this, we'll do it with TACT." Reiko said quietly. She climbed up to a window on the building, and nudged it open. She skillfully jumped in. Sticking her head out the open window, Reiko called "It's OK, no one's there!" Cait and Pia jumped through the window.

They were inside what looked like a fire staircase. In a place like this, there was plenty need for one. Reiko pointed to a metallic door several meters away. "Let's go!" They went through the door carefully, and thankfully no alarm sounded.

The entrance hall was... incredibly nice. Cait had been in the staff section one other time, as Pia had, but that was only to the teachers' apartments upstairs. Here there were lounging sofas and plasma TV's and magazines that weren't boring, as the ones in the Infirmary reception had been.

"Cooooool...." Reiko gasped at the place. "Let's go upstairs!" She raced up the cascading stairs, followed by Cait and Pia.

As soon as they were upstairs, Cait, Pia, and Reiko snuck around a balcony, but suddenly Reiko put a finger to her lips. "Voices!" she whispered. "Hide!" Reiko dove to the nearest hideout.

Cait hid under a table cloth. Pia hid under a table. Reiko hid behind a wall tapestry of a table with a table cloth.

The voices came closer. Into the hall walked Sango and Kagome, apparently deep in an argument.

"Sango, I tell you, I can't sing! In school we had chorus, and I just can't. You'll have to take the big number." Kagome pleaded with Sango.

Sango shook her head. Cait peeked her head out from under her tablecloth to watch. "There's barely any singing in the 'Mo Mary Sues, Mo Problems' song you made. It is all in that strange form called... rap? And you're the only one who could do the whole... umm... what was the word... 'gangsta' thing, as you call it..."

"But that would make it 'Badfic - the musical' into 'Songfic - the musical!' Actually, that's a pretty good idea... You still have to sing it." Kagome argued.

"Why don't we do it together? I'll sing the chorus and you can... 'rap' the verse. Deal?" Sango said.

"Good enough. We'd better get going, we're supposed to get there early."

Kagome and Sango started to walk down the stairs, but Sango glanced at a certain tapestry of a table with a table cloth. "Kagome... doesn't it look to you like there's someone standing behind that tapestry in a botched attempt to hide regardless of the blatant location?"

"No, just your imagination." Kagome dismissed her conceptions, however correct, and the two walked down the stairs, unaware of the student that actually was hiding there.

After several minutes, Cait, Pia and Reiko crawled out of their hiding places. "That was a close call." Cait said quietly.

"Delinquent students in the staff lounge!" Miss Hinako suddenly appeared, holding a coin. "Go-en-satsu!" she yelled, preparing to drain their auras.

"Quick!" Pia called to her friends, pointing to the window. She jumped out the window, followed by Cait and Reiko.

They sailed through the air, landing in the pool, which was conveniently located right under the window. Pia was the first to get out, now transformed into her rabid squirrel form. She nodded her head excitedly. Her unspoken thought were voiced by Reiko.

Reiko smiled wickedly. "That was fun!" she said brightly."Let's sneak in again!"

"No!" Cait cried, dragging Pia and Reiko away before they could attempt it again.

They arrived in the nick of time for the assembly. After changing clothes, and changing Pia back into human, they barely had time for their dinner before it was time to go to the 'educational play' the teachers had set up in the theater.

Shampoo addressed the student body for a change. "Nihao, students! We have today prepared very special play! You see on left, is acting place, where play is. You see on right, is teacher who tell you what wrong with scene! Have nice time watch show!" She took a seat on the right, behind a table. Half a dozen teachers were sitting behind the table on the right, and the left side of the stage was left empty. The lights spelled out 'Act One: the love suicide'

Ataru and Lum came out on stage, only dressed... strangely. While Ataru was wearing a suit (He didn't like that at all), Lum was wearing an incredibly short mini-dress.

Ataru, not a very good actor, said quite blandly, "Lum, my dearest, I am enamored by your splendorous beauty! Please... please say you love me too! I shall die if you do not!" He stuck out his tongue and rolled his eyes.

Lum elbowed him, then read her lines with much more conviction than he had. "Oh, Ataru, I cannot say so. I love only Rei, and for you I can never make a place in my heart. Farewell!" Rei, her former fiancee, appeared on stage, picking her up and swishing her away.

A bright light shone on the teacher table, and the actors froze while Ukyo stood up. "First thing;" Ukyo said dryly. "Ataru knows that Lum would never fall for something lame for that, or anything else he'd pull. Like he would anyway. And Lum letting herself be whisked away by Rei, it's just too out-of-character to be... let's get on with the play." she sat down, and the light was again on the actors.

Ataru wailed in what was apparently supposed to be grief, but sounded more like pain. (In fact it was, he had just stubbed his toe in the dark.) "Oh, Lum, my dear Lum! How will I ever live without you! Oh my sweet, beloved... it is better not to live than live without you!!!"

Ataru took out a butter knife from his pocket, and started to sing the first line of 'My Heart Will Go On.'

"Every night in my dreeeeeeeams, I see yoooouu, I feeeeeeeeeeeel yooooooouuu...." Ataru's horrible singing voice cracked a rafter, and an anvil fell down from the ceiling, missing Ataru by millimeters. He got the point, and started something else.

"To be... or not to be... that is the question!" The lights went off, then suddenly Ten made a creepy face, holding a flashlight underneath his head.

After Ataru had sufficiently beaten up Ten and kicked him off the stage, he pretended to stab himself by placing the butter knife underneath his arm and turning sideways. "Good bye world... Goodbye moon... Goodbye stars... Goodbye yummy candy bars..." A mallet, thrown by Akane, collided with his head. Ataru fell, unconscious, to the floor.

Lum ran onto the stage again, for no apparent reason. "Oh my goodness, Ataru darling! You have killed yourself for my sake!" She took up the knife tucked behind Ataru's arm, and pretended to stab herself! "I only loved you, darling!" She fell, pretending to be dead, next to Ataru.

As the lights cut to the table, stage hands dragged the unconscious Ataru off stage while Lum floated off stage. Ukyo once again stood up. "Under no circumstances would Ataru, or any other character, just all up and kill themselves because of such a triviality as being rejected in love. Or singing old love songs, but whatever. Next scene."

The lights spelled out 'Act Two: the OOC lime' That got some attention from the audience. "At least it's not lemon..." Cait grumbled.

Ranma walked onto the stage. He blushed, mouthed to the table 'Do I really have to do this?' The nodded. Ranma blushed again, then said, a bit loudly, "I feel really horny today!"

A gigantic roar of laughter rose from the audience. Ranma looked like he wanted to crawl into the floor.

From the side of the stage, a giant hot tub was wheeled in. Akane was sitting in it, and she also looked incredibly embarrassed. She said, as quietly as she could "Ooh, Ranma! What are you doing sneaking in to spy on me while I'm taking a bath."

Ranma said, also very quickly"Ihavealwaysbeenattractedtoyou,Akane-chan."

Akane quickly said "Wow,sohaveI,Ranma!Let'smakeloverightnow!"

A few lines more of the same ensued, which were spat out so quickly that soon no one, even the actors, had any idea what the blushing couple was supposed to be saying. Eventually, Kikyo stood up from the table because even the teachers following the script were lost.

"As anyone should be able to tell, not only was 'Akane wanting to be spied on' out-of-character, it was just plain wrong for Ranma to be 'feeling horny,' or Akane just saying 'let's make love!' out of the blue. If you need further explanation, ask them.

Kikyo pointed vaguely to Ranma and Akane, who were ready to sprint off stage. She sat down, and they sprinted out of there so quickly that they almost knocking down the actors waiting to go on.

"The last scene features the embodiment of all your Mary Sues. Her name is SukiKawaiiChibiNeko-chan, and please don't laugh at her name. Some people just think that if you string together your favorite Japanese words that it makes a name." Lum, who was announcing, made a face. She sat down, and the lights spelled out 'Act three: the Mary Sue.'

Inuyasha walked onto the stage. He squinted, confused at first from all the bright lights. Suddenly he remembered what he was supposed to do. Inuyasha started walking briskly around the stage, saying quite loudly "What a lovely day for a walk in the forest!"

Something green a fuzzy jumped out, suspiciously looking like Shippo in a badly made costume. "Boo!" it squealed.

Inuyasha said, very unconvincingly, "Agh, oh no, it's a DEMON, I'd better go kill it." He made some haphazard attempts to grab the 'demon,' but was unsuccessful.

Suddenly, a girl with ankle-length blue-silver hair and overly-sparkling eyes ran out in a shimmering mini-dress. Everyone knew it was the Mary-Sue, SukiKawaiiChibiNeko-chan, by just a glance. Eeeeek! The demon is chasing me! Help me!"

Inuyasha, somewhat reluctantly, called out "I will rescue you. Miss." He ran in slow motion to where SukiKawaiiChibiNeko-chan was lying on the ground, apparently in pain. "Are you all right?" he said dryly.

"I... It's only a scratch." SukiKawaiiChibiNeko-chan held up her arm. Her wrist had what looked like a paper-cut on it.

"Damn straight..." Inuyasha muttered. SukiKawaiiChibiNeko-chan elbowed him. He said, in a falsely worried voice "It looks serious. I will take you to safety. A pretty (He coughed very loudly at this point) girl like you shouldn't be out in the woods alone."

He carried her on his back a couple feet, then plopped her back down on the ground. "You'll be safer here."

"Ooh, thank you kind sir!" SukiKawaiiChibiNeko-chan said, her overly large eyes sparkling uncannily. "May I inquire as to what your name is?"

"Inuyasha. Who are you." Inuyasha looked as if he wanted to be anywhere but here, acting out in this stupid play with a stupid Mary Sue to teach some stupid students not to write them.

"My name is SukiKawaiiChibiNeko-chan. Thank you for saving me from that wild demon." SukiKawaiiChibiNeko-chan smiled. Inuyasha frowned.

Kagome walked in, then stopped when she saw Inuyasha sitting in the proximity of three feet of SukiKawaiiChibiNeko-chan. "Inuyasha! I trusted you! How could you cheat on me like this?!"

Inuyasha stood up. "Don't worry, Kagome, it's just a play. Afterwards I'll-ouch!" Kagome smacked him on the shoulder, whispered 'I know, I'm acting!' quite loudly, then stalked off the stage.

SukiKawaiiChibiNeko-chan put her arms around Inuyasha. "She's gone. She won't come back."

Inuyasha said "Yeah. Guess so."

SukiKawaiiChibiNeko-chan embraced him. "I've wanted to confess this for a long time, Inuyasha, but... I've fallen in love with you!" Her incredibly large eyes sparkled strangely.

Inuyasha tried to wrestle free, but SukiKawaiiChibiNeko-chan held on. "Gah! Help! I'm sick of this acting!" He threw her across the room. The lights quickly went off on that side of the stage, and Lum stood up again.

"As you can see, Mary Sues are dangerous both for your health and the character you force them to torture. Please do not write them. They are one of the worst things that you can encounter on in writing." On this note, the assembly ended after a chorus of 'Mo' Mary Sues, Mo' Problems,' sung by Sango and Kagome.

"Wasn't it kind of funny, though?" Pia said to Cait, later in their dorm room.

"I guess. I wonder whose fic the SukiKawaiiChibiNeko-chan Mary Sue was from? It sounds like some thing I wrote once, a long time ago..."

"Really? I thought it sounded like something I wrote! A long time ago, of course." Pia hastily added. "Oh well, let's go to sleep. New classes start Monday."

Cait fell asleep thinking about possible names for Mary Sues that sounded worse than SukiKawaiiChibiNeko-chan.

******

Another long chapter! Mo' Mary Sues, Mo' Problems is a play on the Notorious B.I.G. song, Mo' Money, Mo' Problems.

All Mary Sues, namely SukiKawaiiChibiNeko-chan, are based on actual fics, living and abandoned. All similarities are purposeful and not meant for satirical purposes.