InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Confrontation ❯ To Inuyasha With Love... ( Chapter 46 )

Disclaimer: I do not own any of them with the exception of Jouyoku and Miebi Kokushi.

 

Chapter 46: To Inuyasha with Love…

 

Inuyasha sat high in the boughs of Goshinboku, his heart heavy with regret and grief. His legs dangled lazily over the edge while his arms hung limp to either side of him. His back rested lethargically against the bark. The fang that he held dear to him…that protected him and his friends lay a few feet away on the ground, where he had thrown it out of sheer frustration and aggravation.

 

 

After asking Sesshomaru to kill him he had closed his eyes and waited but nothing happened. He prayed for that one blow that would take away the pain he was feeling, and save him from his misery.

 

 

It never came.

 

 

He had sat for hours afterwards; looking out over the vast ocean sprawled out in front of him. Sea gulls dove low, and then rose high into the sky again. Clouds rolled by blocking out the suns' rays. The wind blew softly pushing his disheveled white hair into his face, but he didn't notice any of that. All he heard was his brothers' voice echoing in his head, `If you wish to give your life to someone, then take it yourself.'

 

 

Knowing how utterly distraught and be grieved he was, his stuck-up half-brother still wouldn't aid him in that one simple request. The hanyou had thought at the time that Sesshomaru would have jumped at the chance to be rid of him, but he never made a move, not even an inch. Instead he simply vanished.

 

 

After that encounter the hanyou had attempted to take his own life, but tetsusaiga wouldn't respond to him. It wouldn't transform. The fang wouldn't even pulse in acceptance or rejections, of him. It just ignored him. He tried stabbing himself with the rusty blade but it didn't…it wouldn't even break his skin.

 

 

Frustrated by the blades rejection he jumped up and ran blindly away from the beach, and away from his loves' light scent that still lingered telling him that she had said her goodbyes and that she had left this world and him.

 

 

He didn't know why he came back to this place…this tree. Maybe it was because it was close to the well or maybe because this is what connected him to her at one time.

 

 

He sighed dejectedly; he knew the truth. He had come back here because this is where he would always wait for her when she went to her time and he was too stubborn to follow. This is where he felt nearest to her.

 

 

These branches held his deepest desires…the things he wanted to say to her but couldn't. It held his secrets, and his unnatural desperation to be with her…to hold her.

 

 

Through out the years that they traveled together, these branches knew, didn't they? They knew how he loved her…craved her…desperately needed her. They had kept his private thoughts…every last one of them.

 

 

“Kagome!!!” He screamed into the sky as he felt his soul die just a little more. `Why didn't you wait? Why did you leave me? You promised…you promised you'd stay with me.'

 

 

The tears that he wanted to cry wouldn't fall. His soul was weary…deadened. His eyes were red and swollen from all the tears that had already fallen; his face was streaked and dirty. His body ached and screamed for rest, but his mind wouldn't stop! It wouldn't stop thinking about her…craving her…secretly hoping that she would come back to him.

 

 

It had only been a few hours, almost a day and already, the world around him had transformed into nothing more than a dismal dark damp place. It was void of her smile, her kisses, her hugs, her scent and her aura. Void of everything that he knew…that he hoped would one day belong to only him.

 

From the day of his birth, this life he lived and hated until he met her was nothing but one disappointment after another. Just when he thought things were getting better…when he thought that it was okay to believe and hope, he lost everything he deemed worthy of living for…believing in.

 

`How could you leave me? I would never have left you…never.'

 

Deep down he knew Kagome loved him wholeheartedly and that she would never intentionally leave him, but what else did he have to hold on too? Who else could he blame for this, if not her? The hanyou had to direct his anger at someone and right now, she seemed like a good target, even if he knew in his heart he was wrong.

 

`Stubborn bitch!'

 

Truth be told, the guilt was slowly devouring him from the inside out. How could he have gone so many years without telling her once how he felt or that he loved her with every fiber, blood vessel, muscle, nerve, and capillary of his body.

 

He felt the shame and insurmountable guilt of not being able to protect her…

 

`If she hadn't stayed… If she would've just listened to me when I told her to go home! If I had been strong enough to live without her…to force her to go! If I had just stood my ground and demanded she leave then maybe…just maybe she would still be alive.'

 

There were too many possibilities…too many what ifs! He didn't want to think about it anymore! What good would it do? It wouldn't bring her back and it damn sure wouldn't reverse time, so what was the point!

This wound, unlike the wounds that had finally healed in his chest and back, was fresh and festering, eating at his mind, tearing at his soul pushing him, pulling him to the brink of insanity.

 

The guilt of loosing her…the regret of being too prideful to tell her how he felt and the loneliness… It was a vivacious and determined thing. It wrapped around him, taunted him. It told him that `It' was his mate and that he would have no other! He was meant for no one else! It screamed that he would never be rid of `IT'! No matter where he went or what he did, he would never be without `IT'! Never!

 

`I can't do this. I can't stay here, not without her…I…I…failed…it's my fault. I should have protected her! I never deserved her! She…she was never mine.' With each moment that ticked by, his mind descended a little further below that welcomed blanket of condemnation and self-loathing. `I'm worthless…nothing but a mutt! Why didn't they kill me when I was born, then she would still be alive in her time. Kik…Kikyo would have lived. Everything I touch…everything…it dies. They always leave me…I…I always loose them…always.'

 

Lifting his arm up so that it lay across his face as if he could block out the shame he felt, he mumbled, “I'm so fucking worthless. I'm a bastard whelp…a useless piece of shit! I deserve this…I…I did this. This is my fault…mine!” Gripping the bark of the branch he was sitting on with his free hand until he heard it crack he hissed, “Fuck, Kagome I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.”

 

Inuyasha was so lost in his own mind and the sorrow that filled him; he didn't hear the jingle of the monks' staff as he slowly approached.

 

Miroku hadn't heard all that the Hanyou had said, but he did hear the last half and it tore at his heart.

 

`How wrong he is.'

 

When he had awakened earlier that day to find Inuyasha gone he had silently prayed that by the end of this day he would return with good news.

 

Within a few hours the stoic white lord appeared alone, looking disheveled and exhausted. Sesshomaru didn't say a word to him, just walked into the room where his mate laid sleeping peacefully.

 

A small voice told him that something happened, but he refused to listen. Instead he held steadfast to the belief that Inuyasha would appear with Kagome soon enough. The hours ticked by and still there was neither news nor sign of the hanyou or the miko. That's when he heard it, Inuyasha screaming Kagome's name and he knew…he just knew that she was gone.

 

After making sure that his wife was sleeping soundly, he ventured out to find his friend and offer whatever condolences he could. Even if it meant just sitting there and letting Inuyasha know that he wasn't alone in his grief.

 

Settling down against the base of the tree that his friend was sitting in, Miroku laid his staff across his lap and crossed his arms over his chest as he let his head relax forward and his eyes closed.

 

Since his jaw was still broken, all he could manage was a hissed, “I am sorry for your loss.” Which came out almost inaudible and incoherent, but he knew the hanyou would hear him and understand.

 

There was no reply from Inuyasha, though he did shift so that his arms were once more dangling at his sides.

 

“W…we will miss her dearly.” Miroku whispered with a grimace. He knew he shouldn't have been trying to speak, but how could he afford not to. The pain he caused himself with every word that fell from his lips was nothing when compared to that of his comrade.

 

Inuyasha closed his eyes, tried to block out the monks' words but it was futile.

 

What did one say to someone that had lost a loved one? Was there truly anything that could be said that would actually ease the pain or make the heartache lessen?

 

Swallowing hard, the lecher tried to ignore the ache that raged through the joints in his face. Grinding his teeth together he stated slowly, slurred almost, “Shippo…K…Keade…villagers. We must tell them.'”

 

“No” Inuyasha whispered. If he agreed to having a memorial or to telling anyone of what happened…of her death, then wouldn't that mean that he would have to face the fact that she really was gone? He would have to lay her to rest, per-say.

 

He wasn't ready to do that! He wanted to mourn for her in his own way…he wanted to mourn alone. These people…no one else had a right to cry over her…to miss her! She was his intended…his mate in every way but the physical. “No” he repeated angrily.

 

Miroku heard his reply and sighed, “W…we have t…to tell them.” The monk gulped tried to will away the pain that seemed to grow worse by the seconds. Biting down on his lower lip he closed his eyes and laid his head back against the thick bark of the tree, “Shippo and Keade, they de…deserve…to know.” This was all mumbled through tightly clenched teeth.

 

Anger gripped the hanyou, tied his thoughts into a knot so that all he envisioned was the houshi trying to steal his grief…his memories of her. How dare he try to share something that wasn't his own to give? How dare he try to take this feeling from him?

 

Leaping from the branch he crouched low in front of the Monk his nose almost touching that of his adversary, “I don't give a fuck about what Keade or Shippo know or need to know! This is mine! She was mine!” He hissed hatefully. “I said `NO'!”

 

Miroku stared back at him. His silver mane flaring angrily around him, his golden eyes rimmed with red, and his face streaked with dried blood and dirt. He could see the pain radiating off of his friend, pouring like rain from his pores. He wanted to reach out and hug him, offer him some kind of reassurance, but he knew that would probably get him disemboweled if not worse.

 

Blinking slowly the Houshi swallowed, then glanced away in an attempt to let Inuyasha know that he was not challenging him. “We…we all loved her and we'll all miss her.”

 

Pushing away the hanyou fell hard on his bottom but didn't seem to notice. Crossing his legs Indian style he stuck his arms into the arms of his haori and snarled, “I don't give a fuck! I loved her more; I say who knows what and when! Not you!”

 

The grieving hanyou didn't realize the claim he had just made. Miroku knew however, that this was not the time to point it out, after all hadn't they all already known?

 

Staring at his unjustly angry companion the Monk finally understood, `He's holding on to her. He doesn't want anyone to know, because then it will make it all too real. It's evident that he's aware that she's gone, but he's still hoping that she'll come back. Does he think that this is some kind of dream or trick? Nothing good will come of this. If he lives in denial…if he tries to deal with this on his own…holy Buddha...' Lowering his head he clenched his fists and mumbled, “I'm sorry Inuyasha.”

 

What else could he say? The monks' heart tore into two as his eyes clouded with tears that he didn't want to let fall. “I wish…I wish…I'm sorry.”

 

Standing up abruptly Inuyasha growled, “Why are you crying?” `How dare he cry for her? She was mine!' He knew his thoughts were selfish and that he had no right to be angry with Miroku or anyone that wanted or chose to mourn Kagome, but this was all that he had left; he didn't want to share it.

 

Unable to find the right words to answer the hanyou's question the monk shrugged his shoulders and let his head fall onto his forearms that were now resting on his raised knees. Between the pain in his face, the pain in his heart, and the sound of his heart breaking for the umpteenth time since Jouyoku had appeared, Miroku did the only thing he could. He hid his face in mock shame and let silent tears pour from his eyes.

 

The Inu prince staggered back. He could smell the salt of the houshi's tears, hear his quiet sobbing and he hated him for it! `Bastard'

 

“How…how much more…will we have to loose?” Miroku managed between sobs his head still buried in his arms. He didn't actually expect to get an answer; it was more of a rhetorical question.

 

Inuyasha glared down at the somber monk then sprang back onto the high branch he was sitting on earlier, “Stop your fucking whining! I'm the only one who has that right!”

 

He didn't really want to be mean or heartless, but he didn't know any other way of dealing with what he was feeling.

 

Twilight faded into darkness and the moon slowly crept higher and higher into the starless sky as the two sat in silence each lost in their own private thoughts.

 

Miroku thought of his wife and the villagers. He thought of Shippo and the torment this news would bring him. He had asked one of the village kids that he knew the kit played with about the young youkai's whereabouts. He said the little fox demon had ventured out to a village more than a few days trip from here with one of his little friends and the child's father in order to trade off or sell some goods for supplies.

 

This didn't worry the monk, because he knew the kit would be fine, but what did bother him was how to break the news to him that Kagome was gone.

 

`What weary hearts we hold.'

 

Inuyasha sat stoic on the branch staring off in the direction of the well as if he thought she would come running through the trees at any moment. He tried to quiet the demon with him that begged for control. He tried to will himself to not think…to breath…to stay calm and accept the truth for what it was. `She's gone.' He told himself and yet he still stared into the tree line and even sniffed once or twice hoping to catch her sent. `She's gone.'

 

Hearing the lecher's breathing even out he slouched back against the tree closing his eyes, `thiscan't be happening to me. Not again.' Every pulse of his aura and beat of his heart told him that it was happening and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. `Ka…Kagome'

 

The hanyou drifted fitfully into darkness, lulled into a restless sleep by the hum of the crickets and buzz of the fireflies around him. He welcomed it, prayed that he would wake up and this would've all been a horrible dream…a delusion brought on by a fever during his human night.

 

A cold breeze blew around him brushing across his face causing him to frown, but he didn't open his eyes.

 

The wind picked up jostling his haori and hakama as if to wake him. He fought against it…cursed it then slowly cracked open his eyes.

 

His vision was blurred hazy, he actually felt mildly cross-eyed.

 

He saw what he thought was a firefly so close to his face that he could have chomped down on it if he wanted to; instead he tried to swat it away.

 

It zigzagged, circled around him and came back.

 

`What the hell.' Rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands he silently cursed the damnable thing. Refusing to sit up or show any more interest in the nuisance he turned his head away and stared into the darkness to his left. `Leave me the fuck alone!'

 

He tried to ignore it…pretend it wasn't there, but he couldn't shake the feeling that someone or something was staring at him, boring holes into the side of his head. “If you're here to kill me, then get it over with. I won't fight you.” He whispered softly.

 

There was no response, but he knew someone was there. His senses were never wrong.

 

Reluctantly turning his head towards the thing, he blinked lazily as his eyes took in the small glowing orb. It could have been a soul, but it was much too small for that. Squinting he stared into the orb, through it almost, `is that a face? A woman…the jewel…?' He thought briefly in disbelief, but still that wasn't enough to make him sit up or care not even a little bit.

 

Turning his head away again he stated, “Whoever you are…whatever you are, go away. There's nothing here for you…nothing, unless you wish to take my soul.”

 

A monotone voice that he couldn't discern as male or female filtered into his head, “Hanyou, there has been a wish made in your honor.”

 

Inuyasha blinked once, closed his eyes and tried to still his resolve. “So” He stated in a clipped tone.

 

He could care less about wishes of any sort. If it didn't have anything to do with Kagome coming back to him, he wasn't interested. He didn't care anymore, he didn't want to care anymore; he just wanted this pain to end.

 

A small voice advised him to listen…to pay attention, but his heart was too heavy. His fate had been sealed as far as he was concerned.

 

It hummed softly in his head, her voice…Kagome's voice. It started as a whisper, a suggestion maybe, that wouldn't go away. It only grew louder and louder until he could no longer ignore it…until he didn't want to ignore it. He could hear the pain in the words she spoke and the fatigue she must have been feeling. “Kagome,” he whispered while reaching out lethargically grasping at air. “Wench…wench, where are you?” He asked as if in a daze.

 

“I want Inuyasha to be happy, I want him to live and prosper without regret. I want him to feel every ounce of the love that I was saving for him, and I want him to feel unrepentant when giving it. I want him to smile and laugh, I want him to learn to forgive and let go. Can you do that? Can you grant me that one wish?”

 

“Is that your wish?”

 

“Yes, that is my wish. Please, just let him be happy. That's all I ask. Please.”

 

The hanyou's chest heaved up and down, tightened and contracted. His eyes filled up once more with tears that he quickly wiped away. He understood now, `When Kagome died she must have taken the jewel with her, but then how…how could she wish on it? When Kikyo died she didn't get a wish?' “You're lying, that's not Kagome. I don't know who you are, or what you want, but I do know that just because she died, doesn't mean that she gets a wish!” He stated vehemently.

 

“You misunderstand, hanyou. She did not die of murderous intentions or with hatred in her heart. She gave her life of her own freewill to save the lives of many.”

 

“What in the hell are you talking about?” Inuyasha snarled as he sat up and glared at the now brilliantly glowing orb.

 

“When Kikyo died she took the jewel with her, but she didn't get a damn wish!” That statement only caused to remind him once more of all that he had lost.

 

“Ah, I see your reason for doubting my words.” The orb fell silent for a moment as if it was thinking then stated,“When Priestess Kikyo was protecting the me she did not do so with a pure heart. She did so because she felt it was her duty and a cumbersome one at that. She held resentment towards others, because they had things…families and she did not. She tried to hide her true feelings, and did, from the people around her, but I heard every resentful thought. Every hateful remark or wish she would've made just to be rid of me.” The glow around the orb faded then brightened once more, “The wish she wanted you to make in order to save her from her duties was the most selfish of them all and would've surely backfired had you complied with her.”

 

Inuyasha swallowed hard, he remembered that day. The day he decided that if it would make her happy then he would become human. It had all gone wrong…so wrong, but if it hadn't he would never have met Kagome. So then wouldn't he call that a blessing?

 

“When Kikyo died…she died hating…despising you. Though she said that her reason for taking the jewel into the afterlife was to keep it away from demons, it was more so that had she failed in sealing you, you would not revive and regain custody of it.”

 

Inuyasha sat dumbfounded, staring gape mouth at the thing before him. Did he dare believe what he had just heard?

 

“If she was that bad then why was she entrusted with its protection?” He asked incredulously.

 

“That was not of my doing. It was the priest that placed me in her care, I, personally, never chose her. Hanyou, you may doubt what I say, but she knew the truth. Because of her thoughts and secret wants she would have easily tainted me, but your miko she carried me around her neck without doubt or fear. Kikyo was never pure enough to purify me. That's why she never released me, when I was whole and in her possession. That is also why I returned in the body of the miko…at my choosing.”

 

Inuyasha blinked, “Wha…what are you…”

 

“When Kagome died she purified me accidentally by giving of herself in such a selfless way. I assure you, her thoughts of you hanyou never wavered. Her love for you never faltered nor fractured and her faith in humanity though dim at times, never darkened her soul.”

 

Shaking his head in disbelief, he stuttered, “Why…why would she wish something so stupid? Why didn't she wish to come back to me? Why didn't she…”

 

“She wanted to, but once again her heart was too pure for such a selfish act. So instead she wished for your eternal happiness.”

 

`Kagome, you had a chance to come back to me, but you refused? You wished for something as stupid as my happiness?' Inuyasha thought as the ties that bound his emotion began to slowly unravel.

 

“My time grows short. I only wished to tell you that her wish for your happiness has been granted. Good-bye hanyou. Live well.”

 

 

Inuyasha shook his head, blinked, and tried to form a retort, anything that would get him more information about Kagome. He wanted to know if she was happy, if that monster had hurt her badly. He wanted her to know that he would look for her in the afterlife and then again in his life after that. He wanted her to know that he loved her…that he would always love her and that she should wait for him. No matter where she went, she should wait for him, because he would find her. He would always find her.

 

 

Blinking vigorously he stared around the clearing then down at the sleeping Monk. It was gone…the orb. The clearing was empty except for the fireflies and crickets that had always been there. `Was I dreaming?' Shaking his head again he tried to regain some sort of reasoning, but failed. All he could hear was the echo of that voice blended with Kagome's soft voice repeating her wish over and over like a curse.

 

 

Leaping to the ground, he growled, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up! Stupid bitches! Why would she wish something so fucking stupid?” He needed to walk, splash some water on his face, gather his thoughts and think everything that he thought he had heard, through.

 

 

Trudging through the thicket of downed trees he cursed the night and the air around him. The thoughts running a mile a minute through his head made no sense to him. They only served to confuse him more.

 

 

`What in the hell was she trying to tell me? Why did she say all those mean things about Kikyo? Or…or was it true…could it be true?'

 

 

Walking passed the home that he had built for Kagome, he could tell that Sesshomaru and Rin still hadn't vacated and Sango was still there as well. He honestly didn't care. They could have the house; he had no need for it any longer.

 

 

Picking up speed so that he was trotting, he tried to outrun his thoughts as they turned in the direction of the miko and the memories they had made. How would he ever get over this…her? Why would she wish for him to be happy? Didn't she know that if he didn't have her, there wasn't a chance in hell of him ever being happy?

 

 

`Stupid wench, of course she knew!' He thought angrily as he cleared the short trail that lead to the river and stopped dead in his tracks.

 

 

His heart rate increased to the point that it almost brought him to his knees. He wanted to blink, tried to keep breathing, but he couldn't. His legs wanted to move forward, but his mind refused to process what he was seeing…it refused to acknowledge the scene before him.

 

 

He stood there immobile, the only thought registering in his head, `Ki…Kiky…Kikyo'

 

 

Until Next Time… (All reviews are greatly appreciated; they would help get the chapters out faster…LOL!!)