InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Doll Parts ❯ Clouds ( Chapter 4 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

They say that all thats good can't last forever...and before I would have said fuck that...but now all I say is that there was never anything good. My addiction was a blessing to me when I had it under control...not meaning that I could stop when I wanted to or anything like that, but meaning that when I had stoppped the mental and physical pains by doing some lines. Honestly at that time I didn't care or think that I had been slowly killing myself. I just wanted something to make me feel normal...that would make me feel comfortable with myself. And without realising it I was sinking further into my own darkness, feeling so wrong without any of my precious white powder. It had been maybe two months after I started though that I began getting into much heavier doses. And the reason for that was because with what I normally did I felt ok, at a balance with myself in a way, but when I did more and more lines I began to feel more excited about things, more upbeat. And that was how my slow spiral into despair became a fast whirling fire that consumed me too fast for me to keep up with the pain. Kouga and I had started acting normal to each other again I guess... though I did sometimes notice the longing glances he would give me, I brushed them aside though. I always liked to play the oblivious virgin when it came to boys, men whatever the status. We went to more parties and I never saw InuYasha on the way home from them thank god, that didn't mean in school he stopped staring at me though. For the most part I ignored it, much like I ignored Kouga's lingering stares, but one day it became to much, my body felt too heavy under his stare, and I couldn't help but seek him out in the hallways at lunch.I had been looking for maybe twenty minutes just about to give up and risigning to the fact that he must've gone outside or to the cafeteria with the others. And while I sighed and leaned against a locker that was when I saw him.He was walking torwards me, his eyes holding unshed tears and immense shame. I opened my eyes wider in surprise as he stopped and looked at me. He instantly looked the other way, hanging his head low and trying to fight whatever was going on inside of him. And I walked to him quiet as I could be and placed my hand upon his arm. He didn't shake me away or have an immense out burst, and in my own way I knew he wouldn't have done either."Wench." he said his voice coarse from hold in sobs. Real men don't cry was probably his motto."Hi." was all I could say, smiling slightly at him, letting down my guarded eyes for a moment, and as he looked into them I felt my mind stutter, so unused to what was happening, I didn't stop it though, instead I slid my hand down his arm and took his own in mine. "What could make you so sad InuYasha? What could make you as sad as this?" I wondered quietly more to myself than to him."The truth." was all he said to me...still looking in my eyes."How can that be when everythings a lie?" and with that I put my guard back up and took my hand away, looking at him gently as I walked away completely forgetting the real reason I wanted to find him.Bad boy Rows and flows of angel hairAnd ice cream castles in the air And feather canyons everywhereI've looked at clouds that wayMoons and Junes and Ferris wheels The dizzy dancing way you feelAs every fairy tale comes real I've looked at clouds that way The rest of the week went by and still his eyes haunted me, every once in a while I would find him looking at me like he wanted to come over and say something, then watch as it suddenly dissapeared, almost as if he had snapped back into reality. and while it surprised me I simple sat with my friends and smiled and laughed, not even knowing what they were talking about. Just feeling the buzz wear off from my high and resenting the way I felt I could crawl out of my skin."I can't keep buying this Kouga. I can't afford it. I fucking bled my college fund dry." "Would you do anything for it Kagome?" he asked, his voice seeming tainted in a way that made me want to run away."Perhaps." I said trying to remain unfeeling to him, somewhere I knew what he meant but the bigger part of me wasn't accepting the truth.He didn't say anything else though, simply gave me the bag and took my money. "That should last you a while if you use it wisely lovely." I blanched at his seeming new pet name for me. And almost choked on my tongue when his hand came to caress my face. And as his lips drew closer to mine I ran away.I stopped running when I was a street away from reaching my home. My heart was pounding from running and I could hear and feel the pulse of my blood in my head. I managed to make it home without passing out the feeling of my legs turning me into jelly surely slowing me down though.I had told myself then that I would just go home and use the bag wisely...make it last maybe two weeks instead of two days. That didn't happen though, and it was after a week that I was out, of both the powder and the money to buy it. And though I tried to go without it for a day my body was in immense pain, and mentally I was probably ready to just about shoot myself. I tried not to go to him. I tried to be strong and just live without the drug. But the pain and need won over, and I found myself knocking on his door before I could even comprehend how I got there. "Kagome..." he said stepping aside and letting me in."Kouga." "You need more so soon?"All I could do was nod."Did you bring me any money?" And while shaking my head no, I faced away from him and began to strip myself of my clothing until I stood there in nothing but my bra and bikini cut panties. But now they only block the sun They rain and snow on everyoneSo so many things I could've done But cloudsI shuddered visibly as I heard him make his way torward me, felt his hot breath upon my skin. I shivered as his ran his hand across my stomach, across my breats, and I was about ready to crumble when that same hand caressed my face. No. This all was not out of pleasure, but out of sheer disgust and shame for myself. I had stooped low to get what I needed, my train of thought back then though as long as I got what I wanted I didn't care how I got it. Without even really noticing he picked me up and carried me to his room and laid me upon his soft bed. No he wasn't gentle like a lover would be, and he was all hazey eyed and drunk on the sight of me. He was simply lustful and horny, and my only comforting thought about that whole expirience was that he seemed pretty honest about it.I thanked whoever was listening that he didn't really take time to explore my body, or try foreplay, he simply and truly just fucked me. It wasn't hard or rough, and it wasn't slow and sweet. Just a fuck. And the only time I felt good was when he grunted and got off of me, simply throwing a baggy to me before he rolled over to sleep. Quickly I got out of his bed and put on my clothes wanting to get out of there as soon as possible.I cried the whole way home. My body still in pain and my mind in overdirve. I felt sick, and tried hard not to throw up but ended up doing so anyways. I was disgusted with myself. No. Disgusted wasn't strong enough of a word. I had gotten my need though, and that was all I tried to focus on for the next few days.You know its strange...you'd think doing more than enough lines two times a day would sufice my craving but it didn't. And I had actually ended up bringing some with me to school every day, and ended up doing it in the janitors closet during lunch. No one questioned my absence, or really cared too caught up in their gossip and their important status. And it went like that for a few days, everything seemingly normal as I drugged myself into oblivion. One day though...changed everything for me..."Oh my god!" screamed Yuka"Wha...What happened?" Eri followed after, and everyone else in the group gasped. I should have cared at what they were croaking about...I didn't though...that was until Ayame came.Her face was bruised slightly and her eye was blackened, she walked with a pain in her step, and pain to me that was all too well known. She had missed school the two days before and everyone simple shrugged it off as the flu or something. "Ayame what happened?" questioned Ami."I...fell. You all know how clumsy I can be at times." Clearly no one believed her but pushed her no further.Later that day when Ayame and I were alone in the girl's bathroom, I questioned her again. She was going to lie to me again but I caught her before she could. "I know you didn't fall. Come on you can tell me. I don't judge remember?" I said with a slight fake laugh. It was practiced so well though that even I couldn't tell anymore."He raped me Kagome! He hit me and raped me!" my eyes opened wide and I took her now sobbing body into my arms."Who did Ayame? Who?" my voice was soft yet it wasn't, I sounded so lost and surprised. How could anyone every hurt sweet innocent Ayame?"Kouga...and I thought he loved me...I mean after all he still saw me every day even after he dropped out of school." she sobbed into my chest, and my mind reeled at all the information I recieved. So she had been with Kouga even after he dropped out...she had been with him when he went to all those parties and fucked other girls, she had been with him when he fucked her."He was so drunk...I had never seen him like that before and...and he was just so crude and cruel and he forced me down and...." Kagome held her tighter her heart for once going out to a girl in her group who coudl now actually be on the same level as her. It was comforting in a sick way."Shh Ayame....its okay." and I closed my eyes tight holding her still trying to believe that it really would be okay. We stayed that way until the bell signaling lunch had began rang and while she returned to our group I stayed in the bathroom, taking my baggy out of my tiny pocket in my school uniform.Angel dust gets in your eyes, your hair On acid stars you're getting thereMy body's assembled into A little itty-bitty gift to youWhen you die, I've looked at life that wayMy hands were shaking as I clutch the bag and made my way out of the bathroom and into the janitors closet. I had done so many lines...I didn't even count how many in truth. I just kept pouring out my white ecstasy and seperated it quickly. I stopped everything though when the world became hazy and spun around me, and when I felt something warm trickle down my lip, I barely recognized it as a nose bleed.Uh oh. Definetly not a good thing. And when I registered that I slowly but tiredly tried to scramble out of the janitors closet. When I finally did make it to the hall, I had to use the door to help me stand, and I vaugely recognized the bell signaling that lunch was over. I tried to make it to my locker which wasn't too far away and only fell down in the process. Decidedly I crawled there instead ignoring the looks of the students now forming a slight circle around me,. Everything felt so funny, and my head felt like it was about to explode, blood was still falling from my nose and and stopped crawl instead prefering to just lay on the cold tile of the school hall.I heard so many voices around me all of them worried, some even seemed to be screaming, but I didn't know who was speaking at all. My head hurt so much and all I wanted to do was fade away and stop feeling. And as I slowly closed my eyes the last thing I saw was the sad boy with golden brown eyes.I woke up a day later in a hospital, my head hurt like hell and my whole body ached. I found that I couldn't even move my finger without it feeling like I was about to die from exhaustion. And so when I looked to my side and saw my mother sitting there in a chair beside me, just sitting and staring....I was too tired to be scared."Kaogme..." came her soft tired voice. I remembered when it was lively and kind....not this. "The doctors are surprised your alive...they said you wouldn't wake up until tommorow, but I guess your a person who always likes to surprise others whether it be good or not." her voice held anger now, a tired anger, and laced with it was a heavy dissapointment. "Don't expect me to shed tears for you...I did that yesterday...and don't expect me to be understanding. I'm so dissapointed, I'm so tired and angry and...its like what I do for you is never enough! Never never never! Well I have news for you Kagome DEAR you aren't the only one hurting. You aren't the only one who lost somebody special to them." my mothers voice held such a venom then, such a fire that I hadn't heard in a long time...such a sadness. And all I could do was close my eyes as the tears came.I spent five weeks in that damn hospital, my body recovering from such a heavy over dose, and the withdrawls. I somehow managed to mildly keep up with my school work. I wondered vaugly what everyone at school thought, and surprisingly at the moment I didn't care. I just wanted to go home, but was sorely disapointed when I learned my mother had signed me up for two months in a rehab...I was scared too."This will help you Kagome. You'll see. The doctors say you need this, and I for one believe them.""Momma no! NO! Momma I just want to go home!" I cried sitting on the edge of my hospital bed eyeing the bag my mother brought with her no doubt it was full of my clothes. "Kagome please. Don't make this any harder." came he tired voice, and I was about to continue when I saw her eyes. They were so pained and dull, and had no vigor what so ever left in them. I closed my mouth then looking away from her haunted eyes and agreed numbly. "I love you honey. Just remember that." and with that she left leaving the suitcase before the door, and I was alone...just waiting to be trasferred to a different part of the hospital.But now it's just another show You leave 'em laughing when you goSo, so don't let them inside, don't let them knowDon't give yourself away"My name is Kagome and I have been a user for three months." was what my monotone voice had said as I attended the first group meeting. Everyone just nodded their head, some even smilled slightly as I sat down. I felt so out of place here, so wrong and akward. I didn't want to be around these people...I wasn't one of them. But the sick truth was...that I was one of those people...I had the same pale and sickly look, the same lost eyes. "Welcome Kagome. I'm Rin, your group advisor." she smiled at me kindly, and I felt a little sicker inside. Her eyes held pity, and I didn't fucking want it. Instead of voicing that feeling though I simply nodded my head and the rest of the group continued on, all the while I spaced out and lost myself to my thoughts.I thanked god I didn't have personal therapy that day, and retired to my room, trying to ignore my roommates accusing stares. I couldn't ignore her voice though."You think you don't belong here don't you? You think you're better than everyone else. Well deary you're not. You belong here just like us...you're just as filthy as us, just as lost and chained. Don't think yourself any higher than a slave here." her voice was cold and utterly cruel. And there was not a single trace of sympathy or understand in her seeming red orbs.I didn't answer her vicious attack though, instead I simply laid on my bed and faced the wall burrying my head into my thin pillow. When I woke up she was gone and the door to our room was left wide open, not that I cared but still... I got up slowly and wandered in the halls for a while before being usheder by a nurse into the quaint cafeteria to eat lunch.I never felt more out of place then as I had no where to sit other then a table that was located near the front, with no occupants. And as I started to eat my slop of food alone a girl came and sat with me, her eyes devoid of all emotion, and silently she said hi. I said hello back and studied her appearence. Her hair was a white blond and her eyes an a dark black brown, her skin was deathly pale and basically blended in with her white shirt. She said nothing more to me the rest of lunch and I found her to be very creepy but comforting all at once. She was better than my roommate at least."So your name is Kagome right?" a slob of a man named Manten said."Yes sir.""And you used cocaine for three months you say?""Yes." he jotted something down quickly on his notepad and looked at her through his think out of date glasses."What made you start using?""A lot of things.""Like...""Normaility. The idea of being normal made me use." it was a simple enough answer."I see...and how did stooping to such an extreme make you feel?" this man sucked at being understanding and I really couldn't see how he ever got a job as a therapist here."How does being bald make you feel?" I said bitingly.He widened his gaze at me before jotting more in his little notepad, and the rest of the session went by unsucessfully.I stayed there maybe two weeks before I called my mother and begged her to take me home. I told her I'd never disapoint her again, I promised her I'd never lie to her again. And it was when I started to cry that she finnaly gave in and took me home. I was so happy when I saw her, I hugged her. And while that may seem normal to do, I haven't hugged my mother in about 2 years. "Oh Kagome, my baby girl. I missed you." she sighed to me."I missed you too Momma." I said before getting into the car.I was thankful I went home on a weekend, giving me enough time to collect my thoughts, my fears and my pride. The whole process had taken close to two months and there was maybe only 4 months left of school seeing as it was winter. The whole process had been painful physically, and now even though I was over it I would still feel as if I didn't belong in myself. And though it sounds confusing that was the only way to describe it. To say I was scared to go back to school was an understatement. I was ready to piss myself when Sunday came and I realised that I'd have to face everyone the next day. I didn't want to be the outcast again...before I had been an outcast for merely two weeks and I couldn't even handle that... How would the next two years of my life be? Would I always recieve dirty looks and whispers? Would anyone see past my mistake and help me? Or would my silent scream fall on deaf ears. I found the answer when Monday came."Did you hear? Kagome's back...""The one who OD'd?""Yeah..."I tried to ignore the whispers the stares but the harder I tried the louder they got...."She probably did it all for attention...I mean who would OD in the middle of school then crawl around on the floor like some fucking lunatic?" laughter followed that jab."Yeah...she'd fit right in with the other freak...he probably won't even want her." and laughter followed that one too...I shook MY head looking around for my old friends, looking for one friendly face. Finally I found my old group and rushed to them, smiling until she saw their looks. Eri and Ami just walked away. Leaving Yuka and Ayame behind to stare me down."Hey guys..." I said quietly."Kagome..." said Ayame."I'm sorry Kagome...but I just can't talk to you anymore...not after what you did...You know how embaressing it was for us all after that? Being friends with a loser druggie? God...how and why you could even do suck a thing is beyond me really..." Yuka said bitterly before walked off, leaving me to look pleadingly at Ayame. Surely she wouldn't be as cruel...not when I offered her comfort that day... she simply shook her head sadly and walked off...and I was left standing there in the hallway all alone surrounding by stares and whispers.But now my friends are acting strange They shake their heads man, they say I've changed, wellWell, something's lost, rearranged From living every, every, every, I'veI finished that school day numb, I had already cried in the girl's bathroom twice and that served me no comfort so why bother? I hated everyone when I started to walk home and held a scowl on my face. How could they all be so shallow? How could they just...abandon me? And deep inside I knew the answer...deep inside I knew that this would happen all along."Oi wench!" she stopped suddenly at the sound of that voice and turned slowly around to be faced with none other than InuYasha."Please...not today..." I whispered before turning around. "Any day but today..." I was surprised though when I felt a warm hand upon my own cold one, the winter wind blowing my hair around me and I whirled around to face the strange blond boy."Its okay...you know I'm not like them..." his voice was gruff yet soft, and instantly I found my wall of numbness broken and I fell to my knees sobbing, he fell with me and held me close barely rocking me back and forth like a mother would. It was so strange to be held by InuYasha a boy who had hated me, who had shown no signs of open sympathy before I went to the hospital. How was it that he was the one reaching out to me now instead of me to him? How did he know the exact time to show up?"I hate them! I hate them! They're bastards each and every one of them!" my voice was hoarse and I was beating his chest with my fist at each word. My face was red and cold and my knees stung from the blow of cold concrete. "I can't go home right now InuYasha...I can't..." and silently he got up and led me torwards the park I had been to that night long ago, and before I knew it we were in front of a rickety old apartment building. He led me up the winding stairs and into a cozy little one bedroom apartment. It wasn't anything really impressive, with an old couch and tiny T'V an Xbox placed before it with wires seemingly every where."I don't know why I'm being this way with you...Its really confusing me...and a Little part of me wants to fucking yell and scream..." he said to me quietly as we both sat on the couch. I simply stared ahead to the blank white wall, noting all the tiny holes from thumtacks and other various things."Its because with me you know you won't be so alone anymore...because you have compassion for others and don't want to see them treated the way you were." I said barely above a whisper. He tunred rigid when I finished and I knew I was most likely right, and that right now he was probably feeling really insecure. And without really thinking I laid my head in his lap, looking for any comfort that he would give, and was relieved when he ran a timid hand through my hair.I've looked at clouds from both sides now From up and down, and still somehowI'ts just illusions I recall"I still don't like you wench." he said still softly combing through my hair."I know...I don't like you either..." and with that we were both quiet.I really don't know, I really don't knowI really don't know, I really don't knowI really don't, I really don't clouds at allWhy are we here...terrified, terrified, wow___________________________________________________________________So what did you all think? Was it complete crap? Am I moving too fast? And before I continue ranting I would like to thank all who reviewed. Each time I read a new review I feel more and more like writing, and I will complete this story. Its one I've been wanting to write for around a year now. Once again all your comments are great keep them coming!Sincerly IdiotGirl22Disclaimer: I don't own InuYasha and co. , nor do I own 'Clouds' by: Hole.