InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Kagome's Diary ❯ The Butter Ninja and the Peace Treaty ( Chapter 5 )

Dear Diary,

Alright.

It's been ten minutes.

Only ten minutes.

I've been staring at the clock.

For ages.

AND IT’S NONLY BEEN TEN FUCKING MINUTES!!

Ok, excuse the language, but isn't that HORRIBLE? I can't believe it's only been ten minutes! This is HORRIBLE!! OH MY


Sorry, I just cut off, Hojo came. Hojo the terrible. See, before I managed to escape the living room and lock myself up in my room, the scene went a little like this:

Koga descendant: What is your name, sweet thing?
(I so can't frickin believe he called me "sweet thing"--and it was more like "sweet thang" which is like, ten million times worse)
Me: Um...Kag--
Inuyasha: *pushes between us* It's none of your fucking business that's what. It could be bullshit for all you care, dung bag!
Me: Inu--
Koga descendant: Is he your boyfriend?
Eri: Yes!
Yuka and Arimi: SHHH!
Hojo: What? I am her boyfriend.
Inuyasha and Koga descendant: WHAT?
(ok Koga descendant just is too long to write, how about we call him Koga Jr.)
Hojo: *looking all firm* That's right.
Me: But--
Inuyasha: Yeah, I doubt that, damn ass hole.
Koga jr: That's right, she's MY girl.
Me: I--
Hojo: You don't even know Kagome's name!
Koga jr: Yes I do, it's Kagome.
Hojo and Inuyasha: *shocked* How did you know?
Me: *falls over*
Koga jr: *looking very smug* Sixth sense, true love, whatever you call it we're meant to be!
Me: PLEASE Hojo just SAID it!
Inuyasha: Um--yeah, bastard, you can't decide what Kagome wants.
Me: Thank you!
Inuyasha: SHE is helping ME, which means I decide, because if she has a lame ass boyfriend like either of you, she'll wind up a head case and unable to help me track down the shards, so step off! I'm deciding, and I say she doesn't want EITHER of you.
Me: HEY! Since when do YOU--
Koga jr: Yah right, she wants me!
Hojo: I don't mean to be ungentlemanly, but I believe that's FAR from the truth.
(Whoa, for Hojo that is extremely cold)
Koga jr: Oh yeah, so you're saying she wants YOU?
Inuyasha: Yeah! Since when are you her boyfriend?! Because of that damn play? SURE!
Hojo: *gulps* Well...her friends told me--
(I know, I can't BELIEVE my friends!)
Me: WHHHHHHHHHAAAAT?!! *glares at friends*
Friends: *laughing nervously*
Me: WHAT?!!! WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAAAAAAAAT?!!!!! *stomps menacingly their way*
Yuka: Heh heh, I can--um--explain...
Hojo: Why are you angry? Don't be embarrassed!
(Oh god, is he THAT dense?)
Inuyasha: Please! She's not embarrassed! She just is mad because he friends LIED! Because she doesn't want to have the time of day with you!
Me: *still yelling at my friends* WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO SAY--
Koga jr: Seriously, why would Kagome even spend any time with you, she doesn't want a guy who can't fight for his girl, she wants a tough guy who can treat her right AND fight off bastards like this guy here. *points at Inuyasha*
Inuyasha: YOU'RE the BASTARD!!
(Ok, since when does Mr. Koga jr. know what kind of guy I like?)
Hojo: Oh, why would she want two such immature boys? She want someone who can take care of her--who had an ounce of dignity! And I AM her boyfriend. I KNOW what Kagome wants.
(Oh DO you?)
Inuyasha: Oh HO! I know her better than ANYONE, I know what she wants!
Koga jr: No, I do! Perhaps I just met her, but love has shown me all her secrets and desires. It is clear what Kagome wants and she's mine.
Hojo: I know her best, she's mine.
Inuyasha: NO WAY!! I KNOW HER BETTER THAN BOTH OF YOU PUT TOGETHER--SHE DOESN'T CHOOSE EITHER OF YOU!
Eri: (nervously)Perhaps she's having trouble choosing between you three...
Koga/Inu/Hojo: I KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS!

Now don't judge me for what happened next, I could SO not control myself, in fact I think some evil being took me over or something, cause ordinarily I'd never act like this.

Me: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I WANT HOW WOULD YOU KNOW YOUR NOT ME SO SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SICK OF YOU THREE ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME AND AS IF YOU'RE ME--AS IF YOU CAN DECIDE FOR ME!!!! PUT A DAMN SOCK IN IT ALL OF YOU!! WHO THE HELL YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO THREE ASS HOLES WHO THINK THEY CAN TELL ME WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I DON'T AND THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING!!! YOU THREE ARE SO FUCKING CONCEATED IT'S SUFFOCATING ME!!! I'M OUT OF HERE--I'M GOING TO MY ROOM--MAYBE I'LL COME BACK WHEN YOU GET BRAINS BIGGER THAN A MONKEY'S AND HEADS NOT QUITE AS FAT AS FUCKING CHINA!!!!

Amazingly enough everyone was quiet. I wasn't actually planning on them doing that. I was prepared for them to keep arguing when I screamed, but somehow I yelled like way louder than I meant to kind of when I said, "I'M GOING HOME STUPID!!" to Inuyasha that one time after we met Koga, idiot leader of the wolf demon tribe who said I was his woman and made Inuyasha become possessed somehow to think I DID something with him or something! I know, THE NERVE! So, all I could do is, out of the silence, run up to my room. I mean, everyone heard me say it, I'd simply look like an idiot if I just stood there.

After a few minutes, of being like totally longing for the storm to go away...I was getting so bored. I mean, I didn't really want to stay in my room. Sure, it was chaos down there, but if I got a chance to talk to Inuyasha, maybe it wouldn't be such a fruitless day. The only reason I was in my room was because I had to wait for when enough time passed that I could go down stairs and keep my dignity. I mean, I acted so upset, if I returned now, no one would take me seriously.

Finally, Hojo came a while later, after I stared writing before. I heard everyone come up stairs and whisper urgently to one and other. They were probably arguing over who would come in and talk to me. Big mistake in sending Hojo in. Course, Inuyasha wasn't any better than him. They were all big jerks, Hojo was actually a jerk, I didn't even know that was possible. They all acted as if they owned me and they knew everything about me, like I was their fricking property. They all made me scream and swear I like never do those things... Well, how did it go with Hojo?

Hojo: *knock knock* K-kagome?
Me: *snaps* What?
Hojo: *gulp* I-I-I'm really--
Koga jr and Inuyasha: Hey!
Hojo: I mean--we're really sorry...for being unfair--we can't decide for you what to do--could you please let me in--just to talk?
Me: No.
Hojo: *gulp* *whispers* What do I do now?
Koga jr and Inuyasha: KEEP GOING!
Hojo: *gulp* Pl-please?
Me: No.
Hojo: But it would be in your interest to--
Me: NO! *throws pillow*
Pillow: *hits door with resounding thud*
Hojo: *gulp* S-s-sorry? I don't understand?
Me: I know what's in my best interest...
(SERIOUSLY do they know when to QUIT?)
Hojo: I--
Inuyasha: Let me try.
(I'm assuming he shoved Hojo out of the way because next I hear Hojo's voice say "HEY" then some clambering)

So since then there's been a lot of fighting, I've just been trying to ignore it by writing...it's kind of hard...and it's REALLY annoying, but I don't want to yell more, because then I'll seem like a lunatic. Oh great, no my friends are intervening! "Stop it guys!" (Eri) "Yeah, cut it out, she's already real pissed!" (Yuka) Yeah, you bet I am. "Well if you'd just let me--" (Inuyasha) "NO!" (everyone else) "Shut the fuck up!" (Inuyasha) Now there's this really loud knock on my door. "Kagome! Come out now, stop over-reactin' like usual." (Inuyasha) "We didn't mean to hurt your feelings! Quit actin' stupid and come out!' He's so brash. "Please can you fucking come out? I screwed up, alright, you don't have to act like it's the end of the world. I know you have a damn brain, use it!" My friends yell at him as if he's crazy, Koga jr. and Hojo act as if their scandalized. But I smile, know why? Because as insensitive and cruel as that sounds that's Inuyasha's way of apologizing. He even said please and acknowledged he made a mistake I don't think he's ever done that before. He even made a point of saying I had a brain because all those three have been acting like is that I don't. Really, with Inuyasha you have to appreciate the small things, because the baby steps are like leaps for him. It would sort of be like if the next door neighbor gave you all his possessions and the clothes on his back and his house, though he's the nicest guy you know, that's like MONDO nice, inhumanly nice. A miracle. For Inuyasha what he said is pretty miraculous. That was unInuyashaly nice. If unInuyashaly were a word.

"Stop yelling," is what I say. There all were stunned that I've just unlatched the bolt lock and have opened the door somewhat. "Thanks Inuyasha I accept your apology." I guess I looked at him too weirdly because he totally blushed and got all flustered again.

"Ap-ap-appology? I didn't--" Everyone else just seemed confused when I walked out smiling at him, Inuyasha was grumbling angrily the whole way, but it's really clear what THAT really means.

Now if only we could gain the courage to speak to one and other about what he wrote...

Course with all the annoying people here I don't really see that happening anytime soon... SIGH.


Dear Diary,

It's only been a half hour or so, but damn it feels like so long, plus I found out about that weirdo guy and guess what.

He's a total freak.

Psychord applicable freak? Yes.

In fact all he's been doing is hanging out in my kitchen, trying to "kill" the butter.

I SERIOUSLY wish I was joking. Really, I do, but seriously, he thinks he's this butter assailant or...butter ninja and his mission is to slaughter the stick of butter set on the butter dish in the center of out kitchen table. Oh god do I wish I was kidding but I SO am not. I know what he's trying to do only because (like my mom) he says all his intentions and thoughts aloud and does all these strange things that correspond like them, moving "ninja like" (or at least trying to) and "hiding", it really is a sight. But when he realizes you're there he acts "normal", though he still says his thoughts out loud. That cup he brought for us to put the cup of sugar he supposedly wanted, is supposed to have a hidden butter knife in it that folds out quickly to surprise the "enemy butter". I am NOT making this up.

And I only thought the weirdoes were in Feudal Japan.

Aside from my family anyway.

And Hojo.

But you know, the "butter ninja", Koga jr., and my friends kind of prove that theory really incorrect don't they? Even if I stayed in my time my life would probably be in danger--at least my sanity would.

And my butter.

"It's chaos isn't it?" Sota asks, motioning to the "butter ninja" whom I don't know of any more suitable name, and Koga jr. which is ditto name wise and sanity wise and who is fighting with Inuyasha and Hojo (you really would think they'd learn their lesson), my mom who is acting like Igor again, my grandpa who is lecturing our cat about the new "artifact rules" and how "artifacts are friends not food", and finally my friends who are flipping out about the test...

OH MY GOD THE TEST!!!

Wait, there's a blizzard outside and I'm locked up with ten clinically insane people.

I think the test is the LAST thing I need to worry about now. I mean, it could be apocalypse of the world out there--it was all sunny than all of a sudden, blizzard, can you say Nuclear winter? Or severe re-verse global warming affect: aka: Ice Age!? Plus its apocalypse of my sanity in HERE!

I am SO not worrying about the test.

"Don't worry Kagome," Sota said, I think he saw how tense I was looking as I wrote. I bet people know when I'm flying off the handle because when I am, I'm either way too freaked to write or I have so many emotions my pencil is racing off the page. "I have a peace treaty, so to speak, to make everyone calm."

"I shall try THIS ninja tactic next!"

"Subject seems to be conversing with Sota--he shall convert to the..."other side" soon..."

"At least...MOST people..." he says, eyeing my mom and the "butter ninja" worriedly. Though I'm doubtful, sometimes Sota can pull through at the times that count. "Maybe if you got all your friends together we could play a game or something. Or watch a movie--something that'll get our minds off this. TV always calms people, it's clinically proven." Okay, I love my brother again. Forget all that crap when he told Inuyasha and my mom about my secrets. Maybe he was just trying to prove a point, that honesty is the best policy?

Only, because of "honesty" my mom has lost it, Koga jr. is here as a result of my mother's refusal to cook, and Hojo is here because she didn't send him away with a cheerful good bye because she was too busy being insane... Of course my lying is what invited the "butter ninja" and my friends in...so you know what, whether you’re honest or a liar, life sucks, lets leave it at that.

"OH MY GOD!" Sota looks scared of me, so I hug him to assure him it's a positive "oh my god" the first in a long time. "You thoroughly rock, a movie, it's such a great idea!"


Ok, life SO SO SO SO SO SO SO sucks. Thanks to the blizzard the electricity is out. First it was the cable. So I tried to put in an actual DVD instead, only the entire power went out. I know, with that crazed butter ninja and mom around. What if the butter ninja accidentally hurts someone blindly throwing that cup around everywhere? And what if my Mom turns totally psycho? Or my grandpa? Or...you know what at this point ANY of us could turn totally psycho. In fact...

I'M TOTALLY FLIPPING OUT RIGHT NOW!! I HATE YOU SOTA FOR GIVING ME A FALSE HOPE!

"Kagome, there's always a game!" I hug Sota. I love him., I forgive him. He is an angel.

BUT WHAT KIND OF FRICKING GAME? WHAT IF I TRY TO EXPLAIN THE RULES AND TOTALLY EXPLODE WHEN NO ONE LISTENS?!

I HATE YOU SOTA!! WITH ALL MY BEING I DISPISE YOU!

Oops, Sota was making choking noises because I'm squeezing him to tight...
OH BUT I HATE HIM!! I SQUEEZE MORE!!

"WHAT KIND OF GAME?!"

"Something fun like Truth or Dare that's perfect with candles, everyone can understand that game!"

I LOVE HIM!

OH NO WHAT IF I HAVE TO KISS KOGA?! BESIDES I'LL WIND UP LOOKING LIKE AN IDIOT!

"THAT WON'T WORK!!"

"Just trust me!"

"NEVER!"

"Wh-what if we take turns in a circle and every time its your turn, in the dark you take a random piece of pizza and take a bite--if you eat one with onion (cause pizzas never have onion in EVERY piece) you are dared--if not then you get a free pass, you can sense onion pieces so you'd never choose one with onion, then you'd never be dared, you'd only be in a good mood watching everyone embarrass themselves!"

You know what, maybe I give Sota way less credit then he deserves.

I mean, to think of that last minute when he's about to suffocate under my grasp is purely amazing.

I LOVE HIM AGAIN!! In fact after I've smothered him with kisses, I proclaim this and skip along into the living room.

"COME HERE EVERYBODY!!! WE'RE GOING TO PLAY A GAME!!"

Silence.

"IT'S TRUH OR DARE!"

Suddenly everyone comes after that. Even Inuyasha, who I'm sure doesn't know what it is. Everyone comes. Except Mom and the ninja butter person, but that's a good thing.

If only grandpa had been repelled, but for some reason he's compelled to sit in a chair in the corner and watch us like a hawk. It's creepy how the candle light and shadow reflect on his face...especially when it looks all suspicious and watchful like that and his hand can be seen stroking Buyo like he's Doctor Evil or something--but not funny like Doctor Evil--more like one of the REALLY bad guys Doctor Evil is a parody of. Actually scary. Not funny. He doesn't have that pinky to his mouth or that funny laugh and the "whole bag of shh" joke. That's really cool. Not if grandpa did it though, because, well he's my grandpa and if he did the "whole bag of shh" joke it would be totally lame and the pinky thing would be weird because its a sexual joke and if I ever saw my grandpa doing anything sexual I'd be scarred for life.

So he was totally nothing like Doctor Evil, he was just evil looking, but not Doctor Evil looking, Just evil. But not cool, kick ass evil or something, adult evil. I mean, adults have hardly any knowledge or power over teenagers, but they're still scary because they can lecture you and take away privileges, or talk about "what it was like back in the day", while it accomplishes nothing and you still do whatever you did "wrong" regardless, for some reason parents are scary. It's sort of like how spiders are scary, they're tiny; scientists theorize why they're scary is because they're so different than us. I mean, they don't even have brains, and their heart is shaped like a really out stretched banana that spans they're whole body. I'm not even joking, or sort of how we assume aliens are evil, because they're different. Well parents are scary because they're aliens. That's why. And they'll dissect us for study one day. It's so totally clear, I mean my family will be the first. They're obviously from Neptune. I just know it. Neptune's atmosphere is made of methane gas and my grandpa serious has fart issues, so does Sota, mom doesn't but she takes Tums a lot. They're SO from Neptune!

Anyway, I had to go one like that because no one would shut up and I didn't want to yell again. Writing is the only thing that keeps me calm and I've been itching to jot down my alien theory and comparison of cool evil and parent evil. They’re opposites. Nothing alike. Because parents are about as far from cool as you can get. I think another evil thing about them is that they brought you into this cruel world without a second thought. I mean what were they thinking? They obviously wanted us to suffer. Or at least never thought of it rationally, bringing us into a world where the ozone is depleting and there is an apocalypse bound to occur any second, plus by sex which is totally awful, they knew when we were seven or eight we'd learn we were birthed by sex. Which I guess isn't so bad. What's really bad is that we come from our PARENTS having sex. Once you figure that out, it's the personal apocalypse already.

"SHUT UP!!" God, I love Sota more and more, he looked like the psycho for ME, so I didn't have to again!! I should plan him a surprise party TOO!

Oh my god, I can't handle TWO surprise parties! I already OWE Inuyasha one! (Well not owe but its expected of me).

I know, I'll COMBINE Inuyasha AND Sota’s birthday into one! I know most kids would SO think it would thoroughly SUCK to share their greedily longed for attention on their birthday with someone else, but hey, Sota lives and BREATHES Inuyasha. He loves him. Not as much as me--well maybe, but in a different way. I want to make out with Inuyasha, the only thing Sota wants Inuyasha to do with his tongue is have it tell him how "great of a kid, almost like a brother" to him he is. Ok, that is just weird, why do I write such weird stuff?

"Thanks, now do you all know how to play this game?" Everyone answers yes, even Inuyasha, who obviously is trying to look smart. "No, you don't this is a VARIATION of the game, to make it more interesting we're--"

"Precisely sis!" Oh my god, he interrupted me, stupid bratty Sota!! Oh wait, I love him. Forgot. "What we're going to do is sit in a circle..." Everyone does this. "...then, we're going to take this pizza..." He points to the pizza as I pick it up and place it in the center of the circle, "..pass it around to the person who’s being dared. After we turn out the closest candles, we won’t be able to see the pizza. You'll pick a random piece and if it has onion in it, you have to do the dare, if you pick one without onion then you don’t have to do the dare. I'll be the ref. so after you pick, I'll take a bite to in order to test if it has onion or not."

"And if it's your turn, I'LL take the bite." I had to say it, I mean, he could just LIE every time! Sorry bro, don't love you THAT much!

"Right..." Ha! He's growling! "...so, everyone get it?"

"Also," I add at Inuyasha' confused expression, "just in case you all forget how the game works, we'll go around counter clockwise--that's left--and that person will choose someone to dare. That means tell them to do something that should be embarrassing or something they don't want to do, and they HAVE TO DO IT, I'm SERIOUS..." Obviously, after this there was this sort of tense silence. "That is if you get a piece of pizza with onion."

"But you can sense--"

"Shh!" Damn, Koga jr. almost blew my cover, "and no talking unless you're daring or are the daree..."

"So basically, we're taking turns telling whoever we want what to do and they HAVE to do it? What kind of game is that, I don't want to be someone's slave forever!" Inuyasha growled. Okay, he SO doesn't get it.

"No, they only can tell you to do one thing--"

"But it COULD be to be a slave for one day," Yuka interrupts. I glare at her.

"No, it has to be something that only lasts a few minutes, kay? Or else it's just not fun that way--it gets old, because you'll probably be leaving before a day's over..." God, at least I hope so. But if it's an Apocalypse that means I'll probably have to live with them. With hardly anyone else on the planet. FOREVER. Oh god. Another silence.

"Alright, let's role!" Sota can be such a go-getter. You gotta give him his props, I mean, he's like an evil genius. He got my diary; got me to do his chores AND burp the alphabet in front my family and the guy I'm madly in love with so he wouldn't tell; plus do his homework; AND suffer, and he got his sweet revenge for every time I refused to play Dragonball Z Budokai 3 with him* by telling everyone, even the guy I'm madly in love with about how I fantasized about Inuyasha in my diary. That's pretty amazing, mean, but amazing, and all he got was a temporary grounding which only lasted like a half a day and a stick of butter in the face, and that butter is going to be killed by a butter ninja soon so Sota's life must be pretty sweet right now. Plus he totally won my forgiveness, by thinking up this ingenious game AND he rid of most of the tension by playing the stupid kid brother act. He's a cool evil. Like doctor evil. Only without the sexual pinky thing, the freaky cat, bald head, nostalgic arch-foe, and with actually not being an idiot. It must be good to be Sota. He even gets away with having Playboy magazines at the age of ten.

Well...until Mom read it in my diary, but she went insane so he didn't even pay for it.

Then, I guess he could do the sexual pinky joke thing, only when he's reading his playboy.

Ew, I mean gross. Almost as gross as the fact Doctor Evil had sex with that Russian girl and wound up with Scott in Austin Powers.

Ok, maybe even grosser.

Oh! Looks like we're playing! How am I going to write in the dark? They're blowing out the nearby candles as I write...