InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Kagome's Diary ❯ The Dilemma ( Chapter 7 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: cheesylovesong23 
After fleeing to her room, Kagome weighs the possibilities in her mind.
1) Inuyasha got an erection FROM HER (which is ENTIRELY improbable)
2) It was a button on his pants
She copes with the possibilities that:
a) she will be an old woman and "blush at the things she has written"
b) is too blind to see how obvious the solution to this mess is.
But B is simply ludicrus. And what follows the event of Kagome's ex-friends showing their sorry faces in her room?
The details are to gorey to recount here.
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 12.10.2005 | Updated On: 04.27.2006 | Pages: 4 | Words: 4.0K | Visits: 669 | Status: Completed
After fleeing to her room, Kagome weighs the possibilities in her mind.
1) Inuyasha got an erection FROM HER (which is ENTIRELY improbable)
2) It was a button on his pants
She copes with the possibilities that:
a) she will be an old woman and "blush at the things she has written"
b) is too blind to see how obvious the solution to this mess is.
But B is simply ludicrus. And what follows the event of Kagome's ex-friends showing their sorry faces in her room?
The details are to gorey to recount here.
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 12.10.2005 | Updated On: 04.27.2006 | Pages: 4 | Words: 4.0K | Visits: 669 | Status: Completed
...he wasn’t getting a hard on was he?
Whatever. I’m sure I imagined it. I mean, let’s be reasonable here: Inuyasha. Getting a hard on. Okay, maybe THAT’S believable. Inuyasha. Getting a hard on. Because he was being pole danced on. Okay, that’s believable too. But, Inuyasha. Getting a hard on. Because he was being pole danced on. By me. THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN. I don’t care if he’s in love with me, no guy’s going to get an erection because of me.
Not unless they’re freaks like Hojo and Koga...and Roga.
Ugh.
I think I’m going to cry.
The only thing I’ve got going for me is relationships with guys like those. Really, I’d rather die an old maid. Really, I would. Who wouldn’t?
I can’t BELIEVE I did that though, the whole pole dance thing. I mean, what the hell was I THINKING? I guess it was the lack there of that was the problem. Of course...I remember I said before that Inuyasha might get sexually attracted by me, but wasn’t in love with me...that means I just totally contradicted myself...
WHAT THE HELL DO I REALLY MEAN??!!!!
I bet the answer is super obvious but I just can’s see it.
NAH, it’s never obvious. Not when it comes to my life, that is, it’s never simple. It just never is, look how complicated things have gotten. I mean, maybe I just should have never started writing in a diary--then my mom would have at least shooed of Hojo, “Roga” never would have showed up, and perhaps my friends would have left with her tasty cookies AND I’D BE BLOODY SANE!!!! (and not use weird British phrases like that)
Well I just laid around staring at my ceiling agonizing for God knows how long when finally I had to write in you diary, I mean writing just helps somehow. Just getting your feelings out. Well at least I THOUGHT it did, but boy I was wrong...It seems that a diary has REALLY screwed things up big time...
Or could it be that Inuyasha’s wants to screw me?
I can’t believe I just wrote that. One day I’m going to be an old woman and I’ll blush at the things I’ve written, I’ll be so ashamed. And I’ll feel so stupid that I ever had a shred of hope that Inuyasha wanted to be with me.
Or will I be married with him and we’ll laugh about how painfully obvious it was that he was madly in love with me?
SHA-RIGHT!!! God, that’s just as believable as an A on my report card.
Which is just ANOTHER thing to be depressed about.
Wow, love my life. It’s so fun to be perilously thrown into one agonizing situation after another. That would be weird, though, if Inuyasha wanted me that way, it would make sense guess--that whole peeking thing and what not...but still... It’s just wishful thinking--
Then again I don’t remember ever wishing I pole danced on Inuyasha and got sexually aroused from it...
...not that he did--but--or does that make it sound like he did? Maybe I should just stop thinking about it--leave it alone, sleep on it... Yeah...I know...I’ll think about my homework...
Let’s see... y + 90 - 8x(4)
___________ + ......................
98 = x + y
OH I CAN’T DO MATH AT A TIME LIKE THIS!! besides...that was homework from last year--god dammit, I’m a total space case! The only thing I could think of is Kagome + pole dance = erection and I hate that equation!!
Well, I guess it’s not SO bad...
OH BUT IT IS!!! HOW CAN I LIVE WITH MYSELF!!! IF I LIKED IT THEN OBVIOUSLY I’M SOME SORT OF SKANK--THEN IF I DIDN’T THEN--THEN--THEN I DON’T LOVE HIM...
Or something...I don’t even know where I’m going with this... I know I felt something hard...ish...on me...but...I mean--does he have buttons on his pants--it’s possible right? ..Wait...buttons? Do they even HAVE buttons in Feudal Japan? I have I totally lost it? But still...maybe I shouldn’t assume... Plus I ran out of there, my face was totally red--but then Inuyasha must be really embarrassed too...now that I think about it--why hasn’t anyone come yet? Maybe someone down there got some sense and decided to explain to everyone that I need to be alone, or maybe Inuyasha’s gone ballistic and they’re trying to stop him from eating a lamp.
But I don’t hear anything like that going on.
You know...maybe this is worse for Inuyasha than it is for me. After all, I did a pole dance on him because of relentless friends pulling an evil dare...
...and he had an erection. That’s NOT a dare. That just happened. No one could MAKE that happen. It just did. Of its own accord. That means, that no matter what Inuyasha says, he still likes me.
Or...at least his...thing does...
Not sure if that’s such a claim to fame.
I wonder if it feels the same way about Kikyo?
GAH!! I’M TALKING ABOUT THE FEELINGS OF A PENIS!!
Oh...my...god...I just wrote penis in my diary....
AAAAAAAAAAAH I DID IT AGAIN!!!!! T_T I’ve lost it. Lord help me. Cake would do. Ah yes...beautiful cake...
Damn, I really HAVE gone insane.
But maybe he doesn’t feel that way about Kikyo? I mean, she IS made out of clay, how sexually appealing can a half dead clay priestess be? .....Then again, how sexually appealing can a fifteen-year-old-head-case-loser-with-a-dumb-uniform-and-compulsive-diary-w riting-disorder-middle schoolgirl be?
Of course, I’m not made out of clay, but......think of something better.....
.......
My boobs are authentic!!
Okay, that was very random. And it’s horrifying to think that Inuyasha probably knows that now because he had them rubbed on him.
Dammit, this situation is worse than I thought...I wonder though...what was going through his mind during the stupid dare, anyway? ...maybe I’m better off not knowing that. It was either repulsion or horniness.
Oh god, the worst words keep ending up in this diary now--THANKS TO MY STUPID LUNATIC FRIENDS!!! THEY OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO LIFE THEY--
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHM YGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE DOORS OPENING!!! IT’S PROBABLY;Y INUYASHA!! OR--OH GOD IT’S GOTTA BE HIM!! WHAT DO I DO?!! WHAT DO I DO?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I GOTTA HIDE!!
BUT WHERE?!!
The hamper? ......no, that wouldn’t work--under the bed? ..too obvious...
AND CAN’T HE JUST SNIFF ME OUT?!!
God--what am I going to do THIS IS TERRIBLE I HAVE NO WHERE TO RUN I’M FUCKING DONE FOR THIS IS IT--THE END GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!! GOOD BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh it’s just Yuka.
OH SHE’S SO DEAD!!!!!!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE’S ACTUALLY SHOWING HER HORRIBLY EVIL, CONNIVING FACE TO ME AT THIS POINT IN TIME AFTER ER HEINOUS ACTS THAT IN THE CODE OF FRIENDS WHICH REMAINS UNWRITTEN--BUT IS WRITTEN IN THE TRUST BETWEEN FRIENDS ARE FORBIDDEN AND DEEMED UNFORGIVABLE AND IRREVOCABLE HERE SHE IS IN MY ROOM!!! HOW DOES SHE--
“I came to say sorry--”
YEAH WELL I’M HERE TO SAY: SCREW--
“Stop writing like that, it makes me nervous, like you’re going to kill your diary then me...”
YEAH WELL MAYBE THAT IS MY PLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“I know you’re really mad...’
ME?!! MAD?! OF COURSE NOT!! WHY ON THIS EARTH WOULD I BE MAD?! HUH, MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE YOU FRICKING DARED ME TO POLE DANCE ON INUYASHA?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Can you just listen for a minute?” That’s Eri...THE REST OF THE TRAITORS COMING IN!!!!!!!!! Well, I’ll simply wait until they leave, OR THROW MY ALARM CLOCK AT THEM--
No, that’s expensive.
THEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET!!
Huh, so there’s my pink shirt with the hearts--
ANYWAY BACK TO THE RAGE!! GRRRRRRRRRRR!! RRRRRRRRRR!!
“Look, we’re all really, really sorry,” Stupid, stupid dumb Arimi apology. LIKE I CARE!
“Huh, wow, and look, I don’t give a damn.”
Ouch, that came out colder than I meant it to... They all look sort of hurt, maybe I should apologize...but how can I? That’s just so mean! they KNOW how much I like Inuyasha--I mean, don’t they? I guess they don’t know I didn’t tell him how I feel though, maybe I overreacted...
“Sorry we tried.” OH NO! They’re LEAVING!! I’m going to lose Inuyasha AND them! God I suck, what’s wrong with me?
“Wait!!” But what am I going to say now? I don’t even know what to do about this entire thing--I can’t help feelings its partially my fault--I mean if I confronted him about what he wrote and wasn’t such a coward, then the pole dance probably wouldn’t have been so bad...I mean it would have been embarrassing--but at least...
Oh did I lose him, though?
-----------------------------------------
Now I’m not even mad.
I can’t even be mad anymore.
I can’t throw things, throw a raging fit.
All I can do is be depressed and blame myself.
At least before I could scream and shout at my friends and take it out on other people--maybe Sota--maybe everyone, but myself. Maybe I could give myself a rest from my self-destructive thoughts, but now all I can do is not even b e mad anymore and just be really sad. I mean, my friends are the best a girl could ask for, what happened was so weird, I couldn’t control what I held in, what I hid from myself some how, just crept up behind me unexpectedly and lurched out.
I just stood up, my eyes stinging alarmingly, facing my friends who were considering leaving my room and our friendship forever. But I couldn’t think about that. how selfish am I? How stupid am I, not to even think about my friendship? All I could think about was Inuyasha and how I probably could never be with him, how...I was just fooling myself and now I’d probably crushed all the miniscule sproutlings of something that could hardly be imagined to grow into something. All I could think of was that echoing g thought that made my heart fee like someone was trying to tear it apart slowly.
Did I lose Inuyasha? Did I even have him in the first place?
“Inuyasha...he’s...he’s going to let me g-go--h-h-he’s g-going--” but I couldn’t say anymore, the words got lost in a half sob, which wouldn’t finish because my friends were already surrounding me before it could with their warmth, all their arms devoured the sob until it died they snuggled in, seeping away at the urge to cry, but it still hurt like a bitch inside.
“Kagome...” they murmured empathetically in a chorus of sad loving voices. The tears still streamed down my face without sound, and then even in their love I felt so hurt and emotional, I couldn't help crying out, screaming, just letting it all out in one long shrill whimper. I felt the anger rushing back through my veins, the hate, the anger and hate at myself, I felt the need to do something violent, but all I could do was dig my nails into my friends, but they didn’t care. they came in closer. The tears came down more violently, and at the same time I felt so stupid, yet a small bit of happiness came. How could I sob when I had these friends, sure they missed the main point most of the time, and seemed to overlook my sadness sometimes, but here they were, ready to love me and embrace even when I was being so difficult. Why was I crying about being unloved by one person, when three loved me so much?
“I got to stop...”
“No, it’s okay, we’re here for you. Sometimes it helps to cry...” Yuka murmured more softly than I’d ever heard her speak
“Yeah. but sometimes it just makes you feel worse,” Eri contradicted, just as usual, with a soft laugh. I cried some more, but found that I’d gotten most of the pain to become something manageable in a few moments.
“Why are you being this nice?” I asked.
“because we’re you’re friends,” Arimi returned with a shining smile.
“Even when you are being a bitch,” Yuka put in.
“Yuka!” Eri scolded. But she was right. I was being a bitch. I always hate myself when I don’t act to my standards, if I feel anything not “pure” but then, I’m not perfect, and I can’t control how I feel. What’s so wrong with not being perfect? What’s so wrong with living? When I looked back through my entries I saw where I wrote that I hated Kikyo, I felt terrible about writing that. but at the time did hate her, and sometimes I do, I just hope I don’t wish her any harm, but if I do, I know that’s just how I feel, it’s my choice how I act upon it.
“We really do love you Kagome,” Yuka assured me.
And you know what? That SO went without saying.
The question is NOW what do I do?
Me: yeah but...Inuyasha.. (damn, how stupid am I, that made it sound like I didn’t eve care about them)
Yuka’: why would he leave you just because of a stupid dare?
Arimi; Yeah, if he’s THAT idiotic, he’s not WORTH it.
Eri: besides, what kind of guy dumps a girl when she POLL DANCES on him. He probably wants you more now.
me: *blushing* Really?
Yuka: She DOES have a point.
Arimi: Yeah, if I had a girlfriend who did that, I’d be begging her to stay.
us all: *back away, freaked out*
Arimi: What? I MEANT IF I WAS A GUY!
Me: Right, okay, but what do I do?
Them: *all sigh as if it’s totally obvious* *groan at my idiocy*
me: What?
Them: *groan more*
me: *impatient* That’s NOT helping.
Yuka: What do you HAVE to do, you just did a dare, nothing wrong, we just got done saying if he has any balls at all he’ll love you more for it.
Me: *thoughtfully* Balls...
Them: *STARE*
me: What?
Arimi: Oh yeah, it’s perfectly normal to say "balls” in a weird day dreamy voice.
Me: I DIDN’T! *blushing* I was just thinking about...well, never mind...
Yuka: What?
Me: Just...that he got an...well...
Yuka: erection? yeah, thought I saw that.
Me: *GLARE*WHAT?!!! WHYY WERE YOU LOOKING THERE?!
Yuka: Well a girl kind of finds it difficult not looking there when it’s inflating like a balloon.
Me: Wh-wh-wh--huh? *all innocent*
Yuka: *sighs impatiently* I mean, seriously Kagome, grow up.
Eri: Question: What are you guys talking about?
*dead silence*
Arimi: *whispers in her ear quickly*
Eri: Oh... *nodding in realization*... EW! *turns to disgust*
Yuka: Come on, it’s a part of life, people.
Me; You guys have to be wrong, I still don’t think he did--I mean aren’t you being too quick to judge--
Yuka: No, no, and no.
Me: So you’re saying that Inuyasha had an erection.
Arimi: Sure.
Kagome: Which, in order to do that he’d have to be...be...
Yuka: Horny out of his mind?
Me: *can’t speak face is burned stiff*
Eri: Maybe for her purposes we should just say: aroused.
Yuka: Alright, so in order to do that he’s have to be...aroused however dumb that sounds. I mean people get their curiosity aroused, people are aroused from their studies by a greeting. I hardly think--
Me: *ahem* *glare* Anyway, I still don’t think that’s right--I mean, sure he’s a guy and all, but I’m me.
*silence*
Arimi: Your point?
Me: There’s no WAY he’s like me that way--well maybe but--
Yuka: *rolls eyes* Oh my god, this is SO not the time to be fishing for compliments.
Me: *stare, sure they are insane* what are you talking about?
All three: *stare incredulously*
Arimi: Ohmigod, no way, there is no way you don’t know that you’re-- *stops suddenly*
Me: *blankly* I’m...what?
Yuka” God, forget this, we are SO not going to have to tell you how sexy you are, so go! *shoves me out my bedroom door* *pushes again toward stairs* Go! You know you’re beautiful, so leave already, god!
Me: You have me confused with someone else!! *teeters over edge of stairs* Someone who’s confident--and brilliant--and--and...more mature--calm--graceful--- *looks at friends* *clings to railing* --me? I’m just the stupid girl next door, what do I have?
*awed silence*
Me: ..the girl I just described *sighs feeling watery--I know--more tears, what’s WRONG with me?* is...Kikyo...that’s who Inuyasha wants. *shakes head* Not me...
*discouraging silence*
Me: *sighs sadly again* ...I told you...I’m just....not good enough...
Eri: *smiles famous Eri smile* Kagome? What are you talking about? This...Kikyo?
Yuka: *whispers* The other woman.
Eri: *blankly* *whispers* There’s another woman?
Arimi: Apparently...
Me: ...
Arimi: *out loud* But I don’t see what the problem is...
Me: *Huh?*
Yuka: That girl you describes a total bore...
Arimi yah, total Snores Ville.
Me: What are you talking about? She beautiful--way prettier than me *damn, I hate realizing the truth after hiding it from myself so long...* And like I said, brilliant, self assured...you know composed and mature--things I’m not.
Eri: You’re way more mature than US! *laughs* (ok, NOT convincing...)
Yuka: and some on, she sounds totally smug and full of herself, she doesn’t seem to really have any problems.
Me: Oh, believe me she does--
Arimi: yeah, but she’s brilliant and confident and beautiful? She’s gotta have a heart of ice then to balance those traits out.
Me: *thoughtfully* Well...
Yuka: Come on, you’re like WAY nice, nicer than anyone--you know, when you're not in a pissy mood--which is most of the time. besides, you gotta be prettier than her--at least that’s what I’d think because you’re the only girl in the whole world nearly as beautiful as us.
Eri: Plus you’re the smartest we know. Before you got sick all the time you had perfect grades--I bet her report card isn’t nearly as good as your was.
Me: *laughs imagining Kikyo at school*
Yuka: Anyway, I can totally see your ego swelling. I’m so tired of complimenting you, just go down there, you so didn’t need us to tell you that stuff, did you?
Me: ...well...I...
Arimi:? Enough--GO! We’re guarding the stairs!
And there I went...down the stairs and bravely into...
The closet.
Well, can you blame me? How in hell am I supposed to face him? You try it. Get dared by one of your friends to pole dance on the guy of your dreams when knowing he totally is in love with someone else, and most likely would never go for you no matter what you did. In front of tons of people, oh and be locked up with the biggest creeps known o womankind and unknowingly have your brother trick you, your mother go insane, your grandpa know the truth of your secrets, and maybe that guy know everything too (plus have a crazed “butter ninja patrolling your kitchen). By the way, be trapped in the house with all of the above, because of the apocalypse blizzard out of nowhere makes it so NO one can leave.
I’m pretty sure you’d hide in the closet down stairs too.
But I can’t stay in here forever, because if Inuyasha really wanted to he could smell me out (the downside of having a half dog demon as your crush), and my friends will undoubtedly find out where I’m hiding eventually--either that or one of the crazed lunatics in my house. well, I only need to figure out what to say to him, then I’ll be able to come out. The problem is I have no idea where to start...
I guess I could always go the direct approach... “Remember that weird dare, where I poll danced on you? Well, could you tell me if you got an erection from that? Because, if you did, well--I don’t blame you but I gotta know...” I MEAN SERIOUSLY THAT IS THE WORST LINE IN THE HISTORY OF LINES!!!! Maybe more like: “Did you read my diary, because, IT’S ALL NOT TRUE JUST A HOAX!” Okay, why would I do that, especially if he really wrote that stuff, but then I’ve been thinking, what if it’s like usual? At the time he chose me over Kikyo (and I’m assuring even though he didn’t really say that), but then he’ll just change his mind when he sees Kikyo again. Or maybe he’s already changed his mind because of my idiocy. Dammit I wish I could know what he was doing or his reaction, but my friends didn’t say anything about that...
I’m worried, why didn’t they tell me?
Whatever. I’m sure I imagined it. I mean, let’s be reasonable here: Inuyasha. Getting a hard on. Okay, maybe THAT’S believable. Inuyasha. Getting a hard on. Because he was being pole danced on. Okay, that’s believable too. But, Inuyasha. Getting a hard on. Because he was being pole danced on. By me. THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN. I don’t care if he’s in love with me, no guy’s going to get an erection because of me.
Not unless they’re freaks like Hojo and Koga...and Roga.
Ugh.
I think I’m going to cry.
The only thing I’ve got going for me is relationships with guys like those. Really, I’d rather die an old maid. Really, I would. Who wouldn’t?
I can’t BELIEVE I did that though, the whole pole dance thing. I mean, what the hell was I THINKING? I guess it was the lack there of that was the problem. Of course...I remember I said before that Inuyasha might get sexually attracted by me, but wasn’t in love with me...that means I just totally contradicted myself...
WHAT THE HELL DO I REALLY MEAN??!!!!
I bet the answer is super obvious but I just can’s see it.
NAH, it’s never obvious. Not when it comes to my life, that is, it’s never simple. It just never is, look how complicated things have gotten. I mean, maybe I just should have never started writing in a diary--then my mom would have at least shooed of Hojo, “Roga” never would have showed up, and perhaps my friends would have left with her tasty cookies AND I’D BE BLOODY SANE!!!! (and not use weird British phrases like that)
Well I just laid around staring at my ceiling agonizing for God knows how long when finally I had to write in you diary, I mean writing just helps somehow. Just getting your feelings out. Well at least I THOUGHT it did, but boy I was wrong...It seems that a diary has REALLY screwed things up big time...
Or could it be that Inuyasha’s wants to screw me?
I can’t believe I just wrote that. One day I’m going to be an old woman and I’ll blush at the things I’ve written, I’ll be so ashamed. And I’ll feel so stupid that I ever had a shred of hope that Inuyasha wanted to be with me.
Or will I be married with him and we’ll laugh about how painfully obvious it was that he was madly in love with me?
SHA-RIGHT!!! God, that’s just as believable as an A on my report card.
Which is just ANOTHER thing to be depressed about.
Wow, love my life. It’s so fun to be perilously thrown into one agonizing situation after another. That would be weird, though, if Inuyasha wanted me that way, it would make sense guess--that whole peeking thing and what not...but still... It’s just wishful thinking--
Then again I don’t remember ever wishing I pole danced on Inuyasha and got sexually aroused from it...
...not that he did--but--or does that make it sound like he did? Maybe I should just stop thinking about it--leave it alone, sleep on it... Yeah...I know...I’ll think about my homework...
Let’s see... y + 90 - 8x(4)
___________ + ......................
98 = x + y
OH I CAN’T DO MATH AT A TIME LIKE THIS!! besides...that was homework from last year--god dammit, I’m a total space case! The only thing I could think of is Kagome + pole dance = erection and I hate that equation!!
Well, I guess it’s not SO bad...
OH BUT IT IS!!! HOW CAN I LIVE WITH MYSELF!!! IF I LIKED IT THEN OBVIOUSLY I’M SOME SORT OF SKANK--THEN IF I DIDN’T THEN--THEN--THEN I DON’T LOVE HIM...
Or something...I don’t even know where I’m going with this... I know I felt something hard...ish...on me...but...I mean--does he have buttons on his pants--it’s possible right? ..Wait...buttons? Do they even HAVE buttons in Feudal Japan? I have I totally lost it? But still...maybe I shouldn’t assume... Plus I ran out of there, my face was totally red--but then Inuyasha must be really embarrassed too...now that I think about it--why hasn’t anyone come yet? Maybe someone down there got some sense and decided to explain to everyone that I need to be alone, or maybe Inuyasha’s gone ballistic and they’re trying to stop him from eating a lamp.
But I don’t hear anything like that going on.
You know...maybe this is worse for Inuyasha than it is for me. After all, I did a pole dance on him because of relentless friends pulling an evil dare...
...and he had an erection. That’s NOT a dare. That just happened. No one could MAKE that happen. It just did. Of its own accord. That means, that no matter what Inuyasha says, he still likes me.
Or...at least his...thing does...
Not sure if that’s such a claim to fame.
I wonder if it feels the same way about Kikyo?
GAH!! I’M TALKING ABOUT THE FEELINGS OF A PENIS!!
Oh...my...god...I just wrote penis in my diary....
AAAAAAAAAAAH I DID IT AGAIN!!!!! T_T I’ve lost it. Lord help me. Cake would do. Ah yes...beautiful cake...
Damn, I really HAVE gone insane.
But maybe he doesn’t feel that way about Kikyo? I mean, she IS made out of clay, how sexually appealing can a half dead clay priestess be? .....Then again, how sexually appealing can a fifteen-year-old-head-case-loser-with-a-dumb-uniform-and-compulsive-diary-w riting-disorder-middle schoolgirl be?
Of course, I’m not made out of clay, but......think of something better.....
.......
My boobs are authentic!!
Okay, that was very random. And it’s horrifying to think that Inuyasha probably knows that now because he had them rubbed on him.
Dammit, this situation is worse than I thought...I wonder though...what was going through his mind during the stupid dare, anyway? ...maybe I’m better off not knowing that. It was either repulsion or horniness.
Oh god, the worst words keep ending up in this diary now--THANKS TO MY STUPID LUNATIC FRIENDS!!! THEY OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO LIFE THEY--
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHM YGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE DOORS OPENING!!! IT’S PROBABLY;Y INUYASHA!! OR--OH GOD IT’S GOTTA BE HIM!! WHAT DO I DO?!! WHAT DO I DO?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I GOTTA HIDE!!
BUT WHERE?!!
The hamper? ......no, that wouldn’t work--under the bed? ..too obvious...
AND CAN’T HE JUST SNIFF ME OUT?!!
God--what am I going to do THIS IS TERRIBLE I HAVE NO WHERE TO RUN I’M FUCKING DONE FOR THIS IS IT--THE END GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!! GOOD BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh it’s just Yuka.
OH SHE’S SO DEAD!!!!!!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE’S ACTUALLY SHOWING HER HORRIBLY EVIL, CONNIVING FACE TO ME AT THIS POINT IN TIME AFTER ER HEINOUS ACTS THAT IN THE CODE OF FRIENDS WHICH REMAINS UNWRITTEN--BUT IS WRITTEN IN THE TRUST BETWEEN FRIENDS ARE FORBIDDEN AND DEEMED UNFORGIVABLE AND IRREVOCABLE HERE SHE IS IN MY ROOM!!! HOW DOES SHE--
“I came to say sorry--”
YEAH WELL I’M HERE TO SAY: SCREW--
“Stop writing like that, it makes me nervous, like you’re going to kill your diary then me...”
YEAH WELL MAYBE THAT IS MY PLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“I know you’re really mad...’
ME?!! MAD?! OF COURSE NOT!! WHY ON THIS EARTH WOULD I BE MAD?! HUH, MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE YOU FRICKING DARED ME TO POLE DANCE ON INUYASHA?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Can you just listen for a minute?” That’s Eri...THE REST OF THE TRAITORS COMING IN!!!!!!!!! Well, I’ll simply wait until they leave, OR THROW MY ALARM CLOCK AT THEM--
No, that’s expensive.
THEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET!!
Huh, so there’s my pink shirt with the hearts--
ANYWAY BACK TO THE RAGE!! GRRRRRRRRRRR!! RRRRRRRRRR!!
“Look, we’re all really, really sorry,” Stupid, stupid dumb Arimi apology. LIKE I CARE!
“Huh, wow, and look, I don’t give a damn.”
Ouch, that came out colder than I meant it to... They all look sort of hurt, maybe I should apologize...but how can I? That’s just so mean! they KNOW how much I like Inuyasha--I mean, don’t they? I guess they don’t know I didn’t tell him how I feel though, maybe I overreacted...
“Sorry we tried.” OH NO! They’re LEAVING!! I’m going to lose Inuyasha AND them! God I suck, what’s wrong with me?
“Wait!!” But what am I going to say now? I don’t even know what to do about this entire thing--I can’t help feelings its partially my fault--I mean if I confronted him about what he wrote and wasn’t such a coward, then the pole dance probably wouldn’t have been so bad...I mean it would have been embarrassing--but at least...
Oh did I lose him, though?
-----------------------------------------
Now I’m not even mad.
I can’t even be mad anymore.
I can’t throw things, throw a raging fit.
All I can do is be depressed and blame myself.
At least before I could scream and shout at my friends and take it out on other people--maybe Sota--maybe everyone, but myself. Maybe I could give myself a rest from my self-destructive thoughts, but now all I can do is not even b e mad anymore and just be really sad. I mean, my friends are the best a girl could ask for, what happened was so weird, I couldn’t control what I held in, what I hid from myself some how, just crept up behind me unexpectedly and lurched out.
I just stood up, my eyes stinging alarmingly, facing my friends who were considering leaving my room and our friendship forever. But I couldn’t think about that. how selfish am I? How stupid am I, not to even think about my friendship? All I could think about was Inuyasha and how I probably could never be with him, how...I was just fooling myself and now I’d probably crushed all the miniscule sproutlings of something that could hardly be imagined to grow into something. All I could think of was that echoing g thought that made my heart fee like someone was trying to tear it apart slowly.
Did I lose Inuyasha? Did I even have him in the first place?
“Inuyasha...he’s...he’s going to let me g-go--h-h-he’s g-going--” but I couldn’t say anymore, the words got lost in a half sob, which wouldn’t finish because my friends were already surrounding me before it could with their warmth, all their arms devoured the sob until it died they snuggled in, seeping away at the urge to cry, but it still hurt like a bitch inside.
“Kagome...” they murmured empathetically in a chorus of sad loving voices. The tears still streamed down my face without sound, and then even in their love I felt so hurt and emotional, I couldn't help crying out, screaming, just letting it all out in one long shrill whimper. I felt the anger rushing back through my veins, the hate, the anger and hate at myself, I felt the need to do something violent, but all I could do was dig my nails into my friends, but they didn’t care. they came in closer. The tears came down more violently, and at the same time I felt so stupid, yet a small bit of happiness came. How could I sob when I had these friends, sure they missed the main point most of the time, and seemed to overlook my sadness sometimes, but here they were, ready to love me and embrace even when I was being so difficult. Why was I crying about being unloved by one person, when three loved me so much?
“I got to stop...”
“No, it’s okay, we’re here for you. Sometimes it helps to cry...” Yuka murmured more softly than I’d ever heard her speak
“Yeah. but sometimes it just makes you feel worse,” Eri contradicted, just as usual, with a soft laugh. I cried some more, but found that I’d gotten most of the pain to become something manageable in a few moments.
“Why are you being this nice?” I asked.
“because we’re you’re friends,” Arimi returned with a shining smile.
“Even when you are being a bitch,” Yuka put in.
“Yuka!” Eri scolded. But she was right. I was being a bitch. I always hate myself when I don’t act to my standards, if I feel anything not “pure” but then, I’m not perfect, and I can’t control how I feel. What’s so wrong with not being perfect? What’s so wrong with living? When I looked back through my entries I saw where I wrote that I hated Kikyo, I felt terrible about writing that. but at the time did hate her, and sometimes I do, I just hope I don’t wish her any harm, but if I do, I know that’s just how I feel, it’s my choice how I act upon it.
“We really do love you Kagome,” Yuka assured me.
And you know what? That SO went without saying.
The question is NOW what do I do?
Me: yeah but...Inuyasha.. (damn, how stupid am I, that made it sound like I didn’t eve care about them)
Yuka’: why would he leave you just because of a stupid dare?
Arimi; Yeah, if he’s THAT idiotic, he’s not WORTH it.
Eri: besides, what kind of guy dumps a girl when she POLL DANCES on him. He probably wants you more now.
me: *blushing* Really?
Yuka: She DOES have a point.
Arimi: Yeah, if I had a girlfriend who did that, I’d be begging her to stay.
us all: *back away, freaked out*
Arimi: What? I MEANT IF I WAS A GUY!
Me: Right, okay, but what do I do?
Them: *all sigh as if it’s totally obvious* *groan at my idiocy*
me: What?
Them: *groan more*
me: *impatient* That’s NOT helping.
Yuka: What do you HAVE to do, you just did a dare, nothing wrong, we just got done saying if he has any balls at all he’ll love you more for it.
Me: *thoughtfully* Balls...
Them: *STARE*
me: What?
Arimi: Oh yeah, it’s perfectly normal to say "balls” in a weird day dreamy voice.
Me: I DIDN’T! *blushing* I was just thinking about...well, never mind...
Yuka: What?
Me: Just...that he got an...well...
Yuka: erection? yeah, thought I saw that.
Me: *GLARE*WHAT?!!! WHYY WERE YOU LOOKING THERE?!
Yuka: Well a girl kind of finds it difficult not looking there when it’s inflating like a balloon.
Me: Wh-wh-wh--huh? *all innocent*
Yuka: *sighs impatiently* I mean, seriously Kagome, grow up.
Eri: Question: What are you guys talking about?
*dead silence*
Arimi: *whispers in her ear quickly*
Eri: Oh... *nodding in realization*... EW! *turns to disgust*
Yuka: Come on, it’s a part of life, people.
Me; You guys have to be wrong, I still don’t think he did--I mean aren’t you being too quick to judge--
Yuka: No, no, and no.
Me: So you’re saying that Inuyasha had an erection.
Arimi: Sure.
Kagome: Which, in order to do that he’d have to be...be...
Yuka: Horny out of his mind?
Me: *can’t speak face is burned stiff*
Eri: Maybe for her purposes we should just say: aroused.
Yuka: Alright, so in order to do that he’s have to be...aroused however dumb that sounds. I mean people get their curiosity aroused, people are aroused from their studies by a greeting. I hardly think--
Me: *ahem* *glare* Anyway, I still don’t think that’s right--I mean, sure he’s a guy and all, but I’m me.
*silence*
Arimi: Your point?
Me: There’s no WAY he’s like me that way--well maybe but--
Yuka: *rolls eyes* Oh my god, this is SO not the time to be fishing for compliments.
Me: *stare, sure they are insane* what are you talking about?
All three: *stare incredulously*
Arimi: Ohmigod, no way, there is no way you don’t know that you’re-- *stops suddenly*
Me: *blankly* I’m...what?
Yuka” God, forget this, we are SO not going to have to tell you how sexy you are, so go! *shoves me out my bedroom door* *pushes again toward stairs* Go! You know you’re beautiful, so leave already, god!
Me: You have me confused with someone else!! *teeters over edge of stairs* Someone who’s confident--and brilliant--and--and...more mature--calm--graceful--- *looks at friends* *clings to railing* --me? I’m just the stupid girl next door, what do I have?
*awed silence*
Me: ..the girl I just described *sighs feeling watery--I know--more tears, what’s WRONG with me?* is...Kikyo...that’s who Inuyasha wants. *shakes head* Not me...
*discouraging silence*
Me: *sighs sadly again* ...I told you...I’m just....not good enough...
Eri: *smiles famous Eri smile* Kagome? What are you talking about? This...Kikyo?
Yuka: *whispers* The other woman.
Eri: *blankly* *whispers* There’s another woman?
Arimi: Apparently...
Me: ...
Arimi: *out loud* But I don’t see what the problem is...
Me: *Huh?*
Yuka: That girl you describes a total bore...
Arimi yah, total Snores Ville.
Me: What are you talking about? She beautiful--way prettier than me *damn, I hate realizing the truth after hiding it from myself so long...* And like I said, brilliant, self assured...you know composed and mature--things I’m not.
Eri: You’re way more mature than US! *laughs* (ok, NOT convincing...)
Yuka: and some on, she sounds totally smug and full of herself, she doesn’t seem to really have any problems.
Me: Oh, believe me she does--
Arimi: yeah, but she’s brilliant and confident and beautiful? She’s gotta have a heart of ice then to balance those traits out.
Me: *thoughtfully* Well...
Yuka: Come on, you’re like WAY nice, nicer than anyone--you know, when you're not in a pissy mood--which is most of the time. besides, you gotta be prettier than her--at least that’s what I’d think because you’re the only girl in the whole world nearly as beautiful as us.
Eri: Plus you’re the smartest we know. Before you got sick all the time you had perfect grades--I bet her report card isn’t nearly as good as your was.
Me: *laughs imagining Kikyo at school*
Yuka: Anyway, I can totally see your ego swelling. I’m so tired of complimenting you, just go down there, you so didn’t need us to tell you that stuff, did you?
Me: ...well...I...
Arimi:? Enough--GO! We’re guarding the stairs!
And there I went...down the stairs and bravely into...
The closet.
Well, can you blame me? How in hell am I supposed to face him? You try it. Get dared by one of your friends to pole dance on the guy of your dreams when knowing he totally is in love with someone else, and most likely would never go for you no matter what you did. In front of tons of people, oh and be locked up with the biggest creeps known o womankind and unknowingly have your brother trick you, your mother go insane, your grandpa know the truth of your secrets, and maybe that guy know everything too (plus have a crazed “butter ninja patrolling your kitchen). By the way, be trapped in the house with all of the above, because of the apocalypse blizzard out of nowhere makes it so NO one can leave.
I’m pretty sure you’d hide in the closet down stairs too.
But I can’t stay in here forever, because if Inuyasha really wanted to he could smell me out (the downside of having a half dog demon as your crush), and my friends will undoubtedly find out where I’m hiding eventually--either that or one of the crazed lunatics in my house. well, I only need to figure out what to say to him, then I’ll be able to come out. The problem is I have no idea where to start...
I guess I could always go the direct approach... “Remember that weird dare, where I poll danced on you? Well, could you tell me if you got an erection from that? Because, if you did, well--I don’t blame you but I gotta know...” I MEAN SERIOUSLY THAT IS THE WORST LINE IN THE HISTORY OF LINES!!!! Maybe more like: “Did you read my diary, because, IT’S ALL NOT TRUE JUST A HOAX!” Okay, why would I do that, especially if he really wrote that stuff, but then I’ve been thinking, what if it’s like usual? At the time he chose me over Kikyo (and I’m assuring even though he didn’t really say that), but then he’ll just change his mind when he sees Kikyo again. Or maybe he’s already changed his mind because of my idiocy. Dammit I wish I could know what he was doing or his reaction, but my friends didn’t say anything about that...
I’m worried, why didn’t they tell me?