InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Kagome's Diary ❯ Beyond Open Eyes ( Chapter 9 )

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I think I had the weirdest dream ever. Well, at least I’d be able to think that if it wasn’t all written down in my journal...did I go insane? I think I have a fever--it must have been pretty bad for me to hallucinate that badly.

It seems really vague, but I do remember feeling kind of crappy all day. I stopped writing because I had the most splitting headache. When I blacked out earlier I think it was due to me being sick, not nervous. Maybe I’ve just been having too much stress or something. I don’t know, but I think Inuyasha brought me back to my room. It’s still dark now, and I feel so cold...I can’t stop shivering, though I have all these blankets on. That’s why I’m pretty sure I have a really bad fever. It’s still night so I don’t know how long it’s been since I wrote, I’ve been sleeping since then so it’s not as if anything happened that I didn’t record. Wait...

OHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOH MIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGOD OHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GAH!!! If Inuyasha carried me that means he carried meIN MY UNDERWEAR!!! WHY DID I HAVE TO BE SO STUPID TO STRIP DOWN TO IT JUST BECAUSE I WAS SCARED HE’D SEE ME AS A LIAR!!!? I mean I don’t BLAME him or anything--I don’t think I could even walk--I’M the idiot! I WAY over-think things and I’m WAY too much of a coward! If I just faced him...then I wouldn’t have run down through that passage way or whatever, just to escape. God I’m so damn COLD!

Hey...what’s that sound--someone’s coming. NO IT’S GOTTA BE INUYASHA THAT’S COMING!!! Ok...what now? I got to--PRETEND TO BE ASLEEP! YEAH! THAT’S IT!

But isn’t being a coward what got me into this mess in the first place?

Oh well, I don’t have time to think about it, he’s opening the door!


I feel dizzy--and I’m numb from the shock.

Inuyasha left the room, so I can write now...

I think it was to get some more cold washcloths for me, because he says I’m getting hotter...

I can’t believe what happened did--and I feel sort of numb from the whole thing--some of it makes me the happiest I’ve ever been...but then...I know that I may never be able to tell Inuyasha how I really feel...ever... Maybe not, so don’t flip out diary--but--I don’t KNOW!! I’m so FRICKING CONFUSED!!! I feel like crying--but then I feel like jumping for joy--I know eventually, everything will probably work out... But what if it doesn’t? I sometimes think maybe what happened is a sign that I CAN tell Inuyasha EVERYTHING...but then...oh I just can’t believe all that happened. Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe it was a dream. A wonderful dream--but then...sort of a bummer...because of my stupid thoughts... No, it couldn’t have been a dream! It had to have been real! I have to write it down--before this stupid fever makes me forget it--because even if my thoughts tried to screw up everything...when Inuyasha--well I’ll explain it as best I can.


I was still really cold, so despite vehement attempt to stay perfectly still as I pretended to be asleep, I wound up shivering violently instead. There was this winding silence after I heard the faint click of my bedroom door opening, and a soft shuffling of feet. I knew it was Inuyasha because he was creeping on all fours (I could tell by the sound), like he does sometimes when he’s trying to be quiet (or if he’s being especially defiant). But I could hear him stop short, and that was when the silence crept in. I felt distinct goose bumps forming all over my skin.
“She’s still asleep...” He didn’t say it, it simply slipped into his breath, like it was a thought that meandered out a little too far from his mind. Another quiet came, and I knew he was staring at me because he wasn’t moving at all, and I felt all sweaty and nervous like always do when I sense him staring at me. And for the stupidest reason I wanted to laugh. I stifled a snigger that almost escaped, and screamed at myself mentally because I was sure the whole thing was supposed to be magical and my stupid, insane urge to laugh was really ruining the whole thing. Then the panic strolled in. What if he looked at me quizzically, wondering what sort of girl I had to be to have done what I had done? Or, what if now, because of the dare, he could only drool staring thinking of me as little more than an object? The second didn’t seem so likely, but a third one did--repulsion... He might have been so disgusted by me...still.
When the floor creaked sharply, indicating his sudden movement, I nearly jumped, being torn out so abruptly from tangled thoughts. “It might wake her up, but...” The next instant I felt his hands stroke over my forehead and cheeks, and I forgot everything that plagued my mind, and all the pain and my body. At his touch I felt myself unraveling, my heart was racing and I almost felt embarrassed, but then part of me felt content and whole. I tried my best to keep still, but I suddenly found my mouth open and shuddering breaths traveling out and in it. I couldn’t calm down because my body was forcing air in and out in too big of intervals. The breaths were plagued by violent shivers. “Still burning up...and shivering...what am I supposed to do?” He removed his hands from my forehead and placed a cool, wet washcloth on it instead. It made me shiver more, yet eased my fever. But I longed too much for him to touch my face again to really feel any better.
To my utter devastation I felt the bed creak as if he were getting in it too. I froze completely still for what seemed like years after hearing a loud gasp escape me that I was sure caused Inuyasha to know I was awake. The pressure was taken off the bed and I questioned myself for my hastiness to come to such a conclusion: that Inuyasha would get in bed with me. He wasn’t, I could feel him taking his weight off, and figured he had only leaned on it, and I, having a sick mind, instantly figured he was up to something. At the time I had questioned what he was to take advantage of me, or try something like that, and then I wondered what I had caused him to see me as. But I disregarded all the thoughts as I felt him lean away. “Kagome?” My panic drew back in, he must have known now: I was awake! I felt my shivering worsen. I wanted to hold my breath and let the quiet drift through me, become a ghost, but I couldn’t stop my shuddering and shaking. The cold crept through my insides, and the hot callused my skin. If he knew I was awake, what would happen next?
I opened my eyes and was meant by a slashing pitch black, I could hardly see the outline of his body as he leaned closer. Could he even see that my eyes were open? Did he even know I lie awake? Soon after, I became so caught up with stopping my body from quaking that I didn’t notice anything else, I hugged my self tightly, trying to suppress it, but the vibrations wouldn’t end, I could feel my teeth shattering and legs chafing. I squeezed my eyes shut frantically searching for a realm of warmth and sunlight in my mind to forget the frigid insides of my body. It didn’t take long for me to realize, however, that I was no longer alone in my bed--and of course a full-fledged mental emergency bell was set off inside my head and a blind panic spread over me. What was he DOING? And why? It was obvious that it was Inuyasha, and he was moving closer to me--a befuddled and shocked girl--scared out of her wits and bewildered out of her mind.
Anger came swiftly, too. Was he taking advantage of me? Who did he think he was? Just because I had done some lame dare, here he was, in my bed! I didn’t really know to follow the instinct inside me that kept an inner sereneness--because deep down I knew that he would never use me or do anything like I was considering he was intending at the time. I felt betrayed, but unafraid as I was sure I’d be able, despite the fever, to unleash the worst sit the hanyou had ever known. I was certain I was ready to sit him, but when he came so close to me I could feel his breath on my skin, I froze up.
I soon realized the obvious reason for what he was doing as I felt him embrace me. He was being there for me. Trying to equalize my temperature, and I felt heartbreak at how wonderful he was being after I had mentally accused him of such horrible motives. He was so warm and wonderful feeling, that my body was drawn toward him but after I got some idea of what was happening, I quickly backed away. Being an absolute coward, I was scared out of my mind, especially since I was sure I was sick minded and awful. Attracted toward him, in my nervousness I soon repelled, but I felt him draw nearer and his arms fully wrap around me. Skin on skin. With stammer of my heart I realized he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Panic and numbness fought inside my brain, a great fear streaking through my body, but an inability to formulate and thoughts or good reasoning to struggle. Then I felt his chest and muscles pressing tightly against me, I was surrounded by him. Immediately, I was sure the whole thing felt far to good for me, so I avoided the seduction of warmth feebly, because the more I sunk into him, the less thoughts I had.
“Why do you always move away in your sleep, Kagome? Your shivering was going away, but no, you always have to make things difficult and move away, don’t you?” At the sound of his voice, I suddenly became compelled to do whatever it was he wanted and succumbed to the warmth, snuggling in and lying my head on his shoulder. “Ah,” he laughed, “so now you suddenly want to cooperate, do you?” I lost all rational perception of anything; I could only feel myself sinking into such a beautiful feeling. His words paused and ended in questions as if he wanted a reply, but in my frozen state of cowardice I couldn’t seem to even give him that. I could feel the throb from him...was it a wish that I was awake? But I wouldn’t have it, why would he want that? The only reason he did this was to keep me from shivering, do what he was most likely told to do to ease the fever symptoms... Despite these discouraging thoughts, I couldn’t make myself unhappy, and I found that my mind only filled with a pleasant deliciousness of the moment and nothing else.
The sensations and my actions were entirely linked, there was no thought in them, so no doubts or rationality could intervene. I’m not sure if I really remember it clearly, but I thought of how nice it was...perhaps thoughts along the lines of, this is so nice... which obviously feel very short of describing what it was, as I found myself wrapping my arms around him. Somehow, I think, I said the thought, because I heard a reply to it, which caused a ripple of alarm in my ocean of terror, it was somewhat frightening, but I was far too absorbed to really mind. “Well, at least I’m making you feel better...” For a moment I pondered over what he meant, and the bitterness in his tone, “..but who are you holding in your dreams, Kagome?” Any pleasantness I previously felt was vanquished with that one question. I felt the urge to cry, a tearing wound coming through inside. And I knew I had to let him know it wasn’t someone else I was holding.

Did I tell him I was awake? Scream I loved him and no one else? Tell him I never dreamed of anyone else like I did him? That this entire time I had lay awake and known every touch was his own?

Of course not, my fear, such a great awful specter, floating through my brain and killing all hopes and motivation, my doubt, rising above in black tides of sea wouldn’t have it at all. But I could never let Inuyasha think I held someone else, never could I let him think I dreamt of someone else taking his place in my arms.... I could feel him pulling away slightly, so I latched on as tightly as I could and pulled myself up as close as I could, moving my abandoned legs and preparing to tangle them in his when at the moment I reached them I realized they were bare--which almost caused me to back out entirely. My face felt entirely numb and I’m sure it was perfectly red.
“I wonder if it could be...Hojo...or maybe Koga...”
These words created such a rage and desperation I forgot about everything. All my doubts, all my fears, the fact only seconds ago I had discovered that he was almost entirely naked, the only thing I could hear in my mind was, “You have to do it!’ Whatever “it” was, I wasn’t sure, but “it” had to be done.
I wouldn’t let him escape. I felt my finger nails digging into his back, so frustrated that he could ever think that I would rather hold koga or Hojo in this moment, so frustrated that I had let him think it. I slammed my body into his, searching my mind for what I was going to say--what I was going to do, but all the thought became jumbled and useless. I opened my mouth afraid to say the wrong words; desperate to say something...once it came I knew what I was doing. “Inu...yasha...”
“...what?” It was earth shattering, what else could I do?! I had murmured his name, quietly, but clearly enough!
“INUYASHA!” I screamed desperately, regretting it the moment I was through holding out the word in a long shriek. What sort of dream would he think I was having? After my scream finished ringing through the room, there was absolutely no noise...that pure pressure of nothingness, the intensity before the verdict made my eardrums want to explode. In an astonishing moment I could feel his heart thundering against mine, and I wondered if he would freak out or simply wait for his heart to calm and drift to sleep after a long enough pause. Soon I realized, the second thing would be impossible...how could he go to sleep after that?
“She’s not dreaming about that...” I heard him whisper to himself. I could then feel that he was now the one shaking. And again, very randomly and annoyingly, I found the situation to suddenly be very funny. So he wasn’t convinced, eh?
“Oh!” I moaned, falsely “Oh! Do that again!” Of course, it wasn’t until after I had said it that I thought about what he’d think of me NOW. I could have killed myself at that moment, but then I remembered the pole dance and thought that he already knew I was a sicko, so it didn’t make a difference.

Then I remembered that, that was a dare and this wasn’t and I felt like killing myself again.

I was certain he was too shocked to speak which almost gave me the desire to laugh again and wondered about my sanity. At first, I feared he’d pull away because if he thought I was dreaming that and acting strangely because of it, it could make him extremely nervous--but then I remembered he had to stay by me because he wanted to be sure I was okay. I then realized how awkward of a situation I had made for him. The sounds of his stammering breaths hit my ears as he brought his face so close to mine...all the rest of my body was gone, every bit of me was gone except for that feel zigzagging through me, sort of like how you feel right as you’re feeling that momentum as you make that stomach-throwing trip over the very edge of the hill in a roller coaster-ride, only far more profound.
“Why do you dream about me?” he asked, the whispers drifting over my skin.
I knew exactly what I was going to do.
Exactly what I was going to say.
The words formed in my throat.
“Because I love you.”
But they never came.
They never got out.
Something clamped my throat closed.
Choking the words down.
Something made it so I couldn’t say them.They were true words, but something held me back.

Kikyo....