InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Suppression ❯ Chapter 7 ( Chapter 7 )

WARNING! This chapter contains scenes of child sexual abuse which may be disturbing for some readers.

 

A portion of this chapter was inspired by Simple Plans song “Welcome To My Life”

 

Chapter 7

 

Inuyasha sat on the floor of the cave with his back against the wall, looking over to the futon where his brother was slumbering peacefully. The sun was just rising above the horizon, making the dark night give way to grey morning.

 

He was contemplating over what had happened earlier. That one kiss he had been given by his demon brother had awoken in him desires he knew he shouldn't even be thinking about, let alone feeling. He had been so shocked when Sesshoumaru had held him and kissed him that he hadn't known what to do, but his body had responded. His skin had suddenly gone hot and his heart had been racing as if he had run for hours. His brother had then simply let him go and fallen asleep, leaving the hanyou slightly breathless and definitely aroused.

 

When Inuyasha knew he wouldn't wake the taiyoukai, he moved away from him and had been sitting on the hard stone floor ever since. Afraid of his body's reaction, he needed to get some distance from the one that unleashed this flood of confusing emotions.

 

The hanyou put his fingers to his lips and could almost feel the pulse of another's against them again. This wasn't what he wanted, was it? He just wanted Sesshoumaru to acknowledge him, to care for him as a brother should and not hate him because of the lineage of his birth.

 

Why then, did his heart beat wildly and his stomach feel like ten thousand butterflies were inhabiting it every time he looked over to the futon? This isn't right, these feelings. I can't do this especially when…and what about Kagome?

 

Sesshoumaru had been acting so strangely that Inuyasha hadn't been able to find out what had set the taiyoukai off. All he knew was that their father had done something, something that Sesshoumaru had remembered and had caused him to shut himself down. All this time…that coldness he always displays…maybe it's just a way to keep himself from remembering this shit, to protect himself.

 

Inuyasha's head popped up when he heard the rustling of the covers on the futon. Sesshoumaru had rolled over but still remained sleeping.

 

The hanyou sighed. He wasn't sure what to do about what happened. He didn't even know if his brother would even remember it, as he had been so completely out of it. I don't think I'll say anything about it unless he does. Thank Kami I didn't do anything in return. I'll just pretend it never happened. He just surprised me, that's all. I don't want my brother in that way. It was just a weird situation, no wonder everything got confused.

 

The hanyou began to feel better about it and with a last look at his sibling who, thankfully, was sleeping peacefully and dreamlessly, he went out into the day to find breakfast.

 

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“Hey,” Inuyasha called out as his brother sat up on the futon. It was now early afternoon and he had been a bit worried when his sibling had slept so long.

 

“Inuyasha,” Sesshoumaru intoned, back to his old self. He rose and headed down to the pool to clean himself.

 

He remembered everything that had transpired the night before. The revelation that had came upon him that it had been his father that had coerced him into doing…things and the kiss he had given his brother. He put it from his mind for the moment, working on maintaining all his defensive shields instead.

 

He had just learned something about himself. Many people always thought his powers of concentration were terrific, he just learned that really wasn't true. He had just honed to a fine art the ability to shut out unpleasantness. At the moment, he was using that ability to its fullest extent.

 

Inuyasha padded after his brother. “You feeling okay?” he asked.

 

“For now,” the demon lord responded. He stripped and stepped into the pool not noticing the blush that rose to the hanyou's face as he quickly looked over his brother's body.

 

“For now?” Inuyasha questioned, averting his eyes, curious as to what his brother meant.

 

“There's more, I am sure of it, but I do not wish to remember anymore at the moment,” the demon lord stated, sinking down into the water and grabbing the bathing supplies he had brought down from the cave with him. He looked at the hanyou that was still standing on the bank. “Are you going to join me?” he asked.

 

“Uh…well…I don't…” Inuyasha started to say rubbing the back of his head nervously.

 

Sesshoumaru interrupted him. “You do not wish to because I kissed you.” He waited patiently for his brother to respond, but the hanyou just blushed and looked away. The inu demon sighed sadly. “I apologize. I should not have done that.”

 

“Why did you?” Inuyasha asked quietly, keeping his eyes on the ground. He was trying his hardest to hide his astonishment that his brother had actually apologized to him.

 

Sesshoumaru decided to answer honestly. “No one has ever cared how I felt, if I was upset, unhappy, worried, afraid. Nobody consoled me, nobody offered to aid me…no one except you.” The taiyoukai let his eyes look out over the water feeling uncomfortable in exposing his feelings, feeling ashamed for reasons he didn't understand. “I do not know of any other way to express how I feel…to express how much your presence means to me.”

 

An awkward silence stretched for a minute, two minutes, three. “I will not do it again,” Sesshoumaru finally said to cut through the stillness. He was gently scrubbing his skin, still not looking at his brother. He didn't tell his sibling that that was the first time he had ever willingly kissed another person and that for some reason it hadn't felt wrong to him, although he knew that it was according to social norms.

 

But then I wasn't brought up with social norms was I? he thought.

 

“It didn't bother me that much,” Inuyasha returned. What am I saying? He's going to think I'm a pervert; that I'm after him. “Don't worry so much about it,” he added, hiding the confusion he was feeling at his brother's admission.

 

He shrugged out of his own clothing and dived into the water, popping up in front of his demon brother. He gave Sesshoumaru a lopsided grin. “I'm glad you like having me around.”

 

Inuyasha's grin widened when his brother gave him a small, soft smile.

 

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Inuyasha came back to the cave with a load of fire wood to find his brother gone. At first he was worried that he had left and wasn't coming back until he saw the taiyoukai's armour and fur resting on the form. Wonder where he went to? The hanyou set about putting the wood away and getting the fire pit ready. He was just about to leave himself to go and find supper, when his brother came in with two fish.

 

“Here, I caught too many,” Sesshoumaru stated passing the fish to his brother.

 

“You're bringing me supper?” Inuyasha questioned, his head tilting in curiosity.

 

“Of course not,” Sesshoumaru intoned disdainfully as he headed back to the doorway. “I told you, I caught too many, there is no sense in letting them go to waste.”

 

“Where are you going? Don't you want one?”

 

“I have eaten, I'll return when you have finished,” Sesshoumaru told him and then he disappeared out the door.

 

Inuyasha cooked his fish and ate. Even though he enjoyed the fact that someone else had provided for him for a change, he began to feel somewhat homesick and a bit lonely as he thought of his friends and Kagome. He hated eating alone. It reminded him too much of the time before he met Kikyou. Again, he wondered why his brother refused to have any meals with him.

 

He cleaned up quickly and then went outside to see if he could find his older brother. He was going to ask him what was up with these weird eating arrangements. Following his nose, he easily found Sesshoumaru sitting on a large rock, looking out over the valley and river below. He hopped up beside his sibling and sat on his haunches waiting for Sesshoumaru to acknowledge him.

 

Sesshoumaru glanced sideways at his brother. He could see he was trying to be patient and quiet but the taiyoukai could also see him twitching and hear the small movements he made. “You just cannot be still,” he muttered to his younger brother.

 

“What are you talking about? I haven't said a word,” Inuyasha complained. He thought he had been doing a great job at sitting quietly. “What's with you not eating with me? My table manners aren't that bad you know,” he said sulkily.

 

“It is not just you. I do not eat with anybody…ever.”

 

“Never?” Inuyasha asked totally surprised. “Is it because you eat your food raw? That wouldn't bother me,” he stated with some bravado.

 

“No, that is not the reason. It is the sound of another eating, I cannot stand it. It reminds me of…certain instances where I have heard similar sounds.”

 

Inuyasha opened his mouth before he thought through what Sesshoumaru had just said. “What sounds?”

 

Sesshoumaru sat silently for a moment, debating on telling his hanyou brother one of the many memories that had been invading his mind today.

 

He had been doing well to contain and hide his feelings of revulsion at his father and himself. Going to catch fish had been an excuse to get some privacy as things began to click in his memory, filling in the previously blank gaps. There were still some areas that had yet to become focused, but most of his childhood was now engrained in the forefront of his mind, no longer suppressed.

 

When he had gone to hunt, he had broken down and cried at his loss of innocence, alone and terrified until he was able to wrestle himself back behind the protective ice of his uncaring façade. But those walls were fragile and he was afraid he would not be able to maintain his cool demeanour if he started talking about it. The problem was he was just as afraid to not talk about it. What if things became worse if he tried to suppress these memories again? It seemed to him the more he tried to deny what had happened, the worse he felt. It was as if the child that had been crushed during those years was now screaming at him to allow the truth to finally come forward.

 

“Oi, Sesshoumaru. Are you there?” Inuyasha questioned, waving his hand in front of his brother's face. The demon lord's eyes had a far away look in them and the hanyou had become perplexed at the long silence.

 

“I will tell you why I do not eat with others if you stay still and do not interrupt me,” the demon lord stated.

 

Inuyasha shifted himself into a more comfortable position and looked at his sibling, waiting for him to continue. If he had known what he was about to hear, he may not have bothered ever asking his brother what the sounds were that bothered him so.

 

“I believe I was very young the first time this happened. It seems to me I was perhaps three or four. I remember being in a chair and there was a hand coming towards me. It seemed so large to me…that hand...a giant's hand. In the hand I remember a silver baby spoon. It had a curved handle, very pretty. A gift from my grandmother I believe. I can clearly see some type of cereal on which karo syrup floated; golden, pretty, ugly. I couldn't move my arms because they were bound to the arms of the chair. Now the karo syrup is not in the spoon, it is coating…” Sesshoumaru swallowed and took a deep breath. “It is on father's…phallus.”

 

Sesshoumaru hesitated to use a stronger word, feelings of shame and disgust coursing through him. Still, he continued. “It is bobbing up and down in front of me. His hand is gripping it and pushing it towards my mouth. He tells me to taste it, to lick it. I was so young but still I knew this wasn't right…but what could I do, he was my father. I obeyed.”

 

Sesshoumaru began to speak faster now, trying to get the whole tale out before he lost the fortitude to continue. He almost wished Inuyasha would say something, interrupt him or stop him, but his brother was looking at him silently with large, round eyes, his mouth open; his face white.

 

“Those sounds as I licked and sucked, slurping, swallowing. I remember at one point I was crying, struggling to get free of the hand holding my head and then there was something filling my mouth, my lungs and I was choking for breath.”

 

“It was then that father untied me and lifted me from the chair with his huge, muscular arms around my waist and wrenched my stomach. Then there was pale, gooey, white stuff…his seed…spurting from my mouth, dripping from my nostrils and I could breathe again. All those wet sounds are engraved in my subconscious and now my conscious mind. Someone eating, no matter how quietly they do it, makes those same sounds. Now do you understand?”

 

Inuyasha nodded his head, unable to speak and feeling totally sick. Could his father have done such an awful thing? The same demon that those who knew him had told Inuyasha what a great leader and man his father had been. Could he have almost drowned his young demon son in his own semen just to fulfill his twisted desires? Why didn't anyone stop him? The hanyou thought. There must have been someone who knew what was going on. Why would they just turn a blind eye?

 

“Where was your mother?” Inuyasha asked quietly, still shocked at this new information.

 

“She died giving birth to me, I never knew her. I do not even know what she looks like,” Sesshoumaru uttered with just the slightest quaver in his voice.

 

In all the time growing up in his father's castle, he couldn't even remember seeing a painting of her. The one time he had asked about her, his father had beaten him. That was the one and only time his father had ever been angry enough to raise a violent hand to him. Of course, the great dog-demon later regretted hurting his son and had wanted to make it up to him. All in all, Sesshoumaru preferred the beating over his father's `special' apology. He had learned, however, not to ask about his mother again.

 

“I…I'm so sorry, Sesshoumaru. I…Kami…I don't know what to say.”

 

“There is nothing to say,” Sesshoumaru answered him, trying to remain unconcerned. He was failing. The demon put his hand on the top of Inuyasha's head between his dog ears. “Just sit with me,” he whispered.

 

Inuyasha flicked his ears to the side in sorrow for his brother as he felt the hand on his head trembling. He understood what it meant to lose a mother early in life, but the rest of it, the torment Sesshoumaru must have endured, he just couldn't fathom.

 

Sesshoumaru was desperately trying to hold himself in check with every ounce of his will. “I feel like I am on the edge of breaking down and there is no one to save me,” the demon lord uttered miserably.

 

The hanyou reached up and took the pale hand in his own, holding it tightly. “I'm here, I'll save you,” he replied firmly, looking into his brother's golden eyes. The two sat quietly watching the sky darken as the night chilled before silently heading back into the cave, the hanyou still holding the demons hand.