InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The Gamble ❯ Chapter Two ( Chapter 2 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

A/n: Updated goodness!







Now, let me tell you something… I'll be the first to say that in one night… one night can change everything.

That night, for me, changed everything…

I found out what a real demon I was.

...I found how deep the darkness inside me goes.

…It's scary, when you're faced with that… the shadows of your mind, as Kagome says.

But Kagome also said… if it wasn't for them, those demons, that darkness… she wouldn't have ever been okay. If she hadn't know the justice she had gotten for being wronged...

She would have never been able to move on.

...Because, yeah, now she's okay…

...but then she wasn't.

She really, really wasn't.

...I don't like talking about that night. But I promised myself, and I guess, you too... that I'd be honest. That I'd tell you my story, if you were willing to listen. And here you are, listening to me. So I guess it's my turn to hold up my end of the bargain.

So…

I threw in my chips, made my wager...

And I lost my mind.

...my humanity, in the process.

...I went full out berserk.

All I remember is grabbing the nearest hard object… and beating the shit out of Bankotsu…

He was on top.

He was screaming, really loudly…

I still have nightmares about that…

But… heh, not nightmares as bad as I'm sure he got.

Kouga burst into the room, having seen me leave… and then, putting two and two together…

You get the drift.

But, fuck… he ripped Renkotsu away from the sheets, who was watching in horror at me beating Bankotsu over and over again… just not stopping.

I wanted his blood.

To have my hands soaked, to avenge Kagome...

So she could be clean.

I remember... I was thrilled... absolutely ecstatic at the idea that this guy would die for what he did to my Kagome.

I could almost taste it.

It was like, a pounding in my head, this urgency… and this hot feeling rushing through my veins.

Kagome told me later I looked crazed, and that she wondered if I had actually lost it.

It took Miroku and Sango to peel me off the Bankotsu, who laid convulsing on the floor… he went into shock.

Renkotsu was better off, having only his ribs broken, and both his legs broken… That sounds awful to hear, doesn't it?

...Really?

I guess you can imagine the bloody mess Bankotsu was then.

...Then again, that's putting it lightly… perhaps the way one might compare a misting rain to a hurricane.

Simple.

There is no comparison.

The body that was once Bankotsu was a mangled, dismembered, bloody, unrecognizable pulp of flesh.

Period. That was it.

And that was what I did to the fucker who touched Kagome like that.

Somehow, in the middle of all that mess, everyone managed to get away.

I heard, through someone else later, after 39 hours in ICU Bankotsu died a horrible, miserable death.

But… but that asshole got what he deserved. And to this day, I stand firm by that.

Yet… just the thought, the sheer ecstasy I got from doing what I did disturbed me deeply. The only one who knows just… what it did to me is Kagome.

Only Kagome.

And I guess she holds all my secrets, huh?

…I wouldn't have it any other way honestly. My Kagome…

Renkotsu, of course, was more fortunate. I didn't hear anything much about him except that he lived.

We were never caught, either… the rest of the Shinitachi, while wanting revenge… were too afraid.

...When they saw, literally saw Bankotsu… or rather, what was left of him… they were scared shitless.

One of them, literally.

And that was ironically Jakotsu. Probably the thought that his dear `Inu-chan' did this to their leader was probably a hefty mental fuck on his part.

…I can't blame him for feeling that way.

It'd fuck with me too.

Don't you think though, now, that I don't suffer the consequences for what I did.

I bloodied my hands…

That's not something you can ever wash away.

Somedays I find myself scrubbing so hard at my hands they're raw and damn near bleeding. Because sometimes I see all that blood again, and I can't wash it off.

…but...there's so way to change that…

...once again, a consequence...

Another scar to add to the mass...

As far as Kagome went… after that night, I refused to let her out of my sight. That night, she spent it at my house. And for weeks after that, I snuck into her room every night through her bedroom window.

That probably sounds dumb… like, I mean, really easy.

But her room was on the second floor of a shrine.

It wasn't easy… just take my word for it.

Eventually we got caught after a while, a long while… several months. But those few first weeks were what left a bigger impression. Our relationship completely changed then. After that night, I finally said, 'Yes, the ride is worth the crash.'

And it was.

But it was difficult for both of us, I really think, to put the past behind us. There were so many things that we had to do to put it past us. I guess I ruined the end of the story by saying I got the girl, but it doesn't end there.

There was still a whole lot of bullshit we had to go through to actually be together, in the end.

Because I was still... way, way too stupid to realize what was in front of me. That yes, I loved her.

She was the reason I breathed... the reason I got up in the morning, and went to school.

Just to see that smiling face.

...but after that, after how evil I had acted... how could I have asked someone as pure and beautiful as her to be with someone ugly like me?

I couldn't.

I was still too dumb to actually go the entire nine yards.

...even if I had finally admitted she was worth everything to me...

But I still managed to fuck that up, and I'll explain that later.

Right now, I've got other things to tell you, `cause I wanted to tell you about Kikyo too.

...Why she had somethin' to do with the difficulties of my friendship and relationship with Kagome.

Now… Kagome and I stuck to the whole 'BFF' thing for a long freaking time. Like, religiously stuck to it. If anyone said anything, we'd both go like, beet red and deny it. I'd say some pretty mean things to defuse the idea, and I'm sure I hurt her on more than one occasion… but when you get to know me, you get to know I have a really big fucking mouth. And more often than not, I want to sew it shut.

Anyway… Kikyo.

I wanna shudder when I think about that bitch…

I loved her and hated her. I loved to hate her.

Just like that.

She was always jealous of Kags and I.

She wanted something like that... she always did.

Someone she could rely on, and turn to... someone close like that.

Granted, she was an only kid. Course, she was lonely.. And guys always treated her like crap, especially her father. So she finally got to the point if she wanted somethin', she'd take it.

She betrayed Kagome's trust to get to me. She knew Kagome liked me, and by then she had liked me about a year.

I think we were like, thirteen.

Anyway, she used Kagome. And got me as a result. She made me think Kagome fucked with me, and in fact she hadn't. Hurt, I ran to Kikyo. And we ended up together.

...Damn, I even forget what I thought Kags lied to me about… makes you know how fucking important that was, huh? Yeah, really… damn.

Heh…

Keh.

What do you do then?

Can't take it back… regretting it is worthless, because then you'll be one sorry asshole over every shitty thing you've done in life, and you can't live like that.

Move the fuck on, right?

…even though, sometimes, it sneaks up on you, doesn't it?

….Yeah, it really does…

Anyway… besides reminding myself what an asshole I was over it, I remind myself what a bitch Kikyo was over it.

Kikyo kissed another guy.

Sorry.

Correction.

Multiple other guys.

...touched 'em, never did with me...

And I'm happy that bitch never laid her hands on me.

And while you're thinking, `Oh fucking no, boo hoo, sad fucking sob story. Get a grip, it's not like she fucked `em…' I want you pricks to think of one fucking thing if you're thinking that.

We were thirteen.

That IS cheating. And as far as her tonguing with some random kids multiple times, feeling them up in the bathrooms, that made her quite the slut in middle school. In fact, I'm pretty sure not too long after we broke up she fucked some random kid.

Go figure.

She never was intimate with me like that, like I said... but I definitely don't regret it.

Who wants sloppy seconds for their first time?

Anyway, Kags tells me she's sure it wasn't out of complete randomness, but I think that's utter bullshit. But then she tells me that's me being a guy.

Go fucking figure that out.

Well, I'm sure you can imagine I felt shitty as hell the first time I found out. And the shit meter inclined after I found out over and over and over again.

Let me tell you one thing.

The one thing that does me in is a crying woman.

Even then.

So while I tried to break up with her, and she'd cry she'd change, and we'll be happy and all that bullshit, I'd stay. And then she'd go around and do the same fucking thing again, and piss me the fuck off. I hated it, with a fucking passion.

This sounds like some adult thing, I've heard some people say. Something adults would do… kids have nice relationships, especially in middle school…

I guess we had to grow up quickly.

Whatever.

I just don't care.

It's what happened, and eventually, I got tired of it.

Really quick.

And it got old, really quick.

So after one final goodbye, I left. Right after my fourteenth birthday. After a year of broken promises. That leaves a young kid pretty jaded for a little while.

And then came a year of my indecisiveness.

Within that year, I moved to the nineth grade. And that was the year from hell for everybody. For those who lost family, friends, and lives.

I lost my life in my family.

...I'm not sure where it went wrong.

My brother and I… ended up hating each other. We got in this huge fight with my father, all three of us. And my brother called me an inbred prick who made his mother leave.

Now… before this, we were fine. But it's like... years of pent up rage that my normally quiet brother festered broke away and lashed out onto me and my father.

...But, mostly me.

We're not entirely sure where it came from.

Or what set it off.

But my seventeen year old brother left that year, and hasn't contacted us since. And after that, my father and I became distant.

It was almost like my father blamed me for Sesshomaru leaving.

And that's when I hated a lot of things.

Life became difficult… because I carried all this guilt. Guilt for Sesshomaru… guilt for my father… and eventually, guilt for my mother too.

Because, right after Sesshomaru left, they began arguing.

And them arguing escalated to my father drinking.

And his drinking escalated into him being drunk...

A lot.

...And that's how I started drinking. I figured if it worked for him, it would probably work for me.

...numb the pain.

Still, I sometimes can't believe how he left his shit around like a stupid dumbass.

That's how I got my booze.

And that's how he wasted all his money.

And mother had to pick up a job to pick up the slack.

I thought their love was inseparable when I was young. Like some sort of fairytale, some picturesque sort of family...

Happy ending and all.

...But once upon a time, I never got that ending.

After six months of his bullshit, my mother packed up and left. They never divorced, they're just separated.

Even now, about four years later… Almost five.

He says he loves her.

She says the same.

...She tried to even come get me… But they said she didn't have a stable home, seeing as she was in a hotel… and hadn't had a stable job enough to take me.

As if me living with my drunken father was better.

Yeah, sure.

After a while, she could of.

But I refused.

By then, I had made it my personal mission to get my dad to stop drinking… because something awful had happened by then. I'll get to that later…

Well, so, my life was hell in my eyes. And I was a worthless drunk…

We might as well have been a gang by then, since we weren't much better. How we got to be such assholes when we were fifteen, I don't know. But we ruled our territory well. The only ones who remained apart were Kagome and Shippo… even though they never left us.

We accepted that. They were the innocents.

We had to protect that.

But I was still confused about Kagome. Kikyo had told me she betrayed me, and often fed me lies about Kagome while we were together, so I wouldn't get any `ideas'... I guess…

...and even then, I realized they were lies.

But… what if she told the truth somewhere? Was I really willing to take that risk? Have someone else use me and break my heart?

…not readily…

And our relationship had been suffering severely by then, since Kikyo. We weren't quite gay ole `BFF' buddies anymore.

More like she was the nice girl and I was the fucker she tried to get along with.

Tried.

Let me stress that clearly…

TRIED.

I was too much of a fucking prick to deal with it. What's the best way to say it? Even a completely and utter, shit eating scum, totally worthless bastard doesn't cover it.

And that's sad.

Keh.

There was one day… we set out together to a park. It was after school, and she had convinced me after much pleading to go with her. Of course, I complained about what a stupid idea it was, and that only little kids go to parks, and I wasn't no kid, and blah blah blah.

Whine bitch bitch…

Bitch worse than a five year old.

I was a kid with the way I always complained to her. But she only gave me a patient smile and apologized, but never conceded from the plan. Of course, I cursed, but she just laughed.

…It was really a calm day… it was really beautiful out…

And the park was real quiet… really easy to soothe…

Not to sound like a pansy, but it was just… a good place to get away. And anyone can appreciate that…

Anyway, Kags sat me down there.

And she looked at me with those deep eyes.

I tried so hard not to get lost in them, but I failed every single time...

I don't really care if I do now, but then… I always tried not to look her in the eyes for that reason. They mesmerized me, and I'd loose track of everything.

And I didn't want her to know how I felt.

`Inuyasha?' she had asked me. I was twitching nervously, and flinched when she touched me. She looked sad, but simply drew her hand away.

I didn't say anything.

And she did what I didn't want her to.

...She asked how I felt about her.

And I glared at her, and asked her if that was why she wanted to waste my time.

And… that was when I had another choice.

The minute her eyes filled up with tears, and slowly… one by one, I willingly watched them fall.

...I put them there.

And now it was my choice whether or not I take them away, and if…

..If I were to tell her how I really felt., it would be better...

Because that would be the only way to take my cruelty back… by saying I was sorry.

And I wasn't sure what to do…

Take away her tears and heal her now broken heart… the one woman I cared for the most, for so many years…

Or… walk away with my own heart intact, and not have to worry about whether or not she'd break it like Kikyo had done not so long before...?