InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Within You ❯ You've Run So Long ( Chapter 4 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: I love the only Inuyasha related thing I own. My cute little chibi inu key-chain which lives out its happy life on my iPod making fashion statements everywhere (Ha! Take that Parris Hilton! You want something hot? Then look at my iPod cuz it's so cute and knows how to accessorize.)


A/N: WARNING!!! LIME NEAR THE BEGINNING OF THE CHAPTER!! Do not read the part marked off by the following punctuation sequence if you don’t wanna see it! No one is forcing you to read it, and if you do read it, you do so on your own because it was your decision! I am just providing you guys with a warning since I know not everyone wants to read that stuff. You have been warned!!

Punctuation sequence:

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Chapter Four



Seventy-two letters sat before her. Seventy-two letters describing in detail the adventures and the things that they had done. Seventy-two reminders of her place in the world, and seventy-two reminders that the man she loved was making a life for himself with another woman. Seventy-two reminders of her best friends’ betrayal.


The letters came twice a month. They always came, without fail, for the past two years by way of messenger bird. She had never responded to them. She never even looked at them until that first year had passed. She kept them, for reasons that she still could not understand, but she never opened them. There was a part of her that just was not ready to forgive them.

She  loved  Inuyasha. She loved him with all of her heart, and while she had learned to move on, she could not and would not forget. She had been bitter at first. Very bitter, and she had felt justified. Then, as time went on and she continued to court Koga, she started to learn that her bitterness needed to disappear. She could understand why Inuyasha was doing what he was doing. He wanted a life for himself, and he wanted a chance at happiness. Maybe not the true happiness that he could have had with her, but he was looking for it…and somewhere along the way she had started to look for her own.

It hurt giving up that dream. The dream of marrying him and having his children and spending all of her days by his side. It had become an unrealistic child’s dream. She had come to accept the fact that life—particularly her life—did not work that way. She did not have the same kind of freedom that Kaede did to love Inuyasha. She did not have the same freedom choose who she wanted to marry, and she did not have the same kind of freedom to do as she pleased. Oh how she wished she did have that freedom. She had wished for it every day since she had turned thirteen.

The unfortunate reality of the situation was, however, that no matter how much she wished that she could have that freedom, she would not have it. This is why she was courting Koga instead of taking Kaede’s place.

She stared down at the letters before her. That first year she had only received twenty four, and when she had eventually opened them up, she saw that they were all from Kaede. She did not know why, but she was desperately hoping that it would be Inuyasha who wrote to her…and in time he did. She learned of all of their adventures through these letters…and…of how they were falling for each other. They were making a life for themselves together, and the sting never seemed to end. Granted, Inuyasha never spoke of his love for Kaede to her in the letters, but she heard enough from Kaede to not want more from Inuyasha. He normally kept his letters rather short and to the point, only elaborating when something was truly exciting and note worthy took place.

She wished that he would write more. She wanted it oh so very much, yet she knew why he refrained, and why she should be glad that he was not writing a lot to her. It was so that he could distance himself further from her. Give them  both  even more room to heal and move on. She did not believe him that day in the library. There was too much love and passion and emotion in that kiss for it to have been fake. Perhaps that was part of why she had been so furious with him up until he had left. Because he dared lie to her about how he felt.

She sighed and shifted under the unrelenting gaze of those seventy-two letters. Seventy-one of those letters meant nothing to her. She never had any intention of writing back, but this seventy second letter…the one currently in her hands with dried water marks from her tears…this one she would have to respond to, and she hated herself for what she was going to write. She was tempted to strangle the messenger bird that had brought it to her, but it was just an innocent in the situation. The bird had done nothing wrong…and if she were being truthful with herself, she would acknowledge the fact that in truth, Kaede and Inuyasha had done nothing wrong as well. Still, this was easier said than done. Kaede’s words were blinding to her, and at the present moment, she absolutely hated Kaede. Kagome did not care if she had a right to hate her or not. The fact remained that she did, because of what had transpired between her and the man she loved. The man they  both  loved.

Kagome picked up the first seventy one letters, and carefully hid them away under her bed. She took deep, calming breaths and read over the seventy second letter one more time. She had spent all day reading over this letter, and the seventy one that came before it, and she had come to her conclusion. She just wanted one more day before she sealed their fate…and forever broke her own heart.

Tomorrow would always be there. She just wanted one more night before she replied, and she would allow herself this one last luxury.




“How many rooms for ya? One or two?”

“One will suffice.” Inuyasha wrapped his arm around the woman next to him, pulling her close and glaring at the inn keeper for lustfully eyeing Kaede and issued a silent warning. “We are married.”

The man’s eyes widened a fraction before falling to the Kaede’s hand. His gaze stayed there for a few seconds, confirming his guest’s words and Inuyasha knew that he had won the battle. The inn keeper’s eyes returned to Inuyasha’s and he recognized the inn keeper’s smile to be as false as saying the moon was green. His eyes spoke of what he was really thinking. Inuyasha could tell that he still lusted after Kaede despite the fact that she was spoken for, and that there would be no rest for the weary. He would have to keep his guard up at all times to ensure her safety.

He sighed and pulled her closer to his body, and Kaede wrapped her arms around him and closed her eyes in contentment. She was oblivious to the exchange, and if Inuyasha had his way, she would remain oblivious. He had to fight men off of her on what seemed like a daily basis, and she had fortunately never caught on. He would be the first to admit that Kaede was an attractive woman, so he could understand why men’s eyes followed her every movement. Still, that did not mean that he would allow their eyes to do so. Not when he was with her, and he did not plan on leaving her anytime soon. Not with his ring gleaming on her delicate finger.

“How many nights will you be staying for?”

“I am not yet sure…but I would like to pay for tonight now.” Inuyasha fished out of his pants pocket a pouch filled with gold and silver coins and took out a few of them, handing them to the inn keeper. “Would you show us to our room? We are very tired and would like to get some rest.”

“Of course, sir. Feel free to come down should you desire anything to eat. Please follow me.”

Inuyasha nodded his head in acknowledgement, but knew that this would not be so. They had already eaten, and really, they just wanted a place to rest for the night.

Inuyasha lead Kaede up the stairs after the inn keeper and down a hallway to a room that the man had opened the door to. Inuyasha bid him good night, and quickly locked the door behind him. He honestly doubted that it would do much good. While the inn keeper had handed him a key, he was almost positive that he had a spare, and if he really chose to, he could come in and get Kaede from him. He would have to keep her close to him all night, something which he had already planned on doing.

“You know I love it when you call me your wife,” Kaede cooed, drawing Inuyasha from his thoughts of keeping her safe as she wrapped her arms around his neck, slithering her hands up into his hair and lightly scratching his scalp with her nails, sending a shiver down his spine.

“I do,” he murmured pulling her close so he could lean down to nestle his nose in the crook of her neck, deeply inhaling her feminine sent.

“I cannot wait until I really am your wife. I dream of it every night…”

“As do I…and of our wedding…and what comes to follow…” he murmured, tilting his head so that each word gently ghosted her lips, teasing her and beckoning her into wanting more.

“Pervert,” she smiled. “You already know what comes after the wedding.”

“Mmm…and I must say…I enjoy it greatly.”

Kaede’s eyes widened as she felt his hands slip from the middle of her back to further and further down, until he was grasping her buttocks.

“Oh really? Is that so?” She was playful. He liked it when she was playful.

“It is.”

“Well then…why ever should we wait until we are wed? Especially when we have no plans for this evening.”

“I think we do now.”

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Inuyasha gently cupped her face in his hands, tilting it upward so that he could gently press his lips against her own, provoking the desires swimming within their blood, feeding it and encouraging it to strengthen. To let their most primal wants and desires to spring forth. To let them cave to their deepest wants of wanton lust. They both knew that coupling before marriage was—to say the least—highly frowned upon. Still, that first time…a time months before now, what society taught and dictated had been far from their minds. That first coupling had given them both courage to genuinely contemplate if this was right: if their relationship, their being one, their engagement only weeks prior…if that was right. If this was the right path for them. While Kaede had known then and there that it was, Inuyasha…

…he was still another matter.

Even now, as he pressed his lips against her neck, her abdomen, her navel, her breast. Even as he feed upon her, sucked her bosom like a new born babe…even now he was not completely sure that this was right.

It felt good, yes. It felt good to be seated deep within her as he was now. If felt wonderful to thrust in and out. He could not describe how he felt when he could take no more and her lips, fingers, tongue, teeth, and entire body had brought him to the point where he saw blinding white lights. There was no doubt that this act felt wonderous…but his heart…it was still unsure. This repeated act only proved that to him, but he could not stop this. He had tried to avoid bedding her again, confused and lost as to what was right, but his body craved her, and he was only a man, after all. That is what he told himself time and time again as he squelched down other feelings. Feelings for someone else.

Kagome…

He could not help but wonder if she would look the same way Kaede did when she was under him. Would her mouth open in a perfect little O when he thrust in and out of her? Would she close her eyes, or would she keep them open, staring into his or up at the ceiling with her head tilted back. What would her breasts look like? Would they slope off subtly to the sides and gently sway up and down, keeping in perfect rhythm with the rest of their beautiful dance? Would her skin glisten with sweat in the candle and moon light? Would she be silent, or beg him for more? Would she tell him what to do, and better yet, would he obey? What would it feel like to be buried in her, completely and entirely?

Suddenly, he felt himself stiffen as the white light flashed before his eyes, and then, slowly, his muscles relaxed enough for him to lay himself down next to his panting partner. He closed his eyes and kept them closed for a moment, opening them when he felt an arm wrap around his waist. When he opened them, the reality of what he had done struck him, punching him in the gut and forcing all the air from his lungs. He….what he had done? It was no better than using Kaede as a common street whore. He had thought of…envisioned…pretended that Kaede was another woman. A woman that—clearly—still had his heart. How could he have allowed this? How could he have used Kaede in such a manner?

~~~~~~~~

More importantly though, how could he be engaged to a woman, when he had thought of another during an act which was to help bring them closer together?

Kaede started to run her fingers through his sweaty shoulder length black hair, and he only felt sicker with himself. This had been the only time he had done this, and he was going to make sure that it was the last time, too. He could not do that to Kaede. She deserved more than that.

“You were wonderful…again,” she murmured, pressing her lips to his bare shoulder blade.

“As were you,” he choked out. He hated lying to her like that, but he did not have an option. He could not tell her that it felt better than usual because he was thinking of Kagome.

He could feel her smile against his skin, and knew that she was pleased with herself for making him feel just as good as he made her feel.

“We better get some sleep. I want us to get out of this place come dawn.”

“Alright. Good night, my Love.”

“…Good night, Love.”

He hated calling her that after what he had done. Did that mean that maybe he did not love her as much as he had originally thought? He turned around in her hold, and wrapped his arms around her in kind. Regardless of if he loved her or not, he had no choice. He  had  to love her now. She was his fiancé, and Kagome was an untouchable dream, the same as she had always been.

Inuyasha drifted into a not so sound slumber, his dreams plagued with thoughts of what could have been and what was to be. He was almost glad when dawn started peeking in through the windows, and when the strange tapping noise started.

He pulled the pillow he was using to sleep with over his head, covering his ears with it and praying that the noise would stop. It did not seem to care about what he wanted though, and only continued. If anything, he felt like the noise was getting louder.

“Please stop,” he groaned. He felt the mattress move and shift, alerting him to Kaede leaving the bed. He was not sure what she was going to do, but so long as she got the noise to stop, he did not care what she did.

“Inuyasha?” She gently called out, and he groaned in response. “Inuyasha, it is the bird.”

That got his attention.

“What is it? Did it come with anything?” he demanded, throwing the pillow off of his head and sitting upright.

The last letter they had sent to Kagome…well…that Kaede had sent to Kagome…that contained a very important question, and they needed an answer to know where they should head next. If she said no…that was almost as crushing as if she had said yes.

“It did. Not a big one though,” she informed him as she started to untie something from around its little clawed foot.

“What does it say?”

“Inuyasha, I did not even open it yet! I cannot possibly know what it says.”

“Well untie it faster!”

Kaede paused from her work of trying to liberate the bird’s foot and looked up at her fiancé, giving him an expression that clearly stated she thought that he was going crazy.

“Would you calm down? You waited three weeks for this letter. You can wait another two seconds, I think.”

He sighed and fell back onto the bed, arms and legs spread wide in exasperation. “Yes…but I am anxious. I want to know what she said. She has never responded to a one of our letters, and now when you write her about that—”

“I got it off.”

“And?”

“It…it only has one word on it,” she told him, climbing on top of him and straddling his waist. She held the paper out to him, and he quickly took it from her.

“Come,” he read, and Kaede started giggling and pressing kisses all over his face and neck.

“She wants us to come home for the wedding! Can you believe that? Oh Inuyasha…this is wonderful news!”

“It is,” he forced out around the lump in his throat. He was not sure why, but he felt that this would somehow change things…again.

“We better hurry and get dressed,” she instructed. “Even though I love seeing you like that, you cannot very well go home as bare as the day you were born. Come on now…hurry!”

He ignored his reddened cheeks and did and Kaede told him, still in a daze, but also very nervous. Why would she tell them to come home? This could not be good.





She hated being painted. You had to sit still for hours on end with a stiff, straight back, aching limbs, and an itch in your nose. You could not move, no matter how much you wanted or needed to. You could not talk. You could only listen if you were spoken to, and most of the time you were not spoken to…after all…why would someone talk to a person who they knew could and would not respond?

It was dull, boring, and uncomfortable.

She hated it, but most of all, she hated the consequences of what it did to her mind.

She was a prisoner to it. She could not move, could not talk, could not do anything. All of this left her with one option to amuse herself so she would not die of utter boredom, and that was thinking. Unfortunately, the only thing her mind seemed to want to ponder was the  last  thing she ever wanted to entertain her.

Inuyasha…

It had been four months since she had sent her response to the letter, and she had been consumed by Inuyasha ever since. She just could not stop thinking about how when she saw him next, he would be a man engaged to someone she thought of as her sister. Someone other than herself…just as it was supposed to be. Just as he always wanted it. He had finally won. She was with Koga, and he…was engaged and forever out of her reach.

She had already seen Kaede. They had returned the week before, and both had taken up posts in their former positions, meaning that she saw Kaede and her ring every day. It was a simple ring. Nothing special, just a gold band. No engravings, no design, nothing. That did not change the envy from rising up from in the pit of her soul to take a hold of her being. Every time she saw that ring, she wanted to be the one wearing it because of what it represented: a life with Inuyasha…something that she had been denied ever since she was fifteen. Now, she was eighteen, and he was twenty and their lives had changed greatly. Now she could only look on in envy as Kaede wore that ring.

Kagome mentally sighed. Why was it that she seemed to only be capable of thinking of this? Of the ring and of him and of her courtship with Koga? Fifteen more minutes. That is how much longer she had to endure this pain for, and then she would have her freedom, and in fifteen minutes, she did.

The second the painter put down the brush, she was hiking up her skirts and running for the door. She needed space and the outdoors and to move and run and be free. She slammed her palms against the dark mahogany of the entrance and pushed, finding her way into the hallway and eventually out of the entire castle.

She paused for a moment, enjoying the feel of sunshine on her skin, and suddenly, she had the uncontrollable urge to swim, and the only place she could do that was at their place. The pond she used to go to with Inuyasha when they were both young and things were still simple. Her heart ached, and she needed to go there again, just to see it if nothing else.

She smiled and slipped off into the shadows of her surroundings, oblivious to the ones following her.





Inuyasha had been in the stables all day. Even though he had been gone from the castle—and the country—for quite some time, it was easy to fall back into his old routine. It seemed that there were some things that could never be forgotten, and this was just one of those things. There was another…thing…that could not seem to be forgotten, not that he could really blame her.

He had thought that he would see Kagome at some point before now since his return, but apparently, she had little to no interest in seeing him. He had done everything in his power before he had left to right their relationship, but she had made no effort to do the same. Honestly, he found her behavior rather childish, but that had not stopped him from writing to her.

He stretched and rolled his shoulders, cracking his neck from side to side as he got ready to take a brief break.  As much as he loved the now very old Ash—he still smiled that Kagome had named the horse Koga had given her after him—he could not spend all day in the barn with the horse. He needed some time to himself.

Inuyasha latched the doors to the old steed’s stable and the barn shut, relishing the feeling of finally being outdoors. He glanced at the sky and took note of the sun’s position in the sky. It had to be well past supper time. Perhaps he could sneak into the kitchens and find something to snack on, or he could get Kaede to do it for him. They seemed to like her more than they liked him, not that he was surprised by this.

He was the Princesses best friend, a former noble, and had the chance to leave the castle and see the world. There are many who envied and hated him, not that there had ever truly been a time when he was liked. People had always seemed to find reason to hate him. Everyone but Kagome always had.

He shook his head from his thoughts and continued onward toward the kitchens in the back of the castle.

He had made his way over to the gardens when he noticed a quick movement in the bushes. He stopped and listened carefully, every nerve in his body on full alert and listening to his surroundings, his old training from years before taking control and telling him what to do. The movement happened again, and he isolated its exact location. Suddenly, a woman burst forth from the brush and darted out of the garden, heading in the direction of the woods not too far from where they stood. Inuyasha did not know what possessed him to run after her, but soon he felt his feet pounding the dirt and rocks below, forcing him in the same path as the woman.

She gave him quite a chase for the first five minutes or so, but once she was in the woods, she slowed down, and so did he. Inuyasha was not sure as to why he wanted to follow the woman instead of confronting her, but he was going off of his instincts: something that rarely led him astray.

She wound her way around trees and over fallen logs, as if following a path she knew by heart, and he felt that he knew this path as well. It was so familiar and distinct…almost like he had come here in his childhood or like he had been here before in his dreams. It tugged at his heart, and his mind was frantically trying to place his surroundings. He knew it so well, yet he could not place any of it.

The woman stopped for a moment, almost as if she was trying to find bearings on her location. She seemed to come to a decision and continued onward. The trees began to dwindle slowly until she led him to a clearing. That is when he knew where he was.

“Kagome…” he whispered quietly.

This woman had to be his Kagome, for this place was none other than  their  place. It was their pond. He had not been there in years, and it seemed that he had all but forgotten the path to the place that they had spent so much time alone at when they were children…but they were not children anymore. No…Kagome was a grown adult now.

A  beautiful  grown adult. Now that he could see her face, he could tell that she was so much the same, and yet so different all at once. Her facial features where still as beautiful as they had been when he had seen her last, only now they were more distinct. More profound and angled. Her eyebrows where like delicate brush strokes. Her figure was more shapely than before. It was that of a woman. The only thing that had truly remained the same was her beautiful blue eyes. They were just as he had remembered them.

Inuyasha crept to the tree closest to her and pressed himself against it, peering out from behind to watch her every movement.

His brow furled in worry and puzzlement. Why had she come here? He had distinctly told her years ago that she should stop coming here by herself. It was not safe, and anyone could sneak up on her. It apparently was not that difficult to do, too. After all, he had absolutely no trouble following her here. Stupid girl. That was how you found trouble.

She continued to appear to be oblivious to his presence and watched her as she raised her fingers to the buttons on her dress, slipping each through the hole keeping the cloth closed. What in God’s name was she doing? She was not planning on swimming, was she? She started to shrug the cloth off of her shoulders, and his eyes widened further. Apparently, she was. He had to put an end to this. Anyone could be watching her.  He  was watching her, not that he minded, but that was beside the point.

Inuyasha took a deep breath, and boldly stepped forward from behind the tree he was hidden by.

“What do you think you are doing?” he demanded, startling her from the task at hand. She jumped at the sound of her voice, and turned around to face him, her hands glued to the opening of her dress and her eyes wide with fear.

“Who…” she began, trailing off as her eyes searched his face as if trying to figure out who he was. “Inu…Inuyasha? Is that you?”

Apparently, she was not the only one who had changed over the years.

He smiled ever so slightly, the corner of his lip turning up just a tad. Slowly, he nodded.

“It is me, Kagome.”

Her eyes brightened, shining both with happiness and the gathering of tears. She wanted so badly to run to him and hug him. She wanted to take him into her arms and never let go, but she had no such privilege. Still, she did not want to think about why she could not. All she wanted to do was take him in and look at him. He looked so different from the last time she had seen him. He had always been handsome, but now…if you could call a man beautiful, she would. He had always had sharp features, but now, it seemed like they were even more defined. Stronger even.

He distracted her from her visual rediscovery of his features when he walked towards her and started to re-button her dress, removing her stunned hands and placing them by her side. He ran his hands up to her shoulders when he had finished his task and stared into her eyes, taking her in as she did the same.

They had both changed so much, yet they were still somehow the same.

“You have grown up, Kagome.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“No.”

“Good. You have as well, you know,” she blushed.

“And?”

“It is a good thing too.”

His eyes warmed at her words and he squeezed her shoulders just a bit, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into an embrace. She rest her head on his chest and closed her eyes as she breathed in. His scent had not changed. Nothing about him had really changed. In his arms, she still found home. She still felt safe. She still felt like her heart was about to burst out of her chest.

She pulled back from him and cupped his face in her hands.

“You are home…you are really home…”

“I am.”

“I thought that I would never see you again. You were so set on staying away for forever…”

“That changed. Things…changed.” He looked as uneasy as his words sounded. She could tell. His eyes were the same. They still betrayed everything that he really thought to her, if to no one else. This was her warning that she was walking on thin ice.

She obeyed the warning.

“Well, regardless of if things changed or not, I am still going for a swim. I have been cooped up all day, and I want to stretch my limbs. You are more than welcome to join me. I…I would like that, actually.”

He wanted to say no. Swimming, he felt, would open the door to a world of possibilities that should not be explored, and yet his fingers were tugging at his clothing before he could stop them. He was walking to the edge of the pond despite the little voice in his head telling him not to. He was making a mistake, he was sure…and yet….he could not bring himself to care. He could not bring himself to move away from her in the water, and she was not stopping him. She provoked him, splashing water in his face and chasing him just as they had done as children. They spent hours in the water, and finally dragged themselves out to lay laughing and panting on the banks, fingers locked together, just as they had been years ago when everything was still simple.

They laid there simply talking and fixing holes in the fragile structure of their relationship, and when they left, they left with the promise to come back the next day. This promise was not broken by either, and soon, they started to come there every day. By the time a month had passed, it was almost as if Inuyasha had never left. It was astonishing how well everything could be fixed. Soon, as Inuyasha lay on the bank of their special place, next to the woman who had his heart, he began to wonder if his engagement to Kaede was right.

He knew that these doubts had been swimming in his mind ever since they had consummated their relationship, and now, in the dying light of day as he stared into Kagome’s eyes, the thought of promising himself to anyone else made him almost retch. He still knew that he could never be with Kagome...but with the way his heart almost felt like it was going to beat out of his chest when she gently brushed his bangs out of his eyes, he had to question his former beliefs. Could he honestly be happy with another, and did he not owe his other the right to be cherished as much as he clearly cherished Kagome?

“What are you thinking about?” Kagome asked him, trailing her hand to rest on his cheek while her thumb started to stroke the bone that lay there.

“Just things…” he replied cryptically.

“And what might these things have to do with?”

“Nothing that you should worry about,” he whispered while his eyes studied her face again, just as they had the hundreds of times before over the last month. “You have changed so much…”

“I wish you would stop saying that. It makes me feel like I have changed for the worse.”

“No…you have only become more beautiful with time.”
The smile that blossomed over her face only made his heart beat that much harder. Her gaze drifted from his eyes to lower down on his face to where his lips were, and in that moment…in a split second, he made a decision that would once again alter his life. He leaned forward slightly, just enough so that his lips were just barely touching hers. He could feel the heat from her skin as he paused, just hovering a fraction of a millimeter away from her. He could tell that she was holding her breath, waiting for him to finally make contact with her. He knew she wanted it desperately. She wanted it as much as he did, but he would not allow it. Instead, he turned his head off to the side and softly nuzzled her neck. He brushed his lips against the soft rosy flesh that he found there, but he would not kiss her. She took a hold of his head and he allowed her to move him so that he was looking her in the eye. She was questioning and hopeful. She was desperate to know where he was planning on leading them.

He smiled down at her and took her hands away from his face. He brought them to above her head, and she raised an eyebrow. He just smirked in response and leaned up to kiss her forehead. He moved down to the raised brow and kissed it as well. He continued down to her nose and kissed the tip and then her chin. He pulled away from her just enough to take in her expression. The light in her eyes spoke of a giddy happiness, but her smile was taunting. She knew what he was building up to, and she wanted him to do it already. What she did not know was what he was building up to, letting the suspense drive her mad inside so that when he finally gave her what she wanted, it would be like the first breath of air after almost drowning.

He moved both of her hands into his left hand, freeing up his right to rest on her cheekbone where his thumb could repeat the actions that hers had done not so long ago. They did not need to speak to know what the other was thinking. They never truly did. They could always read it in their actions or eyes, and she watched his finally drift down to her lips. She wanted it so badly now. He had worked her up to the point where she thought she might die if he did not kiss her soon…and she knew that he knew it. It was a chaste kiss. It lasted only a few seconds, but that was all they needed.

Sweet and innocent.

It was like the rebirth of them. The first official marker in their friendship being restored, and the catalyst that would hurl them into uncharted waters. It was a birth and a death, for with that one simple action they both knew that there was no going back. Everything he had ever said had been proven invalid. All of his attempts at distance and trying to convince both her and himself that there was nothing there had been for naught. In the end, there was no keeping them apart.

He retracted after a moment, and stared down at her, gauging her reaction, which was to only pull him down for more.

The first kiss had been a hello. This one was meant for getting to know each other. It was for exploration and testing each other. Seeing what they liked and disliked. Cautious and curious and in no way felt wrong. When they parted from each other, Inuyasha just hovered above her for a moment, staring down at her. When he laid down in his former spot, a thousand questions started swimming through his head, and he heard Kagome start to voice some of them.

“Inuyasha…what does this mean?”

“I….am not sure…but I think it means something good.”

Her resulting smile made his heart soar, until he saw sadness begin to seep into her eyes.

“It cannot be good…Yash…unless you intend to end your engagement with Kaede, and my courtship with Koga. You hardly know what just happened. I am not so sure that we should do anything more until you know what this was, and you know what you want. I am willing to fight for whatever this is, Inuyasha. A month ago, I would not have been, but I am now and I need to know that you are willing to do the same, and I need to know what  this  is.”    

That day plagued Inuyasha for the next month as he kept turning her words and those events over in his mind. He could not make sense of what it was that he wanted exactly. What the right thing to do was…and Kaede seemed to sense his inner turmoil.

She had been noticing his odd behavior over the last month, and could not seem to figure out what it was from or why he was suddenly acting the way he was. He seemed distant and more pensive than she had seen him in years, and it was troublesome that he would not let her into his thoughts. He had closed himself off from her, and several times when she had gone to look for him in the stables, he was missing. It was all so unlike him.

She had a million questions swimming through her head, and no answers. She was becoming more and more concerned by the day. Every time she tried to bring it up, he pushed her away. She even tried to make love to him in the hopes of talking to him about it after when his lips seemed to be the loosest, but he dismissed her advances. He would not touch her anymore, and when she tried to touch him, he would just pull back and cast his gaze guiltily to the side.

Kaede was nearing her wits end by the time a month was over. She could not stand his behavior anymore, and she needed answers, and the only way she could think to do that was to follow him. It was not something that she wanted to do, but she needed something. She was worried about him and them, and her greatest fear was that there was now someone else. She did not want to think that, but that was what all of his behavior led her back to believing.

She pretended she was sick one day, and her plan nearly back fired on her. He insisted upon staying back from the stables to look after her, which did put her at ease slightly, but did not help her in the ways of figuring out what was happening to him. She managed to convince him that she would be fine and that he should still go to the stables after much insisting and near pleading.

Once he had left, she changed out of her bed clothes and quietly slipped out of their room and carefully watched his every step as he made his way to the stables from behind objects to conceal her movements. When he made it to the stables, she crouched down by a window and peered through it to watch him take care of the horses. He paid special attention to Ash, and she could not help but giggle a few times at some of his antics with the horses. She was lucky that he did not seem to hear her. She had thought that she might become board while watching him, but she actually found herself becoming quite enraptured by his every movement. Inuyasha had always been a sight to see, but there was something about just simply watching him brush a horse’s coat that was absolutely amazing. It was a few hours past mid day when the doors to the barn opened and she watched a woman walk in. Not just any woman though.

“Kagome…I was starting to think that you were not going to come.”

Kaede felt a part of her die when she heard those words and saw them embrace. She tried to deny what she saw, but the truth was right in front of her. No amount of telling herself that they had hugged as friends could erase the way her hands had rubbed his entire back or the way that he had gently nuzzled her neck or how they seemed to be clinging to each other. She could not erase how when they parted, he bent down and gently kissed her brow like she was the most important thing in the whole world.

“Of course I am going to come. I need to see my precious Ash, do I not?” Her tone was serious, but Kaede could see the playful light in her eyes. Ash might have been part of the reason she came, but there was a much more virile stallion in the stables that she wanted to see more.

“Oh? You came to just see him?” She could feel her heart breaking even more as she watched him place his hands on her hips, bringing her back flush to his front as he rest his check on the crown of her head while she fed a vegetable to Ash.

“Mmhm…why else would I come all the way out to the stables?”

“I have not the foggiest idea…”

“Come now, Yash, you know I need to see my boy every day.”

“And your ‘boy’ is only Ash?”

“Perhaps…”

They were silent as they watched the old steed happily munch away at his special treat, and when he had finished Kagome gave his velvety nose one more pat before turning to face Inuyasha.

“Have you given it any more thought?”

“I have…but Kagome…you do not know how hard this is. The right thing, the honorable thing, and what I want more than anything are three entirely different paths. I wish that it was as easy as it seems, but it is not.”

“I know. That is why I am patient. I know you will make the right choice in the end.”

“God…I hope so. I want you so much, Kagome…but there are so many things that make it harder now than ever. I wish that it  were  as simple as you make it sound.”

“I just wish that you would decide soon. There is talk of my engagement. If you have any chance of disputing Koga’s claim on me, it needs to happen within the next week.”

“I am trying my best, but as I said before, it is not that easy.”

“And I appreciate that, Yash. I am just telling you that our time is running thin.”

He sighed, but made no comment. Kagome broke away from him and sat down on the bench a few feet from him.

“Can you imagine what it would be like if you had never left?” she whispered, playing with a bit of her skirt.

“I can, but I also know that had I not left, and had I not returned, I would have never appreciated just what I had given up.”

“Just like you never really know what you have until it is gone?”

“Yes,” he confirmed, sitting down next to her and wrapping his arms around her torso, letting her lean her head upon his shoulder. “In an ideal world,” he continued, “I would have asked your father for your hand long ago because I had made it through the program and made something of myself. He would have said yes, and right now, we would be talking about  our  wedding, or even what to name our first born…but I learned long ago that nothing goes to plan. So many things would be different if they did.”

“We cannot change the past, Inuyasha. I learned that there is no point in dwelling in it, even thought I love to think about it. The only thing we can change is the future…but right now,  our  future is in your hands. I mean what I said that day at the pond. I will fight for whatever it is that we have, but I need to know where you stand and what it is that you want.”

“And as I have been telling you, what I want and what is right and what is honorable are different things.”

“I know just…please do not keep me waiting much longer.”

“I will try my best.”

“Thank you. Who would have thought that an almost thirteen year old could purpose to a man, and have him seriously consider it still after all these years?”

Kaede slumped down against the side of the stable, her legs unable to keep her up right anymore. She had heard more than enough, and seen more than she ever needed to. What he wanted, what was right, and what was honorable. She knew exactly what that meant, and she knew that this was why he had changed over the last month. Because of Kagome. Always because of Kagome. Kagome had everything in the world, yet that was not enough. Kagome needed what was hers too. She needed her fiancé. She needed the man that she loved more than life itself as well. She could not just be satisfied with what she had? She was in a courtship with Koga. She did not need Inuyasha. Kaede…she needed Inuyasha. He was her rock, her reason for living, her best friend, the man that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with…but Kagome…

She just could not leave well enough alone. She needed more, did she? Well, she was not going to let him go without a fight.

Summoning enough strength to get back to her room in the castle, Kaede changed back into the same clothes from earlier and slipped back into bed, laying down with her arms under her head.

If Kagome was going to steal Inuyasha away from her, then she needed a plan that would keep her away from him.

Or better yet…

A way to hasten up her own wedding, and a way to speed up talks of Kagome’s engagement.

Oh the possibilities! She could start rumors of how Inuyasha had soiled Kagome…but that could back fire. Inuyasha could be beheaded or imprisoned or forced to wed Kagome. No…that would not do…but…Inuyasha had soiled  her. She could say that she was pregnant, and that the reason she was feeling sick was the baby. But that was not true…and he would be able to tell that she was not when she would not grow from their child. She could say that she miscarried in a few weeks though. He would be too afraid to leave her if she was in such a fragile state. And she could start rumors of how Inuyasha and Kagome had been meeting in secret. Not that he had ruined her, but that they had been seeing each other. Oh yes…it could work!

But…

Did she honestly want it to? Was it worth it to trap a man in something he did not want?  He  wanted  Kagome  as much as  Kagome  wanted  him. A part of her had always known that he loved Kagome. A part of her had always known that a large part of the reason he left was to get away from what he felt for her. Was it honestly right, then, to trap him like this? If she loved him, really loved him, would she not give him the option of leaving?

No one ever needed to know that he had ruined her. No one ever needed to know that she knew what was going on between Inuyasha and Kagome. If there was one thing she was good at, it was keeping secrets. She had been entrusted with many by Kagome over the years, and she had never once let any of them pass through her lips. She could keep what she knew to herself.

Even so, she did not want to give him up. She knew that she really did love him, but the thought of him with anyone else threatened to destroy her. How could she not want to prevent that from happening?

It was all too much. She did not know what to do, and she found the stress from the situation too taxing as it forced her into an uneasy slumber.

She awakened to the feeling of a hand pressed against her cheek, and a wet cloth mopping her brow. She knew who it was, or so she hoped, but she did not want to open her eyes and look at him. She was afraid of what she would do. He was a stupid, evil, conniving bastard who was going to rip her heart out.

The wet cloth disappeared, and a dry one took its place as it absorbed what the first cloth could no longer hold. When he deemed that she was dry enough, he removed it too and gently kissed her forehead.

Damn him. She deserved better. She was a respectable, good, decent, hard working woman. She was full of love and caring and she deserved someone who would treat her with genuine love and respect. Someone whose kisses were true. She should not have to settle for someone like Inuyasha, who would turn around and kiss Kagome given the first opportunity he had.

But…

She  wanted  Inuyasha. She wanted him so, so, so very much…and this want only broke her heart more. What grip did he manage to entrap her heart in? Better yet, why had she let him? Why did this even have to happen?

She was not sure when the sobbing started, but it quickly became uncontrollable and impossible for her to keep from Inuyasha. He was by her side in seconds, sweeping her up into his embrace and against his chest, rocking her back and forth in what was meant to be a comforting motion. Instead, it only hurt her more. He was trying to comfort her, yet he was the one causing her this pain. She wanted to push him away and pull him closer all at once. She hated this. All of this. She just wanted it to go away, even thought she knew that could not happen. He was here, and it was quite clear that he was not going anywhere. Damn him. Damn him to the seventh level of hell, and damn his male need to take care of her and others.  

And damn her. Damn her for falling in love with him. Damn her for wanting a man who a part of her had always known could never be hers. Not completely. And damn her for clinging to him like a helpless child. Damn her for still loving him. Damn her for still needing him completely and entirely.

“Kaede…what is wrong?”

His words only made her sob more.

“Please tell me, Kaede. You can talk to me.”
No…she could not. She could not tell him what she was thinking, or how she was feeling. What good would that do? She did not trust herself at this moment, and with good reason.

“If you do not tell me, how can I fix it? Come on, Kaede. Tell me what is hurting you.”

“You cannot fix it.”

“Why? What is it? Why can I not fix it?”

“Because…you just cannot.”

“You do not know that.”

“I do.”

“Why?”

“Because I had a miscarriage.”

Oh God…what had she done?

















A/N: (Original posting: 12/27/10)

*Lyric to David Bowie's song Within You (http:// www. youtube. com/watch? v=y1-l0UN CKJM)


Ok, ok, ok…I know I have been gone forever. All I can do is offer up my humblest of apologies, and pray that you guys don’t shoot me. All I can say is that, once again, life got in the way…but hopefully I will be up and running again, just like I used to be! I have a new “cheerleader” pushin me on with this stuff…so with any luck, I will be as good as new in no time :).

Also, I am well aware of the fact that I have updated this story like…a THOUSAND times over the last few days. Don’t hate me!! I just figured that now would be the time to change big things that I noticed since it’s the holiday season and not a lot of people will be on here, so it won’t be QUITE as annoying. Only after I fixed the big things did I notice the abundance of little things…whoops?

On the note of updating…fellow authors…WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE WITH MEDIAMINER?? I die off for a few short months *cough 7 cough*, and when I come back, it won’t take any Microsoft word docs (docx or doc). Nooooooooo….it wants plain or rich text. And do they upload with the right formatting?!? NO! It has NOT been fun adding an extra space after EVERY paragraph for 92 pages, or extra spaces around italicized words. If anyone has a solution to this, let me know, because this is NOT fun.

Alright…bitch fest over…what right do I REALLY have for complainin after dyin off for as long as I did, right? Call it punishment :P.

Anyways…Thank you SO much to EVERYONE who has stayed true to this story!!! I really do appreciate everyone who reads, and LOVE everyone who reviews. No liez, I swearz. You guys rock, and you know it!!! As always, I would GREATLY appreciate any and all reviews. Tell me if you love it, tell me if you hate it, tell me if you think I lost my mind a few chapters back…don’t really care. Just tell me what you think :). And hey…since I have been GONE for forever…feel free to ask me ONE thing about the story or plot including big picture stuff, and I will answer truthfully. My gift to you. And it will also be your reward for reading this GIANT monstrosity of an author’s note. I thought I was trying to cut back on those. Hmmm…..

Seriously though, THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS READ AND REVIEWED. And a particularly special shout out to Doki_luv3. If not for you, I might not have picked up this story for ANOTHER few months. You are awesome, you rock, and you reminded me of why I love to write. Much love :).

Enough of the AN, and time for the ARs! Remember…I respond to EVERY review :).


To: SplendentGoddess
Thanks! Sorry that that got in the way again…but I promise: I’m FAR too excited for angsty lil tidbits down the road to give up on it! And now that the flash back it almost over with, the REAL fun should be starting soon :D. You got it exactly for the flash back. I would not let it take up THIS much space if it weren’t for the fact that you guys need to understand the past in order to understand the future, so to speak. As you can see…I did have something similar to what you were thinking planed, but mostly to still leave a window of opportunity open should I choose to take it later on…and honestly, I might. It’s starting to become a bit too tempting… But nonetheless, I promise that in the end, it will be an Inu/Kag! It’s already starting to head back that way a bit more. If only Kaede would stop interfering… Thanks for your review!! Once again, and as always, it is GREATLY appreciated!! I hope that you continue to read, and hang on for the bumpy ride!!



To: Kokoronagomu
Hahahahaha….As a Mr. Dwight K Schrute would say, “If onlysand justswere candies and nuts, then everyday would be un de donkfest!” I think I’ve been watching The Office a biiiiit too much lately… Ah men…they are a rather infuriating and strange breed…shame we can’t live without em. Can’t really live with them either…but hey…at least they make life more interesting!!…Thanks for the review!! It means a lot, and I hope that you will continue to hold on for the bumpy ride!! The next chapter is about half way through length wise…but I’m not so sure about it content wise. Anyways…thanks for the review and keep reading!!

To: slydragon
Thank you so much!! I love hearing that kind of stuff! It gives me the warm and fuzzies :). I grew up with a much older brother and sister, so even though Labrynth wasn’t that popular a film when I was young, it was still a great staple of my childhood :). It had to have been one of my all time favorite movies as a kid. Odd kid? Nah. Cultured ;). Sorry about all the email notifications you may have gotten over the last few days since this is one of your favs. I just had a loooot of editing that I needed to do, but never really noticed still now. Distance will do that to a person :). Anyways…thank you SO much for your review!! I hope that you will continue to read, and fear naught! The story will go on, I promise!!


To: WyckedFrankie
Thank you!! I don’t know about the talent or the fans…you just need to keep at it, to be frank. I defiantly was not all that fabulous at the beginning, and even now I sometimes think that I lack a certain finesse to really describe things…but the only way to get better at it is to keep on doing it!! I know that if it weren’t for sheer determination and my first beta, I might not have kept at it…but once you find out that it is something that you like, you just keep at it. Besides…having good writing skills is defiantly something that will come in hand. Trust me. So, don’t let anything get in your way, and find a tough skin and a cheerleader to keep you going! That makes all the difference in the world :). Thanks for the review, and I hope you will keep reading, and I hope that you will start writing again!! I will hafta check your stuff out now ;).

To: wthlovex

LOL!! Ummm…sorry?? Yeah…um…both your things kinda happened…whoops? I promise you though, it is heading back towards Inu/Kag now though!! And you only had to endure a brief section of Inu/Kaede sex…but if it makes you feel any better, they are both in their 20s, and Inuyasha thought of Kagome the whole time (thus, my reason for throwing it in there to begin with. Prove to Inu that there is NO escaping his feelings for her, because ultimately, no matter what, they are still there and will still pop up.) Anyways, thanks for the review! I hope you liked this last chapter, and I hope that you will keep reading!!



To: ocelot125

Thank you!! I plan to keep on going still too, even after all these months. I know…I’m a horrible person to keep you guys in suspense for this long…but I’m back, and I’m gonna keep on going!! One thing I CAN promise you, for sure, no matter what, is that there is going to be a LOT more heartache. I seem to specialize in it for some odd reason... I love writing angst, what can I say? Don’t worry though, because there WILL be fluff too!! Anyways, thank you for your review!! I hope that you will keep on reading, and I hope that you will enjoy the next chapter!!



To: Doki_luv3

Thank you so much for your review!! If it weren’t for this, I honestly can’t say I know when I would have picked up writing again, and I mean that whole heartedly!! Without this, I would have forgotten about writing all together, so thank you for your review!! It is so nice to have nice little reminders like this now and then to remind me about writing, but now that I picked it back up again I don’t plan of forgetting about it any time soon! Thank you so so so very much for your review! I hope that you will continue to read this story! It had been a lot of fun writing it so far, and I plan on continuing now. I hope that your friends liked this as much as you did!! But I warn you, there will be just as much (if not more) angst later on as there is now!! I hope that this won’t discourage you from reading, and I hope that you will enjoy this story, as well as my others! Thanks for reviewing! You rock!


To: ahh!!

Ah hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I died when I saw this!!! I know I have probably been driving people crazy right about now with my constant updates, but I really thought that there wouldn’t be too many people paying attention now since its Christmas and all. Most people don’t update/get on around now….or that is what I thought at least. I hope this makes you feel a bit better!! See? Brand new shiny chapter WITHOUT the updated sign anywhere on it…..for now…. *evil grin*. I hope that this was satisfying after your two painful days, and I hope to add a new chapter soon! Thanks for your review, and I hope that you will keep reading!!
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