Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Witness ❯ Chapter 3 ( Chapter 3 )

Witness chapter 3

 

Adam Kadmon

 

Disclaimer: I do not own Eva

 

Warning: rated NC-17. But not for sex. Not in this chapter. It's all violence this time up. That and my pervasive use of the word fuck. That's in here a lot. Enjoy.

 

 

----------

 

The void thinned to a dark grey before beginning to recede, like a tunnel, away from his eyes and ears. It was being drawn away, forcibly pulled back by some unknown power. It was regretful. The darkness had been so calm. He split his eyelids open and needling white pain sunk into his head. The hurt shifted and solidified, forming objects and colors. After a moment he realized he was staring at the ceiling of a hospital room. He recognized clicking noises, as well as a steady, slow electronic beeping. It dawned on him that he was still alive.

 

I survived, was Shinji's first lucid thought. He closed his eyes in tired disgust. Damn it.

 

“Shinji-kun… h-hey there.” Misato grinned as he opened his eyes again. She was sitting very close to him, practically hovering over his bed. “No, it's okay, don't worry. Don't talk. We… we had to repair your throat a lot, okay? There's… a tube down your throat right now, helping you breathe. You won't be able to talk for a little while. But don't worry. You'll… you'll be fine in a few days. Just… relax, okay?” She smiled, but it shook. “You'll be fine.”

 

Shinji made a strangled sound with his throat and nearly passed out.

 

“Hey! Stop it! I told you not to talk.” She swallowed. “Just stay cool. I'm… I don't know if you were worried, but I'm fine. Just a little banged up, that's all. I'm already back to work.” Her smile was still shaky. “So… and Asuka and Rei are fine too. Everybody's fine. You… you did real good.” Her hand ran through his hair. Misato was breathing very fast.

 

Shinji made another sputtering sound. He did not stop until Misato finally latched on the idea of having him write out his questions. Her eyes hung heavily on the button controlling his morphine drip.

 

“Alright… alright. One question, then get some rest. I mean it. Just one.”

 

She produced a pad of paper and a pen. Against her better judgment, she gave them to him. He scrawled a single word on it, his usual, crisp, tidy kanji slurred and broken. Misato was able to guess what it was.

 

“The pilot? He… Shinji-kun, you should rest. There'll be plenty of time later to—”

 

He struck his limp hand against the paper four times. Misato bit her lip.

 

“Shinji-kun… Shinji-kun, I'm so sorry. I am so, so sorry. You did your best, okay? Everyone knows you did your best. No one, no one blames you, okay? It wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault…”

 

He hit the pad once more, his aching eyes filling with tears.

 

“Shinji-kun… I'm so sorry.” Her voice hitched in her throat. Her uninjured arm reached out to him, holding his hand, squeezing. “You… God, you tried so hard, and I'm so proud of you. But…” She was crying. “Shinji-kun, he died, okay? I'm… God, I'm so sorry…”

 

The tears trickled from his eyes. His small chest jerked up and down. His crushed throat made a few more tiny sounds, each one cutting into him. And into her.

 

“Shinji-kun, calm down, please.” She tried to stop his hand from hitting the bed. “Please, just calm down.” Her tears fell on his bed. “Please, I'm begging you. It isn't your fault, I swear it isn't. I swear on my life, so please.”

 

He did not heed her. He started raising his head and pushing it into his pillow. The ventilator clicked faster.

 

“Shinji-kun!” Misato hugged him, ignoring the doctors' warnings, ignoring his injuries, ignoring her own, desperate for him to stop his silent punishment. She cried into his shoulder. Her weight forced him to stay still. She could still feel him straining under her. “Shinji-kun! It's okay! It's okay! I'm staying right here with you, okay? I'm not going anywhere.” She stopped for several powerful sobs. “I swear, I swear we will get through this. Please, please, calm down.”

 

He made a high sound, like air escaping a balloon. The inside of the breathing tube was speckled with crimson.

 

“Please!” she begged him. She stayed on him for a long time, her free arm clutching the side of his battered face. “Stop it! I can't… I can't do anything but beg you, okay? So please… please, God, please… you didn't kill him, Shinji-kun. You did everything you could and no one blames you. God is not going to blame you. So please… calm down…” She cried harder than he did now. He was too weak to continue. “I'm begging you, please…”

 

Asuka watched them from behind the observation window, one of her own arms in a sling, a bandage wound round her head. She watched Misato continue speaking to him, though she could not hear what she said. She watched as he finally calmed himself, either from her words, or sheer exhaustion, she did not know. But he still cried. He cried for the life of the pilot he had failed to save, while Misato cried for the life of the pilot she was trying to save.

 

----------

 

Asuka decided going to school was not a good idea.

 

Coupled with the fact that she didn't need it made her decision to stay home easier to palate. She was, after all, a college graduate. The minor detail that she'd have to face both Hikari and Aida had nothing to do with it.

 

How could she tell them… that Shinji, after she had failed, had amazingly, heroically, rescued the entry plug from the possessed Unit-03, saving the pilot's life and ending the Angel's at the same time. How could she tell them further, that after he had pulled it free, his own injuries had caused him to pass out, and the rescued plug fell from his hand, shattering on impact with the ground. How could Asuka tell them that Touji's skull had been sliced in half by a broken piece of the plug, ending his life in an instant.

 

How could she tell Shinji?

 

Despite her personal hatred of lies and deceptions, she could find no reason to disagree with the plan Misato had formed after the news reached her. Suzahara Touji, as far as Shinji knew, had moved away with his family, like many others had following the attack. The brash young boy had never entered NERV, had never been approached by Maya with the promise of better care for her sister, had never been saved by Shinji, had never been killed by him. The Third Children knew none of it. He was told that the pilot was a young man from China, someone he had never met before. Just another unfortunate lost soul in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

Misato should write novels, Asuka mused. Her imagination was limitless. She crafted an entire past for the phantom Fourth Children, mostly on the spot. Shinji just kept asking about him. It didn't matter when Misato begged him to stop. It didn't matter when the major deigned to let Asuka visit him. He would not allow himself any peace. In a particularly dark moment, he told his roommate he deserved every bad thing that ever happened to him. That it was punishment.

 

For what? she had asked.

 

For living, he had replied.

 

They hadn't talked about Ritsuko in days. Asuka doubted if Misato would approve, anyway. Relations between the two women had been… strained, to be polite. Tempers and emotions ran high, and their inability to soothe Shinji only added fuel to the fire. Nothing they said or did affected him. Nothing could penetrate his shell. He had retreated far into himself, lost in a haze of shame and self-hate. More than ever before, he was a mystery to her.

 

Asuka had no clue what her guardian had told Shinji, but somehow, magically, he remained within NERV. He did not pack up his meager belongings and run away. He did not swear to never pilot again. Even though, as far as Asuka was concerned, that was exactly what he should have done. She couldn't believe he was still willing to keep fighting, despite the familiar blood on his hands. Asuka never thought he had it in him. She frowned. Whatever Misato told him must have been big. Whatever it was, neither one was telling.

 

If there was one thing Asuka hated as much as lies, it was secrets. And now her guardian and her roommate were sharing a huge one. Just like they were sharing his bed every night after they thought she went to sleep. Asuka never once, ever pretended to understand Misato, not in the least. She wasn't that arrogant. Still, she tried to wonder what in the world Shinji was getting out of this that justified a twenty-nine year old major in a para-military organization sleeping in the same tiny bed as a fourteen year old rape victim. It boggled the girl's mind.

 

They weren't fucking. That much was clear. She thought. Granted, her sleep pattern was anything but regular these days, but it wasn't due to loud groans or rocking headboards.

 

Though Misato was more affectionate with him as of late, ever since he was released from the hospital. Maybe it was an attempt to comfort him, to ensure he stayed in the city. Asuka didn't know. She also didn't know what she could do for him now. Being raped was one thing, feeling like you murdered someone was something else entirely. She actually found herself seeking him out, hoping he was willing or able to speak, about anything. Even something as mundane and pointless as the weather. He'd offer her a few scraps of conversation, carefully designed, neutral responses that ensured him a quick getaway. Nothing she said or did seemed to matter. Maybe it was best she give him some space.

 

Maybe it was best for both of them. Asuka was still slightly amazed that Shinji had beaten the Angel all by himself. Like she and Rei didn't even exist. Like all NERV needed was him, and that devil he piloted. The images of the battle against the shadow came back to her suddenly, the Angel he killed single-handedly. This was not a trend Asuka could encourage. She knew, she was painfully aware that he had overshadowed her in the minds of her colleagues and co-workers. Getting raped and fighting off two Angels by himself had really put a dent in Asuka's refuted greatness. It was like she hardly existed now. She tried to hate Shinji for it, she had really tried, but all she saw when she told herself he was to blame were the bloody claw marks on his chest, and the claws that made them. Her hatred of his skill and prowess somehow shifted, and merged with the disdain she held for Ritsuko. It was the only way she could manage. She found herself not wanting to hate Shinji anymore.

 

Certainly the quiet guilt she felt for never telling him who the pilot of Unit-03 was had nothing to do with it. Or shame over failing to protect him. Of course not. No way. That was ridiculous. Out of the question.

 

But still… she wondered. She wondered what he was thinking. He wouldn't meet her eyes at the table for meals. He wouldn't seek her out to talk or just goof around anymore. He no longer smiled, even in apology. He no longer apologized. He would sneak around the apartment now, hugging the walls and darting into his room.

 

He was behaving like a criminal.

 

Part of her wanted to scold him for acting like such a baby. Though she'd never personally ended anyone's life, she didn't imagine it to be such a big deal. These were dangerous times, after all. And Eva pilots especially knew the risks they were signing up for. Suzahara knew the danger, and had accepted anyway. Granted, no one could have foreseen his unit getting possessed and becoming an Angel, but he had to have known a degree of danger was present, even in a simple start-up. It was no reason to punish yourself. Shinji hadn't done anything wrong.

 

But in the end, Asuka let him have his solitude. She knew sooner or later he'd find her again, and they would talk. He just needed some time. She felt sure of it. But her resolve did not lessen the feelings of powerlessness and futility that plagued her. Her inability to give Shinji anything to help him. It was in rare, desperate moments like these that she sincerely hoped he was getting something from Misato. Anything.

 

It was times like this when all she could do was stay on her bed, keeping her door ajar so she could look out and see his room. The plaque that hung from his door always seemed to shine in the moonlight. It always shone, obscuring the words. All she could do to remind herself of the boy who slept within was to say his name. She spoke it softly, only to herself, trying to release the feeling of frustration pent up inside her.

 

It was in these small moments of the night when she would admit to herself that she wanted to say it to him.

 

“Shinji.”

 

Be strong. Be stronger than what you are now. Don't give up because of what you're feeling now. Don't give up. Don't abandon everything around you. Don't abandon the world because it's ugly, and unfair, and cruel, and horrible. Because the world still has a use for you. For me, for Misato, too. We… we aren't allowed to die yet. Not until they say we can. But when they say we can, when it's all over…

 

She shook her head. Her thoughts and emotions became confused and jumbled.

 

I don't want to die, she realized. I don't want to die and…

 

She blinked, amazed.

 

I don't want you to die, either.

 

It struck her like a revelation. Like God had suddenly shed light on a part of her mind she didn't even know existed. Like turning on a light switch for the first time. The dawning of something… big, unfamiliar, strange… she could almost put her finger on it…

 

“Shinji,” she said again.

 

The dark night never answered back.

 

----------

 

It was another Monday. It was another synch test.

 

Shinji, still not fully recovered from his extensive injuries, was slapped into a plug suit and sent to Unit-01, as per his father's orders. No one questioned it, not outright, but everyone, even Ritsuko, winced as his display window came up. Every time he moved his head the long, smiling scar running across his neck would appear. His trachea had nearly been crushed to pulp, and after several hours in surgery, the doctors announced he would be able to speak again.

 

But the soft, feminine beauty of his voice was lost forever. In its place was a tinny, almost mechanical growling, a synthetic and false echo of his former tone that rose the hairs on the crew's bodies in revulsion.

 

“I'm ready,” Shinji choked out.

 

Misato sighed, trying to keep it together. She had to face him. She couldn't let him find out how horrible she thought he looked.

 

His eyes were still blood-shot, a full, deep red. Darker than Rei's. His face was bruised and bloated, his hair in a state of disarray. As he placed his hands on the controls, Misato cringed. His left limb was like a crushed aluminum can. Edges and points sticking out at horrible angles, his middle and ring fingers unable to bend due to the metal strips inserted under his cast to aid recovery. His head lolled slightly with every breath, the pain killers the doctors pumped into him making him feel not quite alive.

 

“I don't know what this will accomplish,” Misato spat. “He's barely conscious.”

 

“Commander's orders,” Ritsuko said, trying to ignore the two guards behind her.

 

“Shut your mouth, bitch. If I want your opinion I'll beat it out of you.”

 

The bridge was stunned silent for a long moment.

 

“… Dr. Akagi,” Maya said. She refused to address her as sempai anymore. “His score is terrible. Barely above 50%.”

 

“What the hell do you expect?” Misato snapped. “He feels like he just killed someone.”

 

“Major,” Aoba said carefully. “We're picking up interference within the plug.”

 

“Probably just the drugs in his system and the—”

 

Ritsuko was cut off when Misato backhanded her to the floor.

 

“I told you to shut your fucking mouth,” she snarled. “The only reason you're still alive is because that son of a bitch Ikari thinks you're so fucking useful. Just remember your life is in my hands. If you ever talk about Shinji-kun again I will break you.”

 

“Major—” Hyuuga started.

 

“Shut up and get back to work.”

 

Ritsuko cupped her cheek, and stood up. She stared straight ahead at the display. At Shinji. She smiled softly.

 

“Wipe that damn smirk off your face!” Misato swung her bandaged arm over her head, freeing herself of the sling. Her good arm flung out her gun. Everyone froze. Even the men guarding Ritsuko. “You should have died at Matsushiro. I should have shot you the first time I saw you. I'll do it right now. We can do just fine without you.” The barrel pressed into the blonde's temple.

 

“Major!” Hyuuga shouted again.

 

“What!?”

 

“We're connected… we still have audio connection with Unit-01.”

 

Misato jerked her head to the screen. Shinji was curled into himself, clutching his head. The unnatural sound of his synthetic voice crying reached her ears. Her gun clattered on the floor.

 

“Shinji-kun… Shinji-kun…”

 

He severed the feed from the plug. His image disappeared, and the bridge crew became very quiet.

 

“… get him out of there,” Misato ordered. “The test's over.”

 

----------

 

Shinji dragged himself to Misato. Not because he wanted to, but because it was his duty. It was the only thing he could do.

 

As he passed the final corner leading the synch test bridge, a horrendous error in timing brought him face to face with Ritsuko. He stopped, his bloody eyes going wide. He clung to the wall, the tinny sound of his labored breathing filling the corridor.

 

“You look terrible,” Dr. Akagi said, smiling. “Get some rest.”

 

“Who the hell is she talking to now?” Misato roared from the test bridge. She entered the hall. She broke into a sprint.

 

Ritsuko leisurely walked past the young boy, then leaned down and whispered in his ear. Shinji cried aloud, scrambling away from her, falling to his hands and knees. He was screaming. Soon the other techs were around him.

 

“It's not true!” Shinji shrieked. His new voice box sounded ready to burst.

 

Misato flew past him, elbowing Ritsuko's escorts to the side. She pinned the doctor to the wall, jamming her slung arm into her windpipe. Her other brought a fist to her face. The blow rang through the hall. Ritsuko coughed up a few teeth, and dribbled blood down her chest. She made a strange gurgling sound.

 

“Shinji-kun!” Maya yelled. She tried to hold him down. “Please calm down!”

 

It took both guards to subdue Misato. As they dragged her off the doctor, she lashed out one last time with her foot, her heel tearing away a chunk of flesh from her thigh. Ritsuko collapsed to the floor.

 

“Get her back to the cell!” one of the men called. Soon the hall was flooded with agents, most trying to restrain the major. A few others unceremoniously dragged Ritsuko away. Back near the bridge, Shinji kept repeating “it isn't true” again and again.

 

“Get off me!” Misato shouted. “Get off!”

 

She heaved the agents away. Her hate for her oldest friend was pushed down by the utter horror of seeing her charge convulsing on the floor. She reached him by shoving the techs from her path.

 

“Shinji-kun!”

 

He screamed and recoiled at her touch.

 

“Call a doctor!” Aoba yelled at the lingering agents. “A real doctor, damn it!” They hurried off.

 

Misato proved that even with one arm, she was stronger than Shinji. She held him to her, shielding him from the rest of the world. She spoke into his ear in a voice so low that even he could not hear it. Because he was still crying.

 

“It's not true,” the boy sobbed, his voice high and awful. “It's not true.”

 

----------

 

“Katsuragi,” Kaji said, sighing. “You look terrible.”

 

“Go to hell.”

 

“Been there,” he muttered. He sat beside her outside Shinji's hospital room. The boy had to be sedated. It was just recently that his weeping had ceased. “You aren't doing him any good acting like this, you know. You know that, don't you?”

 

“Shut up, Kaji.” She held her head in her good hand. “Don't you think I know that?”

 

“Then learn to control yourself, for his sake. It's a miracle the commander didn't fire you on the spot.” He sighed. “Look, I know how you feel—”

 

“No. You. Don't. Don't you ever tell me you know what I'm feeling right now.” Misato gritted her teeth. “No one knows how I feel.”

 

“Then try to think how he's feeling. He needs someone to tell him it'll be okay. He needs you tell him that.”

 

“How the hell can I tell him that!? It's my fault he was raped! If I had been doing my God damn job and not bitching about Asuka moving in and you coming back and Shinji acting like a coward I could have seen what was going on.” Misato turned on him. “Or can you lie to him? Make him believe he's still a kid, that he wasn't violated by a predator, that he's doing the best he can, that he didn't just kill his best friend! Tell him that! You seem to have all the fucking answers!”

 

Kaji shut his eyes.

 

“No,” he said, “I can't tell him that. Because I hardly know him. You're his guardian, Katsuragi. You need to start acting like it.”

 

“He doesn't need me,” she hissed. “Asuka's doing just great with him. He'll talk to her but not to me. Every time I open my damn mouth he runs away. He—”

 

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself!” He shook his head at her. “Do you think he's likely to come clean about anything when you fly off the handle about each and every little thing? Do you really think he wants to see you threaten the woman he probably thought he was in love with on a daily basis?”

 

“He didn't love her!” she snapped.

 

Kaji rubbed his temples.

 

“He's fourteen. He's been abandoned and thrown around his entire life. He's just hitting puberty. Don't tell me he thought it was all fun and games.”

 

“He didn't love her!”

 

Misato stood, shaking with rage. She glared down at the spy.

 

“Where the hell do you get off lecturing me about love!? You, you scared little boy who's never fucking even said it! You have no right to talk down to me. None!” She turned. “Get the hell out of here. I don't want Shinji-kun seeing you. It would only upset him.”

 

Kaji sighed, and got to his feet.

 

“Katsuragi…” He stopped, seeing her face. “Listen… just tell him… tell him he isn't alone, alright? That there are people here that want to help him.”

 

“Yeah,” she said, turning away. “Everyone's really been such a huge asset to him up until now.” Misato halted and glanced over her shoulder. “Don't worry yourself, Kaji. He isn't going anywhere. He'll stay and fight and kill no matter what it does to his body and mind. So save all your speeches, all your ideals, all your shit. Save it for Asuka, or the next slut you seduce, or the next pussy at NERV who gets cold feet. I won't have you filling Shinji with your pathetic sob stories and guilt.”

 

“No,” the spy said, unable to hold his tongue. “I suppose he gets enough of that from you.”

 

She stared at him, for a terse moment. She did not frown, or scowl, or make any perceivable gesture. Finally she shook her head very slowly.

 

“Goodnight, Kaji.”

 

Misato entered Shinji's room, and locked the door behind her. Kaji heard the observation window's blinds draw shut with a snap. He sighed. As he started down the hall back to NERV's bridge, he caught a flash of red as someone darted around a corner.

 

Despite himself, despite the situation, Kaji chuckled.

 

“Be patient, Asuka,” he muttered. “She can't keep him to herself forever.” For the first time in a long while, Kaji felt the redhead was moving in the right direction. He hoped, perhaps not for solely altruistic reasons, that Shinji was moving towards a good place with her.

 

That night was peaceful. The city slept in a quiet dark. When the sun crested the hills, and the moon slipped beneath the horizon, no one, not a single soul realized that death's shadow was already cast upon the city and all who dwelt within it.

 

----------

 

The fourteenth Angel floated into Tokyo-3.

 

The defense and military lines threw wave after wave of nothing on it. A pivot in the air, a familiar cross-flare from its eyes, and all human opposition was gone. A clean board. It drifted over the buildings, firing off a few blasts now and then, searching for a way into the Geofront.

 

Unit-01 stood beneath the city's ceiling on the lawn before NERV, a rifle gripped in both hands. Behind him rocket launchers, axes, polearms, weapons to kill, stood at the ready. Shinji pushed down his fear and self-hate. But they kept bubbling back to the surface.

 

He was the first line against the Angel. No, he was the only line. Units -02 and -00 were still under heavy repairs, Rei's was missing an arm, Asuka's was having its skull unflattened. If he failed here, if the Angel got past him, there would be nothing to stop it, short of NERV self-destructing. Either way, everyone was going to die if he lost. If he failed to kill it. Kill it just like he killed the Fourth.

 

An explosion rocked the artificial roof above him. The Angel's hulking body entered the Geofront and Shinji opened fire. His aim was off, terribly. He could barely feel the rifles in his hands. The wonders of a 50% synch ratio.

 

The rifles clicked empty, and he threw them to the ground. He lugged a rocket launcher over his shoulder and targeted the cloud of smoke he had created. He hesitated. Shinji did not know what possessed him to leap to the side; it was merely a subtle, instinctual gnawing on his left leg. A premonition.

 

Not good enough. Twin razor sheers sliced through the smoke, separating Unit-01's torso from its legs. He landed hard on his arm, the rocket he was aiming firing off into the retracted buildings above. He watched his legs flail into the lake by his side. And then the pain hit. A bright, shining agony, even at half synch, feeling his innards spilling out of the wound, collecting in a steaming pile where his crotch should be.

 

His new voice hitched in his new throat. He heard Misato yelling over the tac net, frantic. She wanted them to cut the synch rate, but any lower and he would lose all fighting control over the machine. He heard his father tell her to wait. Shinji struggled up on his elbows, snarling, tasting blood. He saw the Evangelion's bulging stomach, its ropy intestines, several purple masses covered in a jelly-like membrane. Shinji vomited.

 

Then the world shook. The Angel's eyes flashed into NERV's main pyramidal structure, leaving a smoking crater. Shinji did not know, but it had melted each and every layer of armor protecting Central Dogma's soft underbelly. The Angel began moving to its entrance. It was over.

 

Damn it! God damn it! This can't be over. Not so fast. Come on you God damn monster. They will not die before me. I won't let them die before me. I'll be dead and buried before any of them see hell.

 

The Angel floated over him, making its way to the hole it had just blown into the earth, the crust of the Geofront. It stopped, and tilted down, facing Unit-01. The eyes flashed again and Shinji's world became light and fury. A hammer had embedded itself between his eyes, forcing his face to collapse inwards upon itself. He screamed. His ruined left hand clawed at his burning face, cutting deep channels into the flesh. One of his nostrils was sheered in half.

 

He felt his face, as Unit-01 felt its. He felt the spongy mass of muscle and tissue free of the Eva's armor, the bulging green eyes that had stared at him so many lifetimes ago. He could no longer distinguish between the Eva's injuries and his own. They blurred, melded, became one and the same.

 

Another flash. Another hammer. Deep, deep into his chest. Past his ribs, which swung open under the force, deep down into the soft things that gave him breath and life. And something else. He could clearly feel a sphere rooted where his heart should be, smooth and hard. And then he felt the Angel's razors against it, and it made every ounce of him shake. It was breaking, slowly, surely, under the assault.

 

Assault. Forcing violence on another living thing. Forcing your will on another living thing.

 

Assault. Like rape.

 

Rape.

 

The Angel was raping him.

 

Shinji, for the first time in his young life, felt hate. True, unguarded hatred that burned in his exposed belly and made his teeth show when he yelled. He clenched the control yokes, breaking the metal rods on his left hand, making them fly out from his fingers. They punctured the suit and globs of blood spilled over his dead legs. He did not feel it. He no longer heard the screams over the tac net, or the smoldering ruins of the battleground, or the foaming ramblings that left his own mouth. He no longer saw the displays blaring at him, the fires all around him, or the ruined mass of organs below him. All he saw, all he heard was his enemy. He saw it clearly, and he became hate.

 

Hate.

 

Ritsuko.

 

Hate.

 

Father.

 

Hate.

 

Misato.

 

Hate.

 

Ayanami.

 

Hate.

 

Asuka.

 

You're going to hate everything I hate, Shinji told his machine. You're going to hate everyone I hate. You're going to hate and you're going to kill. You will kill everything I tell you to kill.

 

Evangelion Unit-01 faced the fourteenth Angel, its ruined visage gleaming in the dying day. Its mouth swung open.

 

You're going to grow teeth, he told Unit-01. Unit-01 grew teeth. Your hands are going to pierce any barrier, he told Unit-01. Unit-01's hands clutched the Angel. You are going to kill, he told Unit-01. Unit-01 killed.

 

The Angel floated up, trying to dislodge the half dead thing clinging to it. Unit-01 pulled one arm back, and then sank it elbow-deep into the Angel's side. God's messenger faltered, and slipped back to the earth. The Evangelion's arm ripped out of the wound, and pushed back in. The fourteenth Angel landed on its back, Unit-01 on top. Its hands and arms went into it again and again, its mouth hanging open, breathing past shining teeth.

 

A long, wet crunch sounded across the battlefield. Unit-01's hands pressed down, into something hard that quickly became soft. Blood flowed. The Angel's insides met its outsides, mixing with the Eva's. Again and again and again and again Unit-01 struck, forcing its will, its violence onto another living being. It tore with its fingers, cut with its nails. When his enemy tried to fire, Shinji's teeth bit into it, tearing its face off. The taste was electric, hot, sweet. Like the time Asuka made him drink that weird foreign soda she loved. Like the time Ayanami's flesh fitted under his hands. Like the time his father had congratulated him. Like the time Misato walked out of her room naked. Like the time Ritsuko made him put his tongue inside her. It all tasted like victory. The way victory should taste.

 

Unit-01 crushed the final protective barrier in a splash of crimson. Its hands dug deep, peeling away layers of flesh and bone and tissue until the Koa cracked. The Evangelion was no longer purple, but a deep, thick shade of blood. It dripped off its armor in sticky globs, less like a liquid and more like a solid. It was not over. Unit-01 split the Angel open, cracking apart divine construction. All of the enemy was displayed before the world. Rotting in the hot filtered sun. Soon it was like striking the surface of a pool. Soon it was apparent any opposition was long gone. The fourteenth was dead.

 

Shinji was not done.

 

-----------

 

End of chapter 3

 

 

Author notes: next chapter is Arael. Don't expect things to get any happier.

 

Midnight Cereal, Lord Raa and WarpWizard praised me! (orgasms) Seriously, I love all my reviewers. I am still amazed that people like what I write, even more so that they like this. Thanks. I shall endeavor to please you. And Lone Haranguer, thanks for the idea. I actually can picture something just like that. Your “We're all fucking Shinji” line was terrific. But I doubt my take on Misato in this will ever be anything but pissed. One of the biggest things I regret about this fic is not properly explaining Ritsuko. I know what happened, but I haven't been able to tell you guys yet. Sorry. LH, you've also mentioned something a few others have brought up: was it really rape? I feel fairly certain that if this was say, Asuka, Rei, or another fourteen year old girl in Shinji's role, we would not be having this discussion. Granted, as you pointed out, Shinji did not say “no.” Then again, when has he ever said that? He pilots, he kills and is killed for the attention, but he hates it. Why would it be any different regarding his sexuality? To be honest, yes, I have kept this intentionally ambiguous. Part of me wanted to see how readers would interpret it. But in my mind there is no question. It is rape.

 

What did Ritsuko say to him in the hall? Why on earth did Shinji stay in NERV? I'll tell you next time. Promise. And for those who want to know… yes, there will be sex next chapter. Keep your pants on.

 

Sorry. This is getting less and less Asuka-centric. Damn. I can't help it. The first chapter was supposed to be a one-shot, and all of this is a necessary diversion. Still, I'm sorry to the Asuka fans out there. She'll be back next time. The last few chapters will be mostly her, as well.

 

A brief note on Misato's sudden mood swing. Again, part of it is due to my lax discipline, but mostly, she's fed up. She's fed up with the commander, with Eva, the Angels, NERV, and the situation in general. She's also, at least in part, blaming herself for everything bad that happens to Shinji. And now she can add murdering his best friend and lying to him about it to the list. So yeah, I think her progression from thinking about killing Ritsuko to actual threats and attempts isn't so OOC. Or maybe it is. Let me know.

 

It has been brought to my attention that this story was mentioned on the Tales of Apartment 402's forum.

 

…

 

Holy shit. They even set a link to it. It was under the “Recommended Fics” topic, which totally boggles my mind. My new favorite quote is from Anubis, regarding chapter one:

 

IT IS VERY DARK AND TWISTED. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

 

You ain't seen nothin' yet.