Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Witness ❯ Chapter 4 ( Chapter 4 )

Witness chapter 4

 

Adam Kadmon

 

Disclaimer: I do not own Eva. I am the end note bastard.

 

Warning: this is rated NC-17 for graphic sexuality, harsh language, and violence.

 

 

----------

 

Shinji was done.

 

It was later determined that sheer physical exhaustion was what finally stopped Unit-01. Not its severed power cord, not the utter annihilation of its foe, not the commands issued from Central Dogma. Shinji simply got too tired. Too tired to continue mutilating his foe. Too tired of making everyone else safe. Too tired to keep scaring the life out of everyone in NERV.

 

His synch rate had reached an astonishing 91%. Not berserker, no. A 91% ratio, with Shinji in control the entire time. The highest recorded in over a decade. The second highest ever achieved by an Ikari.

 

The Third Children's injuries were, to be gentle, horrific. At such a high synch, the sympathetic injuries a pilot sustained in battle were nearly identical to the Evangelion's. Burns over his face and chest, sections of his hair melted away. Five broken ribs, with a punctured lung as a complication. The steel rods in his left hand had to be replaced, but the ring finger would never fully recover. Four fingernails peeled away between both hands. Shattered knuckles, five total. Seven missing teeth. His left cheek had been chewed to a paper thin consistency from the inside, and the tip of his tongue was bitten in half. A slight twist in his small intestine, which included a bowel obstruction. He required two weeks of intense physical rehabilitation to regain even partial use of his legs. To say nothing of his bladder and bowels.

 

But NERV's advanced medical facilities only treated injuries of the body. Injuries of the mind, of the soul, were to be dealt with by any means you could find. On your own. NERV was home to a plethora of coping mechanisms. Alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, money laundering, yakuza, or the most fashionable method of forgetting in Tokyo-3, denial. A powerful tool Shinji was a seasoned professional with. An old hand.

 

A single month. It took Shinji a month, from his frenzied, terrified extraction from Unit-01, to the day he returned home to the Katsuragi apartment, to be deemed fit to leave the hospital's care. The doctors were glad to see him go. Word spread around the medical staff of what Shinji had done as quickly as the blood flowed from the Angel he slaughtered. He could not raise his anger at them though. Misato held enough blind fury for the both of them. His own carefully hid itself, hiding under heavy, impenetrable layers of guilt and shame and fear. In his first few moments of consciousness, before the surgeries but after the atrocity he committed, Ikari Shinji swore that he would never let himself feel hate ever again. He would die first.

 

It was a month of grueling operations, whole days lost to pain killers, weeks of wetting himself, helplessly lying in his own filth and excrement, endless hours of self-destructive analyzing and comparisons. A month of crushing loneliness and awkward stolen moments with his guardian. But not his roommate. Only Misato was granted access to his rank, stained room. Shinji couldn't decide if that was good or bad. If Asuka saw him in such a state… maybe her burgeoning opinion of him would transform back into her old animosity and bravado. If it already hadn't. Shinji was most afraid of facing her again.

 

His time with Misato was… strained. No one else came to visit him, even to leave flowers or a card. No banner with the words “Good job” or “Thank you” ever decorated his walls. He had thought he saw Rei once, but it was merely a dream. Misato… he was grateful to her… without her he would have gone mad, he was certain of it… but with her, he had achieved a state of near madness. Her touches, her words, her eyes… they were all scared of him. Terrified that being near him would somehow taint her, too. That his crime would extend guilt to all who dared associate with him. He was a killer. First by his all too human error with the Fourth Children. Then by intent with the last Angel. He was a killer and Misato knew it. Everyone knew it.

 

But Asuka… how could he look her in the eye ever again? How could she stomach being around him now that she knew how truly despicable he was? He couldn't return to the helpless, abused rape victim he had learned to fit into. He didn't know where he was now. With anyone, or anything. Ritsuko seemed so far away, lifetimes ago. He'd foolishly asked about her once and was reminded, full force, of Misato's hate for the woman. At least that wouldn't change.

 

Asuka… Asuka… did she know how sorry he was? How tortured his mind had become over the last endless month? He created countless variations on the theme of their reunion and each one petrified him. He knew she would turn away from him, casting him from her perch atop the clean and noble, down into the dregs of the human species where he belonged. Or worse, she would fear him too. She would pretend everything was fine, like Misato did, and continue to play his confidant, all the while terrified that if she didn't, he would tear her open too.

 

God. God save me. No one else will. Misato can't look at me for two connected seconds… everyone knows I'm a monster… Asuka will hate me too. I know she will. She will hate me and then I will be alone and then I will kill the next thing that I see in Unit-01. How will I live when she turns away from me…?

 

Shinji needn't have worried so much.

 

----------

 

Asuka regretted the lack of windows in Shinji's room. At times like this, when they sat on his small bed, it was beneficial to have somewhere else to look. Anywhere else. Not that the subjects of their frequent (and resumed) talks was embarrassing to her, she was an adult damn it, but they often descended into awkward areas. Like now.

 

“So,” she said slowly, “you want to know if I've ever been sexually active?”

 

This was one of the things she genuinely disliked about him, ever since he was released from the hospital. When they began talking again, something not immediately identifiable had changed. He was far less specific about events, speaking in generalities and vague emotions rather than the concrete recreations Asuka was used to. It was, surprisingly, even more uncomfortable than before. Granted, hearing him painstakingly relate how, for example, Ritsuko introduced him to the wonders of water sports was anything but pleasant, listening to how his spirit had been crushed by it was altogether worse. Hearing him speak before, hearing the purely physical events was almost like watching a movie sometimes. It was easier to detach herself from it. But when he started in about how he felt like he was drowning while everyone watched… it was hard not to understand.

 

He was also… not carefree, exactly, but less careful. Like he felt he had nothing left to lose. Instead of his old barely veiled fishing expeditions for sympathy, he now actively engaged her in conversation, sometimes even going so far as to try and link their experiences together. He was, in a way, still fishing, still desperate to connect himself with someone else. But it was done in a very calm, subdued manner. It unsettled her immensely, and she could not say why.

 

“Why do you want to know?” Asuka asked, trying to buy some more time. Remotely, she was almost proud at not immediately blowing up at him.

 

“I'm… not like that, just… I feel weird talking to Misato-san about this stuff. I think she'd probably go and… kill Ritsuko-san if I did. I mean, really kill her this time.”

 

Asuka decided that yet again chastising him for referring to that bitch as “san” or anything that didn't include the phrase “fucking whore” would only kill their current dialogue.

 

Actually, maybe that was a good idea.

 

“So you think Misato has been sexually active?” That produced one of his almost extinct chuckles. Granted, it was weird sounding and mechanical, and short, but it was still nice to know she could draw that from him. She sighed, feeling tired and old. Where had her fire gone? “You really want to know?”

 

“Well… I mean, I thought hearing someone my age would be… helpful. I can't tell Kensuke or Touji…”

 

Asuka cringed.

 

“And Ayanami would tell me something… I wouldn't be able to understand.”

 

“So you think the First is sexually active?”

 

“I think you're dodging the question.”

 

Touché, Shinji.

 

“I don't want you to feel… weird, or anything… you don't have to tell me if you don't want to.”

 

Game and match, Ikari Shinji. His little guilt trips always gave him what he wanted. Asuka wondered if he was aware at how manipulative he could be. His father really didn't raise him?

 

“I can't believe I'm telling you this… you're not even a girl. And don't you ever repeat any of this to anyone. Not even to me.”

 

Shinji nodded, trying not to look excited. Asuka took a deep, deep breath.

 

“I'm a virgin.”

 

Silence.

 

Somehow, Shinji thought, she would have said more. Not that he imagined her a slut or anything, but…

 

“That's all?” he asked.

 

“What the hell do you mean that's all!? That's huge! Don't you dare complain now, Third. You wanted to know and I told you. If you want to hear dirty stories you should talk to Misato.”

 

“That's not it. I just… well, nothing? Not even like… masturbating?”

 

God damn this boy. Getting raped had really broken his strangle hold on sexual discretion.

 

“What!? Like I'd ever tell you anything like that!”

 

“What? You just said you would!”

 

“You damn pervert! I can't believe you talked me into this. This whole conversation is completely stupid!”

 

“So… you've never masturbated? Ever?”

 

“God! Stop talking. Just. Stop. Talking. Not another word, Third. And no, I don't want to talk about what you do by yourself at night either. Save it for the tissue box, pervert.”

 

For a moment, just a moment she saw his eyes turn hard, angry. She shivered. Memories of his last battle rushed to greet her. The unrivaled hatred in his actions. Even she'd never, never acted like that. She wondered if she could. Asuka supposed having her guts splashed out in front of her might trip her off. Might.

 

“I haven't done that in weeks,” Shinji finally admitted. “Not since Ritsuko-san was arrested. I… I don't want to. Like I'd be cheating everyone who stood up for me.”

 

Asuka blinked. Then she was speaking before she could stop herself.

 

“Sexuality isn't… it isn't a crime, Shinji. You're a fourteen year old boy for God's sake. It's perfectly natural.”

 

“That's what she said,” he muttered darkly.

 

“Sorry,” Asuka said immediately. “I didn't mean to… sorry.”

 

“You're sounding like me now.” He snorted a laugh. His eyes were bright again. Well, brighter. “I think one Ikari Shinji is enough, don't you?”

 

“Definitely. I couldn't split my time wailing on two losers, now could I?”

 

He laughed. Despite his new voice, it now sounded soft, delicate. Feminine, almost.

 

“Besides,” Asuka said. “Misato would freak. It might turn her to drink.”

 

He kept laughing. But it was getting strained.

 

“Although… maybe two Angel ass kicking machines wouldn't be so bad. Less work for me.”

 

Asuka laughed at her joke, but she laughed alone. She swore to herself.

 

“Sorry, Shinji. I—”

 

“No, it's okay.” He sighed, and they were quiet for a time. “I mean, you… you're the only person who hasn't completely freaked out when I talk to them now. I guess… I mean I haven't watched the replays… I don't think I ever will… but I guess what I did was pretty awful, huh?”

 

She stared at him, taking in the scars, the wounds, the hurt. They'd be part of him forever. A sudden, savage part of her was happy.

 

You beat me again and you fucking deserve it.

 

“You beat the enemy, Shinji,” she told him. “That is all that matters.”

 

“No, it's not,” he corrected her, looking away. “It isn't all that matters. I… I killed someone because all I thought about was beating the enemy. I scared the entire staff the next time I did. Misato-san… she's so fidgety around me now. Even… even when she sleeps in my bed, she—”

 

Asuka hugged him. Partially to reassure him he was still human, partially to shut him up. The less she knew about him and their guardian sharing the same bed the better. She felt him sag into her arms. A moment later she felt his hands at her waist, a soft warmth settling over the rough denim of her shorts. She blinked, but kept her mouth shut.

 

“Thank you,” he breathed. “You've been so nice to me. So nice to me.” He remembered when he first returned home from the hospital. She had playfully batted him on the arm, telling him she was glad to see him again. Like nothing had happened. It made him cry. “You don't yell at me, or hit me, or make fun…”

 

“Not anymore at least.”

 

His soft laugh tickled her neck.

 

“Not anymore. I… you've really helped me. So much. I know it's a burden, but… thank you.” His fingers found the belt loops on her shorts. “I… I wish I could do something for you…”

 

“Forget it. Don't look my charity in the mouth. You're… you're my friend, Shinji.”

 

He sighed again, a shuddering, wet sigh.

 

“Thank you.”

 

He is my friend, she thought. Not like, my best friend, but a friend. I guess. For a boy, he's… kind of nice. I mean, he's no Kaji-san, but he'll be an okay guy someday. Maybe he'll find a nice girl, hopefully outside of NERV… and his own age. Certainly no blondes. Or blues. He deserves it. He's nice. I mean, look at him now; he's taking the time to stroke my thighs. How thoughtful of him to—

 

Asuka froze. Her eyes snapped open. What the fuck is he doing?

 

“What the fuck are you—”

 

“Let me do something nice for you, Asuka. Let me make you feel good. I know what to do.” His fingers slipped down to the beginnings of her legs, right to the fleshy joints. Right where she was starting to feel tingly.

 

She couldn't deny the rather… unique sensations he was producing, but this was way out of—

 

“Jesus!” she gasped as he ran up something he should not have. Why oh why did she choose to wear the baggy shorts today?

 

“Relax. This is just for you; don't worry.” He hadn't kissed her, keeping his mouth a respectable distance from her. Only his fingers seemed to have permission to touch her. Permission she hadn't given. She tried to push him away but she was trapped between his body and the wall next to his bed. She was trapped.

 

“Shinji, you'd better stop right now.”

 

No, keep going! her body said. She pictured little Asuka's in her mind, holding up tiny posters like a sports crowd, urging him on and pointing to the right spots. There! one section yelled, starting a wave. Shinji was at a career best this game. On his way to batting a thousand. Here comes the next pitch, but watch out, it's a curve ball…

 

She'd lied to him earlier. Like she was going to really tell him she masturbated. Hah. Yeah right, Third. Keep dreaming. And like she'd ever tell him it was all pointless. She was O and seven hundred, so to speak. No happy hour for Asuka.

 

“I want you to feel good. I know… how…”

 

God damn he wasn't lying. He did know what to do. This was better than those dreams about Kaji. Sure, it wasn't as romantic; no candles, no elegant dinner, no rose-covered king size bed. It was simply her and Ikari Shinji, sitting on his tiny bed, her hands clawing his back, his gently making her melt.

 

“Oh… oh, God damn.”

 

She bit her lip. She had never imagined this. Never. She never dreamed he had the guts to touch her, let alone finger fuck her. This was… this was so unlike him. This was wonderful, amazing, thrilling, beautiful. This was the best thing she had ever felt.

 

“Ah… ah…”

 

This was wrong. Very wrong, for very important reasons. First of all, he was emotionally shattered, seeking out any type of support he could latch onto. This was merely him trying to find acceptance. Second, this made her feel like Ritsuko. Third, and most importantly, he—

 

Oh. Oh my. Well, alright. If he's so damn insistent. I mean, don't want to hurt his feelings. It would be impolite if I didn't accept his offer. And I was raised to be polite. Can't go against that.

 

“Ma… ah, gah…” She inhaled. “Jesus…”

 

Since when was she such a devout Christian? She doubted the son of God would appreciate her finding him while her friend lightly pinched her clitoris.

 

“Shi… really… stop it…. this is… oh God.”

 

NO! No no no no no. Bad. Wrong. Evil. Dirty. Sinful. Immoral. Going straight to hell for this. No time in limbo, no reincarnation, no. Straight to hell. And damn it if he didn't stop teasing her and didn't just freaking do—

 

“Ah!!”

 

She tried to say more, to make some further kind of sound or noise to signify the unbelievable importance of what just happened. But she could not. Her mouth worked, but her throat clicked dry. She stared blankly at a corner of his ceiling.

 

God, she thought. He's inside me.

 

He slowly drew his digit out, then slid it back in, deeper this time, and Asuka whimpered. It continued like that, each successive push forcing her voice from her throat. Her pride became a very distant reality. It was all but lost when he began curling his hand up as he pulled out to massage her with his thumb.

 

Was he psychic? He must be. How else could he know how good that felt? He was taking his time, making sure she was wet enough. He only inserted himself up to the first joint on his finger. Damn he did know what to do to her. Where had he learned all this shit?

 

She knew where he learned this shit.

 

“D… don't—” Her words caught in her throat, sticky, wet. She tried to refocus and say his name again. “Shhh… eee, God…”

 

I can't say his name.

 

God damn why couldn't she speak? Maybe it was due to her body jerking back and forth (when had that started?), or her lungs refusing to inflate properly, or her mind flying from thought to thought, or the fact that he just wedged a second digit inside her, or—

 

“Ah… ah… ahhhh…”

 

Each successive moan pitched higher, until she was nearly gasping. Her hands had pulled his shirt up to his neck, trying to grab hold of something, anything. Her feet were kicking out, messing up his meticulously pressed bed spread. She was jerking forward with every breath, her body crashing into his. She clamped her mouth shut, whimpering through her teeth. She jammed her eyes shut so hard they hurt. She felt like she was losing all control over her body. Her heart thudded hollowly in her chest, blood running hot, then cold, then hot.

 

God, she thought. This was the peak. She was going to explode. This was what all those sluts in college talked about all the time. This was why people bothered getting into messy and tedious relationships. This was the end all and be all of the human body. This was what she had waited for her entire life. God… good, good, God… she could not stop it… something was coming… riding the tips of Ikari Shinji's fingers…

 

Sneak attack. Invader. Electric rush up her spine and down her arms and legs, speeding back into a wet mess below her stomach. It was—

 

Lava. Hot. Boiling. It was—

 

Failure of words. In any language.

 

Can't… can't…

 

“I can't.”

 

“You can. Let go.”

 

A blossoming of light.

 

And then Asuka felt her first orgasm.

 

She didn't remember screaming, but she did. She didn't remember hitting him, but she did. It was all lost in an explosion of sound and color and feeling. Like someone had lit a roaring fire under every nerve ending in her body, ripples and waves spreading from their connected flesh. It was liquid, and hot, and crushing, and hard.

 

“Oh my God.”

 

Her feet, slick with sweat, slipped off his bed. Her muscles failed her and she fell backwards, shaking. She laughed a little, she cried a little. She was in awe that anything could feel so good. That she could feel so good.

 

Shinji had to blink afterwards, trying to clear the ringing in his ears. And people said he had a set of lungs. Gracious. He looked at her. She was panting on her back, like she just finished a 10K marathon. Her clothes were soaked with sweat, and… other types of sweat. He smiled fondly at her. He supposed that must have been her first. He rose.

 

Asuka, in a delirious haze, slowly recognized the ceiling of Shinji's room. Her body felt leaden, impossibly tired. And her breathing. Damn it, she didn't want to be panting like an animal. Ah, geez. What was the license plate of the truck that had just dropped out of her uterus? Man. God freaking damn. Asuka obtained, in that instant, a full appreciation of everything adults ever told her.

 

That was... that was… God, now I know why Ritsuko did what she—

 

Her eyes snapped open.

 

Shinji came back carrying a small towel. He smiled lightly. He went to work delicately drying her thighs, making sure not to rub over her twitching sex.

 

“That was a lot, Asuka. I'll have to change my sheets tonight.” He looked up at her with a small, satisfied smile. It faltered when she punched him as hard as she could, burying her knuckles in his eye. “Wh… what?”

 

Her eyes were glowing with rage. Shaking with it. She got up on trembling legs and stood over him on the floor.

 

“How could you? How could you? I trust you like no one else, I let you talk to me, and you… you asshole!”

 

Her fists fell on him again. Though lacking her usual strength, they hurt worse than any injury Shinji had ever suffered before. He took them all, not defending himself, trying to figure out what went wrong. What had ruined his present for her?

 

“God damn you, Third! You fucking pervert! How could you… violate me like that?” Her face was convulsing, furious. “You raped me!”

 

She hit him until she couldn't breath right, and then kicked him until her foot came back bloody. Shinji fell on his side, stunned as she left him on the floor. Horrified. He listened to her tear through the apartment like she was lost, then finally leaving with a final brutal howl at him, expressing her ardent desire for where she hoped his soul would ultimately reside after he died. The door slid shut behind her storm, and Shinji, in the silence, wept.

 

He was thankful for the lack of windows in his room. No one could see what he had just done to the only friend he had in the entire world.

 

----------

 

Kaji didn't bother to knock on major Katsuragi's office door before he entered. His plans, including giving her some greasy fast food and maybe the truth, all dissolved when he found his former lover and her charge in an awkward hug. She had one hand on his battered face, her other seemed to be somewhere below his chest. Her smoldering eyes had captured his, and she was talking very softly. Their noses were almost touching.

 

“Katsuragi? Shinji-kun?”

 

They flew from each other. She crashed into the side of her desk, and he met the wall. Kaji blinked.

 

“I really hope I'm not interrupting something.”

 

“Don't be weird,” Misato hissed. “Shinji… he just had a fight with Asuka. She moved out.”

 

“What?”

 

“It's true,” Shinji said, avoiding eye contact. “She's probably at Hikari's.”

 

“Over what?” Kaji asked. Demanded was more like it. Those two had just become so close. What on earth would drive them apart?

 

“I… I hurt her.”

 

“How?”

 

“Leave him alone, Kaji.” Misato moved next to her charge. “He doesn't want to talk about it.”

 

Suddenly the spy's mind was overrun by Unit-01 ripping apart the last Angel. Bathing in its blood. Literally bathing. He gulped. Hopefully Asuka was still in one piece. A little death for a little girl, he thought.

 

“And what the hell do you want, anyway?” the major snapped. “Make it fast.”

 

“I…” He lifted the bag of food. “Hungry?” He saw Shinji wipe his eyes with his left hand. Kaji almost lost it.

 

“No. I'm taking Shinji home, alright? I'm sick and tired of everyone around here looking at him like a leper.”

 

The spy looked at him. He wasn't a leper. Just a kid with one eye partially swollen shut, blood caked around his nose and mouth and ears and holy shit there was blood on his neck and pants—

 

“He isn't a leper,” Kaji lied smoothly. “Stop being so melodramatic. We all appreciate what he—”

 

Wow. That was a face he didn't know she could make. Must be a new prelude to her infamous “I'm going to rip your testicles from your body by way of punching you in the mouth” mood. This one looked scarier.

 

“Yeah. I'm so sorry we missed the surprise party last week in his honor, and the big `Glad to see you out of the hospital' bash. I heard they were really bitching.” Her hands found Shinji's shoulders. His eyes found the floor.

 

Kaji heaved a theatrical sigh.

 

“Katsuragi, come on. Did you forget everyone's been busy? We've had to repair the Evas, restore the Geofront, rebuild the city, clean up the mess—” Fuck. That was something he definitely should not have said.

 

“So fucking sorry it's such a hassle for all of you. It was a real high time in Shinji's hospital room, you know. Did you know he had to relearn how to walk? That his legs were nothing but slabs of meat? He couldn't even walk to the fucking bathroom three feet by his bed. Even now the doctors can't say if his ability to procreate—”

 

“Misato-san.” Silence fell like a slap. “Can we just… go home, please? I'm… I'm really tired.”

 

Her face collapsed from angry, indignant, to contrite, repentant. Just like that.

 

“Shinji…” Even her voice was practicing apologies to the boy. “I'm so sorry. I just get so damn tired of all the asses who—”

 

His bruised hand on hers made her stop. Let her stop.

 

“Let's… just go home.”

 

Kaji did not hinder their trip. He watched the two walk down the hall, back to their home together, and saw she was hanging off him. Her arms were draped over his tiny, battered body. His own dragged listlessly by his sides. He walked with a hobble, his legs still recovering. Kaji dropped the bag of fast food in the garbage, and for the first time in his life asked God to help mankind.

 

----------

 

It was raining. It was raining like the day he had ran away. It was raining like that time Misato finally got him to sip a beer.

 

Wait, that was today. Or yesterday. One or the other. Perhaps it was still the same day. Perhaps it had led them here, in his bed. She wasn't drunk, and neither was he. Shinji told himself that as he felt her hand on his chest, and her body snuggled against his back.

 

“What'cha thinking about?” she asked lightly.

 

Asuka.

 

“Nothing.”

 

The past few weeks had been odd. Asuka hadn't returned once, and at NERV she avoided him like he had grown blue hair and red eyes. Synch tests were conducted in silence, scores were given in silence, Shinji's pleas to her were met with silence. It was as if he had ceased to exist in her eyes. Misato's angry shouts at the redhead didn't help either. Somehow, miraculously, he had been able to avoid telling her what happened between them. Shinji didn't think Misato knowing he gave her an orgasm on the bed they were currently sharing would fly with the woman. It just seemed like a bad idea.

 

She shifted behind him, making half of her face rest on his head. He could feel her smile in his hair.

 

“I'm feeling lazy today,” she murmured. “Want to just spend all day in here?”

 

“Sure,” he murmured back.

 

His bed, well, their bed, was by no means large enough to support both of them, but neither one seemed to care. They just had to sleep close. But being this close to another older woman… even one who said what Misato said… Shinji couldn't help but compare.

 

Stop it, he scolded himself. Don't think that way. Misato-san would hit me if I told her that. Hit me and then go murder Ritsuko-san.

 

“You feel worried,” she told him.

 

How she could feel that he did not know.

 

“No, not really. Just… I don't know… tired.” He sensed her smile widen. “Just… are you okay? Kaji-san yelled at you a lot the other day.” Shinji had lost track of the days.

 

“Forget him.” Misato frowned. “Shinji…” Somewhere along the way she had stopped calling him kun. “Shinji, don't let what Kaji said bother you, okay? Nobody cares what he says anyway.” She tittered. “I think he's just jealous.” She hummed as she hugged him.

 

It's still shaky, he thought with a sad sigh. Even after all this time.

 

They'd met Kaji in NERV the other day, hiding behind a corner as Fuyutsuki walked towards him. Misato had wondered aloud if the two men were playing a game. The spy was quite livid with both of them for some reason. It wasn't his fault Misato insisted he stick with her no matter where she went nowadays, right? The scruffy man had shot back at them, but it lacked his usual good humor.

 

“And what games do you two play?”

 

Shinji felt Misato's answer of punching him in the gut was a tad harsh, but he knew better than to say so. Misato could be a little scary sometimes. Like when he had casually opined her own futon must be getting lonely. He got to keep it company that night with his guardian, but not until she nearly killed him with a half-full beer can to the head. Misato seemed to enjoy that night particularly, and had even suggested he shampoo with Yebisu from now on. He hadn't been entirely sure if she was joking or not. He still wasn't.

 

“I… I talked to Rei the other day,” Misato said, uncomfortable with his silence. “She asked how you were doing.”

 

“Really?” Shinji couldn't hide his shock.

 

“Y-yeah.” She bit her lip. “Why? You got a little thing for her?”

 

He heard her joking tone, but felt her deadly seriousness.

 

“N-no, not really. I just, I don't know. I'm surprised, that's all. Heh. I'm sure she was just… worried about my piloting rate or something.”

 

“Yeah, I guess.” She sighed. “You are making progress again with that. Piloting, I mean. So that's good.”

 

“Yeah…”

 

The subject of his last performance had yet to be broached. Shinji didn't want to see her eyes filled with fear and disgust again. He didn't want to be reminded of how scared and cautious her movements were. He just didn't want to think. About anything.

 

“You… you know I meant what I said that day, Shinji.” Misato's breath was soft, hot. “I meant it.”

 

Her words. They were the only reason he had stayed in this damn city, in NERV. Her soft, whispered words she told him as he was in the throes of complete anguish, feeling the weight of murdering the Fourth Children. A weight that still hung on his heart.

 

“I still love you, Shinji. No matter what I will always love you.”

 

Then the phone rang.

 

----------

 

“Unit-01 will take point. Unit-02 will cover it. Unit-00 will keep back, ready to snipe.”

 

“Sir,” Misato began, “maybe we should have Asuka take point. Shinji's still recovering from the last—”

 

“You have my commands, major.”

 

The orders issued, Gendo replaced his hands before his face, waiting for the battle to commence. The techs launched the Evas, sending them into the sheet of rain. Far above, in orbit, the fifteenth Angel saw.

 

Fuyutsuki leaned down by Gendo's ear.

 

“I know the last few battles did not go according to plan, but continually sending him out to take the brunt of the attack will not ensure anything.”

 

“Unit-01 will possess an S2 organ by the end,” the commander promised.

 

“Asshole,” Misato whispered, far out of Gendo's earshot. She turned to the main screen, just as Unit-01 lumbered into position on the deserted street. It sagged slightly, and had trouble lifting its feet. “What's his synch rate?”

 

“68%” Maya answered. “He's higher than Rei again, but…”

 

“Asuka should be first in line.” The little bitch.

 

Ritsuko, missing a few teeth and still sporting a scar on her lower lip kept silent, decided the major was acting a touch odd. Not odd, as in I'm molesting a fourteen year old, no, that was an odd she knew. It was like the major was watching her best friend die slowly. Her best friend or her husband.

 

“Shinji,” Misato said. “You ready?”

 

----------

 

“Yeah,” he said, squinting up at the Angel.

 

“Good. Stand by for instructions.”

 

“Um… no offense, major,” Hyuuga said from his chair. “But, uh, you look awful. Did you just wake up?”

 

“None of your damn business.”

 

Shinji glanced at his guardian's image in the vid screen. He snorted. She did look like she just woke up. Very observant, Hyuuga-san. He was glad no one had remarked on his own appearance. Or maybe they were simply used to him looking like complete shit.

 

“Shinji-kun,” Maya said. “I know you basically got a crash-course in the positron rifle's operation, but it works just like any other rifle. You won't have to wait to reload like the cannon, but you'll still use the recticle like that time with Rei, okay?”

 

“Uh… sure, thanks.” He pondered why she had bothered to speak to him. Maybe she was worried he might forgo weapons and just jump a few miles up into space and rip this Angel apart, too.

 

“Um… also… are you okay? You look like you just woke up or something.”

 

“No, I just…” He felt his bed partner's digital eyes on him. “I just don't think I'll ever get used to Misato-san's driving.” He gave her a weak smile.

 

“Oh.” She was taken off guard by his attempt at humor. “Oh, well, uh, right. Sorry to bother you.” Maya glanced behind her, and sank low in her seat.

 

“Sorry if I'm a little rough, Shinji. But you shouldn't doubt me. I have years of experience at the wheel. You should be thankful.”

 

She was using her bedroom voice, he noticed. He hoped no one else would.

 

No one seemed to. Not in the few awkward moments after her joke, not in the ensuing fifteen minutes. Finally the Third Children sighed.

 

“Why is it just… staying up there?” Shinji asked. The tac net answered.

 

“We don't know, Shinji,” Misato's crackly voice told him. “Just hold on and wait while we think something up.”

 

“Can't Ayanami's gun reach it?”

 

“Affirmative,” the First Children replied. “But our orders are to wait.”

 

“Oh.” Shinji sighed, leaning back in the plug. He briefly tensed his right arm, feeling the weight of the positron rifle dragging it down. He was about to bring down the targeting recticle, just to be ready, but his hand opened a private channel to Unit-02 instead. “Asuka… Asuka, I—”

 

“Unit-02 is covering Unit-01, as ordered,” she said, her face a mask. Her image in Unit-01's cockpit blinked out.

 

Shinji bowed his head in shame. He did not raise it until he heard Misato scream at him from Dogma.

 

At first, the light was pleasant, a warm shield from the rain. Then it started to get irritating. Like an itch you can't reach, or have trouble locating precisely. Then the light hurt. Not a physical pain, so to speak, but as if the Angel had reached into his skull and began slicing off pieces of his subconscious, very slowly, with a dull knife.

 

The first thing that was cut off and shown to him was Asuka's look of complete surprise when he first touched her legs. He didn't question the fact that his mind was getting invaded. The detached surrealism of it all seemed like the most logical thing in the world. Perfectly natural. After all, he'd just murdered an innocent young man, torn apart an Angel which resulted in everyone pissing themselves when he was near them, and disgraced his only friend. He deserved it. All of it.

 

The additional fact that he was no longer in the plug didn't really bother him either. He was in his room, watching him pleasure the redhead, her face a mixture of absolute delight and terror. He watched for awhile, feeling something else watch with him. Then she came. A flailing, screaming affair, her spasming feet hitting his sides a few times. He remembered not caring.

 

She collapsed, panting, and he rose to get a towel from the bathroom. He watched as he threw it into the air and caught it with a grin. Cocky, arrogant. Happy. Then he was wiping her off, gently, and she punched him in the head. He fell back, and she stood on his bed, shaking. From exhaustion, from anger, he did not know.

 

“How could you? How could you? I trust you like no one else, I let you talk to me, and you… you asshole!”

 

The past Asuka hit him. As hard as she could muster given her recent ordeal. Then her hands got tired and her feet got a turn. Shinji watched his other self take the blows. His mouth worked.

 

“Asuka… I'm so sorry… please, please forgive me. I… I just wanted to thank you for being so nice to me.”

 

A few tears slipped down his face. Ah, now the tears were coming.

 

“I… God, I didn't know what else to do! You were helping me so much… you were the only one who listened to me! I… it was the only thing I knew how to do for you! Ritsuko-san told me it was a good thing to do for someone! That people would appreciate it! She always did!”

 

“God damn you, Third! You fucking pervert! How could you… violate me like that!? You raped me!”

 

Shinji did what he did when she first told him that. He wept.

 

The scene bled away and shifted. Thank God, he thought. He took it back when he saw what was next.

 

Unit-01 was tearing through the fourteenth. He saw the smile on the Eva's mouth, and saw himself smiling as well. He could see both inside and outside the plug at the same time. He watched the madness in his eyes, the gnashing of his teeth, and the clawing of his hands. All of which were mirrored precisely in Unit-01. All the wounds, all the severed limbs and organs, all the mutilation, the pain… he had inflicted all of it.

 

In his mind, Shinji vomited.

 

The terrified faces of the bridge crew rushed to him, even poor Maya holding her hands over her mouth. He saw Misato shaking, revolted. He saw Ritsuko clutching her stomach. He saw his father grinning.

 

He saw Rei, her eyes wide. He saw Asuka, shuddering.

 

“He's a monster,” she whispered. She was in Hikari's room with the lights turned off, hugging herself.

 

“Don't make me see this!!”

 

Unit-03 let its hands fall from him, and fell to its knees. The entry plug was gripped high in the air, triumphant, grey webbing wafting in the breeze. Then it fell. The sound of its impact echoed, each reverberation getting louder and louder and louder and louder and

 

“Don't make me look!!”

 

He looked. He had no choice. The shattered plug of the Fourth Children rushed to his eyes. Touji's severed head stared at him, then tipped down, spilling what was left of his brain onto his lap.

 

Shinji covered his eyes, but he could still see.

 

“It's not true. It's not true! It can't be! Misato-san said he moved away! I didn't kill Touji!!!”

 

“So, is this him? The famous Third Children?”

 

Ritsuko stood before him. In a flash that lasted days, he witnessed each and every encounter the two of them had, from the first time he saw her in the elevator with Misato, to last month after the synch test when she had told him she was sleeping with his father. Suddenly every orgasm he gave her sounded, a symphony.

 

“Ikari!”

 

“Because I have a use for you.”

 

His father smiled down on him from a balcony high above Unit-01. Rei was in his arms. Her blood was on his hands. His hands were slick with her blood.

 

“No more… please… please… don't make me see anymore… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry… stop it… stop it, please…”

 

His hands were slick with his semen. The first time he had ever seen it. A wave of disgust and hate filled him. He was less than human. A beast. A monster.

 

“God… please, God, please…”

 

“I want him to see how bright our future is.”

 

His head whipped up. That voice. He knew that voice. The one from so long ago that had told him he was loved.

 

“Mother!!”

 

Why was she in an Evangelion!? Where the hell was this? Why was he smiling?

 

Smiling! He was smiling God damn him he was smiling!!

 

“Mother! Mother!”

 

Alarms sounded. Warnings blared. People screamed. His father was on his feet. Shinji's childhood counterpart was still smiling. He waved through the glass to his mother. Inside the test plug Ikari Yui was writhing in pain, her mouth open in a silent scream. The LCL around her was bubbling, boiling. A shadow seemed to rise from nowhere and everywhere to embrace her, dark arms twisting around and collapsing into an oppressive veil, swallowing her whole.

 

“Shinji,” was her last word.

 

And then the light vanished, ripped away. It spiraled for a moment, distorting the image of his mother, twisting her into an obscene and grotesque blur. Everything vanished, even the clouds in the sky. Shinji thought he saw a single star of light, far away, shine brightly for a second, then twirl into nothing.

 

----------

 

He sat on the street. Yellow tape restricted him from the rest of the world. Above him the rain clouds were gone, replaced with a gorgeous blue. Deep and endless and infinite. A perfect, beautiful blue.

 

“Shinji?” Asuka stepped to the tape, her toes breaching the quarantine. “Shinji, get up. I know you're okay.”

 

She knew he wasn't okay. The things he had screamed under that light… it had made her shiver. Made her recall very bad things. Things she was glad to have forgotten. It probably made him recall very bad things, too.

 

Asuka glanced over her shoulder. The First was a few yards behind her, her crimson eyes locked on Shinji's small form. She did not look sad, or proud, or alive.

 

God damn bitch. Just like a doll.

 

The redhead bit off that line of thought. She turned back to Shinji. Her… friend. The boy who had been raped. The boy who had saved and killed his best friend. The boy who had nearly eaten his last enemy. The boy who had violated her.

 

“Shinji… stop screwing around. You… you're better than this. You didn't go through all your shit just to let some reject from Heaven kick you down.” She bit her lip. “Where's the kid who fought every Angel without failing? Where's the kid who can kick ass no matter what the situation? Where's the kid who fights like a demon without any training?”

 

She swallowed a lot of pride, and prepared to lessen the both of them.

 

“Where's the pilot who keeps beating me?”

 

“God, Asuka!”

 

She jumped back.

 

“… God… I…” He stopped on a choking sob. “I am not better than you.”

 

The utter contempt he said it with, not for her, but for himself, made her cringe.

 

“I never said that. I just mean that you're—”

 

“I am nothing! Do you hear me!? Absolutely nothing!!” He drew in a ragged breath, a physically revolting sound. “I hate myself!!”

 

Asuka swallowed.

 

“Don't be stupid. You… you're… God damn it.” Time to lie again. “Shinji, I'm… sorry for what I said to you. I'm sorry I hit you. I'm sorry I moved out and haven't spoken to you, okay? I'm sorry.” Her voice hiccupped. She was not going to cry, damn it. “I'm sorry, alright? I'll move back in. I'll talk with you again. I'll even… God, I'll even let you touch me again if you want. Now get over here and say you're okay, damn it. Stand up and say everything's okay.” Asuka felt tears collect behind her eyes. “Get up! Get up now! Don't fucking act like the end of the world!” She jammed her eyes shut. “Get up!”

 

Shinji stayed on the ground, his head buried in his arms. Only his middle and ring fingers on his left hand stood.

 

“Fucking get up!!”

 

Then Misato was pushing her to the side, her face twisted in hate and frustration.

 

“Don't you fucking talk to him. Not now, not ever.”

 

“Shut up, Misato!” She savagely pushed her tears down. “Shut up! You don't know anything about him. Or has bedding him turned him into a chatter box?”

 

The slap, as was Misato's intent, shut her up.

 

“I am not bedding him. I'm there for him because no one else is. Not you, not his own fucking father, not Rei, no one. You all abandoned him. Not me. I would never.” She grabbed the teen by her arm. “I'm the only one that loves him!”

 

For the second time in her life Asuka was stunned silent.

 

“What…?” she finally managed. “You—”

 

“I love him! I love him because no one else will! No one!”

 

Rei glanced at the two women, then returned to Shinji.

 

All the Third Children could do, listening to his friend and guardian fight, the images the Angel made him see filling his mind, Unit-01 being lowered back into NERV… all he could do… was cry.

 

-----------

 

End of chapter 4

 

 

Author notes: Witness! Come for the sexual deviancy, stay for the bowel-wrenching violence!

 

Thank you, Feyrbrand. Thank you for pointing out the massive OOC. Yeah, Asuka was way out there last time. Mostly, it was to make this chapter all the more painful. I needed, for convenience's sake, a quick way for them to connect before the shit hit the fan. I honestly thought it was funny for her to say all that crap and never attach herself to it. I'll explain her a bit more next time. And as for her “affection” for Shinji… heh. They're fourteen, confused, insecure, horrendously abused… do people really think this is ever going to be some kind of romance story? But with Kaji, I just couldn't help myself. I had to jump on any possible Kaji/Misato fight. But was he sincere? Naw, he's a liar. And you'll notice, as you said earlier, yeah… a whole lot of hypocrisy. A lot in this chapter, too. At least, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. Emotional honesty was never this cast's strong point anyway.

 

Error checks from WarpWizard on chapter 3. I still can't believe I confused “sheer” for “shear.” That bothered me for days. But see? I used it right this time. Still, thanks for pointing it out. As for Koa, that's my bad again. Core in Japanese can be written, literally, as koa, yet pronounced as something like kakushin. That was just me being overly pretentious again. Bad Adam. Honorifics are enough.

 

So. Shinji and Asuka this chapter. Yeah. Um, I know that's complete… bullshit, but hear me out. Actually, I don't have anything to say. Hate it? Great. Love it? That's fine too. Am I expecting flames? Definitely. I personally feel I went overboard on the whole orgasm scene. Describing it, especially from Asuka's point of view, was difficult. And speaking of under aged sex…

 

Are Misato and Shinji really knockin' boots? Again, I don't have anything to say.

 

I realize Shinji is a wee bit ambivalent towards Misato's declared love for him, but come on. He just killed someone. And he was freaking abused for months. Plus she probably threatens Ritsu on an hourly basis. Also, in every fic I've read where someone confesses their love to Shinji, he is instantly putty in their hands and becomes super happy. I'm not knocking those scenes, in fact I love reading them, but my story is first and foremost a darkfic damn it, and I mean to keep it that way.

 

I also realize that Shinji got over his injuries way too easily. I didn't want to dwell on them too much. This was always about the wounds done to his soul. All the physical damage is just collateral. And oh boy, will there be collateral next chapter. And yeah, I think more than a month would be required for his injuries to heal. But NERV is all sciency and stuff.

 

Arael's mind rape. I think, from a purely dramatic standing, it worked out okay. Plausibility wise, I'm not so sure. When Asuka was attacked, she tried to resist, and communicated with Misato once or twice. Then again, I've always felt Asuka was stronger than Shinji, so maybe this isn't so unbelievable. Or not. Whatever.

 

The screaming fanboy in me can't resist some shout outs. Sideris, the hardest working darkfic writer these days reviewed me and said I was doing a good job. Hot damn. If you're not familiar with his work, what is wrong with you? Lord Raa, I'm interested to see your take on this idea. And finally… LH, an erection does not imply consent. Trust me. Especially on a fourteen year old. And while I appreciate your point… I don't know. There are simply so many ways to force someone to do something… but thanks for keeping me on my toes. Lord knows someone needs to question me.

 

Last note, I swear. Chapter five will be awhile. I have to redo the battle scene with Armisael, and completely rewrite chapter six. Ugh. Ironically, the finale, chapter seven, is finished, waiting impatiently on my hard drive. I'm pretty sure you can guess how this will end, but… well I hope there will be a few things that will surprise you along the way.