Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Witness ❯ Chapter 5 ( Chapter 5 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Witness chapter 5

Adam Kadmon

Disclaimer: I don't own Eva.

Warning: rated NC-17… sex, violence, language, blah blah blah…

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“Hello. My name is Nagisa Kaworu, the Fifth Children. I am pleased to meet you.”

He smiled to each person that had come out to greet him today. He smiled to Asuka, to Rei, and to Maya, who had led him into NERV. If he felt any disappointment at the paltry showing, he hid it well.

“Welcome to NERV, Nagisa-kun,” Maya said with a warm smile. She was surprised at not being surprised by his appearance. She supposed she was used to the Children being a bit odd by now. “I, ah, hope we can all be good friends.” Well, that was pathetic.

Kaworu made a show of peering at each pilot, both of whom seemed to be very far away at the moment.

“Forgive my ignorance, but is there not another pilot among you? Ikari Shinji, the Third Children?” He shut his eyes as he smiled. “I would like to meet him, too.”

Asuka cut Maya off at her first syllable.

“Who wants to know, kid?”

“I had heard he was injured during the last battle, but I hoped—”

“Watch it, Fifth.” Asuka appraised him. “You're new around here, so I'll excuse a little ignorance. This time. Shinji's off limits.” Even Rei glanced at her when that slipped out. “Right now. He's off limits right now. Only doctors and stuff can see him.” And Misato. Who's probably fucking sleeping with him in his God damn hospital bed and—

“Are you okay, Asuka?” Maya asked, cringing. “You're… making a really scary face.”

“Well sorry. Not all my faces are gorgeous.” Did she really just say that?

“I find that hard to believe.” Did he really just say that?

“… tell you what,” the redhead told him, keeping her face carefully neutral. “If I ever get the urge to hook up with a pale, gangly bishi, I'll give you a call. Until then I'm sure you could find some tail at a shoujo convention. But only if girls are your thing.”

God! Is there anything he won't smile at?

“Please forgive my rudeness,” Kaworu said, affable as ever. He paused to lessen his grin, perhaps his own perverse way of expressing grief. “And I hope that the Third recovers soon.”

“Yeah,” Asuka said absently, her interest with the boy already depleted. If he wasn't going to bite there was no point in baiting the line.

The crowd fell into an uncomfortable silence. Rei stared blankly ahead, Maya bit her lip, Kaworu smiled. Finally, Asuka shook her head and peered at the new pilot, the silence and the boy's bizarre appearance allowing her curiosity to overpower her desire to leave.

“You… you wouldn't happen to be related to the First here, would you?” Like a freaky wondergirl clone. Only male. Well, sort of.

“We are all related in some way, pilot Soryu,” Kaworu said, still smiling his knowing smile.

“Uh… huh.” She dismissed him with a roll of her eyes. “If the intro's over, I'll be heading home.”

Home, meaning Hikari's house. Misato had officially kicked her out of the apartment as soon as Shinji was in her custody again. Guess she was still pissed over, well, everything. Misato had a remarkable ability to turn the blame on everyone except herself. As if hoarding his time could turn back the clock on all that happened.

As if saying she loved him would magically heal the boy's wounds.

That was what most troubled her. Asuka was smart enough to know love wasn't something people threw around nowadays. A lot of it was the residual fear that those who lived through the Second Impact felt regarding loss and death. If an entire half of the global population could be taken away in a heartbeat, what was to stop fate from snatching a single loved one from your grasp? Love was a rarity these days. It was increasingly secretive and stealthy, no more a commodity to throw around lightly, no more the subject of jokes or temporary passions. If nothing else it had become a necessary first step to facilitate the innate desire to rebuild the species.

Platonic love had died in the Impact, along with hope, compassion and optimism. Asuka knew that when someone said love in this new age it was with the unspoken understanding that romance and fluids were involved. More than friendly hugs were being exchanged in the Katsuragi household. Asuka was sure of it.

And she was sure it sickened her. This wasn't Shinji's decision to sever ties with the real world and barricade himself behind Misato's coattails. He was bound by manipulation and exploitation and whatever else that woman could throw at him.

The guiltiest part of Asuka's mind was glad she was out of that apartment. She couldn't stomach seeing the end results of the storm Shinji had weathered. In her mind he still sat on the empty rain-slick street, his head buried in his arms, refusing to accept her apology, refusing to accept her. He wouldn't look at her? Fine. She wouldn't either.

“Have a safe trip, pilot Soryu.”

Time to head to her new home. And away from this creepy new guy. His weird way of talking, his awful eyes and skin, that fake little smile he was constantly wearing.

Freak job.

But as she turned and saw the gate that would lead her from the small conference room back to NERV's interior, back to the world of Angels and war and hate and crying boys with blue eyes, Asuka paused, and abruptly spun back to the others.

“So, what?” she asked Maya, her voice mixing curiosity and indignation. “Have you officially given up on him?”

The tech had the good courtesy to blush in shame. She spoke the first thought that sprang to her mind.

“Of course not!” She sighed through her nose, regaining her composure. “Of course not. We would never do that. Shinji-kun is still… I mean he's still a Children.”

“Then why the hell is number five here?”

Kaworu continued to smile serenely.

“The… the Marduk Institute found him several months ago,” lieutenant Ibuki told her, carefully falling into the seductive familiarity of a lie. “But, well, with everything that happened… they thought it best to hold off for a little…”

Her explanation made no sense, and everyone in the room knew it.

“It's just that so much has happened and… well, everything's been slowed down because of it. It's just… bad timing, Asuka.”

“I never knew we were such big fucking liabilities,” the Second Children spat.

Maya turned away.

“We don't think of you like that… but you are important and we have to treat you accordingly. There's a lot of work that goes on behind the scenes, you know. Everything we do is carefully planned and we have been shorthanded so—”

“Save it. If I want more hollow excuses I'll talk to Misato.”

Maya winced.

But it was true. Things had been slowed down since… since everything happened. The bulk of Dr. Akagi's duties fell on her shoulders, as well as the responsibility of keeping the grunts misinformed and working towards the project that was devouring all her free time. She had heard about the Dummy system several months ago when Ritsuko was still a free woman, during the first cross-synchronization tests between Rei and Shinji. She didn't know all the details then, and she still didn't. But she couldn't shake the feeling of dread the whole thing gave her. At first, it was merely the overt deception taking place, about how all the extra tests were administered with no real explanation. The Children went along with it, for wildly different reasons, but Maya felt they should know. It was their lives on the line, more than anyone else.

In time the discomfort she felt adopted a very separate cause. When Unit-01 destroyed the twelfth in a shower of blood and gore, that unease which made her question her former teacher was clarified. It made her recall Shinji's first battle, as well. If that was how an Evangelion fought freed of human control…

And as abruptly as her fear was cemented, it crumbled. When it became clear that Shinji's brutality against the fourteenth was his doing, and his doing alone, Maya began to feel the idea of an autopilot wasn't so crazy after all. If this was what it took to protect themselves then so be it. After all, that was what mattered, right?

“Just… trust us, okay, Asuka?”

The redhead expressed all of it the only way she could, given the situation and her position.

“Whatever.”

She turned and she left and the room was silent.

“May I leave as well?” Rei asked, carefully not returning the gaze of the Fifth.

“Oh, ah, right. Thanks for coming out today, Rei.”

A faint nod and a quick turn were the albino's response. The automatic door shut behind her and Kaworu redirected his attention on the young woman beside him.

“I must admit I am surprised by the other Children. I am glad I was finally able to meet them in person. What an interesting place NERV is.”

“I guess I'm glad you think so.”

The boy laughed softly.

“You don't agree with me?”

“I used to think so,” she muttered.

“Pardon?”

“N-nothing,” Maya said, stepping towards the door. “I have to, uh, get back to my post, alright? Oh, Nagisa-kun, you have your first synch test in two days. You should use the time to familiarize yourself with NERV and settle in, okay?” The young tech desperately wished that for once nothing bad would happen to a new pilot. “If there's anything you need, don't hesitate to ask. If you… I mean if you need help in finding your room…”

The pale boy laughed again.

“I doubt this facility will pose too great a mystery to me. And I am sure whatever lodgings I find will be acceptable. Thank you, lieutenant Ibuki.”

“O-okay,” Maya said, and with a few murmured pleasantries exited the room. She left with the prickings of unease at her back.

He's entirely too cheerful for this job.

Kaworu kept his smile in place, staring through the door. After a moment, after some unseen signal, he let his hands glide into his pockets and entered NERV's interior. His pace was slow, leisurely, and his feet seemed to skim along the polished tile of the base. He silently enjoyed the looks of discomfort and nervousness those who passed him by gave him. He slid through the branching network of NERV's intestines, searching for something he could not name.

Kaworu stopped at a junction of two paths and gazed up at the bloody half fig leaf printed on the wall that represented NERV and its intentions. He grinned, a grim upward wrenching of his lips.

He began to hum Beethoven.

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Misato shut the bathroom door with her foot. She hadn't bothered to finish drying, and the towel she was wearing sprinkled the floor with soapy water. She couldn't deny the apartment had taken a noticeable decline in its overall cleanliness, seeing as Shinji hadn't cleansed the place in months. She remembered the last time he had done his chores, back before the battle with the thirteenth. Misato had walked in after a grueling day of trying to be nice to the slackers from the city's sanitation department following the fight with the twelfth Angel, and was shocked into a brief bout of stupidity. Asuka had been right beside him, helping him scrub the kitchen floor. They had been talking, and she even managed to make him laugh lightly. Misato made sure to track her muddy boots over the redhead's section when they weren't looking.

“Shinji?”

She checked his room and found it empty. Scratching her head, she peeked in her own bedroom, all but abandoned by now. It too was vacant. She hurried back into the hall, a slow kind of panic dawning within her.

“Shinji? Where are you?” She flew into the kitchen. Penpen met her with a friendly wark. “Shinji? Say something!”

And then she stopped, a full, dead halt. She sighed and dragged herself to Asuka's old room. The door was ajar. She found the Third Children beside the deserted bed, hugging his knees to his chest. Remnants of its previous owner lay scattered about, sacred relics conserved in perfect preservation. Shinji carefully sat on the only visible island of carpet on the floor, surrounded by masses of discarded clothes, books, crumpled shopping bags and CDs. None of the items had moved since Misato kicked Asuka out. And as long as he returned to the room none of it ever would.

“Shinji.”

He was still and silent.

Misato squatted on her heels next to him. What could she say? What could she do? She'd read the MAGI's brief regarding the last attack… how the Angel had penetrated into Shinji's mind, rooted into his subconscious. Violated him. Misato looked at his cowering form and felt hot tears build up behind her eyes.

He was raped again, she thought. And all I did was stand and watch it happen.

“Shinji… c-come on. It's late. Let's go to bed, okay?”

She covered his thin shoulder with her hand. It was still slightly damp, and the water bled through to his skin. He gave no sign he even registered the contact. Misato felt a helpless fury. He should have jumped a little at the physical proximity like he always did. He should have colored slightly and gave her a grateful, sad smile.

This wasn't fair. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. He was home now. He was back with her, where he belonged. He was supposed to get better, just like every other time. This was their haven, a world away from the harsh realities of Angels and Evas and everything that was bound up with them. He was supposed to recover and smile at her and say it was okay. He wasn't supposed to wither away in front of her eyes. He wasn't supposed to just sit on the God damn floor all day staring at her bed.

Misato took her hand back.

“Shinji? You should get some rest.”

He made no movement.

“Please? You'll… you'll feel better in the morning. I…” She could not promise him. “Please?”

Shinji sat on the floor.

“Shinji? Shinji? C-come on, say something. Anything….”

I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped Asuka. I killed Touji. I raped

“… Asuka. I killed Touji.”

Misato lurched as a sob crawled up her throat. She tried to reach out to him, but her hands were shaking too much.

“Shinji… Shinji, I—”

She had said “I love you” so many times in the last few days it sounded hollow now.

“Shinji… I'm so sorry.” Misato's chest hitched, and then the tears bled out. “I'm so, so sorry.” The tears would not stop. “Please… please, say something to me. Tell me…” She swallowed. “Tell me you… you hate me, or forgive me, or… God, hate me. I'm so sorry, Shinji. I didn't think you would be able to…” Her face strained. “I'm trying my best! I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do for you! So tell me! Tell me what to do!”

“Mother,” Shinji whispered.

Misato hugged him. Words failed her and she held onto him, weeping. Her scattered breath crashed into his ear.

“I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry.” She tried to calm down, breathing through her nose, but his complete lack of reaction, the desolation in his words and eyes crushed her. She wept hard. “I'm sorry! Please!” She clawed at him, desperate for something, anything. Her mouth opened in the start of a scream, but she clamped her teeth down on the fabric of his shirt. “I'm sorry.”

It was dark when she finally convinced his body to return to its room. It was dark outside, and it was dark inside. It had become a habit of Misato's to keep the lights off within the apartment all day. She could not explain why. She hated the dark. She would never admit it to anyone, but before Shinji moved in all those lifetimes ago she slept with a lamp on. If someone was there, if someone was near her then the memories weren't so crushing. Then it was easier to forget she was alone.

She laid him down. It was hot again tonight so she excused the sheets from their duty. She lay beside him, still clad in a wet towel, and banished reality. Her hand slithered under the pillow they shared. Her other touched his face.

“Shinji? I'll be gone the day after tomorrow, okay? We're… getting some more help. So you don't need to worry about us, okay? All you need to do is stay here and rest. I'll… I'll get take out again when I come home. I know I'm not as good a cook as you are. Sorry I had to subject you to my sorry excuse for curry again.” Even though he barely touches anything I place before him anymore.

She smiled at him. He did not return it. Nothing she did anymore got a reaction. Not a reaction she wanted.

“Shinji?” Misato compressed her lips into a thin line. She spoke very softly. “Could you tell me how you're feeling? I can't help unless you talk to me.”

He did not talk to her.

“Ristuko-san told me it was a good thing to do for someone!”

She had figured out what happened between him and Asuka several days ago. It wasn't much of a mystery when she really thought about it. Teenagers were predictable creatures of habit after all. The only thing that surprised Misato was the redhead's shocking show of repentance after the battle. She never dreamed she'd live to see the day Soryu Asuka Langley forgave Shinji for making a pass at her.

“You were the only one who listened to me!”

The fact that he always went to Asuka, always confided in her, always trusted in her to lessen his burden… it was infuriating. It wasn't the first time Misato was angry with him, and her inability to stop the frustration she felt with the boy only served to irritate her further. She honestly didn't care if those two were fucking themselves dry, not as long as it somehow helped Shinji. It was the fact he allowed the redhead into his life and mind and emotions when he kept her, his guardian, his oldest friend in Tokyo-3, at arm's length. How was she to help him when she knew he didn't trust her enough to address his problems openly?

When she knew he willingly gave the redhead a part of himself he never showed her.

“What am I supposed to do?” she whispered.

His gaze was glassy and unseeing, somewhere below her chin. She followed his eyes down and found the pinched edge of her scar peeking up between her breasts. A scaly, serpentine denizen of the hidden valleys of her body and soul.

What else was she supposed to do?

“Shinji,” she breathed gently.

She leaned forward and kissed him. He did not react. She pulled his upper lip inside her mouth and sucked slowly. He did not react. She wormed her tongue through the seal of their lips and licked the roof of his mouth. He did not react.

He did not react when she cupped her hand around his own and slid it against her breast. He did not react when she moaned softly into his mouth, or when her nipple stabbed his palm.

“Shinji,” Misato whispered in the dark.

She released his hand, trailing her finger tips down his arm. His hand stayed on her chest, frozen in the moment she freed him. She began nipping at his lips, biting until she felt his pulse beneath the skin. Her eyes opened to see the same blank acceptance of reality that had stained his blue orbs since he was attacked. The same look that said this was nothing to be enjoyed, or to be excited about, or to show a shred of human verve for. It was nothing to resume living for.

Misato closed her eyes.

Her hand drifted down further, following a trail along his body only she could sense, until she reached the elastic band of his shorts. She used her nails to dig under it, into the soft flesh of his waist. She traced hairline trenches down, running the sharp ridge of his hip, down through the short patch of tangled hair, to encircle the flesh of his shaft. She cupped his length with her fingers and palm, and leisurely rubbed her thumb up and over his head, still burrowed within his foreskin.

After five minutes he still showed no reaction.

She caressed him as gently as she knew how. She ran her tongue over his bruised lips in a gesture of affection. She stared into the blue of his eyes.

No response. Nothing.

Nothing but silent tears crawling down his face.

There was no change in his steady, slow breath, no quivering of his set lips, no embarrassed color in his face, no natural answer from his body. He lay beside her, frozen while tears collected in a small pool next to his cheek on the pillow.

“I'm sorry,” he told her in a high kind of hiccup.

She pushed away from him violently. She ignored the tearing of the elastic in his shorts, and the blood her nails came back with. An entire life of unsuccessful ploys for respectability and murky motivations for personal fulfillment ruthlessly assailed her most recent failure, her defeated attempt to jerk off her fourteen year old charge. Misato forced the back of her hand over her mouth, fighting down the overpowering urge to vomit. Tangy bile bubbled up to her back molars and splashed lightly on the base of her tongue.

“I'm sorry,” he told her again, and he choked on a silent sob.

The tears still fell.

Misato hugged him, crushing his body to her own. She swallowed her disgust and her hate and her emotional impotence. She felt his tears slide down to meet her scar.

“I'm sorry.”

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She hated him. She hated what he did to her. She hated how he so easily disgraced her into nothing more than a bitch in heat. Like he could lead her around by the waistband. Like he could wiggle his fingers and she'd flop on her back like an obedient dog, spreading her legs so wide they hurt. She hated that look on his face when his hands were full of her fluids. How fucking pleased he looked.

She hated how he touched her. How he put his fingers inside her. How her body betrayed her. How he made her scream. She hated it. She hated everything about it.

She hated how good it felt.

She hated how bad it felt.

She hated how he screamed and cried as the Angel pushed itself inside his head. She hated how he looked after it was over, curled up into nothing on the street. She hated how it made her feel. She hated how it made her apologize to him. Again. She hated being weak and pathetic and childish and immature. She hated wanting to cry.

She hated how that bitch the First saved him. How her Unit-02 could do nothing. She hated how they ordered her not to physically drag Shinji out of the beam's path. She hated how she listened to them. Because she had been afraid. She had been afraid while the boy she called her friend was defiled and ruined right in front of her eyes. What good was an Eva if you weren't even safe inside it? The most powerful weapons on earth, the defenders of humanity, the chariot that let her rise over any obstacle… it was all useless.

No. How dare he even make her consider that. The Evangelion was her life. It was proof of existence, of uniqueness, of strength and ability. It was the reason she was born. The reason for her continued existence.

This was his own God damned fault. If he was too weak and stupid to protect himself than he deserved whatever the Angels threw at him. He wasn't any better than those pitiful cowards that huddled together in the shelters during an attack, pissing themselves dry waiting for salvation. If that was the choice he made, then so be it.

Fucking Ikari Shinji.

She hated him.

She hated how she hit him, yelled at him, abandoned him.

“You were helping me so much… you were the only one who listened to me!”

She hated him.

She hated how weak and helpless he sounded, how he refused to fight back the one time it truly mattered.

“Don't make me see this!! Don't make me look!!”

He was pathetic. Begging the enemy.

“… stop it, please…”

Where was the great Angel killer now?

He was gone. The pilot she had come to envy and respect in a furiously private way was gone. She wondered if he ever truly existed. Was he nothing more than a construct, a convenient fantasy to delude herself with, to excuse her faltering prowess and waning ability? Did she see him only as she wanted, an upstart rookie with the devil's own luck and the unconditional support of those around him? Why did she ever see him as a rival?

Because the truth was too horrible. If she allowed her eyes to see what he truly was, a child, a weakling, a toy, a doll to sate the desires of those around him, then she would not be able to live with herself.

The fact that he ever outperformed her… it was a distant reality now. Competing with him had lost all value, all meaning. It was clear he wasn't trying to one-up her, to one-up anybody. He wasn't like the First, who silently flaunted her status. And he wasn't like Misato, who overtly displayed hers. It was like piloting… and the Eva… were bad things. Painful things.

“Mother! Mother!”

As painful as a noose biting into your neck.

“Asuka?”

“Huh?”

“Were you listening to me?”

The redhead glanced up at Hikari's face, sitting on the floor across from her beside the brunette's bed.

“Something about root beer, right?”

“No,” Hikari said, sighing heavily. Her mouth closed and parted again, words poised on the tip of her tongue. But she did not speak. She glanced back to the television, bright and obnoxious and distracting. “It was… uh, I just wanted to say that… I talked to our teacher and he said not to worry about homework. He… I told him things were kind of… hectic for you lately.”

“Oh.” She blew a stubborn red bang out of her eye. “That it?”

“… yeah. That's it.”

Hikari didn't want to bring up the fact that her father was beginning to openly wonder how long Asuka would be gracing them with her presence. Something was definitely off, but the shy girl was terrified of asking for a real explanation. The redhead's initial excuse for moving in, the whole “I just need a break” routine was getting weak. Not that she thought Asuka was lying, but she wasn't always as naïve as people expected her to be.

But God how she wished she could be.

“Um, Asuka?”

“What?”

“… how's Ikari-kun doing?” She watched the redhead's shoulder's tense. Hard. “Aida-kun has been asking about him, because he can't visit him, but I can never tell him anything. Because I don't know. I mean, he hasn't come in for school in… in months.” Hikari saw the look on her friend's face, but kept going. She was in too deep now. “I haven't seen him since… since that day Katsuragi-san came and picked him up with you and Ayanami. The… the day he was crying on the floor.”

Asuka did not respond. She did not make eye contact.

“If you can't tell me, that's okay. It's… it's just, well, ever since Suzahara-kun moved away… or whatever… things have been… weird. It's just a little scary not to know what's going on, you know?”

“You don't want to know.”

“Oh.” Hikari went silent.

“What do you mean Aida can't visit him?” Asuka said after a time.

“Well… he tried, a couple times, I think, but, well… Katsuragi-san always said he was sleeping, or at NERV, or something. Eventually, he got the message. Even… even Ikari-kun's phone is off, he told me.”

Asuka was aware of that.

“I mean, he's really worried, you know? And with Suzahara-kun gone… he's a little depressed, I think.” Hikari bit her lip. “And I'm sort of worried about you, too.” She hurried on before the redhead could object. “You've just been so… quiet lately. I won't pretend to know what you guys go through, or anything, but… I just can't help but feel things have gotten… bad.”

“Yeah,” Asuka said after a few moments. “Bad.”

Both her tone and her vagueness made Hikari stop talking.

She had never known her friend to be this subdued, this calm. It was scarier then when she was yelling, or threatening to hit someone, or hitting someone. What in the world happened to her to make her act this strange? How had things gotten so terrible so quick? It seemed like just yesterday they were joking about which of their classmates would die single. And now she was worrying over her best friend's mental state.

It made her feel foreign emotions. Strange, enormous sensations, like trying to scale an infinitely growing mountain. Sometimes she despised the world. She despised the world that made her grow up without a mother, that blissfully churned along after half its inhabitants were murdered, that made fourteen year old children fight a war. It all made her frustrated and angry, because no answer could ever appease her. No explanation, no rationale or reason could ever subdue the crushing sense of monumental injustice that she sometimes drowned in. She could only wait for it to pass, or distract herself with some trivial diversion. She was afraid of admitting the truth that was so quickly becoming her reality.

Nothing in this world seems fair anymore.

“Do… do you want to play something on the Echo Box?” the brunette asked, helplessly gesturing to a game controller lying coiled on the floor.

“No.” Asuka stood. “I have to wake up early for a synch test. But don't stop on my account. Go ahead and play. I'm just tired.”

She flopped down on the bed, and faced the wall. Hikari watched her back for a long time. She watched as the movements of her breathing became less and less until she was sure her friend was asleep. Hikari didn't know why but she suddenly felt like crying.

“Yeah,” she whispered. “Bad.”

---------

Evangelion Unit-01 came to life. Its blank eye sockets flashed once and became lit with a dull, steady white, unblinking and unfocused on the cage which restrained it. The entry plug was already inserted, nestled deep within the confines of armor and metal and flesh and blood. There was a pilot sitting in the plug and he was unafraid and self-assured. But the pilot within was not the Beast's master.

“So,” Misato said from the cage's control room, “how's the Fifth Children doing?” She was strangely bitter at having someone else touch Unit-01.

At her side Maya blinked. She reread the sensors twice.

“Um… Nagisa-kun is at… 0%.”

“… what?”

“0.0%. He's… it's like he isn't even in it.”

“Son of a… are the sensors right? Is the plug all the way in? Is Unit-01 even turned on?”

“Y-yes, ma'am. Everything is normal, except… well… it's still 0%.”

“Rei and Asuka are reading normally, too,” Hyuuga said. “Each holding steady.”

Misato scoffed. She leaned forward and depressed the com button.

“Nagisa-kun?” The major had the distinct feeling he was a little… off. “Are your neural connectors on? Are you… are you trying?”

She glanced up at the video display from his plug. The boy seemed slightly shocked. No, it was more than that. He looked like he just received a failing grade from his favorite teacher. He was paler than usual.

But as soon as he heard Misato's voice his face became placid, relaxed, and the subtle hint of endless amusement that seemed to be itching right behind his eyes returned.

“Yes, major. It is quite peculiar.” Despite his failure, Kaworu smiled. “Does the head of Project E have any ideas?”

“Yes,” Misato snapped. “She does. So be sure to stay away from her.”

“Ah. I see.” He glanced around at the plug. “Shall I continue to try? I cannot promise anything, but I am willing to—”

“The test is over,” Fuyutsuki said from the back of the room. He stood, wearing a strange frown. He said nothing more, but motioned to the guards around Ritsuko to escort her out. He followed a moment later, leaving with the intent of finding his former pupil.

“Good day, commander,” Kaworu said. He did not receive anything in return. He shrugged, still grinning. A moment later his video image blinked out and he ejected. As the plug's simulated image de-rezzed around him and he was alone for the moment, he frowned.

This was not how it was supposed to be.

Making his way off the bridge outside the plug, he watched a red blur fly past him in the hall. He didn't need to be an empath to know he should avoid her right now.

Asuka rushed to the command bridge without bothering to shower. She caught her former guardian as she was heading out.

“Misato,” she called after her. The major stopped with an angry sigh. “Where's Shinji? Is he… I mean is everything alright?” She hated being nice like this. When it was painfully obvious it was all an act. When she desperately wanted to be anything but. “Why isn't he here?”

“Shinji is…” The woman paused, rubbing her temples. “We don't know where he is.”

Asuka blinked.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means we don't fucking know where he is, alright?”

“He's a person,” the redhead stated, not scared off in the least. “You don't just lose track of him like your car keys. You can't forget him, or misplace the little idiot.” She narrowed one eye. “He was living with you, Misato.”

“I know!!” The major gritted her teeth. “I know, alright!? I know! I—” She raised her hands in front of her in a gesture of futility. “I know. I… I came home last night after work and… he was gone. There… there were no signs of a struggle, or anything.” Misato glanced away, enraged and frustrated she was actually saying so much to Asuka. “It's like he just disappeared.”

“Section-2—”

“Are a bunch of fucking worthless assholes!” Misato shut her eyes. “We're looking for him now, believe me, I put everyone on it, but we also have a job to do. If… if Shinji is gone and…” She swallowed something thick. “We need all the Evas ready to go. But now… now that damn Nagisa kid can't fucking get it over a basic level ratio and—” Misato sobbed softly. “God fucking damn it all.”

For a moment the redhead tried to put herself in Misato's boots. The woman was operations director for the most important organization on the face of the planet. She was directly in charge of the most powerful weapons in history, as well as the pilots who manipulated them. She was, in a very real sense, the last line of defense that humanity had to offer. Battles relied on her wisdom and quick-thinking to be won. The pressure, the fear, the stress and demands must be enormous, astronomical. And yet for all that the Second Children felt no pity for her. Not a shred.

Asuka snorted softly.

“You never should have kicked me out.”

The implication was clear. Misato slammed her fist into the wall by Asuka's face. She didn't flinch.

“I know this is my fault,” the major whispered through her teeth. “But don't you dare act all high and mighty with me. You left him. No. I don't care what happened. You left him. You left him and it fucking killed him. What the hell were you thinking?”

“I don't have to explain myself to you.”

“No,” Misato said, backing off. “You don't. Because it's too damn late for you to apologize. Not that you would, right? You'd never think of really saying you're sorry to a boy you took advantage of, who trusted you, who was stupid enough to be your friend. We're all beneath you, aren't we? We're insects next to the great and powerful Soryu Asuka Langley.”

Asuka's eyes flashed in fury.

“You're right. You are beneath me. You're a pathetic old hag that has to trick little boys into bed with you.” Her tongue kept going. “Now who does that remind you of?”

Misato drew her hand back, not to slap, but to punch. To render the girl unconscious.

“Well, major?”

It was, despite their best efforts, difficult not to notice the rest of the bridge crew behind them in the hall. It was, despite the crew's best efforts, difficult not to recall their commanding officer's declaration several days ago. It was also hard not to hear all the whispered rumors, and the quiet calls for her dismissal. The complete silence from the commanders was also, regardless of a lot of genuine attempts, hard not to notice.

Another thing of unavoidable notice was the grey-haired teen that chose that exact moment to waltz into the hall with the two women, humming some vaguely classical piece of music to himself. It sounded strange, as if he was using his nose to produce the tune. He saw the scene before him and acted as if a small puppy had wandered into the Geofront. The pale boy had the gall to laugh softly.

“This seems rather unfriendly.”

Misato spun on her heel to the new voice. Asuka just groaned.

“Nagisa-kun,” the major barked. For a very long moment the woman just stared at him. “This isn't any of your business.” She said it loud enough to disperse the rest of the crowd.

“But you are on the same team, are you not?”

“I don't keep company with such desperate women,” Asuka said.

Misato spun on the redhead.

“I am sure,” Kaworu spoke slowly, “you will locate him.” Seeing their confused expressions turn on him, he smiled. “I am sure of it. Do not worry.”

“Great,” Misato bit out. “He's psychic and a useless pilot. Fantastic.” She dared him to get angry. He did not. “Hit the showers, Nagisa. You smell like blood.”

“I do not want to offend, major.” He turned to Asuka. “I am still unfamiliar with the layout of this installation. Would you lead me to the baths? We could talk along the way…”

“You have a map, don't you?” the redhead spat. “Find it yourself.”

The Fifth shrugged regrettably as Asuka took off, but he still smiled. He turned with uncanny accuracy and spoke.

“Then perhaps you would be so kind, Miss Ayanami?”

Rei, having observed the entire scene in silence, returned the boy's gaze unerringly. She only lacked his cheerful artifice.

“I will show you the way,” she said, still carefully watching him.

“Wonderful.” Kaworu turned to bid the major farewell, but the woman was already gone. He laughed silently. The boy glanced down at his companion and smiled. “Do you suppose any of the Lilim would mistake us for siblings like the Second did? The thought was amusing.”

Rei stared straight ahead.

“Yes,” the boy continued, undeterred. “NERV has been quite busy.” It gradually dawned on him that the girl next to him would not respond to such obscure niceties. “We are the same, you and I.”

“Yes,” Rei said cautiously. “We are both Children.”

“Very well,” Kaworu said with laugh. “I am in no real hurry.” He thought of Unit-01, and smiled in silence. “Then tell me, what is Ikari Shinji like?”

---------

Kaji shut off his cell phone and tucked it away inside his back pocket.

I've lived my entire life on borrowed time. I think I can steal a few more minutes.

He knocked twice on Katsuragi Misato's office door and decided to be courteous. After a half minute he decided courtesy was overrated.

He opened the door and stepped into a room drowning in darkness. The walls and ceiling had vanished behind a thick veil of black, the floor was nothing but a vague recollection of previous visits. The sole light in the office sparked from Misato's desk, the harsh illumination from the computer screen casting her face in death-like pallor.

“Here to offer another of your oh so helpful pep talks?” she asked, not bothering to move her eyes the few inches away from the screen to look at him.

Kaji cringed inwardly. Her voice was so… tired.

“I won't lie. It looks like you could use one. Especially after that little scene earlier.”

“If you're only here to berate me you'll have to take a number,” Misato said, sounding like she was discussing the weather. “The line starts with Asuka and circles Central Dogma twice.”

“I'm actually surprised you lasted as long as you did with her. I know she can be a handful.”

“It's behind me. A moment of weakness.” Misato waved it away.

“That's a relief.” He approached her desk, frowning at how hard she was jamming her keyboard. “I didn't know that model was so pressure sensitive. What are you working on?”

“Section-2's backlog,” she answered immediately. She did not slow down. “It's the only resource I have left to me.”

“Not the only one.” Kaji waited until she finally deigned to meet his eyes. “We've certainly gotten off track, haven't we? I miss the good old days when we were sleuthing around NERV, don't you? There was a lot you should have seen. I really do regret the way things turned out, you know.”

“I'll bet.”

Kaji restrained the sigh itching on the backs of his lips.

“How is he? Really?”

Misato stopped and clenched her hands.

“I do not need this right now,” she spat. “Not from you.”

“I read the report you furnished for the Marduk Institute and all the grunts,” Kaji said. “Quite a nice little story you cooked up. So Shinji-kun is… what did you call it? On an indefinite recuperative leave? Is that what NERV calls failing a basic start up exercise these days? How poetic.”

“I don't even want to guess how you know that,” Misato said slowly. She faced the scruffy man, not bothering to hide her exhaustion and despair. “Kaji… please. I just… I cannot deal with you right now, okay? So unless you have something of actual importance to tell me, get out.”

He stared at her hands, a flurry of movement over the keyboard.

“I have to be honest. It… shocked me to hear you say that. I never knew he meant so much to you. I'm the last person on earth who should tell you how to live your life, but I have to agree with the general consensus that this is not healthy, least of all for him.” Kaji paused. “Has he said it back?”

“Shut up.”

“Love isn't meant for us. We both lost our right to be happy a long time ago. And—”

“God not this again,” Misato muttered.

“And I think, so did he. Even so he doesn't deserve what's happening to him now.”

“You make it sound like you know where the hell he is,” she said.

“No,” Kaji said, “I don't.”

Technically that wasn't a lie. He didn't know exactly where Shinji was. It was the same kind of legitimacy that allowed him to say he didn't know what the boy's father was planning. Kaji knew certain parts of the truth, but the whole picture was too big for the pieces to mean anything on their own. But there was only so much he could do by himself, given how many lines his life was tied to. A pull in any direction meant breaking all the others.

When he first arrived at NERV, it was all too easy to forget the tether around his neck. It had been easy to feed the major clues and allow her to reach him on her own. Delving into the Geofront's secrets, the Children, the Evangelions, the strange autopilot system… it was arrogance to think the seven eyes did not see. Kaji knew and had long made peace with the fact that this path had only one end. What was difficult was willingly taking another along for the ride.

So he had come to it, finally. Was he willing to bring her into the fold, to make his crusade hers? Kaji knew that of everyone, every possible ally he could think of, she was the most capable, the most deserving of the truth. He knew she would see it through to its completion, even if it meant her death.

He stared at Misato for a lingering breath.

Even if it meant his?

Kaji knew he must never turn away from the truth. But he had also come to realize never looking away from it made one blind to other things.

I've been playing without a leash for too long.

“Katsuragi… don't you find it odd we were sent the Fifth like this? Like he was just waiting in the wings?”

“I have other things to worry about.”

“I have no doubt. But it won't matter much if you don't pay attention to your duties.”

“My duties?' Misato repeated. Her lip twitched upwards in pang of fury. “My only duty right now is finding Shinji. I am not a major right now. I am his friend and guardian. So the rest of the world is just going to have to wait!”

“You're not acting like yourself,” Kaji said, almost sadly. He shook his head. “No, I meant to him.” He looked at her chest.

Misato was on her feet.

“I don't need anyone to tell me what I'm fighting for,” she said, biting out the words. “I'm making sure no one has to suffer like he did. I'm fighting for him because he can't.”

“I'm no dummy. But neither is he.” He sighed. “I am sure he's still alive, Katsuragi.”

She sat down in a heap.

“Katsuragi…” Kaji frowned. “It's pointless to tell you what to do, or say that he wouldn't want this. What matters is what you want.” He drew a small compact out of his pocket. “The world will keep moving whether or not Shinji-kun is here. You need to keep moving, too.”

“What are you talking about?”

“What I've been looking for all this time.” He rotated his hand, letting what little light was in the office catch the compact. He waited until realization flew past her eyes. “I have to be sure this way doesn't fail. It has to be your choice. What you do with it is up to you.”

Misato stared at him and made her decision.

She kicked her trash can from under her desk. It hit his shins.

“You can drop it there, thanks.” She turned back to her computer.

“Katsuragi—”

Kaji caught enough of what was in her eyes, her voice, her heart. Frustration, hate, sadness, fatigue… if she felt she needed to do this on her own terms he couldn't force her. He looked down at the top of her head and gently reminded himself everyone has a breaking point. No one should be forced to live past it.

“Please,” she said weakly. “Just… leave me alone.”

He cursed NERV, the Evangelions, the Angels, the committee, everything beneath the sun. Kaji let the compact slip into the trash can.

“See ya, Katsuragi.”

He left her office, still swimming in darkness. He walked the halls of NERV at a slow pace, disgusted with himself for such a sudden, desperate longing for the life he was leaving behind.

Such a pinnacle of human ethics and morality I was. No wonder I'm feeling sentimental.

All too soon he found himself outside, kicking the dust of NERV from his shoes, and waited. He waited until the sun winked out of existence and the artificial beacons of the Geofront cut through the dark. Kaji snorted and lit a smoke.

“They always did have a flair for the dramatic.”

He began to walk again. The streetlights flickered on as he was winding his way along a hilly path, a field of dark flowers to his left, a tree lined incline to his right. He strolled at a leisurely pace, allowing his feet to guide his course freely. He laughed aloud when he saw the first melon from his patch greet him as he crested a bend in the road.

“I don't think I got the chance to tell anyone about this, did I?”

Kaji stopped in his tracks. He shook his head slowly, a subtle dawning overwhelming him. He plucked his neglected cigarette from his lips and crushed it under his heel. He lifted his head and regarded the grey haired teenager who was standing by his little patch of earth.

“Hello, agent Kaji Ryouji,” Kaworu said. “You are late.”

“Hey there, kiddo,” the man responded. He did not smile.

The boy did.

“I believe a mutual acquaintance of ours would like a word with you.”

---------

It was pathetic. Asuka knew that much. Not that she had much else to do these days, but that didn't diminish the pitiful reality of her current situation.

Asuka huffed for the fifth time as the tram line that descended from the city into the Geofront passed the final protective layer of shielding and the familiar sight of NERV's pyramidal main structure met her eyes. She had never felt any real awe at the sight, not like those around her, not like Shinji who would always stare out every time they entered through the tram, his eyes shining with unspoken wonder. She almost missed it, now.

Kaji had told her a few days ago to keep an eye on the cerebral wing of NERV's private hospital, like he was cluing her in to some great big joke. He sounded strangely reminiscent about it. When she asked what he was talking about he waved her off, and regaled her with the trials and tribulations of being the lapdog of a disingenuous government.

At any other time she would have eaten up every word the man directed her way no matter how boring or insignificant, but she couldn't call upon her ability to subdue her emotions with mindless flirtation anymore. Part of her troubling lack of commiseration was undoubtedly due to his conspicuous absence when she needed a new place to stay, but then again the scruffy man had been making a habit of fading into the background for months. At least that's how it seemed to her, despite how… distracted she'd been lately. Asuka said goodbye first that day.

Despite her disturbing lack of passion she did visit the hospital on his request. Quietly. She waited for Hikari and her family to leave for the day, and made sure to be home before they returned. So far her subterfuge had been successful. Though why she went to such great lengths to cover up, in her mind at least, a perfectly normal thing to do was beyond her reasoning abilities. Or willingness to reason.

Asuka entered the cerebral trauma wing and was again disgusted by the fact that the staff knew her. She idly approached the check-in desk, noting absently that there was a new receptionist behind it.

“Is Ikari Shinji a patient here?” she asked, more out of tradition than anything else.

“Ah, well, um…”

Asuka stared at the young receptionist, the gears in her mind tumbling over one another.

“If he's here you'd better tell me where.” She sighed irritably at the girl's continued hesitancy. “I'm Soryu Asuka Langley. You know, the Second Children? The girl who's out there saving your behind every other day?” She flashed her ID card and stamped a foot. “I'd hate to have to tell my commanders about this…”

For the first time since she met the man, dropping Ikari Gendo's name had a positive effect for her.

Asuka jogged lightly to room 303. She didn't bother knocking and twisted the handle. It was locked. She sighed through her nose.

“Misato,” she called through the door. “Let me in. I didn't get out of bed just to have you play the concerned guardian again.” She waited, then struck the door, producing an obnoxious pound. “I'm sure he appreciates how much you've isolated him.”

She heard the electronic lock disengage, and the door swung inward. Misato met her. The woman looked terrible. She was haggard, tired, weary. She hadn't changed or showered in days. She looked old. Again, Asuka didn't care.

“How is he?”

“Alive.” She stayed in the door frame. Though her arms hung heavily by her sides, Asuka wasn't fooled. She knew the woman was waiting for an excuse to strike her.

“Where was he?” the redhead asked.

“Section-2 finally found him last night around four a.m. He was in a public restroom within the Geofront, in one of the stalls.”

Asuka stared up at Misato and crossed her arms.

“You going to let me in or what?”

The major shut her eyes. A messy scene was the last thing she needed right now. She weighed the fury the girl awakened in her against her exhaustion and fatigue. Surprisingly, hate faltered a step.

“Don't touch him,” she said, moving aside.

Asuka's gasp hit the back of her teeth. Shinji lay unconscious on the bed, a thick gauzy bandage covering his neck and head. An IV ran into his arm, shedding tears into him every second. He looked thin, too thin, sickly. Like he was dying. His face was drawn and ashen, the eyes sunk into dark hollows below the leathery burns that still covered his brow. In the harsh fluorescent lights it was easy to see the discoloration of his right cheek, the bumpy white scars on the side of his face and nose, his viciously shredded lips. The rise and fall of his chest were almost nonexistent. Death warmed over.

Fucking hell, she thought. He looks like he already died.

She had almost forgotten how bad he looked. It made her realize how truly powerless she was. She could control an unstoppable war machine with her thoughts, she could graduate college at age fourteen, she could save the world on a weekly basis and think nothing of it, but she could do nothing to save one, small, tiny life. And for all her achievements and accomplishments it made her feel useless and insignificant. It made her hate him all over again.

“What happened?”

“We don't know,” Misato said. “The… the back of his head was banged up, the hair shaved off. That and he hasn't eaten for days.”

Asuka glanced back at her former guardian. Her eyes were puffy and red.

“So he was kidnapped.”

“I don't know. I just…” Misato sighed. “I don't know.”

They stayed silent for a time. Only the gentle electric pip of the monitors broke the quiet.

Asuka smiled suddenly at how absolutely absurd her life had become. She shook her head slowly, willing herself not to start laughing like a mental patient. That thought sobered her up quickly.

This is just so stupid.

She traced the distorted contours of his face again. The injuries he sustained by her hand… and foot… were all but gone now. Nothing but faint shadows under a far heavier darkness. She wasn't quite sure how to feel about it.

“Misato,” she said, her voice soft with weariness. “Could I stay here for awhile?”

“… what?”

“I'm tired. The trip here took more out of me than I thought. I just need a place to rest my feet for a little.”

Accusations, swears, and recriminations all fought for dominance on Misato's tongue. She glared down at the girl, dumbfounded by her request. That this girl could be so arrogant.

“He isn't a toy,” the woman said with a quiet wrath. “You can't throw him in a corner and then play with him whenever the mood hits you.”

Asuka held her tongue, swallowing her feelings on the major's choice of words.

“I know,” she said.

That was all she said. She offered no apologies, no defenses, no reasons for her behavior, or even why she should be allowed anywhere near Shinji. She stood in silence, awaiting her commanding officer's decision. She waited for a long time.

“No,” Misato finally said. “You can't.”

“You really want a battle right now? Right here?” The girl snorted something out almost like a laugh. “Get over yourself. You're not his mother so stop acting like—”

“I know I am not his mother,” the major hissed.

There was enough of an undertone to shut Asuka's mouth.

Misato's cell phone rang. She turned away from the two teenagers, speaking quietly. She finished the brief conversation with a soft sigh. She hung up, but kept the phone in her hand.

“What is it?” the redhead asked.

“It's another Angel.”

---------

“The enemy is in a holding pattern over Ohwakudani,” Aoba reported as Asuka ran through a list last minute checks for Unit-02.

“Unit-00, move to point. Unit-02, back her up. Unit-01 will remain in stand-by,” Fuyutsuki said, pre-empting Misato. His image popped up in a small window by Asuka's arm inside her entry plug. The elder Ikari was nowhere to be found. Dr. Akagi was conspicuously absent as well.

Asuka growled. These were probably old man Gendo's orders. Was that old fart still pissed that she swore she'd crush him? God, commander. Learn to let go. Stop living in the past.

“We wish to avoid any further instances of insubordination like the last battle,” the aged sub-commander continued, his voice adopting the gravely edge he used for chewing out subordinates and small children.

Insubordination!? Asuka mentally roared. That old bastard! I fell in line. I followed orders. She frowned. I fell in line because piloting is more important than saving someone I called a friend.

She tightened her grip on the control yokes until she felt her knuckles pop.

What if it had been Hikari out there last time? Would she have heeded the order to stay back while the freckled girl was violated?

Asuka knew the answer and hated herself a little more because of it.

The orders from the bridge were to keep back and observe the Angel, a rotating column of light. Asuka had stopped being surprised how her enemies chose to appear to her long ago. In her eyes it was merely another obstacle in her path. One that she'd hunt and kill, just like all the others. Size and shape meant nothing.

Which was why she didn't bat an eyelash when the column stopped, broke into a single line and cut through Unit-00's AT field. Like the hexagonal barrier wasn't even there. She watched as Rei fired three shots at point blank range, with no result. The Angel sunk into the Eva's stomach and thick, branching veins began crawling up its frame, showing the attacker's progression. The rifle fell from Unit-00's hands, and it was lost in the reaching trees by its legs.

Biological corrosion, Asuka heard someone say. She glanced down at the video link to the blue Evangelion. Rei was paler than usual. Identical protrusions were rising up through her body, pushing through the plug suit. She gasped in pain. Asuka raised her rifle.

---------

“Get Rei out of there!” Misato screamed.

Asuka squeezed the trigger in short, controlled bursts, peppering the flailing Angel's free end. She was rewarded with a flowering cloud of blood from the target, and an agonized scream from Rei.

Unit-02 carefully re-aimed.

“Cease fire!” the major ordered. “God, Asuka, what—”

“Unit-00 has already undergone six percent fusion,” Maya's terrified voice shook out. “At this rate…”

“Damn it!” Misato yelled. “Cut her synch back, try to stop the infection.”

“I can't!” Maya cried, losing any semblance of calm. “The signal's being blocked! All the nerve relays are being fused shut.” She turned quickly to the major, whimpering. “She'll die if we don't do something. We can't stop it. Not by ourselves.”

The blue Evangelion's body, wreathed in hideous distensions, was digging its heels into the earth, its arms and hands grasping at something unseen. Its skull fell backwards, the single luminous eye staring into the cloudless sky. The pilot did not respond.

“Launch Unit-01,” Fuyutsuki ordered.

“Sir!?”

“It may at least serve as a decoy.”

“But… the Fifth can't even get a basic level rate and Asuka is still—”

“Launch it.”

Nagisa Kaworu rocketed up to the battlefield, again stretching his empathic abilities to the beast he was riding inside. Again it was met with absolute silence. He was not frustrated, or angry, simply puzzled. The lift's cover slid down, revealing the battleground to him. The sixteenth was directly before him. Little more than a half hundred yards separated the two Evangelions. For the first time since he arrived, Kaworu did not feel calm.

Unit-01 still did not move.

“I do not seem to be making any difference here,” the Fifth Children regretfully informed Central Dogma. “What should I do?”

“Await further orders,” Fuyutsuki said.

---------

Rei heard the commands from Central Dogma, but could not summon the strength of will to be saddened by them. Was this the end? Had she finally outlived her usefulness? Would she finally be able to rest, to return to the great void of Gaf, before life and after death?

She gagged on a thick cough, and suddenly the rest of the world bled from view. Forced away by the cruel thing crawling under her skin.

A hand, reaching through her body, climbing through her layers of apathy and indifference and coldness to her core, to what made her who she is. It was filling all the spaces inside her, and compelled what few mysteries she held to the front of her thoughts. She was put on display, an object, a thing to be gazed at and examined.

“Won't you become one with me?”

She saw herself, the form that identified its physical nature as the First, submerged in an endless sea of orange blood, of liquid life, of LCL. Behind the form she saw four closed eyes, sleeping in blissful ignorance. Before the form she saw two eyes frozen in a sightless stare, the pupils pinpricks of toneless color.

“Let me share this feeling with you.”

Like a punch Rei felt a foreign emotion rammed inside her until she knew she would burst. It forced her mouth open and made her speak.

“… loneliness.”

“That is what is inside your heart. What we are calling out for.”

Flashes of light, or darkness, crashing into each other to form colors, things, places she visited, people she knew. Gloved hands. Glasses. Water. Flowers. Tethered restraints. A sunrise. A hand balled in a small fist. A thing with pale skin and red eyes. Eyes. So many eyes. Red eyes. Blue eyes. Green eyes. A green eye without a lid staring at her insides.

“We all are waiting…”

A storm, a vast flurry of power and indescribable masses, reaching, pulsing, searching.

“… for rebirth…”

The great green eye opened.

---------

Asuka slid to a halt behind a small hill to reload her rifle, wasting a handful of seconds to glance at the lifeless Unit-01.

“Why don't we just open all our doors while we're at it and invite Third Impact?” Asuka scoffed. “I always have to do all the work.”

This had to be the most unorganized sortie she ever participated in. She fired a few shots from her refreshed clip between the purple Evangelion and the whipping end of the Angel, catching a glowing bend in her enemy. It retreated under a splash of crimson.

What the hell was going on? That weird new guy couldn't move Shinji's Eva. That had been established clearly. NERV had reached a new level of incompetence.

“Perhaps you should not attack so directly,” Kaworu said.

“Perhaps the rookie should shut up and leave this to the pro,” she snapped. “Keep your mouth shut. You're distracting me.”

Asuka tried another route to Unit-00 from the side, and had to again jump backwards out of the Angel's range. Whatever biological corrosion meant within an Eva, she was not eager to find out first hand.

The Angel's end strained towards her and she raised her rifle to remind it what the cost of messing with the Second Children was. Before she could fire Unit-00's back opened and sprouted a towering mass of grey flesh, budding eyes, limbs, and mouths. It swayed under its weight, while Unit-00 shuddered. Asuka's face twisted in a grimace. The eyes on the mass were blinking, the limbs grabbing, the mouths snapping. They were all the while bobbing slightly, like some nightmarish parade float. Then it began to drift towards the lifeless Unit-01.

“Shit,” Asuka said. Not that it bothered her in the least. Just more to aim at.

“This is not good,” Kaworu stated.

“No shit. New guy, get out of there. You'll get all fucked up too if you just stand there.”

“I am quite aware of that, pilot Soryu. This was not what I had planned when I entered NERV. I am as surprised as you.” He paused to smile. “I do not have any control over this Evangelion.”

“Then why are you even out here?” Asuka looked at Rei's image in the video window by her arm and cringed. There were small bubbling patches peppered all over her suit, sympathetic wounds were she had been shot. Blood oozed over the top of her suit's neck. Why hasn't she ejected yet!?

The Second Children ran through a tagged inventory of weapons at her immediate disposal. The palette rifle seemed to be more harm than good, and there wasn't enough time to isolate the Angel, or to gather the necessary power for the positron rifle. Melee weapons were out of the question. And that crazy giant red spear seemed to be one of a kind. Even so, if NERV was packing that kind of weaponry from the very beginning, why wasn't it used in battle before this?

Asuka's face contorted in a dark scowl.

If we had that thing to begin with Shinji would be out here with us, where he belongs.

She lined her sights on the pillar of flesh, but relaxed her trigger finger when she heard Rei begin to speak.

“… 01… must not… be lost…”

Asuka glanced up in confusion at the vid window showing Unit-00's plug, the First Children's body wreathed in thick veins, as she reached behind her seat, groping until her shaking hand wrapped around a latch embedded in a sphere. Self-destruct. Asuka couldn't say she disagreed with the course of action. The Second Children eased back in her seat, debating whether to run or stay and watch the fireworks. She looked back at Rei.

“Nice knowing you,” the redhead said. She waited for the detonation. It never came.

Inside Unit-00's plug, as her hand curled around the destruct lever, Rei whipped her face around, her eyes wide and wondering.

“Ikari-kun…”

---------

Emergency alarms filled Central Dogma, coloring the air red. The MAGI's main sub screen alerted its masters to a new threat.

“What going on now?” Misato yelled over the din.

“Wait… wait!” Maya rechecked the sensors. “There's a spike in Unit-01's psychograph! I… I don't know what's going on! None of these readings are…” She broke off with an audible snap as her jaw closed. Oh, God. They're really going to do it—

Misato stared at the main screen. Unit-01 had lurched out of the lift, placing a spasming hand on one side for support. It appeared to be stumbling. The fire of its eyes seemed to thin and then widen, a grotesque blink.

The way the machine was moving, those stiff, awkward steps and complete lack of knowledge over its systems… where had she seen that before?

“Is Nagisa-kun doing this?” she asked.

“Negative,” Maya said, feeling her stomach bottom out in dread. She was forced to breathe through her mouth as she watched the phantom psychograph begin to steadily grow in leaps and bounds. “His synch rate is still at 0. This is…” This is what I've been working on.

Unit-01, free of the elevator, took its first step without any brace and pitched forward. It landed hard on its left wrist, the force of impact snapping the entire arm close to its body. The machine blinked again, then dropped fully to all fours and started crawling.

It's like its learning how to move, Misato reflected in terrible awe.

A sudden, horrid thought struck the major.

“Where's Shinji?”

“In his room,” Aoba said immediately. “I've got visual—” He stopped. “God…”

Misato ran over to his post, gaping at the small screen that displayed Ikari Shinji's hospital room within NERV.

It was empty.

---------

“New guy?”

Asuka called the Fifth again, but all messages to and from were being blocked. She fired off a volley between the two Evas, but neither seemed dissuaded from their eventual meeting.

Fantastic, Asuka grumbled to herself. Things were going straight to shit. Unit-01 was out of common sense, scrambling right into the edge of the Angel's reach.

“What the hell…?”

She watched in shocked fascination as Unit-01 stood and began to pick up speed, barreling towards the blue Evangelion. The Angel's free end drew back then shot forward, catching the purple mech on the face. It faltered a moment, the brought its hands up and gripped its foe before it could sink inside it.

“It… it can't be,” Asuka said, zooming in on Unit-01.

She knew this behavior. She had seen it during the battle against the Fourteenth. She had seen it safe within the confines of Central Dogma, along with everyone else. She had seen Unit-01 possess the same focused drive and blind need for victory before.

“There's no way.”

Asuka watched in horror as Unit-01's face jutted down, and white teeth burst through a layer of red muscle tissue. Blood sluiced through and stained them yellow. Asuka felt her stomach turn over.

Please… not… not again…

Unit-01 tore the Angel from its head. Its grip tightened, ignoring the bulging veins that grew up from the armor. With one hand it held the Angel's end, with the other it began pulling. Soon the wriggling beam of light was taut, unable to maneuver in the slightest. The purple Evangelion stalked towards Rei's position, still pulling, collecting the slack in its other hand.

With a savage jerk Unit-01 began tearing the Angel from Unit-00, and Rei's agonized screams filled the tac net. Unit-01 did not stop. Its fingers pried into the squirming enemy, and then pulled, neatly halving it as the purple arms drew apart. It continued to pull, and Rei continued to scream.

Over the net, Asuka was vaguely aware of the chaos that had engulfed the bridge. She watched Unit-01's power cable being severed, but still it moved. She heard Misato order its deactivation, but still it moved.

“Please, stop,” she heard Maya say.

Asuka glanced at the First again, and then her image vanished in a spurt of blood. She turned to Shinji's machine. It had its arms spread wide, each hand strangling one of the halved ends of the Angel. It tugged, then placed a foot on the blue mech for leverage. The end refused to disconnect from Unit-00. Asuka shuddered as Unit-01 gave a low, wet growl. Rei no longer made any noise.

Asuka watched, her index finger clenched over the trigger. She heard, far away, alarms and shouts, but they were soft, gentle buzzes. Nothing to worry about. She stared, transfixed, and Unit-01 dug its fingers into the opening the Angel had made on Unit-00's stomach. She watched as it strained, the purple muscles on its arms standing out. Above it, the pillar of flesh jutting from the infected Eva shuddered under the assault, then deflated like a balloon. It drifted forward, tickling Unit-01's back. The blue Eva's chest was cracking, and the wound gaped wider. Thick crimson coughed up.

With a final, savage tug, the Angel was divided completely, pulling Unit-00 apart with it. Blood stormed out, covering the hills, covering the buildings, covering its attackers. The lungs split, withering like raisins. They sagged down and belched out their remaining air in a sharp burst.

“Rei!” someone finally screamed from Dogma.

Unit-00 was carved so deep the entry plug spilled out its front end, tumbling down its stomach and intestines, nestling deep within the ruined mound between its legs. It was soon lost under a wave of blood.

Machines that bleed, Asuka thought. Machines that have stomachs and digestive tracks. Why on earth would machines need digestive tracks? She swallowed.

As what was left of the Angel faded and ultimately disintegrated, Unit-01 pitched forward, its eyes growing dark. It ceased to move, to be active.

Asuka checked a sidebar panel directly linked to Central Dogma's detection array. The blue blood pattern had vanished. The Angel was gone.

Then she shut her eyes, feeling indescribably tired. In Central Dogma, someone continued to scream Rei's name.

---------

“Yet again you disappoint me.”

Ritsuko laughed at Gendo, a thick, wet shuddering of her voice.

“Disappoint?” she repeated him. “That would have to mean you once had hope for me. Don't flatter me, commander. Talk like that goes straight to my head.”

“The system is not fully operational,” he said calmly.

“Of course it's not! Did you expect me to revise my life's work in a few days!? What the hell were you expecting from something so crude!?” Ritsuko's face suddenly darkened and she frowned. “You God damned son of a bitch.”

Gendo looked at her for a moment, his eyes hidden by the glare of his glasses, and turned away.

“You may leave now.” He signaled to the two guards behind her and they removed the doctor from the room. He soaked in the silence for a breath. “You disappoint me too.”

Shinji did not respond. He floated in a glass tube filled with LCL, wires connected to his head, neck and body. As he hung in the liquid, his left hand knocked against the cylinder. The metal on his fingers produced a thin, hollow chime.

“There is only one Angel remaining, and that shall be your last attempt to devour it. If you do not…”

Gendo decided not to voice his worries. The final messenger would fall to Unit-01, and it would be absorbed. That was the only viable outcome. That was all he had to work towards.

Behind him the only door leading into the chamber opened. Gendo did not bother to look. Fuyutsuki entered the room, not lifting his eyes to the tube. He looked like he just swallowed a mouthful of vomit.

“The Angel's status?” Gendo asked, still not looking at the old man.

“Dead. It expired exactly when Unit-01 succeeded it dividing it in two.”

“Unit-01's status?”

“Deactivated. And still lacking an S2 organ.”

“Unit-00?”

“All but destroyed. Considering cost and time, we should probably just abandon it. It won't be of any use before the last Angel.”

“… and Rei's status?”

“She's… alive, somehow,” Fuyutsuki said, sighing. “When Unit-00 was torn apart with the Angel, she felt the full force of everything that happened. She was at, roughly, 60% during the end of the battle. We couldn't disconnect the fused nerve relays. She…” The sub-commander sighed again. “Rei will never walk again. Her legs suffered complete nerve death, as well as her right arm due to spinal injuries. That's to say nothing of her internal organs…”

Fuyutsuki could have sworn he saw his commander shrug.

“It is no matter,” Gendo said. “When she dies we will simply rebirth her again. It is not a necessity her current incarnation survives to the end.”

“But… we may need her to fight. The Second is already on the fence regarding her allegiances. It won't take much for her to swing one way or the other.” The old man finally glanced at Shinji. “She seems to have grown close to your son.”

“It does not matter. She will fight, when the time comes.”

“Rei is all but useless… without the dummy system, so is Shinji. Asuka too, is…” Fuyutsuki trailed off as he saw Gendo turning to him. “Perhaps we shouldn't have destroyed the infected Unit-03.” He cleared his throat. “That leaves us with one other.”

“The Fifth.”

“What will you do about him? He has proven useless to us.” The old man shook his head. “Why on earth did SEELE send him to us when he has no discernable skills?”

“I do not know,” Gendo admitted. “Nor do I care. Most likely he is some sort of spy. Though his inability to achieve even a basic level synch is… disconcerting.”

“To say the least.” He shifted on his feet. “The major placed him under house arrest within the Geofront following the battle. Everyone was in an uproar. Perhaps we should have let her in on the updated Dummy project, at least the basics. As things now stand, we have only one viable pilot.”

Gendo passed his gloved right hand over the machine before him, a machine running directly to Shinji's brain. He depressed a button and the wires disconnected one by one before retracting up to the ceiling of the tube. Another button drained the tank, letting the child fall against its side. Then it opened with a hiss, and Shinji fell out onto the ground at Gendo's feet.

“Incorrect,” he said. “All we need is him and Unit-01.” He gazed down on his son. “And the converted Dummy plug system. With a few more alterations, it will be fool proof. We won't even need the Second.”

Fuyutsuki sighed. Just a little bit longer, he told himself.

“What will you do about her and the major? They're near hysterics over Shinji-kun's disappearance.”

The commander of NERV felt an irrational surge of pride.

“Return him to his room. If the major demands tighter security, give it to her. It won't matter.”

“And what excuse should I offer?” Fuyutsuki asked. “They really are quite furious, you know.”

“Tell them whatever they want to hear. It is none of my concern.” Gendo pressed another button, and two large men entered the chamber. “Take him back to the hospital. Don't bother with secrecy.” He glanced down at the boy's unconscious form. “Wait.”

The men stopped, and watched as Gendo bent down next to Shinji. His hand went through his hair, in a strange, almost intimate gesture. He yanked up, and pulled the neural connectors out.

“Take him back,” he ordered.

“I'll go with him,” the old man said. “It might serve to calm them… a little.” He let the guards carrying Shinji pass before him, but as he stepped beneath the doorway, he paused. “Is this… is this truly the right way, Ikari?”

“It is the only way.” The commander nearly smiled. “Having second thoughts, this late?”

I'm having third thoughts. And fourth, and fifth…

“I just want to make sure we're on the same page. I…” He stopped, and considered if saying what he wanted to say would cost him his life. He decided he was old enough. Even so, his next words were breathed. “Would she want this?”

Gendo heard, and considered his former sensei.

“Does it matter?” He waited, knowing the old man would face him. “It does not matter if she would agree with this course or not. She is gone. All we are doing is assuring she is not lost. Any method to achieving that goal is viable.” He paused again. “This is the only way. Nothing else matters.”

Fuyutsuki gazed at him, wanting to say more, much more, but in the end he did not. He shut his eyes, and turned, and left the chamber. The door slid shut behind him with a hiss.

Nothing else matters, Yui.

But despite his own claims, despite the old man's words, Gendo stayed within the room, and thought. It was true. Nothing mattered besides her. Her inevitable return. All else was meaningless. Shinji didn't matter. Rei didn't matter. Neither did Soryu, or the major, or the spy. Fuyutsuki didn't matter. SEELE didn't matter. The pedophile he was sleeping with didn't matter. NERV, Tokyo-3, the rest of humanity… they did not matter.

Gendo tensed his right hand briefly, buried within his pocket, sealed from the outside world. It had long since ceased to bother him, the numbness that encompassed his palm. The sensation that something had drilled a hole through his hand. He had adapted, survived. Just like he was adapting, surviving, now. It was bothersome, troublesome even, these current events, but he would sculpt them to his benefit, like always. Because the goal before him was important enough to reshape the world. It was all for the goal. He had killed a God once before, and if necessary, he would kill another.

The conclusion was within his sight now. All else faded in his vision.

Yui.

Nothing else mattered.

-----------

End of chapter 5

Author notes: ugh. Filler. But now that all the crappy supporting cast stuff is taken care of I can focus on the main plot again. Three cheers for disappointing my readers. And giving them more repetition than they can shake a stick at. And giving them more repetition than they can shake a stick at.

Someone told me I almost made them cry with chapter four.

Good. I'm sick of stories where Arael's attack becomes nothing more than a minor inconvenience to shrug off, or a means to self-discovery and personal growth. Yeah, nothing like reliving unimaginably horrific repressed memories to make you a better human being. I mean come on, it really messed Asuka up in the series.

And I realize how hypocritical that is when I just brushed aside the whole Armisael violation. Rei just got the shaft in this fic no matter how I look at it.

Sorry, nick2951. I swear I didn't steal the idea of a Shinji dummy from your fic. I know how much plagiarism sucks, though.

Meh. This was a weak chapter. Far too long. That scene with Kaji was just so forced. And the battle just wouldn't come together, even after five drafts. Action never was my forte. Oh well.

Next chapter: an explanation for Ritsuko… in the author notes. Sorry.