Ronin Warriors Fan Fiction ❯ Shadows of Cyan ❯ Understanding ( Chapter 3 )

Understanding
Chapter Three of Shadows of Cyan
by: wingsofsakon

Shin watched as Shuu went back upstairs. Then realized that he could feel eyes looking through his back. Shin took a breath and turned around slowly.

"What are you doing, Shin?" Ryo asked doing his best to not make it a big deal.

"I'm going out to have some fun. Is there some thing wrong?" Shin asked as he pretended to be concerned.

"No… but what are your plans?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Touma said still scanning Shin's ensemble.

"Shin… " Seiji said getting up and walking over to him. Getting close he whispered to him. "Come out side with me a second."

Shin took one last look at the two at the table before following him out the door.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Seiji asked even before Shin had a chance to turn around.

"I'm sorry it had to be revealed to you like that. I was still in shock to, so please don't take it out on me." Shin said sincerely.

"I'm doing my best not to, Shin. Although, there's another reason I asked you out here."

Shin just gave him his full attention.

"Isn't this a little soon?"

"What?"

"Look at you, Shin. I haven't seen you dress like that in a long time. Are you sure you're not just trying to smother your feelings?" Seiji asked as kindly as he could.

"Perhaps… but I know that when I get back. So will all the heart ache and problems. So, I'm not running… just taking a break."

"Make sure your break isn't too long."

"I'm not the wild type. So, there's no worry of forgetting of who I'm. What are you going to do?"

Seiji put his hands in his pockets from the cold air. "I'm not sure yet… you know I don't know you."

Shin gave him a confused look. "What do you mean?"

"For as long as I've known you… I don't know you or what you're thinking. I know you're up to some thing, Shin. I just don't see what it is yet. If you're just taking a break… then I also believe you don't love Ryo." Seiji confessed.

"Well… " Shin started to say with a smile. "Perhaps you're catching on faster than you think."

Seiji felt himself snap out of a quick trance and stepped back. Half scared of what a step forward might have done.

"What's wrong?" Shin asked feeling as though he had done some thing to offend him.

"If… if my heart didn't already belong to some one, Shin… " Seiji said as Shin stepped closer.

"I… " Seiji muffled out from behind slender fingertips.

"Shhh… don't tell me things that will never be." Shin said and went inside.

Quick glances, then shutting his eyes the room seemed to spin in a whirl of wonderment. Movements and music twined together. Made the floor move beneath him. Slight bumps and nudges pushed next and near him. Letting him know this wasn't just a quick daydream of a night, long deserved.

The beat of the music pulsed through his veins and he felt he was possessed by the passion of the vibrations. Sweet and innocent, flames of his other love wrapped its arms around him and took him away for the night. Leading him on to what he needed. Something he called getting away, a break or something of a distraction. Perhaps what he also thought of in his crashing waves of frustration and becoming just part of a crowed. Synchronized with the heated bodies of the dance floor a place of another dimension.

Some place that he could slip away and be nobody, but him. A place where there were so many, that it was just him. It was peace and solitude to him where nothing could touch him. Like the waters jumping off a cliff. This is what it felt like to be the raging waters of passion with out doubt… with out fear.

To his surprise he suddenly felt hands roaming on top the leather and silk that covered his slender physique. In shock he let them explore as the music turned the room inside out. Where, when and why all faded into the lights of the smoked out room. Letting the hands and owner devour him in a tango of lust and burning want. Turning the singed image of a face he loved so dearly into ashes and blow away into the night of silent activities.

A giant thud hit the table slapping cards that had keen eyes locked on target.

"You're cheating!" Shuu growled realizing what had just happened.

"Did not! This pile is mine fair and square." Touma said as he started to pull the pile closer to him.

"No, you can't keep your hand that close to the cards."

"Stop crying about it and put a card down." Touma said as he organized his cards.

Back and fourth the cards went down and the speed picked up. Ace, Queen, Three, Nine, King… Four. Tension grew as they waited for the Jack to make his appearance. The laughter of the two at the table faded in his mind as thoughts ran in and out of his concern. Ryo just stared out the window waiting for his friend to return as the others were at the table. Two playing a friendly game of Slap Jack and the other watching with his tea in hand and as usual in his thinking state of quietness.

"He's okay, Ryo." Seiji said with out looking at him.

"Yeah, he just needed to get out." Shuu said as he flipped another card.

"It's been almost three days." Ryo said turning his attention to them.

"He'll probably be home tonight, Ryo. You know he would never leave us or anything and he knows how to take care of himself." Seiji added to the conversation.

"What if it's my fault?" Ryo said looking at the floor.

Touma stopped and put his cards down. Looking over to his lover he stood up and went over to him.

Quietly he asked him a question. "Do I stand a chance?" Touma asked and looked at him with sincerity.

Ryo returned his look and answered with his heart. "More than him." He whispered.

Touma felt an assurance slip over him and he turned around. "Where would he go?"

"What? You're going out to look for him?" Shuu asked as he got up.

"Why not? He has been gone a while now."

"What if he needs to be alone." Seiji stated.

"He shouldn't make us worry while doing it." Touma said as he went to get his coat.

"Then I might as well go to. More of a chance to find him… coming Seiji?" Shuu asked sliding an arm in his sleeve.

"Touma stood at the doorway zipping up the front. "So, where would he be?" He asked again.

"From the way he was dressed… " Ryo started to say, but Touma cut him off.

"Right… you stay here if he comes home, Ryo."

Ryo felt suddenly shocked and left behind not being able to do anything. "What?"

"He's right, Ryo. I have a feeling he'll be home soon anyway." Seiji said as he grabbed some keys.

"Hey… Seiji?" Shuu said sheepishly from the bottom of the stairs.

"Hmm?" He asked as he turned to look at him.

"Do you, mind if I took the umm… your bike?"

Seiji pulled the key from the chain and tossed it to him. "Nock your self out."

"See you in a bit." Shuu said as he practically ran out the door.

Seiji gave Touma and Ryo a glance. "Looks like I'm riding with you." Seiji said as he walked out the door.

Touma gave him a wink and smile. "Don't worry about it."

"What do you mean?" Ryo asked.

"I know how you feel about Seiji." Touma said as he walked to him and pulled him near. "Don't worry about it."

"I'm not… it just makes me uncomfortable." Ryo said as Touma held him.

"You know I love you… right?" Touma said as he claimed his lips.

Breaking it Ryo answered. "Yes." And smiled.

"Good… I'll prove it later tonight." He said as he grasped a firm cheek through jeans.

"I hope so." Ryo said feeling truly loved.

"And don't worry, Ryo. I know you still have feelings for him. I won't push." He said as he gave a slight kiss.

"Thanks, you don't know how much that means to me."

Touma stepped back. "Then show me later on… " He said and walked out the door.

Seiji watched Touma walk to the vehicle and get in the passenger's seat.

"Well, lets go find him and drag him home." Touma said jokingly.

Starting it up he couldn't help, but ask. "He's okay with this, right?"

"What?" Touma asked as he played with the radio and heater.

"Us being alone… he's knows I'd never pull anything, right?" He said as he pulled out of the yard.

"Of course he knows and he's okay with it. Or I wouldn't be here." Touma said as he searched stations.

"True… " Seiji said and didn't push the subject.

"Although… you have me wondering." Touma said as he sat back.

"Wondering… wondering what?"

"If this isn't some thing the three of you cooked up. Not that I'm accusing any of you or anything."

Seiji gave him a quick glance from the corner of his eye. Seeing that he was smirking and making in to a joke. Although he could also see that it was a cover up for testing the fences. "Why would we do that?" He asked.

"Just call it a thought of paranoia. I'm entitled to that since Ryo is now my partner." Touma said trying to pass off the subject.

"So, why would Shuu be in on it?" Seiji asked curiously.

"Oh I don't know… maybe because Shin is his best friend?" Another hit on the fence.

"Any one ever tell you? That your mind works over time." Seiji asked with a smile.

"All the time." He said with a slight laugh. "So, what do you think?"

"About what?"

"Are you three in on this?"

"You know me, Touma. Am I manipulative or a schemer?"

"Perhaps not… you're just crafty. Although, Shin and Shuu are." Touma tried again.

"Back up a second, Touma. Shuu maybe manipulative and Shin maybe a schemer, but Shin is also known to do things on a whim. Some times they make sense to only him, but he does see logic in it. Some times they do have logic… I'll give him that. Just because things ended up as they did… doesn't mean we have been trying to hurt the ones we care for. Not that I'm complaining that I have you all to myself right now." Seiji said as he drove.

"Okay… I'll buy that." Touma said as he switched into thinking mode.

After a few of silence Seiji looked at him again. Wondering what he was thinking up of next. "What?"

"Hmm oh nothing… "

"I don't believe you. What are you thinking now?"

"Do you remember how Shin was dressed when he left?"

A smile slid across the blonde's face. "Could any one forget?"

"He sure wasn't just out to dance."

"Is there some thing wrong with that?"

"Must I remind you that Ryo basically just broke up with him?"

"Oh yeah… so you're thinking that he's out to cover up hurt?"

"Or to hurt him." Touma said as he looked out the side window.

"I talked to Shin not too long before he left." Seiji said feeling his throat run dry.

Touma's head turned. "About what?"

"He… he's really upset over the break up. Although… this time I don't think he's interested in waiting around any more."

"I don't understand… wait for what?"

"Every thing… although, I know he's out doing some thing and not laying in an alley."

"Doing what then? Spill it."

"I don't know, Touma. If I knew I'd already be where he was. As a guess I'd think he was out to find some one else."

"Then maybe we won't find him. That is if he is with some one right now. Is that why you didn't worry about him back at home?"

"That was part of it, but I trust Shin enough. To come home even if he does have some issues."

At the house Ryo got tired of just sitting around. He needed to get things off of his mind. He went to the living room and turned up the stereo until it filled the house. Then went upstairs and dug out his favorite lounge out fit. A simple muscle shirt and cut off sweat pants and put his other clothes in the corner. He was starting to feel at ease until he heard the screen door slam. He poked his head around the corner of his door and saw Shin hanging up his jacket. He felt his body freeze and heart beat faster as nerves kicked in. Shin made his way up the stairs after looking around down stairs and stopped in mid step when he looked up to see Ryo at the top.

"So, now you come home. You know the others are out looking for you." Ryo scolded.

"I was wondering where they were." Shin smirked in response.

"So where were you all this time?" Ryo said as he stepped into the hall.

"Out… " Was all he said as he finished walking up to the top.

"No kidding, but what were you doing?"

Shin took another step closer. "Why weren't you out looking?"

"I asked first."

"So you did." Shin said as he tried to walk passed him, but his elbow was grasp onto firmly and sternly.

"Don't make me ask again." Ryo glared in demand and almost faltered when his eyes met emerald blue in his aggression. "You have every one out searching for you after being gone for nearly three days. You can at least tell me what you were doing." He scolded.

Shin jerked away from the grasp and stared right back.

"Well, tell me!" Ryo said nearly ready to beat it out of him.

Ryo blinked and suddenly felt tight grasps around his wrists held to the wall and leather against his thighs. In one swift and steady movement Shin had had him pinned to the wall. Ryo held his breath in shock… he didn't know he could move so fast. He could feel a slow burn through out his veins and passing into some thing he never thought would happen. Making him nervous and scared at the same time. Shin had him and was dominating him with out any flaw… he couldn't move. His old Shin at this time seemed… to be gone.

"Some thing… "Shin leaned into the nook of Ryo's neck and whispered into his ear. "With out you." Then let him go and started to walk away.

Ryo stood there a second stunned. In realization a wave of guilt and anger hit him. Feeling stripped of who he was and shame for letting it happen. Shin for a moment had taken away his authority and honor. On the other hand he had wished that he were more dominating in the beginning and one of the reasons he had left him. He couldn't believe that he for a second had that kind of power over him. This wasn't close to what he had ever wanted. He had loved Shin for who he was and at that single instant he wasn't him. It was though and a side that he was never on the receiving end of. This time… he felt his heart shatter at his feet and held back tears.

"You despise me… don't you?" Ryo asked before Shin got to his room.

Shin stopped and turned around to meet his gaze. Seeing that there was a very slow mist forming in his eyes. "Why do you ask?"

"You know me… well enough, to hurt me. The past few days… this has been your goal hasn't it?"

"Despise you, no. Although you thought that I was stupid enough to not know that you and Touma were together before we broke up. That… gives me reason to hate you. Hate you… how can I hate the one who drown my heart and soul in freezing mud? I was true to you… and you threw me away. The past few days haven't been me out to get you. Don't be that self-centered and paranoid. I have been out healing what you broke. Excuse me if I feel a little angry with you." Shin said and left him there in the hallway by himself.

Shutting the door Shin slid to the floor holding himself as if a deep coldness had run him through. What had happened? It was like he had snapped at him and threw every inch of his pain at him. The look in Ryo's eyes… was a look he never wanted him to know. He had hurt him and it was some thing he never wished to do. He wanted him to know what he had given up, but not like that. Not hurting him in the process.

Silent tears fell in the moonlight room. Empty and cold to him yet he felt it was the only place he could stand to be since he was there. Shin held his head with arms resting on his knees. Supporting him through what he had just done. This… place also had memories to burn. He could still see images of passion that once swept across his bed. So, he quickly looked away trying to get away from the pain that now lay there.

Ryo, fell to his bed with the door shut. Wishing every one away so he could lie there as long as he wanted. He knew the others would be home soon. They had already been gone quite a while and with out finding the one whom was down the hall. He curled up in his blankets and smothered the tears that were soaking the pillow. He held it tightly and couldn't help but cry in to it now. His body making silent sobs they were so strong. Making him near sweat and tire to a headache. He wondered if this was what Shin had felt and clutched to the linen: making his knuckles turn white. He didn't know when or how but he had fallen to the darkness of sleep and was awoke to the slight bounce of the bed.

Ryo blinked away some sleep as a dim light filled the room. He looked up to see Touma getting ready to join him.

"Hi." He said roughly.

Touma looked down at him and gave a slight smile. "Morning… " He said and Ryo looked over at the clock to see it was two in the am. They had been gone for four hours. "When did he get back?" He asked softly as he climbed under the covers with him.

"About an hour and half after you left."

"Did you two work out any thing then? What and where was he?" He asked as he caressed a hand over his lovers' side.

"… He said nothing. We just argued about it and went to our rooms. Was he up when you got home?"

"No… he was sleeping in his room." Touma said in a weird tone.

"Some thing wrong?"

"It's just he was sleeping in the middle of the floor. Like he didn't quite make it to bed."

"What?"

"Seiji is taking care of it… what happen while we were gone?"

"Nothing really… he just made it clear that I hurt him and that his being gone… had nothing to do with me."

"You make it sound like your having second thoughts." Touma said with concern.

"No… its just that he makes me feel like I hurt him on purpose."

"Well, I know you didn't… so come closer so I can hold you right."

"That's right… you have some thing to show me tonight." Ryo said feeling pain slip away.

Seiji kneeled over the broken figure beneath him. Sleeping as though he had been beat by the cruelties of the world. It made him feel bad to have to wake him again. He seemed to actually be getting some sort of peace and he didn't want to make it crumble on him, but he had to. He felt the need to get him off the floor and onto a warm bed. In the comforts that he deserved after a long day.

"Shin… Shin wake up. Let's get you into bed." Seiji whispered. "Shin… " He said as he tried to shake him slightly.

"emm… gaway…" Shin answered in a sleepy slur.

"Shin… "

"mm, ired… " He slurred again tilting to the other side.

"I know, c'mon… let me help." Seiji said still keeping enough awake to hear him.

"finne… " Shin responded as the blond supported him to the bed and let him fall back.

Seiji pulled over a leg and started to take off the boots that were laced tightly. Shin a melted mush of sleep and not caring as long as he held on to the peace of it. A boot hit the floor and made Shin jump slightly and Seiji pulled the other leg over.

"He never told me… " Shin whispered with his eyes closed and still limp.

"Told you what, Shin." He asked softly.

"The real reason…. " Shin said as the boot hit the floor.

"I thought he did?" He asked as he changed Shin's position on the bed to be correct.

"No… he was… being nice."

Seiji sat next to him and tried to remember exactly what Shin had told him happened. "He said he didn't want you?"

"yup… " Shin said as he turned towards him. "But… I know…. What it wuz."

"What was that?" Seiji asked looking at Shin in half slumber.

"Wuzn't… good 'n nuff." Shin said as he tried to wake up a bit more.

"That I don't believe. If any thing… he should be worried about him being good enough for you."

"Thanks for the thought." Shin said as he blinked away the sleep.

"Don't you dare think so low of yourself. If it's true, don't think every one thinks that. Let alone yourself."

"To think I'd have Seiji on my side." Shin laughed slightly.

"Don't get used to it." Seiji said kindly and twirled a slight auburn curl around his fingertips.

Quietness hit the room when they realized what the blond was doing. Then it broke. "I admire your strength and chivalry. It's something I lack." Shin said sincerely. "It's what… draws me to you." He added.

Small noises started to seep through the walls from up the hallway. In the odd silence it was easy to hear. Familiar voices of those that were with some one else. Sharing what was forbidden with them at this time. They had made their choice and it was clear from the sounds.

Seiji diverted the noises with thought and went back to what he was told. It was some thing no one had ever told him before. Something that he worked hard at but no one noticed. They thought it came naturally, but it didn't. Some thing he had to learn and work at until it was just so. Until it was at the point that no one noticed. It was just a part of who he was and noting to be noticed.

"You're not weak… and you do have chivalry. You just have to look deeper than you have been. I see it… why can't you?"

"I have nothing, but tears… and I break at every moment of discord. That's not strength."

"I admire you, Shin."

"Why?… there's nothing to be admired in me."

"You live your life on your sleeve… you let those tears fall even though you feel weak. I can't do that. I've lived behind a mask that others need or expected. You have a strength I lack. Something I been trained not to have. My heart breaks when Touma treats me like just another friend. Yet I laugh and act like just a friend. You… you make your-self known. You… have such a heart that is only strong when it cries. Then it's fearsome and shows just who you are. Ryo is wrong if he thinks that's not good enough."

"I don't know what to do any more, Seiji. It hurts so much to stay here. I know if I go… it'll be here when I get back. I don't want to leave for good. I don't want to stay here if it hurts this much and it's just the start of many nights like this. I… just want it to end."

Seiji's heart felt it stopped at the words that he was hearing. He felt the room spin around him and he felt a sudden jolt of pain burst through his chest. "I couldn't bare it if you left like that." Seiji sputtered out in panic. "I know no one could… " Seiji said as a he felt a heat trail down his face. Making him instantly drop his head and out of sight so he couldn't see his face.

"I know… that's why… That's why I have a flight out in a week." Shin said plainly.

"What?"

"I'm going home." Shin said again.

"So, you're going to leave me alone. And here you were the only one who understood. Please… you are my strength right now."

"Then it looks like I lose no matter what I do."

"No, no… go. Just… "

"Just what?"

"Keep in touch with me… like I said. If my heart didn't already belong to some one else. I would have… gone after you."

"Then… with this understanding… save me. Just for tonight. Save me from this emptiness that's tearing me apart."