Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Two Thingies of DOOM ❯ Moonbeam and Weed ( Chapter 4 )

Chapter Four: Moonbeam and Weed

[Eggman, Gordon, and Shadow are walking along the plains of Rohan.]

Eggman: (Still singing)…make me so HORNY!

Shadow: Stop singing.

Eggman: Uh-uh, sista! The E-dog is in da HOUSE!

Shadow: (Shaking head) For the 5,271 time, YOU ARE NOT BLACK!

Eggman: Oh. Sorry.

[Suddenly, Eggman, Gordon, and Shadow are surrounded by the Riders of Rohan from Chapter Three, led by…Ryudo from Grandia II! Ingenious!]

Ryudo: I'm so depressing. Why is there a hedgehog, a grown man in a Halloween costume and a fat egg shaped weirdo here? You're not a traveling band of queers are you?

Shadow: Uh…no, we're not "queers". We're looking for some friends.

Ryudo: I should kill you. I have no friends!! Waaaaaaa….

[The Riders of Rohan draw their blades. Gordon retaliates by pulling out a sniper rifle and sticking the end right in Ryudo's nose.]

Ryudo: Awkward, yet depressing. *sniff*

Shadow: Is there anyone here not terminally depressed?

Skye (You know? The idiot bird? Yeah. Him.): I'm not depressed, but I do talk out of my ass. What do your friends look like?

Eggman: Mmm…parrot. Good eatin'!

Shadow: Shut up! Well, we're looking for a red asshole echidna and a white bat with enormous tits.

Ryudo: (Still with sniper rifle in nose) Enormous tits? I'm never going to get laid! So depressing!

Skye: Enormous tits, you say?

Eggman: They were being carried away by Uruk-hai that smelled of beans.

Random Rohan Dude 1: Told you it wasn't me!

Skye: We killed them all last night, about one mile west from here.

Ryudo: I wish somebody would just have sex with me! I'm so desperately lonely…

Shadow: Thanks. We'll be going now.

[Gordon extricates his sniper rifle from Ryudo's head. Eggman, Gordon, and Shadow walk off. After a few minutes of walking they reach the spot where the Uruk-hai were all massacred.]

Shadow: It does smell like beans.

Eggman: And burning flesh.

[The group looks around for a few minutes, but is unable to find any evidence of Rouge and Knuckles still being alive.]

Shadow: They…they're dead. And I never returned Knuckles' porno! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[Shadow kicks a helmet on the ground, and then falls on the ground clutching his toe.]

Shadow: MY TOES!! MY FUCKING TOES!! [Censored] [Censored]-head! Hey, wait. Now I can keep Knuckles' porn! Yes!

[Shadow gets up and does some kind of (really crappy) victory dance.]

Eggman: You know, maybe this will solve our problems.

[Eggman is pointing towards a piece of paper that reads: We're in the forest, Love, K-t-E & R-t-B.]

Shadow: Fangorn Forest? What madness drove them in there?

Eggman: I'm going to say it was probably Knuckles' mind shattering stupidity.

Shadow: Probably. But Fangorn is the home of the most feared creatures in the universe…the Hippies of Middle-Earth…

[The Twilight Zone music plays.]

Eggman: I hear they got good weed!

Shadow: Indeed!

[The camera pans deep into the forest where Knuckles and Rouge are running away from the now dead Uruk-hai force.]

Knuckles: Now why did we enter this really creepy forest again?

Rouge: So that you didn't become bald, and I didn't become Mario's sex slave!

Knuckles: What's that? You want to be my sex slave?

Rouge: Don't even start!

[Suddenly, Random Uruk-hai Dude starts chasing them, and for some idiot reason, Knuckles climbs up a tree and leaves Rouge to fight the Uruk Dude.]

Rouge: Wussy!

Random Uruk-hai Dude: I think I'll eat your breasts! They look like melons!

Knuckles: (From in the tree) They sure are melons!

Rouge: Some help you are!

[The camera pans to Knuckles, in the tree. He looks around, scared, and the tree opens its eyes.]

Knuckles: AGGH!

[The "tree" stands up and steps on Random Uruk-hai Dude, and picks up Rouge.]

Rouge: Hey! This is an Ent!

Knuckles: Don't talk to it! Maybe it hasn't seen us!

Rouge: IT'S HOLDING US IN A DEATH GRIP! OF COURSE ITS SEEN US!

Moonbeam (The "tree"): I AM NO ENT! I AM A HIPPIE OF MIDDLE-EARTH!

Knuckles: That explains the smell…

Moonbeam: The smell? I haven't showered since '62! Plus, I have way too much weed in the system…or is it too little weed? Deep.

Rouge: PUT US DOWN YOU REEKING FREAK!

Moonbeam: Reeking? You must work for The Man. Only the Establishment cares about smell.

Knuckles: Who in hell is "The Man"?

Moonbeam: He comes here, chopping down trees to make "houses" and fuel "stoves" and build "cars".

Knuckles: Hey! We do that!

Rouge: YOU IDIOT!

Moonbeam: (Tightening his grip) YOU WORK FOR THE MAN? HOW DARE YOU INTRUDE UPON THIS SACRED LAND?

Knuckles: Not so tight…

Rouge: You…you're crushing…my breasts…(faints)

Knuckles: I'd…like to…crush…Rouge's…br…(faints)