Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Two Thingies of DOOM ❯ The King of the (Slightly Rusted) Beer Hall ( Chapter 8 )

Chapter Eight: The King of the (Slightly Rusted) Beer Hall

[Eggman, Gordon, Shadow, and Luigi ride to the hall of the Rohan King. As the camera pans along the hall, the king's niece, Samus, stands outside looking moody, staring off at the approaching people.]

Eggman: Who's the hot chick?

Luigi: She is-a Samus. Thousands of-a men have-a fallen in-a love with her. She has-a rejected them all.

Eggman: Heh. She won't reject me once I unleash my mojo! YEAH BABY, YEAH!

Shadow: Yep. A hot chick is going to fall in love with a lard ass like you.

Eggman: My ass is made of lard? Damn, my whole life in search of lard and I got, like, 20 tons back there.

[As Eggman attempts to bite his ass, Eggman, Gordon, Shadow, and Luigi ride towards the Hall of the Rohan. At the entrance of the Beer Hall, several guards walk up to them.]

Guard 1: I'm going to ask you to drop all your weapons in this tray.

[Guard 1 holds out a small tray.]

Shadow: I don't have weapons, but my mute friend here (points to Gordon) is going to need one hell of a larger tray.

Guard 2: What can he have that wont fit in this?

[Gordon motions angrily then drops the following on the ground: crowbar, Glock 9 mm, .357 magnum, Spas-12, Mp-5 with grenade launcher, fragmentation grenades, satchel charges, trip mines, RPG launcher, sniper crossbow, gauss gun, gluon gun, Thornet launcher, snarks, a wrench, barnacle gun, .357 Desert Eagle, M-249 SAW, displacer gun, shock rifle, spore launcher, assault rifle, flak cannon, lightning gun, minigun, rocket launcher, biorifle, link gun, the Redeemer, H&K Mark 23, FN Five-seveN, H&K P-10, Smith & Wesson 340 PD, Beretta M92F, Glock 17, Sig Sauer P-225 Para, Batter M82A1, Dragunov, L96A1, Parker Hale M82, Barret M99, Mossberg 500 Mariner, Mossberg 590 Tactical, Colt M16, FN FNC, FAMAS, Colt Commando, SA80, Uzi, AUG PARA, FN P90, MAC 10, Barret M12, GPMG, HK21, M2 Browning, H&K G36, stun grenades, flashbangs, and tons of extra ammo for all of the above weaponry. Where he fits all of this is beyond me.]

Guard 1: Well…um…you can enter now…

[The guards open the gates. Inside are a bunch of drunk and rowdy Rohan people partying, including the Two Evil Mofos. The king looks withered and old, or just possibly hungover. To the King's left is Mario's agent who has slowly corrupted the king: Lumina Flowlights of Sonic Shuffle! The King is supposed to be Duff Man, but under the influence of Lumina, he has turned into the weaker form known as Barry Duffman. As anyone who has ever seen the Simpsons knows, Duff Man does a Hip Thrustâ"¢ after every sentence. Eggman, Gordon, Shadow, and Luigi walk towards the King.]

Cervantes: (Drunk off his ass) Arrrr…..*hic*…..arrr….(falls)

Megabyte: (Yelling, also drunk beyond all reason) Hey! Itssss….thosssse… ..*hic*….guys!!! I loooOOOoooove you!!! (faints)

[Eggman, Gordon, Shadow, and Luigi reach the King.]

Luigi: King-a of-a the-a Rohan!

Lumina: (Leaning towards the King) This is the wizard Luigi. He's evil. And Italian. I'm repeating myself aren't I?

Barry Duffman: Duff Man is so wasted…

Luigi: You-a have-a corrupted the-a King of-a Rohan for-a long enough!

[Luigi pulls out a…plunger and pops on Barry Duffman's head.]

Lumina: Help! Guards! Defend the King!

[Several guards rush at the King, put are easily knocked out by E/G/S. Suddenly, the color starts to return to Barry Duffman's face, after a few seconds he looks like Duff Man again.]

Duff Man: Duff Man feeling better! Yeah! Where is Duff Man's signature headgear?

[Luigi hands Duff Man his Duff Hat and the Duff Belt. Duff Man looks at Lumina.]

Duff Man: Duff Man King was fooled by you! Oh no!

Lumina: I was helping you! Really!

Duff Man: Duff Man banishes you from Rohan!

Lumina: But…

Duff Man: Duff Man thrusting hips towards exit!

[Saddened, Lumina leaves and rides back to Orthanc.]

Duff Man: Duff Man can't thank you enough for freeing him!

Samus: (Running in) Uncle! You're less drunk than usual!

Duff Man: Possibly! Duff Man is always somewhat drunk!

[Samus runs to Duff Man and hugs him. It's a very heartwarming moment. I think.]

Guard 1: My King, it is a happy moment to have you with us again, but your son was killed by Orcs only two days ago.

Duff Man: No! Duff Lad! Why was Duff Man not there to save his son Duff Lad?

Luigi: There was-a nothing you-a could-a do.

Duff Man: Oh. Duff Man will now hold a funeral for his son, Duff Lad. Oh yeah!

[Everyone is outside, and Duff Lad's coffin is being taken to the burial mound.]

Megabyte: It's those guys we have to kill!

[The Evil Mofos, Eggman, Gordon, Shadow, and Luigi start talking.]

Cervantes: (Excited) Arr! Arr! ARR! ARR!

Eggman: Easy! Calm down!

Megabyte: Nice to see you again!

Shadow: Yeah. If you could kill us, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

[They start laughing. Everyone else at the funeral turns to stare at them.]

Duff Man: You think the death of Duff Man's son, Duff Lad, is funny?

Luigi: Not-a really…

Duff Man: Oh. Sorry, Duff Man is consumed by grief. Oh no!

[Samus walks up to Eggman and pokes him in the back.]

Samus: You! Assholes!

Eggman: Hey baby! You want to get it on? Like right here, right now?

Samus: How about when Hell freezes over?

Shadow: BURNED!

Samus: And you! Laughing during my cousin's funeral! You should be tied in a cage!

Shadow: Again?

Eggman: How about I tie you in a cage?

Samus: How about I stick my foot in your ass?

Eggman: How about…(pause)…I'm all out.

Samus: I hope your genitals turn to metal, rust, and fall off!

Shadow: BURNED!

[Samus stalks away from the Mofos and E/G/S/L.]

Eggman: She's hot for me!

Luigi: I-a think-a she is-a too-a hot for-a you to-a handle.

Shadow: BURNED!

Megabyte: SHUT UP!

Shadow: W…Aren't you supposed to be trying to kill us?

Cervantes: Arr! Arr!

Megabyte: We were, but it got boring. We're on your side now!

Shadow: Our side is so screwed.

[Duff Man walks over to the people.]

Duff Man: Duff Man wonders what to do next.

Shadow: Well, we're supposed to go to a place called "Helm's Deep".

Eggman: Screw that! Let's get drunk!

[Everyone wanders inside the Beer Hall to get drunk.]