Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Two Thingies of DOOM ❯ The Rohan Get Moving…FINALLY ( Chapter 9 )

Chapter Nine: The Rohan Get Moving…FINALLY

[The celebration has died down. Currently Eggman, Gordon, Shadow, Cervantes, Megabyte and Luigi are in the Beer Hall with Duff Man and Samus. Luigi is talking to Duff Man.]

Luigi: Mario will-a kill of-a your people!

Duff Man: What should Duff Man do?

Eggman: Give your niece to meeeeAAAAGGGGHHHH!!

[Eggman's demands are stopped short by a powerful kick to the nards by Samus.]

Eggman: (Clutching balls) SWEET BABY JESUS! THE PAIN! LIVING HELL! SOMEONE SLAP SOME LARD ON THE INJURY!

Shadow: Everyone stand back! No one give him any lard! He'll just eat it!

Eggman: GOD ABOVE! I WON'T! MY POOR NUTS! THE PAIN IS BEYOND DESCRIPTION! WHY WON'T YOU GIVE ME SOME LARD?

Shadow: I really just think it's funny to watch you suffer.

Eggman: (Lunging at Shadow) WHY YOU LITTLE!

Cervantes: (Ducking out of the way) ARR! ARR!

[As the commotion continues, Luigi and Duff Man continue to talk.]

Luigi: You-a must-a lead your-a people in war! Fight-a back!

Duff Man: Duff Man is a coward! Oh yeah! Duff Man will retreat to Helm's Deep! Oh yeah!

Luigi: But-a all of-a your-a people will-a be-a massacred!

[Behind the King and Luigi, the brawl is continuing. At the moment, Eggman is swinging a mace and chasing Shadow around. Everyone else is chanting, except Samus who has wandered off.]

Eggman: I'll mace you good!

Duff Man: In that case, Duff Man will get drunk on the way over! HELL YEAH!

[Luigi shakes his head in despair. Cut to Luigi and pals in the stable where Yoshi was tied.]

Luigi: The-a King is-a scared to-a fight. You must-a go with-a him and help his-a people.

Megabyte: Where are you going?

Luigi: To-a strip club! I-a mean it-a is-a mystery! I-a will be at Helm's Deep, five-a days from now, at-a dawn!

[Luigi mounts Yoshi, and rides off. Everyone is now outside and the Rohan are leaving.]

Shadow: What a wussy! He can stand here and beat the snot out of Mario's army, but he just runs away!

Duff Man: Duff Man is right behind you! Oh yeah!

Shadow: Oh shit.

Duff Man: Duff Man will whoop your ass! Oh yeah!

[The screen blackens and then lightens. The Rohan are still riding towards Helm's Deep. Shadow, who is in obvious pain, is clutching his just-whooped ass. Eggman is attempting to hit on Samus.]

Eggman: And then I just went "Swoosh" and blasted the living hell out of that evil hedgehog!

Samus: I'm going to guess that what really happened was this: Sonic destroyed all your robots, all your boss machines, got the seven chaos emeralds, and kicked your sorry ass. Am I right?

Eggman: Well…it depends on whose viewpoint your looking from. To an outsider it looks like I was totally destroyed, but in fact, it was a stunning victory…

[Eggman drones on, with no one really listening to him. Suddenly, Koopa forces start charging at the Rohan.]

Duff Man: Samus! Duff Man wants you to take the people to Helm's Deep! Oh yeah!

Samus: I want to fight!

Duff Man: You're a girl! You are supposed to stay home and knit! Oh yeah!

Samus: Son-of-a-bitch…

[As Samus leads the civilians away, the men and Eggman, Gordon, Shadow, Cervantes, and Megabyte start to fight the Koopa legions. Gordon opens fire with the SAW and starts blasting the living hell out of the all the Koopas.]

Shadow: Well. That was easier than I thought.

Eggman: Ha! Look at all their pathetic shells!

[Eggman kicks a shell, which starts a ricochet reaction. Thousands of Koopa shells start bouncing around.]

Megabyte: You dumb asshole! Do you even have a brain?

Shadow: THE HELL! These things are crazy!

[Before Eggman can assure everyone of his brainpower, a shell hits him in the nuts. As Eggman stumbles backwards, a second shell hits him and he falls of a cliff and into a river. Everyone goes to the edge of the cliff and peers down.]

Cervantes: Arr.

Megabyte: There's no sign of him…

Shadow: Maybe he'll float back up…

Megabyte: With all his fat, I'm going to assume he sank like a rock.

Shadow: Quite probably.

Duff Man: Duff Man is saddened, but must go to Helm's Deep! Oh yeah!

[Everyone starts to go to Helm's Deep, following the path of the civilians.]