Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Two Thingies of DOOM ❯ The Return of Lard ( Chapter 11 )

Chapter Eleven: The Return of Lard Ass

[The camera pans along a river. Eggman is floating in the river, bobbing along. After a while he washes up on shore.]

Eggman: This has not been a good day for my manhood…

[Eggman tries to get up, but fails. He goes into a dream sequence. He's setting in some chair and Samus is standing there, in a tight black dress. And I mean tight. Really tight. I mean as tight as you can get without cutting off blood circulation. Or, in other words, it leaves nothing to the imagination about the size of Samus' breasts. And no, I'm not telling you what size they are.]

Eggman: Huh?

Samus: Eggman! My lover! You're back!

Eggman: Ok, as much as I want this to be real it must be a dream…

Samus: Then it's a good dream.

[Samus walks up to Eggman, and kisses him. After a few minutes (yes, minutes) Samus pulls away.]

Samus: The hell! You almost killed me!

Eggman: Is it my fault that I like to French (or, if you prefer "Freedom") Kiss? Or that my tongue is about 2 feet long?

Samus: Even in a dream you're a crazed hormone driven sex maniac!

Eggman: You're making me feel so dirty!

Samus: Grow up!

[Samus walks to Eggman and slaps him across the face. The dream sequence suddenly ends.]

Eggman: I can't even have sex with her in my dreams…Why God, why?

[Once again, Eggman tries to lift himself up, but fails. Suddenly, a majestic…well…not really majestic…in any case, Birdo from Mario rides up, and lifts Eggman onto her back. They ride off.]

Eggman: Ooh…I am so going to wear a protective cup from now on…

[In the distance, Eggman spies Mario's army, marching to Helm's Deep.]

Eggman: SON OF A BITCH! I ALWAYS WANTED TO MAKE A TEN THOUSAND MAN STRONG ARMY! YOU STOLE MY IDEA MARIO!

[The whole army freezes and turns to look at Eggman.]

Eggman: Oh crap.

Uruk-hai Leader 2.0: What did you just say?

Eggman: That you're going to crush the Rohan!

Uruk-hai Leader 2.0: Damn straight! By the way, where's Helm's Deep? We've been looking for three days now…

Eggman: Just follow me! I'm going there myself!

[Eggman rides off at a high speed to Helm's Deep. After a few minutes pause, the Uruk-hai army follows in pursuit. By the time Eggman reaches Helm's Deep, the Uruks are about five hours behind him. Eggman reaches the gate and starts yelling towards the guards.]

Eggman: Open the door! I want in!

Shadow: Identify yourself, oh most fat stranger!

Eggman: It's me! Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik! LET ME IN YOU ASSHOLE!

Shadow: Mmm…How do I know you're the real Eggman?

Eggman: OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST! I'VE SUFFERED ABOUT 50 BALL RELATED INJURIES AND THE LACK OF LARD FOR FIVE DAYS!

Megabyte: It's him. No one else in all of Middle-Earth likes lard.

[The gates are opened, and Eggman is let in. He rides up to the King.]

Eggman: King! An army of 10,000 Uruk-hai is about to come and destroy you! Arm the people! And give me lard! LAAAAARRRRDDDDD!!!

Duff Man: Duff Man will arm his people! OH YEAH!

Eggman: Er-hm…MY LARD?

Duff Man: Duff Man has no lard here! Oh no!

Eggman: CURSE YOU MARIO! YOU'VE TRAPPED ME IN A LARD FREE ZONE!

Megabyte: You know this may be a good time to kick the habit…

Eggman: Don't you see? I've tried everything! Lard patches! Fake lard! Lard Gum! Cold Lard Method! Nothing works! My mommy disowned me because I was fat…

[Eggman breaks down in tears. Samus walks up to him and pats him on the back.]

Eggman: Mind if I pat you?

Samus: Yes. I do mind.

Eggman: Aww, damn.

[The camera switches to Duff Man standing in front of a door with light streaming in. Duff Man is having his Duff Armor put on by one of his lackeys. He starts to make a speech (Author's Note: Théoden's speech was just about my favorite part of Two Towers). As Duff Man speaks the camera shows scenes of the Uruk army marching to Helm's Deep, the women and children in the caves, and the people getting weapons.]

Duff Man: Where is the beer and the keg? Where is the bar that was open? They have evaporated. Like beer left in the sun, like wine left opened. The beer has gone down the drain, behind the fridge, into the sewers. Oh no…

Lackey: Stirring sir! Very moving!

Duff Man: Sure was!

[Duff Man strides out, fully armored. The men are herding the women and children into the underground storage area.]

Samus: I WANT TO FIGHT!

Duff Man: Duff Man is very sexist! Oh yeah! Duff Man won't let you fight! Oh yeah!

Eggman: You know you can always fight me…in bed!

Samus: Do I have to kick you in the nuts again?

Eggman: Kick away my sweet angel, I'm wearing a cup!

[Samus kicks. The sound of metal shattering rings through the air. Eggman falls down, whimpering in pain. Samus storms off to the storage area.]

Eggman: Oh shit.

Shadow: Maybe you should upgrade to titanium.

Megabyte: Or diamonds…

Eggman: Ooh. That was a titanium cup…

Cervantes: (Making very rude back-and-forth hand motions) Arr?

Eggman: (Looking at Cervantes) Yeah…that's one pleasure I've lost…

Shadow: WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

Megabyte: I don't want to interrupt, but does anyone realize that we're all going to die here?

Shadow: Yep. We're all doomed.

Eggman: (Still on the ground) Eggman jr.? Are you still there? Answer me!

Shadow: Someone gag him.

[Cervantes pulls out a chloroform laced rag and stuffs it into Eggman's mouth. Eggman promptly passes out. The scene changes to the top of the main gate. Several guards are watching the distance waiting for the Uruk-hai force. A horn blows in the distance.]

Guard 1: No…it can't be…

Guard 2: Wha-what?

Guard 1: It's a legion of the Drop Dead Sexy Elves!

Guard 2: Oh hell…

[A force of 200 of the Drop Dead Sexy Elves marches in to Helm's Deep, armed with bows and carrying their banner, which features a large…I'll leave it to your imagination. The elves walk up to Duff Man.]

Hot Elf King: Sizzling! We're here to make the female viewers all hot and bothered!

Duff Man: Uh…

Shadow: Well…make yourselves useful. Line up somewhere and shoot the Uruk-hai when they get here.

Hot Elf King: Line up! Forward thrust! March!

Duff Man: (Whispering to his lackey) Duff Man wants you to lock up the storage area. Oh yeah!

Megabyte: Yeah. The last thing we need is a storm of excited women jumping all over the elves during the middle of a battle.

Eggman: (Staggering) I won't let them near my Samus!

Samus: (Standing right behind him) What?

Eggman: Hey sexy!

[Before Samus can once again inflict great harm on Eggman, she is dragged away by some Lackeys.]

Shadow: Now the Battle for Helm's Deep will begin!

Eggman: About goddamned time.

Cervantes: Arr!

Megabyte: Why didn't I go with Luigi to the Strip Club?