Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Two Thingies of DOOM ❯ Forth Drunkards! ( Chapter 16 )

Chapter Sixteen: Forth Drunkards!

[The scene changes back to Helm's Deep. The Uruk-hai now control the outer perimeter. The Rohan have retreated to the keep.]

Shadow: Poofy…how said that you should live to see this day…

Eggman: (In a now battle damaged mech) They're going to break through soon…

Duff Man: So be it. Rohan will die fighting! Oh yeah!

Megabyte: DIE?! If I'd known about this I wouldn't have switched sides.

Eggman: You know, we could ride out in one last suicidal charge. We would get massacred but, in true movie fashion, about ten of us will hold off the full Uruk-hai force. (Question: How in hell does that work in movies? 10 against 10,000? They should be massacred! Discuss.)

Shadow: (Real dramatic) The sun is rising!

Megabyte: REALLY?

**Flashback**

Luigi: To-a strip club! I-a mean it-a is-a mystery! I-a will be at Helm's Deep, five-a days from now, at-a dawn!

**End Flashback**

Megabyte: Stupid, stupid, stupid! We didn't I go to the strip club with Luigi?

Eggman: So…are we riding out or not?

Duff Man: Oh yeah! The horn of Duff the Elder will sound again! Oh yeah!

Shadow: YES! YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!

[Awkward silence.]

Megabyte: It's a happy moment Shadow, not a sexual experience.

Shadow: Oh.

Megabyte: NOW BLOW THAT HORN! BLOW IT LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BLOWN ANYTHING BEFORE!

Shadow: I haven't. Why the else would I be bitching about dieing a virgin?

Eggman: JUST BLOW!

[As Shadow runs up the steps to the Horn of Duff the Elder, Megabyte, Cervantes, Eggman, Gordon Freeman, Duff Man, and a few other guys get on horses and prepare to ride out.]

Duff Man: DRUNKARDS AWAKE! NOW FOR BOOZE! NOW FOR DUFF! AND ONE HELL OF A HANGOVER! FORTH DRUNKARDS!

[Shadow reaches the horn and blows.]

Horn: BBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!

[Everyone pauses to contemplate the farting sound of the horn. The Drunkards crash out of the gates. Duff Man is swinging his sword, Eggman is launching rockets, Cervantes is slicing, Megabyte is dicing, and Gordon is just plain old shooting the living hell out of everyone.]

Lone Uruk-hai 2: NOT GOOD! NOT GOOD!

Duff Man: FORTH DRUNKARDS! FORTH!

[The Drunkards ride out of Helm's Deep and towards the core of the Uruk-hai force. Duff Man looks up and sees Luigi standing on the top of the slope near Helms Deep. Luigi looks a little out of it and has a thong wrapped around his hat.]

Luigi: Am I-a on-a time? DUFF MAN KING STANDS ALONE!

Ryudo: (Suddenly appearing) No, not alone. Even though I'm alone…*sniff*

Skye: Shut it. CHARGE!

[Luigi, Ryudo and two thousand horsemen charge down at the Uruk-hai army, with the sun at their backs. The light blinds the Uruk-hai who run away screaming, right into the new forest (You know? The trees that moved? Well, they're here now) which EATS them. Somehow. That part never made sense to me.]

Duff Man: VICTORY FOR ROHAN! OH YEAH!

[The scene quickly changes to Isengard, where the Hippies are beating the hell out of Mario's Minions. Knuckles and Rouge are on the ground fighting random minions of Evil.]

Knuckles: That makes 43 kills!

Rouge: 44!

Knuckles: (Whiny) That's not fair! I want 44 kills!

Moonbeam: RELEASE THE RIVER! YEAH!

[Several Hippies pull on the dam Mario built. The dam bursts and sends water gushing towards Isengard.]

Moonbeam: Come on little peoples! Jump on my shoulders! Before you're swept away! By the power of Mother Nature!

[Knuckles and Rouge clamber onto Moonbeam's shoulders just as the water arrives, dousing out the flames of Mario's factory. Mario himself leans out of one of the windows in his tower.]

Mario: ROTTEN-A KIDS! I'M-A GONNA SUE-A YOUR-A ASSES OFF! MY-A LAWYER WILL-A HEAR OF-A THIS!

[Mario retreats into Orthanc.]

Moonbeam: You know what? We just fought a war and we won. And no one died! You know, maybe we we're wrong! Maybe there is such a thing as a just war!

Sue: WHAT?! THERE IS NEVER A JUST WAR! I'LL HAVE TO SPEND THE NEXT SIX DAYS GETTING HIGH JUST TO WIPE OUT THE MEMOR…

[Moonbeam pulls out a semi-automatic shotgun and shoots Sue squarely in the head.]

Moonbeam: Dirty Hippie...

Rouge: I told you that about 10 chapters ago.

Moonbeam: You know what? I want stuff! I'm sick of being a Hippie! I'm tired of being the butt of endless jokes! DOWN WITH THE HIPPIES!

[The Ex-Hippies start rejoicing.]

Moonbeam: From now on call me…Mr. Anderson!

Knuckles: Uh Moonbe…Mr. Anderson…uh…that name is probably already trademarked.

Mr. Anderson: Whoa.

Rouge: Oh no! Taking the name Mr. Anderson has cursed him with Keanu Reeves' acting abilities!

Knuckles: NOOOOOOO!!! WHY DO THE GOOD ACT SO BAD?!

Mr. Anderson: It's ok. I'm fine. We won, and the worlds a better place…even though we fought…huh. Crappy hippie ideology.

[The…Ex-Hippies, Knuckles, and Rouge celebrate their victory.]

Mr. Anderson: But seriously, you were scronking last night.

Knuckles: THANK YOU! THANK YOU GOD!

Rouge: No….it can't be…

Mr. Anderson: I'm still messin' with you!

Rouge: That is a sick joke to play.

Knuckles: WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME?! I JUST WANT TO GET LAID!!

Mr. Anderson: Whoa.

[The scene darkens. Or as Keanu Reeves might say, "Whoa".]