Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Lost Purpose ❯ insights ( Chapter 8 )

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A familiar voice, invading in the darkness. Pleading, no demanding attention.

'Yohji.'

Wasn't that his name? Warm rain splashing in his face.

'I love you.'

Bright lights and violet eyes, glittering like wet amethysts in the light. Dreaming. He was dreaming again.

'I love you.'

When would it ever end? The never-ending dream of violet eyes and craved love, never to reach. He was so tired. Tired of all of it.

'I love you.'

Echoes of words spoken. That was new in his dreams. He had to smile. He liked that dream.

'I love you.'

A small, uneasy feeling of doubt invaded suddenly his mind, before darkness claimed him again.

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A steady tone. Soft music. A deep voice, constant and soothing, sound familiar and loved. A feeling, warm and peaceful. No, don't stop.

'I love you.'

Darkness.

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A steady tone. Soft music. A comfortable, warm weight on his shoulder, side and his waist. A nice, well-known scent was invading his nostrils.

'I love you.'

He had dreamed this, hadn't he? He had thought he died and dreamed. But he wasn't dead. He felt. He smelled. He heard. He was alive. Slowly he opened his eyes. Bright daylight blended him, caused him to blink heavily. Turning his head slowly sideward, bright red hair invaded his sight. The pleasant scent intensified. He inhaled deep. Ran. Ran was here with him. He had come back. Unconscious his hand crept up to lie on Ran's, whose arm lay across his waist. Felt the warm skin. Ran was here. Here with him.

'I love you.'

But … Ran had found someone other. He had said so. Hadn't he? An eminent pain shot through him, his chest suddenly felt cramped like by an iron band. His head thumped wildly in his chest, blood pulsed violently in his neck, and his ears rang. Why was he still alive? Suddenly Ran's head had come up. He stared at Yohji, while shifting to his knees on his side. "Yohji?"

"You really are here." He had trouble to speak through his choking pain and was started, as Ran put his hand gingerly on his cheek.

"Yes."

"I dreamt," Yohji murmured and swallowed, "that you had come back. I dreamt you were there." He exhaled slowly.

"No. … no dream."

Yohji furrowed his brows, looked up to the ceiling. He had to know. To know, why he still was alive, why Ran still was here. "So … you actually came back. You forgot something?" He was surprised, that he could still sound so calm, despite his turmoil inside.

He listened to what Ran had to tell him. And the more he talked, the more it sunk in what he said, the more irritated he got. What was it, what Ran told him? Had he put him to all this misery, only because Ran was doubting him, afraid? God. He felt emotional drained. Cold fury boiled up in his gut, mixed with the sense of betrayal and frantic pain. "You bastard." His fist connected with Ran's jaw and sent him almost in a somersault to the floor. Expecting confrontation, he was stunned that Ran instead stayed on his hands and knees on the floor, head hanging, defeated. He watched Ran slowly heaving his head, and was taken aback by the openly displayed, desperate expression on his face. Covering his eyes with his forearm he hid the tears, threatening to spill out of them. Again. He never had cried this much before Ran had left him. Especially never in company. But now the tears came so easily.

"Yes, I am. But I do love you."

"Get out." He had to think. He had to be alone. He had to sort this mess out.

"Yohji…"

"GET. OUT." He yelled, just as the door opened and a nurse stepped in. She looked with big eyes from one to the other, and before she was able to say something, Ran had slipped behind her out of the door. A new pang of pain shot through him. What, if Ran doesn't come back this time? He leaned back and closed his eyes. Ignoring the nurse, removing the IV and electrodes, he began thinking in earnest.

So, Ran had been unsure about Yohji's feelings for him, like he had been unsure about Ran's feelings. But Ran had never told him what he felt, while he had done so. Often. Vague he remembered a fight they had one time, long ago, and Ran's remark 'The words of a playboy like you are unreliable.' Seemed that Yohji had been caught in his own disguise of carelessness and playfulness; the mask Ran knew for so long as Yohji's real face. Unable to show him his true self; especially when he told him his love. 'I noted you become uneasy.' Ran had been right. He had become uneasy. But not about the reason Ran had thought. He had become uneasy, because Ran had never told him if he loved him. He had begun fearing Ran could never really love him, stayed only out of obligation. Feared, he had again fallen in a trap, a trap by his own emotions, craving love, driven by the need to be kept. He had begun to fear he had fruitless fallen deeply in love again.

But now he began to wonder, if he also was deceived by a disguise, a mask Ran wore. He recalled events, Ran watching him carefully and thoughtful when he thought he didn't notice. Ran doing little things, like bringing him cigarettes from grocery shopping, despite Ran hated the smell of smoke in the apartment, short before he self noticed he had almost run out of them. Or, presenting fresh coffee in the morning, although Ran only drank tea. Of Ran covering him with a blanket when he had fallen asleep on the couch, while Ran was reading. And other little things.

They had begun their 'relationship' nearly at the end of their cramped adventure in the van. One of these days, Yohji meanwhile felt extremely uneasy, unhappy, dejected and tried to cover this by almost daily bar hopping events, Ran had picked him up from a bar. It was almost dawn and Yohji was miserable and extremely drunk, dancing by himself in midst of the rapidly thinning crowd to the beat of the hammering music. Suddenly Ran was there. He had slung his arms around Yohji's waist, trying despite the struggling to get him out. However, suddenly the music had slowed down and somehow they were leisurely dancing together. And Yohji had felt content for the first moment in a very long time. Felt safe, with the strong arms around him. He had leaned his forehead against Ran's while dancing, and out of the blue they were kissing. A slow careful exploring kiss at first, a lightly nipping, a pressing of lips against the other, rapidly extending to a deep openmouthed kiss, tongues battling and exploring. And it had felt right.

They were finally stumbling out of the bar into a small alley, not quiet hidden by the slowly approaching daylight, wildly kissing and fumbling, and Yohji felt unbelievable horny and wild with lust. He had Ran pressed against a wall, their hands groping with the flies of their trousers, and suddenly he had Ran's erect and hard cock in his hand and begun stroking him. He moaned in Ran's mouth, as he felt at the same time a tight grip around his own jerking erection, and the sensation of firm strokes. God, how good that had felt. It took not long at all, until he felt the sensation of the tingling in his groin, the first sign of his approaching climax, the gathering of pressure in his balls, their heaving against his torso. He broke the kiss as he felt suddenly the hand on his shoulder tighten in a bruising grip, Ran's body stiffen, and watched enraptured the arching of his spine, head tilt back against the wall. Watched violet eyes, wide open and unfocussed, darkened by dilated pupils and felt the slight pulsing in his hand as Ran soundless and shuddering came all over Yohji's hand and shirt. He was so beautiful in that moment of bliss. All of a sudden, his own vision went white and he groaned deeply, as he self spurted his semen in a powerful climax between their bodies, mixing it with Ran's. His body jerked against Ran's as he came and came, aftershocks almost as potent. There seemed to be no end. He rolled side wards off Ran, leaning himself against the wall and slowly slid down on it, heavy panting. "Oh," was all he could muster to say, and "wow."

He must have passed out then or so; all he could remember afterwards was being woken by his alarm clock, remembering him of his afternoon shift, on his cot in the van with one of his, meanwhile familiar and usual, headaches and the bad taste of a lot of consumed alcohol in his mouth. Ran must have dragged him home. However, he was sure that this nightly - or early morning - encounter was not only an alcohol-indulged fantasy. The evidence of a set of blue finger marks on his shoulder and the stiff remains of smeared and dried semen on his clothes proved it. The passionate encounter was burned deep in his mind despite his earlier drunken state. Somehow, during the night, it had occurred to him that this was what he sought, no, needed. Suddenly it was all crystal clear. Unconscious he had sought Ran's company all the time he had known him. He remembered the empty, lost feeling he had after they disbanded. All the small occasions popped in his mind, him watching Ran constantly, noting and reacting to almost all of his small habits, ever knowing his state of mind by the set of his brows when he frowned to himself, or the set of his mouth, by his posture. Or him teasing Ran mercilessly, more than he ought to do; or looming on the couch and watching TV while Ran nearby read one of his books, the mostly fruitless attempts of conversations, even the stifling of his urge to go for a smoke when he was so comfortable around Ran. And all the small pangs of disappointment, the dejected feelings when he got only a glare in return. Or a brush off. Or no reaction at all. Somehow, he had fallen in love with Ran. And he didn't know what to do about it.

Smiling wistfully at the memory he leaned back in his pillow.

He had not seen Ran all day after this little occurrence, not once. But suddenly in the evening, Yohji was sprawled on the grass outside the van, musing and smoking from his third pack that day, Ran had stood beside him. Posture stiff, and without knowing if Yohji even remembered, he had apologized seriously for him losing control in an unforgivable manner, for thoughtless taking advantage of a situation. And as he asked firmly if there was anything, he could additional do to restore Yohji's honor, despite him leaving the team in shame, all Yohji could do was stare back. Speechless. He had then motioned to Ran to sit down, who hesitantly had finally done so. Reluctant. Stiff. Embarrassed. Face blank and lips pressed in a tight line. Clearly expecting to be on trial. It took Yohji a long time, to convince Ran, that he wanted him to stay, that there was no reason at all for him to leave. That there was nothing at all to apologize for, that he wasn't nearly that drunk the night before to not having actively participated, and that he had known all the time what they did. And that he had wanted it, too. And finally, that he had no objections at all, when they did it again, sometimes, and more.

Ran was clearly astonished at that last declaration, unbelieving he had stared at Yohji. Who had done his best, to appear composed and calm, despite his inner turmoil. He had just proposed to Ran. God. He couldn't believe it himself. But Ran had only looked thoughtful and after a while nodded once. "Thank you," was all, he said before he got up and disappeared. And afterwards everything was back to normal. Ran was back to being Ran. Yohji was back to watching. Nothing happened between them, although Yohji tried to be good and stayed a full week away from his nightly habits. After that uneventful week, again sleepless and lonely tossing and turning on his cot, he decided that what had happened between them was only a one-night stand for Ran. He got up and slipped into his jeans, deciding to take a smoke. Tomorrow evening he would go out again, slipping in the space of alcohol indulged dumbness. He sat there, leaned against a tree, cigarette long gone and stared up to the dark sky with its sparkling stars. Suddenly Ran was there, clad only in his pants, as if he was. Wordless sitting down beside Yohji it took him a long while, before he asked if that, what Yohji said the other day, was meant so. And as Yohji answered, that no, of course not, because he proposed to his team-mates every other day or so, he got up to his knees and kissed him. And Yohji slid his arms around him and kissed him back, for all he was worth. It took not long at all, they were rolling around on the grass, kissing, fondling, humping against each other, and Yohji discovered that Ran quite nicely responded, especially when he turned the attention to his nipples. Like they were hotwired to his cock.

Although they got each other off that night, it took them a few more encounters until they got to the 'real thing'. Ran had him squirming and writhing on the couch as he suddenly whispered in Yohji's ear, "I want to fuck you." Abruptly sobered, Yohji reluctantly confessed that he had never done so before with a man, and Ran had smiled. It was the first time Yohji had seen him really smile. A happy smile, lighting up Ran's face, leaving his features soft, and it took Yohji's breath away. He would have fallen all in love again with Ran, if he not had already loved him. God, he was so beautiful. As he finally agreed, Ran got up and disappeared, only to return shortly later with a bottle of hand lotion. And then it started in earnest between them. All Yohji could recall later was that Ran drove him crazy while preparing him, the feeling of finally being owned and filled, and it was so good. The sensations of his approaching orgasm not only triggered by the outside but also by the inside took him to his very limit. And as he got finally over the bridge with a hoarse shout, body jerking wildly even during his aftershocks, until he was only a trembling, panting mass, totally spent and with such a satisfied feeling, he could not recall he ever had in his life before.

Afterwards, as their journey and the mission were finished, he had asked Ran, if he would like to move in together, and he was joyful surprised, when he only answered with 'Okay.'

A voice interrupted his musings. He was astonished that he hadn't noticed a doctor entering his room and asking him questions. "Excuse me?"

The doctor furrowed his brow. "I asked, if you could tell me your name."

"Kudoh Yohji."

A few more silly questions were asked and answers were given, he was poked and examined, then the doctor finally was satisfied and left him alone. Finally, Yohji asked when he would be released.

"It is not common practice," the doctor answered, "but in your case we have order from higher places to release you, if asked. Normally suicide attempt patients are observed in psychically care a while. You are free to leave."

The doctor had not quite finished his speech; as Yohji already had swung his sheet aside and his legs out of the bed. Sitting upright, he became slightly dizzy.

"Stop, not so fast. Your blood pressure is unusually low after a week lying down." The nurse had stepped beside him, and put a steadying hand on his elbow.

"A week?"

"You had fallen in a coma; your body was in shock already from blood loss, when the emergency crew arrived at your house. Fortunately, Mariko asked for blood substitute on her emergency call. Otherwise, you would have been dead on arriving here.

Yohji nodded. "I think, I have to thank her properly then."

"Yes, I think so." The nurse nodded, too. "She stayed here with you a few times, too. Beside of the young man, who cowers now in the hallway outside, nursing his jaw with an icepack." She chuckled at that. "He was here almost all the time, refusing to go when asked to. He can be really scary, can he?"

He had to grin at that. "Yes, he can." Relieved to hear Ran was still here, he asked, "can you please send him in on your way out?" He had to make a decision.

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