Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Just Shoot Me: The Return of H.U.G.S. ❯ Best Laid Plans ( Chapter 2 )

Disclaimer: Yugi-oh is the property of Kazuki Takahashi, who is a genius.

 

Just Shoot Me

Chapter 2: The Best Laid Plans

~*~*~*

“You mean to tell me that there is an entire holiday just for making asses out of other people?” Marik stretched back in his chair, crossing his arms behind his head. A wide, loopy grin spread across his face as he gazed toward the ceiling of their apartment.

 

“Aaaahhhh.” Malik stood leaning behind the couch, a look of dawning horror

spreading across his face as the H.U.G.S.' plan's fatal flaw suddenly occurred to him. He had basically just given his yami, not just permission to torment people, but a entire day dedicated to tormenting, tricking, annoying, and basically fucking with the entire populace of Domino City. “Well….”

 

“I like this.” Marik hummed happily to himself.

 

“Uuuuh, yeah.” Malik took a deep breath. “We came up with a great joke to play on Yami Yugi and we thought you might like to help out.”

 

“You're going after the pharaoh?” Marik nodded, still contemplating the ceiling. “What are you going planning?”

 

“Fan Fiction.” Malik edged around the couch and perched on the arm. “We thought it would be funny to make Yami Yugi think some of the really stupid things that happen in fan fics were happening to him.”

 

Marik rolled his head slightly to one side and eyed his light doubtfully. “Funny?”

 

A light in the gloom suddenly appeared. “YES! Funny. It has to be funny! April Fools Day is all about FUNNY things. You don't just rove around aimlessly tormenting, it has to be funny!”

 

“I find torment funny.” Marik waved his hand, brushing aside any protests before they could jump out of his light's mouth. He grinned back up at the ceiling, savoring the look of pure horror and frustration on his Malik's face. He hated to break it to his light, but they were, once, one person, so what his light knew, he knew. He hadn't forgotten just because they were suddenly two different people. And, as far as he was concerned, it was always April Fools Day and his beloved hikari was the fool of choice. “Now back to the pharaoh. Just what did you and the other oh-so-innocent lights plot now?”

 

Malik swallowed heavily, took a deep breath and closed his eyes, wincing, but hoping for the best. “Make Yami Yugi believe some of the idiot things that happen in fan fics are happening to him.”

 

“For example…” Marik prodded, eyebrows drawing together and a slight frown on his face as he reviewed some of the more nasty clichés: suicide, hit-and-run accidents, fatal illnesses, homicidal stalkers, rapists, blade wielding goth-punk girls with skimpy clothes. Well, okay the skimpy clothes bit is good, I can deal with skimpy clothes. Maybe I can get Malik to dress as the goth girl…

 

“We came up with a few ideas. We like the idea of Mary Sues.” Malik cracked an eye open and contemplated his darkness who was now scowling at the ceiling. “Yugi is going to ask Anzu and Mai to do the super slut routine.”

 

Marik tossed the idea around and grinned, “Sounds good.” He yawned and got up. “Anything else?”

 

“Uhhh, well we did come up with one idea…”

 

“Which was?” Marik stretched, bending backwards, listening to his spine crack pleasantly. He looked back at his light, an idea popping into his head on how he could exercise his lower back.

 

“Yugi, Ryou and I get a job at a stripper club and arrange for Yami to be a bar tender.”

 

Marik paused to appreciate the mental picture of his hikari dancing on a table seductively taking his clothes off. Then he pictured Yami Yugi's reaction to seeing his own little light stripping. Well, he'd wanted to see Domino City destroyed for a long time, this could work for him, and it had the bonus of a naked dancing hikari, booze and the exquisite pleasure of having the pharaoh wait on him. “Sounds good. But let's get a bit more creative, shall we?”

~*~*~*

“Hey, is this supposed to be crunchy?” Honda mumbled around a mouthful of food, poking Yugi.

 

Yugi had to take a moment to swallow before he answered. “Yours is crunchy? Mine's chewy. What is this anyway?”

 

“Don' know. Can't read the board.” Honda took another mouthful. “I'm bettin' something four legged and eats grass.”

 

Yugi dug in his pocket. “I'm betting pig.” He put a dollar in the middle of the table.

 

Honda tossed another dollar on top of it. “I'll go with cow.”

 

Yugi nudged Yami, who was doing his best not to actually look at what his hikari and friends were eating. “What do you think? Want to bet?”

 

Yami sat looking intently down at his own lunch of fresh fruit, thick slices of rich artisan bread and a refreshing bottle of over priced water, pretending he was far, far away from the smell wafting in his direction from the cafeteria kitchen that did not smell like a roasted camel. No it did not, it was just his imagination. There was no smell of burnt camel flesh near him. His friends were not sitting next to him and they were not eating food that had that same smell rising from it. No, he was not. He hadn't quite figured out where he was, but he was definitely not here.

 

A forkful of the substance, that could not possibly be camel meat, suddenly appeared in front of his nose. His beloved light is on the other end of that fork with a innocent expression on his face. Yami started edging away at that look. One of the first things he had learned when he had woken from his long sleep was you should never trust your hikari when they wear that look. It just meant trouble. Just ask any yami, they could all tell you horror stories of what sweet, faced, cherubic lights could do to you.

 

“Yami, take a bite and see if you know what it is.” The fork waved in front of Yami's horrified eyes, it's cargo clinging oozily to it.

 

“No aibou, I'm…giving up meat for lent.” He backed away hurriedly, nearly falling of the bench.

 

Yugi laughed, “Very funny, but you aren't Catholic.” The fork with it's cargo came closer. “Just one bite.”

 

“Aibou, really I…”

 

The fork was suddenly shoved into his and the taste of tough, overcooked, gewy cam… Oh Ra, I am not, NOT eating a… This is Japan for Ra's sake! Where would they even find a…To Yami's complete horror, his faulty memory suddenly decided to work overtime. A memory of sitting next to his father around a campfire chewing rough, burnt, greasy, revolting meat off a bone stampeded across his stunned mind.

 

He remembered that they had been on a hunting trip and had stopped in a tiny village to get fresh water. The head man of the town gave a special meal in welcome. He could remember his father shifting uneasily next to him, glancing at the village well longingly, then back to the jovial, man who was already making preparations for the special meal. A large fire pit, gritty dirt, a large spitted carcass, a mass of his father's attendants standing looking in horror at what was intended to be their meal.

 

That's why! I always wondered why father chose Kuru Eruna to sacrifice, now I know. They were the ones with that roasted camel. He shuddered at the memory of camel grease sliding down his chin and trying to suppress his gag reflex, while his father stoically chewed his meal beside him. Father should have killed them slower.

 

With a hideous sense of déjà vu, he forced his reluctant throat to swallow the lump.

 

“Do you know what it is?” Yugi smiled sweetly.

 

“Camel.” Bakura stumbled by, looking as uneasy and horrified as Yami felt. “They've got a truck load of canned camel meat in the back.” He jerked his thumb over his shoulder toward the kitchen. “I saw it come in.”

 

“I'm eating a camel?” Honda poked at the food on his tray, “Man when they do international foods, they really mean it don't they.”

 

Yami desperately chomped into his apple, trying to get the taste and texture of overdone camel out of his mouth, and glared at the thief. “I just got a piece of my memory back. It was your village. They roasted a camel and made me and my father eat it.”

 

“I don't remember…” Bakura paused frowning, his eyes narrowed. “Was it an old man, no teeth and wore a red scarf?”

 

Yami nodded as the picture of the old man, crouched next to the spitted camel, slowly roasting it over a fire, surfaced. Evil old man.

 

“Fuck.” Bakura breathed, looking lost in his memories, “When I was just a toddler, my cousin got married and that old man cooked a camel for them.” He shivered as long ago horror dawned in his eyes, “I was only three for Ra`s sake…When I grew up, I knifed anyone who killed a camel. They thought I liked camels.” He shook his head, trying to refocus on the present world. “I just didn't want anyone near me getting any ideas of roasting one.”

 

Noticing an absence, Yami looked around for Yugi as Bakura, still lost on memory lane was steered gently away by Ryou, who took the opportunity to drop his tray on the table. “Where's Yugi?”

 

“He was heading for the bathroom. I think.” Honda tossed his tray on top of Ryou's and pushed them both as far away as he could. “Seemed to be in a hurry.”

 

Yami closed his eyes and turned away still tasting camel. Why did I want to have a body? Why?

 

He shivered and took another bite of his apple, noticing a warm body suddenly landing on the bench next to him where Yugi had been sitting a few moments before. “Aibou, I really think it's time for you to start packing a…” He looked over, expecting a rather green looking Yugi to be sitting there and found himself facing a girl.

 

She was beautiful, with long, silky blond hair and large blue eyes. Her skin was perfectly clear -a miracle in a high school- and she was dressed in a demure, though figure flattering dress. She leaned familiarly close to him and smiled happily. “ Koi, what are you eating? You will share won't you?” She cuddled close to him, as he stared in shock at her. “You aren't going to make me eat a camel are you?”

 

Honda nodded as Yami jerked back, ready to disillusion the crazy girl. “Yeah, Yami, you can't make Sapphire eat camel. Man, who knows what would happen. The baby would be born deformed or something”

 

“Wha…?” Yami turned and looked at him, trying to put distance between him and the blond girl.

 

Yugi reappeared, wiping his mouth. “Hi Sapphire, how was the appointment? Is Yami jr. alright and everything?” He sat down on the bench on the other side of his darkness and leaned around to smile at the girl. “It's going to be so great! I can't wait to be an uncle.”

 

“Yugi! What the hell are you talking about? You know this girl?” He yanked his arm free and scrambled to his feet.

Honda shook his head, “That's really cold Yami. Really, first you knock her up, then you beg her to marry you, now you pretend you don't know her? Cold. Really cold.”

 

“But…but…I have never seen this girl before in my….” He looked wildly around. The girl looked about ready to burst into tears. Yugi looked confused and a little frightened and Honda looked ticked.

 

“Yami? Are you okay?” Yugi reached out radiating worry. “Are you sick? Should I call a doctor?”

 

Sapphire sniffled softly, large, soft tears running down her porcelain cheeks. “Yami, koi, I'm sorry. It's all my fault isn't it. Your angry because I left early and didn't make you breakfast.” She reached over and took one of his hands in one of her lovely, long fingered hands. Her big, blue eyes leaking tears as they looked sorrowfully up at him. “I'll make it up to you. I'll make a wonderful dinner and we can spend the entire night doing whatever you want to do.”

 

Yugi smiled at her reassuringly, “He's just being moody. You know how expectant fathers can get.”

 

Yami wobbled on his feet staring, horrified, at his light.

 

Ryou walked up, still leading a shaky Bakura, and nudged Yami. “Excuse us, Bakura needs to… We have to go.” He turned and smiled at Sapphire. “Oh, hello Sapphire. Thank you for letting me borrow that book on advanced chemistry. It really helped.”

 

“You're welcome Ryou.” She sniffled a bit, but smiled bravely. “I have some class notes too if you think you might need them.”

 

“No, but thank you just the same.” He glanced at a Yami Yugi and lowered his voice to a whisper. “Marital problems?”

 

She nodded miserably. “I forgot to make breakfast.”

 

Bakura laughed, “Wife's first duty. Feed your husband.”

 

There was a sudden loud thump and everyone turned to see Yami sprawled across the floor. Out cold.

~*~*~*

DemonandGoddess: Thanks for the ideas! Yep, I fully intend to have fun with this, which is why my little one shot that I originally planned has morphed into a miniseries. Thanks for the stripper idea too!

 

Sakiyama: I think I have enough ideas, but thanks for trying to think of a cliché for me. Actually, all I did was rove around a bit and got tons. I also took a good look at some of the ideas I've used. I think I'll have more fun poking fun at myself than anyone else. Sapphire is actually the ultimate, annoyingly perfect form of Yuai. I'm going to have fun!

 

sorceress_sarrkh: Poor computer. Here's a fun one that Daebird (aka xMinkx) posted at ff.net. “It Feels Like This”. It's good, really good. It's short, it's cute and you won't have to cough up money for computer repair.

 

Daebird: I like the Yami bartender idea. The chaos and havoc that will cause will be fun. And it will get Yami to notice Yugi, if Yugi is stripping at the club! Thanks.

 

shuicinobaka: Here's the next chapter. You'll have to wait a bit to find out what happened to Jo. I have a few plot bunnies to shoot, then back to the mire that is my trilogy. Thanks for the review, I love hearing from my readers!