Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Just Shoot Me: The Return of H.U.G.S. ❯ Mr. Mom ( Chapter 3 )

Disclaimer: Yugi-oh is the property of Kazuki Takahashi, who is a genius.

 

Here it finally is! The one shot that has somehow morphed into a mini series. This is a partner piece to Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit. It does fit into the Chrysalis timeline if you wish it too. It would land just after the end of Emergence, just before Psyche starts. It will also stand neatly alone by itself.

 

Just Shoot Me

Chapter 3: Mr. Mom

 

“Yami? Yami? Are you okay?” A small hand was shaking his shoulder, coaxing him back to the waking world.

 

Yami cracked open an eye. Yugi was peering anxiously at him, his violet eyes wide with concern as he loomed in his vision, obscuring the …cafeteria? Wait. This did not look anything like the cafeteria. He sat up, noticing that the motion caused a large amount of paper crackling, and looked around.

 

“Aibou? What are we… where are we?” Yami suddenly paused, three simultaneously competing issues crowded into his mind, as he looked wildly around.

 

First issue, he was wearing a paper dress. Oh, dear sweet Maat, he, a living god, pharaoh of Egypt, Prince of the Shadow Realm was sitting wearing nothing but a paper dress with a very large opening in the back and a startling tendency to ride up in the front, exposing rather private bits of anatomy. The only thing between him and complete humiliation was a tiny plastic belt that looped coyly around his waist, barely holding the paper dress together.

 

Second issue, as he wiggled around desperately trying to preserve his dignity, he realized that the blur behind his little hikari's head was a poster. He felt his eyes widen to the point he was almost surprise his eyeballs didn't just roll out of his head, as he took a good look at the poster. It depicted more about the female anatomy then he had ever, ever, in five thousand years of existence wanted to know. It was even in color, with little labels telling what each female piece was named.

 

Third issue, he was sitting on a table, a very strange table, with very strange things attached to the table, that his agile mind suddenly pointed out to him, along with their possible uses.

 

“Aaahhhhgggg.” Yami leapt away from that table with it's odd, appendages that seemed to be made to…, -better not go there, since I am the one in the paper dress- nearly flattening his little light as he bolted toward the door. Only to be reminded the folly of leaving, as a cool breeze hit his backside.

 

“Where are my clothes?” Yami spun around, searching the room frantically.

 

Yugi looked uncertain. “I don't think you should Yami. The doctor said he wanted to look at you when you woke up.”

 

Yami speeded up the search, finally unearthing his clothes from behind a flimsy floral curtain and shoving his body into them quickly, as if Set and all his legions of hell were knocking at the door demanding he get back on that table and try out some of those appendages.. “He can examine someone else.”

 

“But Yami, aren't you worried about the baby?” Yugi tugged at his arm.

 

“Let Sapphire worry about the baby. I am out of here.” Yami grabbed the door handle and wrenched it open.

 

“Who's Sapphire?” Yugi had to sprint to keep up with his yami, who was now half way through the doctor's office.

 

“ You remember, my beloved, blushing bride, who I never met before.” Yami didn't pause. He dodged a nurse who stepped out of a room into his path, ducked around a rolling cart and darted around a corner. Seeing a exit, he inwardly rejoiced and flung himself forward.

 

“Ah, Mr. Moto, awake I see.” A rather large, soft man with glasses and a long white coat stepped into his path, blocking the tantalizing door with the large, green letters spelling exit.

 

Yugi panted up beside him. “Yes, he woke up just a few minutes ago. He's still acting strange though.”

 

“The doctor smiled benignly, “Oh, that's to be expected.” He gestured them in toward his office. “Well, I suppose that we can skip the exam. But you,” he wagged a admonishing finger at Yami's nose, “have got to start eating better.”

 

Covering his innocent nose defensively, Yami scowled. “I'm eating fine. It's him,” he pointed to Yugi's tiny nose, “that stuffed greasy camel meat in my mouth.”

 

Yugi blushed, “Well, I didn't know it was a camel. I kind of thought it was really odd chipped beef on toast, without the toast part, or the chipped part, or the identifiable meat part.”

 

The doctor succeeded in shooing them into chairs as he shook his head. “I think I have to agree with Yami on this one.” He patted Yugi's head gently as he passed, “I know that you worry about his diet, but forcing him to eat exotic foods in his condition is not good.”

 

“My condition?” Yami blinked looking around suspiciously at the office, the doctor and the bookshelves that were populated with books with titles like An Expectant Father's Guide to Labor and Delivery, I'm Having Her Baby!, Boys having Babies and other panic inspiring titles.

 

“How about the memory lapses? Those are getting much worse.” Yugi leaned toward the doctor as the other man settled behind a large oak desk. “Yesterday, he spent the whole day speaking Egyptian.

 

Yami opted out of the conversation as he noticed a more than life size replica of the inner workings of a female lurking next to his chair. He congratulated himself. After only a short exposure to that chart he could now, not only recognize what he was looking at as female things, but he could now name quite a few of the female things. Indeed, they seemed burned into his memory. Why he was blessed with a perfect memory of female things, but had problems remembering more important things; for example his hideous allergy to pineapple that made him break into large, itchy, red hives; was, he was absolutely certain, vengeance. He wasn't sure who he had managed to tick off this badly, but he was going to start apologizing to all the deities he had ever heard of. He made a mental note to make a list when he got home and start to work immediately on pleading for forgiveness.

 

“So everything is still okay?” Yugi was leaning forward, across the doctor's desk. A look of concern spread across his face.

 

“Oh yes, just make sure he eats properly. The memory problems should clear up in a week or so.” The doctor smiled benignly as he stood. “It's too be expected.”

 

Yugi scampered to his feet dragging Yami along with him. “Thank you so much doctor. He really frightened me, collapsing like that in the cafeteria.”

 

The doctor nodded, shooing them out the door. “You should probably take him home and have him rest.” He waved the admonishing finger again at Yami's nose. “Now remember to take it easy.”

 

Yami, wrenching his mind back on track, after making a quick survey of which gods he needed to put on his list, glared at the finger. “I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”

 

Yugi smiled and pulled his yami toward the blessed exit door. “Thank you doctor. I just don't know what we'd do without your patience.” He hugged Yami, “He is so cranky when he's pregnant.”

 

Yami took a second to process that statement, allowing his little light to shove him out the door and into a small, nicely decorated courtyard. When the processing time elapsed, Yami stopped in his tracks, grabbing his light. “Exactly what did you just say?”

 

Yugi blushed, “Well, you are. You are cranky.” He waved his hands a bit. “Don't tell me you don't remember this morning. It's not my fault that your getting too…ahhh… big for you leather pants -well, okay maybe it is- but that doesn't mean that you have to shriek in my ear like that.”

 

“I did not shriek in your… I mean, the other part. The pregnant part.” Yami eyed him suspiciously. “You did pay attention to those idiotic sex ed. classes didn't you. Men cannot get pregnant, it's one of the defining characteristics of being a man.”

 

“Yami. Really, your memory is getting worse and worse. Remember, you cast that spell, the one that allows you to have kids?” Yugi pulled himself free of his dark and walked away. “First he wants kids, then he doesn't, then he forgets that he's pregnant and this is only the third month. What's going to happen in the second trimester, when all those hormones really kick in?”

 

Yami watched his light walk off muttering to himself. A spell, he cast a spell to make himself pregnant? He didn't know any spells like that. Why would he want to? Women and women alone were given that privilege by the gods. Who was he to question the gods will in such matters? And it wasn't conceit to know that if he wanted a child, it would be a simple task to find a willing female. He frowned at his hikari's back. Alright, something was up, the question was, what exactly was it?

 

~*~*~*

 

Ryou stood in line eyeing the menu board. Big Mac or Fillet o'Fish? Or maybe he should head over to Panda Pagoda and get orange chicken? He looked across the food court and shrugged. The line was just as long there as it was here. Still, there was Starbucks and their petrified scones, that line was short and he could get a tea latte there. He looked at the line of preprocessed burgers waiting under the heat lamp and slipped over to Starbucks.

 

Malik stepped up behind him. “Hey, any word yet from Yugi?”

 

“No, he should be here soon.” Ryou inspected the apple pie slices that sat attractively in the food case. “Do you think that will actually taste like an apple pie?”

“Nope, not a chance.” Malik looked around the crowd that milled through the area. “Nothing here tastes like anything, except the drinks. Go over to Hilda's Hoffbrau and get something there.” He nodded to where a humiliated dark haired girl, with braids, a white starchy hat and an outfit right out of Heidi stood glowering behind the counter.

 

Ryou sighed, “No, one last chance for the scones. Maybe this time they won't be that bad.” He stepped forward and put in his order as Malik shook his head in despair and went to Hilda's for decent food.

 

“Malik, have you seen Ryou?” Yugi huffed up in line behind him, looking a bit red and sweating lightly.

 

“Over at Starbucks getting a cup of tea and an industrial strength oil spill absorber.” Malik stepped up to the counter and ordered an apple kringle and a cup of cherry soda.

 

“Oh, okay.” Yugi took a deep breath. “I thought I was late. Yami was having a hissy fit on the way back from the doctors.”

 

Malik snickered. “That was really priceless. The look on his face when he realized where he was…”

 

“You saw? The spy camera worked?” Yugi broke into a wide grin. “Did you see him in the doctor's private office? He kept looking at that model as if it was about to attack him.”

 

“My favorite was the table. Did you see how fast he jumped off it?” Malik grabbed his food as it appeared and sauntered away calling back a cheerful farewell to Heidi.

 

Ryou had already found a table beneath a palm tree near the piano that presided over the center of the food courts rotunda. He had already pushed his scone out of the way and was sipping moodily at his tea.

 

“The gods of Starbucks still don't like you?” Malik thumped down into a metal chair and grinned at his fellow hikari.

 

“They look so good in the case…” Ryou sighed and took another sip of his tea as Yugi perched on his own chair.

 

“Well, how is it going?” Malik nudged Yugi as he took a bite of his kringle.

 

“I don't know. I think we should have stuck with Sapphire.” Yugi cracked off a piece of Ryou's abandoned scone and nibbled on it. “The whole male pregnancy thing is just too unbelievable. My yami isn't a idiot you know.”

 

Ryou nodded. “If we could have, we would have. But you're the one who beaned her with your tray, remember.”

 

“She was trying to do mouth to mouth with MY yami.” Yugi frowned at the memory. “He only fainted. There was no reason she had to press her painted, probably disease infested lips against my yami's mouth. Then, when since has CRP involved taking someone's belt off and unzipping their pants? I can't believe she…”

 

“Okay, so Sapphire was a bad choice.” Malik cut into the grumble mid-sentence. “Picking up a Mary Sue from the amateur actor's club was probably a bad idea. She's still whining about you interrupting her artistic expression.”

 

“There will be no artistic expression with my yami's body.” Yugi growled, glaring as a group of innocent girls walked by smiling coyly at the group. They hurried along though when Yugi bared his teeth and tossed a piece of scone at them. “Girls are evil. Evil. Never trust a girl and her sneaking CPR lips near your yami. Never. One minute they are saying their going to have his baby and the next they're ogling your yami's boxers. The next girl that comes anywhere near my darkness is…”

 

“Pushing right along…” Ryou smiled apologetically at the girls and grabbed Yugi's hand as it reached for more scone. “How is the night club working out?”

 

“My yami's convinced the owner, to let us perform tonight.” Malik grinned evilly. “He's also convinced him that Yami Yugi's been working for him for years.”

 

Ryou patted Yugi's hand, pulled the scone out of reach and shook his head. “Somehow I just know I don't want to hear how he convinced that man.”

 

Malik shrugged, finishing off his kringle and sipping his drink. “Hey, what's the fun of having a mind controlling magical item if you never control anyone's mind? Besides, it's either let him mind control the bar tender or let him rove around terrorizing Domino City in the name of April Fools Day.”

 

Yugi, still grumbling about lips, artists and girls, folded his arms and shoved himself back in his seat. “There's only one small problem.”

 

“Don't worry about it. He'll be behind the bar.” Malik had a wild, excited look in his eyes as he wadded up his paper plate and tossed it toward the nearest trash bin. “It's us getting groped that I'm worried about.”

 

“Yeah, and I'm the Queen Mum.” Ryou poked him. “You are looking forward to this. Dancing on a table, stripping off your clothes, having drooling people stuff money in your drawers. You can't wait, can you?”

 

Malik laughed, “I'll admit it if you do. You can't wait to see Bakura's face when he sees you dancing.”

 

“My poor, poor yami.” Ryou's grin matched the evilest grin Marik ever managed in his entire life. “So innocent.”

 

“My yami's going to have heart failure.” Yugi smiled happily. “See if he ever ignores me again.”

~*~*~*

 

Yami sat quietly in front of the evening stock report, trying to calm his nerves. It was taking awhile. All his clothes had somehow morphed into bondage gear. Lurking upstairs in his closet were shirts with frightening amounts of buckles, pants made up of even more buckles placed in uncomfortable and probably genital threatening places, neck buckles that made him fear for his throat's continued non-punctured existence, belts that could be used in hand to hand combat, arm bands that had to be listed as weapons of mass destruction, shoes and boots that made his poor feet cringe in terror. And all of it was too tight around the waist. But the most shocking, the thing that caused him to quiver in disbelieving horror, was that nowhere did he find even the remotest clue of his comfy, flannel pjs and after the day he had, he needed his pjs. He needed his soft comfy pjs, a long soakingly bubbly bath, a hour or two of listening to people drone soothingly about finance and perhaps a fifth of whiskey.

 

“Yami, hurry up. We're going to be late.” Yugi ran down the steps from the upper bedrooms, brushing his hair and trying to wiggle into a bondage shirt.

 

“Late?” Yami frowned noticing that Yugi had put enough eyeliner on to rival the Cover Girl poster bimbette. “Aibou, why are you wearing makeup?”

 

“Yami, hurry.” Yugi tossed the brush onto a table and raced into the kitchen. “I'll fix us something to eat, but if you don't hurry you'll be eating on the way there.”

 

“Where?” Yami cast a longing look at the TV, with it's soothing scene of two young newscasters who had more moose in their hair then there was in Canada, and pulled himself away to see what horror his light was going to do to him now.

 

“Yami…” Yugi wailed as he slapped together peanut butter sandwiches. “Get dressed. Oh, Kami, we don't have time…”

“Where are we supposed to be going?” Yami was shoved out of the kitchen and marched up the stairs by his hikari.

 

“Work. Please, we need to get going. If we're late again, he'll fire us.” Yugi shoved him into their room and bolted back down the stairs. “I put your things out for you, since you were watching TV.”

 

Yami stood in the middle of the room, blinking at the array of buckles, studs and leather straps that his light had laid out on the bed. “Great. Just great. I always knew I had a faulty memory, but this?”

 

With a martyred groan, he started peeling out of his school shirt and pants and putting on his work gear. “Somehow, I am have a feeling I am not going to be happy in my career choice.”

~*~*~*

Review please! I don't keep my stories hostage for reviews, but knowing people are interested does make me write faster to please you guys.

 

Daebird: Sadly, Kaiba is going to be a no show in this fic. Originally, I did plan for him and Jou to be here, but I want it to fit into my other story line. Which means that Jou is busy being kidnapped and Kaiba is busy being moody and depressed about it. I was thinking of putting some of the drafts that I won't be using at the end of the story that have Kaiba and Jou in them. Some of them are hilarious, but I can't fit them in. Maybe someone will like them and adopt them.

 

Yamifanner: No, Mai and Anzu have an important role in this fic.. You'll see soon.

After all Anzu as a heartless, super slut is probably the most overused cliché I've run across. As for the yamis tossing money, you'll like that too, who says they have to TOSS it?