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| "Puberty Sux" Reviews/Comments [ 55 ] | | Pages (4): [ « < 1 2 3 4 > » ] | Reviewed By: Hoshi Tatsu On: April 14, 2002 18:25 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Sorry for before. Hey write some more though I can't wait for the next chapters. You could put Jeri in this. Have her get raped or something evil because I can't stand her sorry ass. | Reviewed By: DarkRaptramon On: April 11, 2002 19:13 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 5 of 10
Overall Rating: 5 of 10 Comment/Review:
Dude you need to add more twists turns SEX....
but over all pretty good this isn't realy a rated r more like pg 13 | Reviewed By: Mimi, Myself, & Iz. [MediaMiner Member] On: April 11, 2002 03:19 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Yeah! What a way to end that chapter! Looks like Shao will never grow out of that phase... well not so soon. (grins) Well, now we learn some about that amulet we see in your art of Jennie! Interesting. What happens now. It does seem Ruki cut herself on purpose just to get an excuse to see Jen. Ahhh... the perfect crime.
Nice work! I can't wait for the next part of the story! ...or even in art! I don't mind if your medium surface of choice is still Toys R Us reciepts! More PS! (cheers)
~ Jodi S. | Reviewed By: Digifan316 On: April 09, 2002 20:08 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
CROW: You know, I'm going to thank god that we weren't treated to a mental image of Terriormon in daipers.
(ALL shudder)
BRIAN: We are now.
TOM (Sarcastic): Thanks Crow. Good story. | Reviewed By: Silva Noir [MediaMiner Member] On: April 09, 2002 19:41 CDT
Comment/Review:
chapter 5 is toooo shoooooort. and has bunnies. hop hop. | Reviewed By: Jen's Lova On: April 08, 2002 13:08 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Wowwie this is great! I love this ficcie. It is so wonderful. :) keep it up. GO KADIE!!! | Reviewed By: Anorexic Chibi [MediaMiner Member] On: April 01, 2002 14:58 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
This is quite an interesting chapter. A little more plotline this time, especially with the idea of him already being dead. Vampire, right?
Anyways, getting better, but I had to knock you down a point on grammar. You used present tense where it should have been all past.
What I do like in this is the idea of Henry acting his age (I mean, like a teenager.) You really don't see much of that, as he is viewed as the mature one of the group.
AC | Reviewed By: Cari, AKA Digimon Kaiserin, Puchico, Sakura, Washuu On: April 01, 2002 14:49 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 4 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 2 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 5 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 4 of 10
Overall Rating: 3 of 10 Comment/Review:
Not very origonal, spelling and grammar could use some work, overall not very good and needs serious work. Needs a Beta.
~Cari
"Digimon Kaiserin" | Reviewed By: Anorexic Chibi [MediaMiner Member] On: April 01, 2002 14:48 CST
Comment/Review:
I noticed one more thing in chapter 3 that you might want to look at.
"Especially in this stupid penguin suit."
'This' indicates that he's still wearing it. Unless he really is wearing it, that might work better.
OK, so it's not one more thing, but I thought I'd mention it. Bold and underlines look strange in a story. If you're going to use font changes, you might want to stick to italics, and even then only sparingly. | Reviewed By: Anorexic Chibi [MediaMiner Member] On: April 01, 2002 14:38 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
Yep, I'm back with some more C&C. Jen’s losing it, eh? It seems like it, sort of. The entire idea of him going bestial here is interesting. *thinks back to some of Kaden’s pictures he saw* Oh duh! I forgot about BROT. It is bestiality, or vampire or something like that. This should be a bit more interesting.
Anyways, I can’t believe I didn’t catch this earlier. Basic rule of English here.
(ex. Made up, not from story) “Don’t go,” she said.
Take note. There is a comma after the last word, and not a period. Also ‘she’ isn’t capitalized. Also, you seem to be very good at giving more vivid terms for said, but whenever you have a person ask a question, you always use said right after. Try something like this.
(ex.) “You’re going?” she asked (or inquired, or another synonym of asked).
OK, so I’m not feeling creative. If they’re asking a question, the verb should reflect this. ‘she said’ does not emphasize this properly. Also note that ‘she’ is still not capitalized.
Overall, a very interesting chapter, and I think this story is pretty good, I’m just very verbose right now. The enjoyment factor has gone up some. | Reviewed By: Anorexic Chibi [MediaMiner Member] On: April 01, 2002 14:25 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
Grammar's much better in this chapter, and there is a bit more plot coming out. The voice in the head is what's going to hook readers here (like me) because (like me) they'll want to know what it is.
Sentences are kind of awkward, though, and could use some work, as well as your descriptions. Not commenting on originality yet, as I have not yet reached the plot, and therefore don't know if it's original (unless the plot is Jen getting a date with Ruki while voices talk to him. Being blunt, if that was it, O/C would get a 5 or less).
Another quick thing, one thing I notice while reading is that numbers are usually written out. It's not a big thing, but words, to me, make it seem more like an element of a story instead of a fact that I might have to digest for the story. People read for fun, so making it seem like a whole bunch of facts might not be the best idea.
I'm getting very verbose, aren't I? Well, I think I had better shut up now. Going on to the next part of the story.
AC | Reviewed By: Anorexic Chibi [MediaMiner Member] On: April 01, 2002 14:16 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
Yeah, I know, I'm harsh, but I have my reasons. But hey, it's the first chapter, and stories usually don't get off the ground until at least the third. This chapter does have its good parts, though. The mausoleum dream was interesting, to say the least, although it could have been a bit more descriptive.
Some of the greater problems I noticed were these. Some of your sentences (especially at the beginning) were repetitive, and could have been melded together into one to create a better sentence. For example.
Your words: "She would stop at a particular mausoleum. She'd let go of my hand and point to the door looking in my direction. Her face still shrouded by shadows."
All three of those can be put into two more coherent sentences, and the last one isn't even a sentence, but a (very) dependent clause.
Suggestion: "With her face still shrouded by shadows, she would stop at a particular mausoleum, release my hand. Then looking in my direction, she would point at the door."
Grammar could also use some work here, but that should be pretty easy to fix.
BTW, sorry I wasn't much help on the site. I take it the html files I sent didn't work. | Reviewed By: Mimi, Myself, & Iz. [MediaMiner Member] On: March 30, 2002 11:13 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Great story! Still more with penguin! Nice work! Its unfortunate, Jenrya had to hear it first hand how Ruki relationship with her Mother has gotten. Maybe a meeting her Grandmother could shed some light. Eep! Nasty dream! Eeewwwwww! That's creepy! More than just her wanting to breakup ...but especially when Ruki tells him why! Nice work!
Now... chapter 5! I can't wait!
~ Jodi S. | Reviewed By: GameGirl [MediaMiner Member] On: March 29, 2002 09:56 CST
Comment/Review:
Bad dreams often come from bad food. There had to be something wrong with that staeak. | Reviewed By: Silva Noir [MediaMiner Member] On: March 28, 2002 22:13 CST
Rating(s):Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Comment/Review:
I'VE HAD DREAMS LIKE THAT! (referring to chap 4) only my body would start to rot, fingers decompose and the nails peel off in a green goo, my teeth fall out in a bloody pile, hair pull out.... I asked a dream specialist about it and they say its a common dream theme, it has less to do with mortality and mroe to do with how we worry about our own appearance. So Jen, you may look like a penguin, but you're a CUTE penguin, really! | | Pages (4): [ « < 1 2 3 4 > » ] |
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