| "Puberty Sux" Reviews/Comments [ 55 ] |
| Pages (4): [ « < 1 2 3 4 > » ] |
Reviewed By: Anorexic Chibi [MediaMiner Member] On: April 01, 2002 14:25 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
Grammar's much better in this chapter, and there is a bit more plot coming out. The voice in the head is what's going to hook readers here (like me) because (like me) they'll want to know what it is.
Sentences are kind of awkward, though, and could use some work, as well as your descriptions. Not commenting on originality yet, as I have not yet reached the plot, and therefore don't know if it's original (unless the plot is Jen getting a date with Ruki while voices talk to him. Being blunt, if that was it, O/C would get a 5 or less).
Another quick thing, one thing I notice while reading is that numbers are usually written out. It's not a big thing, but words, to me, make it seem more like an element of a story instead of a fact that I might have to digest for the story. People read for fun, so making it seem like a whole bunch of facts might not be the best idea.
I'm getting very verbose, aren't I? Well, I think I had better shut up now. Going on to the next part of the story.
AC |
Reviewed By: Anorexic Chibi [MediaMiner Member] On: April 01, 2002 14:16 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
Yeah, I know, I'm harsh, but I have my reasons. But hey, it's the first chapter, and stories usually don't get off the ground until at least the third. This chapter does have its good parts, though. The mausoleum dream was interesting, to say the least, although it could have been a bit more descriptive.
Some of the greater problems I noticed were these. Some of your sentences (especially at the beginning) were repetitive, and could have been melded together into one to create a better sentence. For example.
Your words: "She would stop at a particular mausoleum. She'd let go of my hand and point to the door looking in my direction. Her face still shrouded by shadows."
All three of those can be put into two more coherent sentences, and the last one isn't even a sentence, but a (very) dependent clause.
Suggestion: "With her face still shrouded by shadows, she would stop at a particular mausoleum, release my hand. Then looking in my direction, she would point at the door."
Grammar could also use some work here, but that should be pretty easy to fix.
BTW, sorry I wasn't much help on the site. I take it the html files I sent didn't work. |
Reviewed By: Mimi, Myself, & Iz. [MediaMiner Member] On: March 30, 2002 11:13 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Great story! Still more with penguin! Nice work! Its unfortunate, Jenrya had to hear it first hand how Ruki relationship with her Mother has gotten. Maybe a meeting her Grandmother could shed some light. Eep! Nasty dream! Eeewwwwww! That's creepy! More than just her wanting to breakup ...but especially when Ruki tells him why! Nice work!
Now... chapter 5! I can't wait!
~ Jodi S. |
Reviewed By: GameGirl [MediaMiner Member] On: March 29, 2002 09:56 CST
Comment/Review:
Bad dreams often come from bad food. There had to be something wrong with that staeak. |
Reviewed By: Silva Noir [MediaMiner Member] On: March 28, 2002 22:13 CST
Rating(s):Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Comment/Review:
I'VE HAD DREAMS LIKE THAT! (referring to chap 4) only my body would start to rot, fingers decompose and the nails peel off in a green goo, my teeth fall out in a bloody pile, hair pull out.... I asked a dream specialist about it and they say its a common dream theme, it has less to do with mortality and mroe to do with how we worry about our own appearance. So Jen, you may look like a penguin, but you're a CUTE penguin, really! |
Reviewed By: Cheshire cat [MediaMiner Member] On: March 28, 2002 19:18 CST
Comment/Review:
That's an interesting dream. See, I told ya I'd read ch. 4. Very nice. I think Ruki's mother is regretint the way she treats Ruki in the dub. :) Ruki certainly flips out easily, doesn't she? Great work, K! :P |
Reviewed By: Digifan316 On: March 28, 2002 19:03 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
TOM: He fell asleep in class?
BRIAN: You know what this means? HENRY'S NORMAL!
CROW: Continue please. |
Reviewed By: Pyrokinatic On: March 28, 2002 19:02 CST
Comment/Review:
well.. so far, you got this thing of 'im dreaming im gonna die' thing, so keep this thing going! its great! |
Reviewed By: :+:*Star*Girl*02*:+: On: March 26, 2002 20:21 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
plz plz plz write more it's soooo cool!! |
Reviewed By: Mimi, Myself, & Iz. [MediaMiner Member] On: March 26, 2002 15:02 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Nicely done! Ruki and Jennie on a dinner date! The penguin... LOL! Love it! The setup imagery for Jen eating his steak with his bare hands was nicely well done. ...no pun intended. Only later we discover what he has done and what he discovered now this hunger must be satisfied. Jenrya now shares his problems to Ruki. Hopefully she can help him. Being more than just friends.
Amazing work! I can't wait for the next part.
~ Jodi S. |
Reviewed By: Mimi, Myself, & Iz. [MediaMiner Member] On: March 26, 2002 14:48 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Cool continuation! Wow! Gee, just to study during lunch period... What? A dinner date! Yeah! The mention of Kazu and Takato together was nicely put. (grins) Eep. Voices in his head. Is Jennie going psychic too? Wow! Now on to Chapter 3!
~ Jodi S. |
Reviewed By: GameGirl [MediaMiner Member] On: March 26, 2002 14:28 CST
Comment/Review:
He was eating a rare steak with his hands? Dang! What the hell IS going on with him? I can't see him doing that! |
Reviewed By: GameGirl [MediaMiner Member] On: March 26, 2002 14:22 CST
Comment/Review:
Takato and Kazu? But, I like TakatoXJeri and KazuxSusie!! (how would you couplize their names?) Oh, but I know you don't like Jeri, so that's probably why! And Susie's too young in this fic anyway. This is cool. |
Reviewed By: Cheshire cat [MediaMiner Member] On: March 25, 2002 22:36 CST
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Wow. I think Jen's a vamp. Vamps are cool. I like the way you wrote this fic, though. You have nice writting skills. Keep up the good work. Both ch.s were very nice and I'll look forward to the next. Thanx and Ja ne!
Cheshire |
Reviewed By: Digifan316 On: March 25, 2002 22:08 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
TOM: Ok, he hears voices, eats weird, and dreams about a graveyard...
CROW: You know what that means...
BRIAN: Yeah, Henry's a PETA member that was stuck in a fur wearhouse when he was 10.
(BOTS look at BRIAN)
BRIAN: What? Its a theroy. Continue please. |
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