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| "Busy Lives" Reviews/Comments [ 695 ] | | Pages (47): [ « ‹ 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 › » ] | Reviewed By: MIztikal_Dragon [MediaMiner Member] On: March 04, 2004 01:50 CST
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
awweee how cute. keep up the good work. i cannot wait until you update. so peeeeeees and carrots hurry up..*sniffles* oh well. its soooo cute.. Krystal.
| Reviewed By: Biganimefan1 [MediaMiner Member] On: March 04, 2004 01:21 CST
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
awwwhow sweet
| Title: Some Cnstructive Critisism
Reviewed By: Melphina_xgp [MediaMiner Member] On: March 03, 2004 17:14 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 4 of 10
Comment/Review:
I just read chapter six and realized you took care of most of the things I said before but there was one part in this chapter where Inuyasha takes Kagome to a fancy restaurant and he says Shippou was at an aunt's house and then later, that same day, they go to Sesshoumaru's house and Rin was there becuase she spent the night and she told Kagome that she spent the night with Shippou. Now, if I'm not mistaken, you said Shippou was at an aunt's house and did Kagome ever call Kaede to let her know that she wouldn't be coming to work for a week? Maybe after you put the finishing touches on your chapter, you should leave it for about an hour and then come back and re-read the chapter again becuase a lot of the things don't make sense. Well at least not to me they don't! I'm not trying to be overly rude but I think so far the story is pretty good and you just need to improve the plot and the chain of events because I really would like to see you get better at this, not that I'm such a great writer myself but....well anyway, you get what I'm trying to say here, right?
| Title: Baby sitter
Reviewed By: Melphina_xgp [MediaMiner Member] On: March 03, 2004 16:43 CST
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 7 of 10 Comment/Review:
Your fanfic is great and all but I'd like to ask you one question? WHO IS WATCHING SHIPPOU? I don't mean when he goes to the daycare place and Kagome keeps an eye on him. I mean like when they go to the club after Kagome comes n=back from work and Inuyasha goes, too, and Sesshoumaru always seems to be there, too. I mean, what the hell? It's not like the kid can take care of himself--he's only five years old for crying out loud! Anyway, I had a few suggestions and I think one might be a baby sitter or something for Shippou and when will Kaede be coming back to work? Will Kagome ever have a nervous breakdown or something because getting only two or three hours of sleep a day makes it physically impossible for the body to maintain consiousness over a long period of time (and I'm not bragging or anything, but I would know becuase my major is in the pharmaceutical department, not actually a pharmacist but close enough). Currently, I'm only on the fifth chapter, so sorry if things are a little rude or stupid-ssounding. Good luck and thanx for updating so frequently. I hope my suggesstions help. Ja ne.
| Title: Daman 388
Reviewed By: Daman 388 [MediaMiner Member] On: March 03, 2004 05:26 CST
Comment/Review:
yeah, you had best be done with your spacing out tina! lol, jk this is turning out great so far, keep em coming!
| Reviewed By: Daman 388 [MediaMiner Member] On: March 03, 2004 05:17 CST
Comment/Review:
dag gommit tina, i told you to get better not get yourself sick again.......i always have to take care of you, you can't be trusted by yourself tina-chan.... btw, lovely chappie. GO RIN!!!!!!
| Reviewed By: Tangy_Lemon On: March 02, 2004 20:01 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
hey your fic is really kick ass! : ) its very interesting and you GOTTA update it soon! bleh! i wanna see some inu/kaff fluff!!!! and when's the lemon comin in? im just wondering! update soon! ^^;;;
| Reviewed By: Biganimefan1 [MediaMiner Member] On: March 01, 2004 20:48 CST
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
aww I loved it when Shippo said that sess and inu are perverts
| Reviewed By: DBZ Lover [MediaMiner Member] On: February 28, 2004 15:09 CST
Comment/Review:
Great chapter! Hope you update soon!
| Reviewed By: Orb (not online) On: February 28, 2004 09:59 CST
Comment/Review:
I'm so addicted to this story. It's so cute. oooo sess-chan likes Rin lol. I know what you mean about it, I had some stomach thing to, I can't eat or move it suxxors big time. I hope you can update soon, and stay away from that tapioca
| Reviewed By: ZeroSaotome [MediaMiner Member] On: February 28, 2004 08:19 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 6 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Gah, it's done? .::^.^::. Noooo. Um, lol, I really like the plotline and whatnot, but it seems like it's not moving all too well. It needs to be more fluid, not just saying what's going on. Where's the drama? Where's the love? Where's the gratuitous sex scene betweeen Inuyasha and Kagome? Lol. I'd ask where the perversity was, but we all know. *coughs* The nightly outfit changes are hilarious. ^_~ But yeah, if you put some more substance into your fic instead of just setting up everything slowly, it'll be a lot better. It's good now, but it's got potential, as do you, and I'm sure you wouldn't want any of it to go to waste. Um, oh man, this comment's long so I'm gonna go. ^_^;; I can't wait to read the next chapter!! Ja-ne!! -Zero Saotome-
| Reviewed By: RedHerring [MediaMiner Member] On: February 28, 2004 07:50 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 1 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 3 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 4 of 10
Overall Rating: 4 of 10 Comment/Review:
It's a little... I dunno... bland. It's like you're just writing the motions of people, and there's not really a story behind it. At the moment the only plot is getting them together, and I can't tell you how many times I've seen that one. The only interesting thing about this story is Kagome overworking herself. It kind of got boring when she got out of the Hospital. You don't even have very many descriptions, and there's no character development./////////////// Creative paragraph tags make the story a bit more interesting. Instead of "He said" "She said" all the time you can have them explode, chirp, question, announce, growl, whisper, denounce, rave, or rant./////////////////// Describing little actions of confusion--besides blinking, I mean everyone blinks-- like scratching the back of their head, averting their eyes, playing with a necklace, chewing on a knuckle, tapping a foot, rubbing their hands together, shifting nervously, constantly moving their hands, playing with their tie, playing with their sleeves, playing with their jacket stuff like that. ////////////// You also need to spend more time describing things. Like: what does Inuyasha's apartment look like? What does the day care look like? How's the weather? What did Kagome see when she walked in on Inuyasha? (i know you told us what happened, but tell us the details like: the state of mind of them both, what the boxers looked like, what Inuyasha's body looked like, what a sleepy Kagome thought of said body, if Inuyasha even notices Kagome's presence, what he thinks of her in his cloths with her hair rumpled.... etc.) What does Inuyasha's room look like? Was it just me, or did they not eat breakfast? What did Sesshomaur's house look like? What does the bar look like? What does the sky look like on a Kag/Inu moment? Things like that don't need to be described, but it makes the story a whole lot more pleasent to read. Lack of creative writing in the story means lack of interest from the reader. ///////////////// Besides all of that, you need to make sure that there are no typos or spelling mistakes. Make sure you use good grammar, and make sure your readers know weather you're writing in Omnipotent Thrid person, or Intamate third person. There is a difference and "Chri" on fanfiction.net has a web page with some really helpful essays on Mary Sue-ism, perspectives, Baby Writer syndrome, and other things. You should take a look at them.
| Reviewed By: KatGrrrrl99 On: February 27, 2004 18:08 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
This is good!!! Keep it up!!!
| Reviewed By: DBZ Lover [MediaMiner Member] On: February 27, 2004 14:20 CST
Comment/Review:
I KNEW IT! I knew she was gonna faint! Awww...Inu was so sweet to let her stay there and sleep in his bed and stuff. Great chapter, update soon!
| Reviewed By: Orb (not online) On: February 27, 2004 10:07 CST
Comment/Review:
Yay two chapter! this is great. I'm at home sick again. It's so terrible, I can't even move without coughing up a lung. I should probably be in bed tho lol. My day has been made a lot less crappy cuz I got to read your story lol. I hope you can put up some new addition, things are getting interesting
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